Near's Guide to High school
by MRegent.2 and Pangie
Summary: In which Near must find a way to survive the DN cast, multitudes of crossovers, the fandom, Fate screwing with him and who knws what else in this tale of spiralling insanity. All recorded in this journal.
1. Orientation: Welcome to Hell

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations. The format for Near's Guide to High School belongs to Skyskater.

**Author's note: Hi, MRegent.2 here. If you've read Skyskater's 'Hitsugaia's Guide to High School' then you'll know what this about. I've gone and received permission from Skyskater to make this so don't flame me for stealing ideas, okay! If you haven't then I'll explain: basically this is Near's journal for when the entire Death Note cast is thrown into high school and general insanity occurs. What happens is decided by you guys who send in challenges and watch Near and Co suffer through them, enjoy!**

Greetings.

This is N.

And that will be the last time you will hearing any sort of formality with me for the rest of this god damned fic. I may have to suffer this mind-bending horror MRegent.2 has seen fit to put me through but I have no need to speak nicely to those who take such pleasure in my pain. Long story short, I and the substantially less-talented members of Death Note have been forced into the Hell known as the public education system. I thought this wouldn't be so bad. Half of us have some kind of genius ability and the rest are too stupid to disobey.

I should have listened to Toshiro when he told me about the horrors of this kind of fic... Actually I DID! I even packed my bags. Sadly for me, MRegent.2 is the author so I'm screwed no matter what I do. He caught me trying to skip the border. I'm not going to say what he threatened me with but it was enough to make me participate in this insanity.

Details would raise the rating so I'll leave it at that.

Here is the low-down on what's going on. Currently the entire Death Note cast is stuck in a classroom somewhere in Japan. Light, L, Mello and Matt and occupying the front row. There are two things that I will tell you about this that genuinely disturbs me. The first is that MRegent.2 could be so twisted as to stick the respective halves of the two most popular Yoai parings in the fandom directly next to each other.

The second is that I have to watch said pairs all day from the back of the classroom. Currently L and Light are just sort of staring at each other. Matt and Mello, however, decided to skip all that and go to the 'main course'. I'm not going to go into detail for the sake of mental stability but I will say that I'm not entirely sure, at this point, if Matt is screaming with pleasure or if I misjudged the situation and he's actually being raped. I wouldn't care either way but have to watch this for the next few hours.

In a stuffy classroom.

With over twenty different people..

Okay, the rest of the classroom hasn't yet descended into complete insanity but I'll tell you about some of the more interesting people. First of all, Misa and Takada are next to me. If I failed to convey the full horror of my situation to you, _dear_ readers, let me clarify things for you. I am currently situated between Misa Amane, the possibly rabid, stalking, murderous girlfriend of the self-proclaimed god Light Yagami, who is actually, from the way he's staring at L, gay. On my right is Kyomi Takada, the socio-path she-witch who is _also_ a mass murderer. Who is a reporter. Did I mention that both posses Death Notes that won't work on each other so they have to find some other way of venting their anger since Light forbade them to bitch-fight any more. Guess who's the _lucky_ boy between them!

Moving on, directly in front of me is the shaking form of Teru Mikami. Whether he's shaking from pleasure at being so near (any smart remarks and your name's going into the Death Note as soon as I get my hands on it) to his beloved god or disappointment that Light's in love with another man I don't know. Or _want_ to for that matter. In have the feeling I'm going to need all of the mental fortitude I can get across the next few entries and Mikami's 'secret' love for his god is not something that would add to it.

Okay, the Teacher's finally arrived, here's to hoping that nothing too stupid/mentally scarring will happen next.

Don't give me that look!

I can dream, can't I!?

**27th of May 2009:**

**Form: Trying to avoid getting killed by Light's Stalkers/Girlfriends/Rabid Fangirls **

**The New High School of Hell**

**Nate Rivers**


	2. Lesson 1: Never give BB a Jam Jar

Disclaimer I do not own Death Note or any of its associated Characters or fictional locations. The format for Near's guide to High School belongs to Skyskater.

Lesson One: Never Give BB a Jam Jar.

**Authors Note: Hello again, alrighty the first challenge we have comes from Skyskater herself! Read and enjoy**

I. Hate. My. Life.

I don't know why people so enjoy reading about my pain but for some reason you depraved nut-cases decided to screw around with my life for what will be doubtlessly the first of many mind-bending tortures inflicted by the fandom.

I assume, since you're actually reading this, then you'll want to know what happened to make me so bitter. Apart from the fact that MRegent.2 had the brilliant idea to put me through this- aren't I supposed to be his favourite character?- all hell broke loose in the classroom.

Now, considering that this is the Death Note version of Hitsugaia's Guide to High School, you people probably expecting something like this to happen. In fact you would probably be surprised if something like this _didn't_ happen, but there were several factors in this case which made things especially painful.

The first thing that happened was the delivery, I was just sitting around minding my own business and trying to avoid being seen by the two straight-jacket jobs on either side of me, both of whom will probably rape Light at some point, possibly at the same time. The teacher was trying to teach above Mello and Matt's extremely loud lovemaking at the front of the class and Light and L had moved their desks a few inches closer to each other.

Just out of curiosity, how did you people get a pairing out of those two? I mean, Light's trying to kill L! And how is trying to convict someone for mass homicide a way of saying 'I love you'!

No, wait, I probably don't want to know.

Finally Mikami, in case anyone cares (which I highly doubt), was currently muttering delete every few seconds and writing into a Death Note. Oh, and, just in case you were wondering, Ryuk is here as well along with the rest of the Shinigami. I'm a bit worried about them. I mean if you have the power to phase through physical objects and pass into another world then why the _hell_ would you stick around to see Matt and Mello have an all-day orgy on a desktop? Unless they're all secretly gay. I really hope they're not... come on, think about it! They could be watching you in the bathroom and you wouldn't even know it- imagine Ryuk staring at you on the toilet!

Do you comprehend the horror of it?

About two minuets after the teacher came in, looked around and promptly fainted at what was happening at the front of his class- I believe that it was only party due to the fact that two teenage boys were having 'relations' with each other with more force than the average boxing match and more to do with Mello's spork fetish- and was quickly dragged out and replaced by a more resilient substitute (they must have read the class list and prepared for the worst) a knocking came from the class door.

The substitute opened the door, revealing a delivery man with a large package behind him, "is there a Rue Ryuzaki here?" the man asked in hill-billy accent, despite the fact that he was obviously Japanese. L tore his eyes from Light (who pouted at this loss of attention) and ran over to the delivery man, shoving the substitute out of the way. "I'm Rue Ryuzaki".

"Good," the delivery man got L to sign something and ran off. That, ladies and gentlemen, was my first clue as to what was going to happen. Unfortunately I was too preoccupied in keeping my head down so that Kira's Fangirls wouldn't kill me... or worse. And, believe me, Fangirls can think of much worse things than Death. This fic for example. (The idea came from a girl).

L pulled this big industrial trolley into the room. It was stacked with with flat objects wrapped in brown paper. He grabbed one off the top and ripped the paper off, revealing a giant lollipop.

I stared.

Light gaped.

Even Mello and Matt stopped their fifteen minute marathon with a spork for a second before going back to spraying the desk with bodily juices.

L stared at the lollipop for a few seconds, then he.. well I don't know how to describe it really. All I know is that one second L is looking at a giant Lollipop, the next there's a giant Lollipop handle sticking out of his mouth. May I point out that his head was in no way enlarged.

For those of you who don't quite grasp the impossibility of the situation lets me explain in small words.

L was sucking on a Lollipop.

Said Lollipop was at least six times the size of L's head.

L's head and body were exactly the same as before.

Am I the only one who actually thinks this is strange?

Suddenly Beyond Birthday stood up (and I thought L's name was retarded. I mean, be honest, what kind of parents would name the their children 'L' or 'Beyond'? I'm pretty sure that counts as abuse!) and ran over to the packages, picking up a smaller one. He quickly tore off the covering, revealing a tightly sealed jam jar.

Beyond smiled.

I admit it, maybe the whole 'Kira's girlfriends will kill me if I move' thing was a good enough excuse for staying where I was after the lollipop thing but, I have to admit, not running at this point was not my most brilliant move.

Beyond held the Jar in reverence. "All behold the Jam of prophecy! It has come to save us from our sins!" He suddenly ran out of the classroom laughing like a Shinigami. I made a mental note to run as far from the school as possible the first chance I got. Not that it would have made much difference. I'll be mature here, I may be the single greatest mind the world has ever seen but I can't run to save my life, as you will doubtlessly find out repeatedly as long as this hellish fic continues. Yes, petty fools, Near is not perfect, just brilliant, attractive, funny, etc., etc.

Anyway the bell finally rang and I was able to leave. Unfortunately because of a certain sadistic author everybody has the same classes.

THERE'S NO ESCAPE!

Now that I've got that out of my system I have another question. How come the majority of my class is over twenty and still in school? I could understand Matsuda being here but Light and Watari? One's a genius and the other's older than the school! Unfortunately NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME! Matt and Mello didn't look at me, but in all fairness the only people they were looking at were each other. They probably trying to work out a way of having a six-hour long marathon without the school bell interrupting (it took six people to pry them apart for the next class).

I never made it to my next class.

Now, I'll bet you're all wondering what ever happened to BB and the Jam Jar. I had the horror of finding out as soon as I passed the oval on my way. In the centre of the oval BB had somehow managed to erect a Stonehenge with the Jam Jar on the altar, completely disregarding anything as immaterial as the laws of physics that, quite clearly, say it's PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for him to have been able to erect a Stonehenge in so short a time.

BB appeared from behind one of the stone columns dressed in a white robe he had probably stolen from a costume store and proclaimed: "Hear me now, heathens, the Jam of the prophecy has arrived! It is not too late to be saved! Come join me in worship of the Holiness that is Jam!"

The group stood still for a few seconds. I wasn't surprised. I mean even a nut-case like Light would find a religion based on Jam weird.

Right?

WRONG.

I don't know how it happened. One moment I'm standing on the sidelines, silently praying for a quick death before Light's future rapists notice me and the next I'm standing the stone circle with the rest of the school (how did they manage to fit over 500 people in that one stone henge anyway?) dressed in a white robe.

"The Jam of the Heavens has come to save us all!" the crowd cheered. I actually considered cheering with them, frankly _anything _that would get me out of this stupidity was worth applauding in my book. "The vile peanut-butter and other bread-spreads have long tempted us, but fear not! The Jam is merciful All it asks is that you give it your entire life-savings and spend the rest of your life in servitude to its glass-encased glory and you will be spared it's sticky wrath!" And I was reminded for the- what? Third time that day that THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THIS HELL!

Well, not from _this _hell, I should say. We're all forgetting something, aren't we? Jam or not, religion is still religion, and who do we know that has major god complex?

What? No Ideas?

"WHAT!?" It was at this moment everyone favourite basket-case Light decided to speak up. "How dare you challenge me, so-called 'Jam of the Heavens'! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY LAUGH OF DOOM!" He threw back his head and everyone ran for cover.

Then I heard what could only be described as the screams of hell coming from the stone henge.

A few seconds later I peeked from behind the stone column I had hid behind and saw three things.

One: Light was grinning his trademark 'exactly as planned' grin (he's a special kind of crazy).

Two: BB was crying.

Third: the 'holy Jam Jar of the Heavens' was now shattered into a million pieces, but it wasn't Jam seeping out. Yes, the 'Jam Jar of the Heavens' was apparently a mislabelled 'Pickle Jar of the Heavens'!

"NOOO!" Sobbed BB, "the holy Jam has forsaken us!"

Light waltzed up to the altar and picked up a pickle. "I'll take a pickle- AND EAT IT!"

BB kicked Light out of the way and stood up on the altar. I would like to point out that there was still glass and acidic pickle juice everywhere. "The Holy Jam has forsaken us for our sins! We must purge ourselves of all sin for its forgiveness!"

There is crazy, and there Light and BB. You've just lost the centre of your religion and you're still trying to sell people a Jam-based cult.

Who the hell would be stupid enough to fall for that!

"ALL HAIL JAM!" Oh wait- I forgot, I'M THE ONLY SANE ONE AROUND HERE!

"Let us go on a crusade top defeat the foul peanut better and it's salty comrades!"

"HOORRAYY! ALL HAIL JAM! ALL HAIL JAM!" And everybody besides me and Light's rape-club marched out from behind the stone henge columns and started marching around BB. BB grabbed L as he marched past and ripped out one of his hairs.

"This shall be our ultimate weapon! All behold the SACRED FOLLICLE OF JAM!"

"ALL HAIL JAM!" And it was at this point, Ladies and Gentlemen, that I lost any lingering molecule of respect toward my classmates. I mean, sure, Matsuda wasn't exactly the greatest idol in the world but at least he never wore a dress before. At least I'd never seen him in a dress before. And I had actually respected Mello at one point. Now he was wearing a dress and looking up Matt's skirt.

Yes, Matt was also in a dress.

"Follow me, O faithful ones, follow me to VICTORY!" That was BB, by the way.

"JAM! JAM! JAM! JAM!" And everybody followed him, complete with marching music! Oh, this shouldn't surprise you at this point, but the marching music was played on _toy pianos_! I don't know where they pulled them out from.

And so now I'm alone.

Well, except for Light and his Fan/Molestation club...

Oh dear.

**27th of May 2009**

**The School Oval: Running for my life from Light and his Rape-Club.**

**The New High School of Hell.**

**Nate Rivers.**

**Authors note: Look people I've got exams for the next two weeks so don't expect much. But keep sending challenges or I won't be able to continue at all!**


	3. Lesson 2: Jam and Peanuts don't mix

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated Characters or fictional locations. The format for Near's guide to high school belongs to Skyskater.

**Hello People! Well since I've got exams this is going to be the last update on this until June the 14th. Anyway enjoy and review, and keep sending challenges!**

This. Sucks.

I knew that BB was weird, but this… Alright, you're probably wondering what happened after my last entry. Long story short, I managed to hide from Light and his 'friends' until they gave up. I'm not telling where I hid but, suffice it to say, I really need a bath now.

By the time Light and the rapists finally gave up school was over (hooray!) so I went home. Well, technically, it's Light's home, but I'm staying there for now. I used to have quite a nice HQ in America filled with lots of people who would tend to my every whim. Unfortunately since this is a Guide to High school MRegent.2 decided to follow Skyskater's tradition of sticking everyone together in a small house meant to hold less than a quarter of the people who are currently living in it. Probably, knowing you sadistic people, the house is probably going to explode at some point in the near (once again, smart remarks = slow and painful death when I get the Death Note) future anyway. But it's the Yagami house so I don't really care all much anyway.

I managed to sneak through the front door, through the kitchen and was almost at my room door when I heard a disturbingly familiar squelching sound which I immediately identified as Mello and Matt screwing each other to their hearts content… IN MY ROOM.

It is a mind-bending horror, I would like to point out to you people, that thanks to this fic I now have the ability to identify Mello and Matt by the sounds of the their love-making.

LOOK AT WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE DOING TO ME!

I slammed the door open with barely suppressed homicidal rage when I saw a sight that will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. The first thing that struck me was the fact that Matt had apparently moved on from sporks to cross-dressing fetishes, not that the sight of Matt in a blue cocktail dress was any easier on my eyes. The second thing that I noticed that there was four people in my room. Two were Matt and Mello but the other two were… I wonder how you guessed... L AND LIGHT.

And they were all screwing each other.

On.

My.

Bed.

Matt looked at me after a few seconds. "Oh, hey, Near. Wanna join in?"

Light piped up, "if you do we've got another cocktail dress ready!"

Fortunately for Light and his new Yoai club I was distracted by a sudden trumpeting coming from outside.

"FORWARD MARCH! ONWARD TO VICTORY!"

"STAY STRONG MY BROTHERS! WE WILL DEFEAT THE FOUL PEANUT-BUTTER AND CLAIM VICTORY FOR THE JAM!" And just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder this happens. I rushed outside the door and I saw… well I had better describe it in small words so your tiny minds don't implode.

On the road in front of the Yagami household there were two crowds. The one to the right was made up of people wearing white robes and carrying signs with Jam Jars painted on them, led by BB, his hair slicked back with Jam. The one to the left was made up of people wearing peanut-suits driving wheel barrows of peanuts, at their front was a girl in peanut suit wearing a gold crown.

"I- The great and noble Salem-Chan will strike you down, O, infidels of the Jam!"

"Don't listen to her- we must succeed for the gloriousness that is Jam!" That was BB for the slow ones among you. Both crowds surged forward and started attacking each other, the peanut-butter side started throwing peanuts from the barrels at the Jam-cult. Then the Jam cult suddenly parted to reveal two giant floats with blue cannons on top. A few seconds later the cannons pointed at Salem-Chan and fired. A second later Salem-Chan was knocked down by at least two tonnes worth of Jam.

"Behold the power of Jam! Do you surrender, O foul worshipper of Peanut-Butter!?" BB again people.

Salem-Chan sort of floated in the Jam for a few seconds before she finally managed to break the surface. "N-never! You can drown me in Jam but I'll never surrender!"

BB's eyes narrowed, and this Ladies and gentlemen was the moment I high-tailed it out of there. I'm not stupid enough to stay in the open when BB is on the move. Unfortunately this was also the time the Jam cannons started firing again, and guess who stands out like a sore thumb thanks to his white… well, everything, really.

"Your bravery is admirable, but stupid!" this is coming from the guy with Jam for hair-jell? "Now I shall gain ultimate victory with the power of the FOLLICLE OF JAM!" He pulled out the from his pocket and held it up.

"AAAHHHH! NOT THE FOLLICLE OF JAM!" All of the people in Peanut-suits suddenly ran away. Well, Salem-Chan sort of squelched away thanks to the jam on her but you get the idea.

"YES! Behold the power of the FOLLICLE OF JAM!" All of the people in white robes cheered. "Now we shall move on to conquer all the world in the name of Jam!" All of the robed people cheered again. Then two police officers walked up to BB.

"Are you Beyond Birthday?" One asked "Also known as Eru Ryuzaki?"

"I AM HE!" Declared BB, "and I shall lead the follower of the true Jam to victory!" The officers suddenly handcuffed him.

"Beyond Birthday we are hereby arresting you on charges of Jam rape!" The officers said in a non-nonsense tone.

"What! You don't have any proof! Don't let them take me, my loyal followers!" BB began kicking and screaming as the officers lead him away. The people in robes hesitated for a few seconds before attempting to mob the officers. Now, I don't know about you, but frankly I was laughing at this. Internally anyway, mostly because the spotlight of misfortune had to turned onto someone else for once. Then it began.

There was a loud sound of interference and everybody looked behind me. I turned around and saw a sight that would give even Kira himself nightmares. Well, it would if he wasn't a part of said image anyway. In the short time that I had left them Light, L, Matt and Mello had ceased their foursome and had somehow managed to transform the front of the Yagami house into a stage. Currently on it was said foursome and all of them were wearing blue cocktail dresses, the stage by the way was blue with the words 'Light and the Sweet Transvestites' painted in pink.

"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?" That was Light by the way.

"YEAH!" That was the crowd.

"NO! WHAT ABOUT THE JAM- OW!" And that was BB being forgotten and shoved into a police car where the nice men in suits were going to take him far away where he could nerve molest Jam ever again.

"LETS DO THIS!" And then all four of them on the stage put their hands on their heads and started singing in Swedish. That's right. Ladies and gentlemen; for today's daily dose of insanity I have had to watch L, Light, Matt and Mello do the Caramelldansen. And by looks things I'm going to be here for quite a while. The house entrance is blocked and all around me are blood thirsty Jam addicts. I can't take much more of this...

**27th of May**

**Yagami front yard: Trying to avoid going insane**

**Nate Rivers**


	4. Lesson 3: Crossovers equal isanity

Disclaimer I do not own Death Note, Bleach or any of their associated characters or fictional locations. The Format belongs to Skyskater.

**Authors Note: Hello People! This is the Near's guide to High school/Toshiro's Guide to High school crossover special! **

I can't believe this. Well, I suppose I could considering I live in world where innocent-looking notebooks kill people, but won't! I refuse to accept this stupidity! I REJECT THIS INSANITY!

Dammit! I'm still here!

Okay, I'll bet all you annoying/sadistic people who are reading this want know why I'm so 'upset'(which is a vast understatement).

If you insist…

I was sitting on the floor in my room, minding my own business and not harming anybody besides the mangled Optimus Prime at my feet when Light burst into my room.

"NEAR!" He screamed at the top his voice, I think wearing a tight cocktail dress is having an adverse affect on his…. lower regions. "It's Toshiro, HE'S HAVING A BABY!"

Now I for one was stunned. I mean, come on! I had spoken to Toshiro occasionally across the phone (I used an alias of course, can't let strangers know your real name) but how the hell did Light know about Toshiro? Anyway while I was sitting there trying to figure out how Light even knew about Toshiro when he just grabbed me and started dragging me out of the room. I did the only sensible thing I could think.

"RAPE! RAPE!" Well it may not have the most subtle of methods but you have to admit it usually gets people's attention.

"Hey, Light," said Mello as he walked passed Light in the doorway. "Nice dress." EXCUSE ME!? Doesn't anyone care that a little boy in pyjamas screaming rape at the top of his voice is being dragged away by a pretty man in dress!? Anyway Light eventually managed to drag me out of the house into the front yard where everybody else was waiting (just for the record the stage is still there. They just made a doorway through the bottom).

"Everybody here!?" That was Mello by the way. "Good, now grab a Shinigami and don't let go!" Everybody but me immediately grabbed the _closest_ Shinigami to them. I had was shoved between Light and Ryuk like a piece of luggage. It was at this point that I began to seriously consider killing myself. I mean I was trapped between Ryuk, who probably inspired the word _fugly_, and Light, who is disturbed and disturbing at the best of times- may I remind you he was in a dress!? Then Mello began counting down from ten.

"Ten! Four! Twenty! Six point two!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he is number two.

Eventually he reached zero, after half an hour-WHICH I SPENT SANWHICHED BETWEEN RYUK AND LIGHT IN A DRESS!- and the Shinigami took off. That wasn't so bad. At least I got to see some nice scenery in the sky right? Actually it wasn't so bad once I got over being so close to Light and Ryuk, of course the novelty of flying wore off pretty quickly once Light's dress began splitting seams, at which point I began to look for ways to wriggle out of my position and fall to into the comforting arms of Death. Suddenly there was… well I don't know how to explain it exactly but the world _shifted_. One moment I was in the clouds trying to escape an increasingly bare Light and the next I was still trying to commit suicide before Light was revealed in all his 'divine glory' but I wasn't in the clouds any more. A few minutes later we landed in what looked Louisiana.

This was when I worked everything out, that this was a crossover between the insanity of my life and the growing horror of Toshiro's. Now you may _love_ crossovers but I, for one, was trying to commit suicide again. Do you want to know why? Well here are the three main reasons:

1: There were a lot people who I didn't know taking photos of me, which Light could get his rape club to look at and kill me (a good thing at this point). For the record, Misa's too ditzy to remember _anything_. Takada would probably be too busy thinking up ways to kill Misa to even look at my name and Mikami would be busy… doing things to himself. That is why Light still needs a photo of me to remember my name.

2: I now had to deal with more grown men in dresses- actually Light and Aizen decided to do a crossover concert and are currently planning it together.

3: I now have to deal with the combined insanity of MRegent.2 and Skyskater's twisted mind! Actually that should be number one.

Eventually someone bothered to tell me what the hell was going on. HOW THE F**** DID TOSHIRO GET PREGNANT! Apparently we were all here just to throw Toshiro an early baby-shower. You could have told me! That way I could have been far away when Light ran around in a dress and they would have had to leave without me. At least then I could have had the chance to buy a new bed while they were gone (the old one was… _destroyed_ by Light, L, Matt and Mello's foursome).

When I was told it was my turn I had to up and give the nice little pregnant boy a present, I've lost all respect for Toshiro now. I mean, seriously, he used have some dignity. How _dare_ he get pregnant and make me have to come here with the rest of the Death Note cast and give him a present!

I managed to find a pair of dice in my pyjama-pocket and just handed them to him. He stared at me, at first in shock, then he gave this look of such intense loathing that I think he burnt off few of my hairs. The I was lead away by Light so I wouldn't disturb the delicate pregnant boy. Yeah, like he's going to be any more disturbed by me than seeing a pretty man in a half-on half-off dress.

And so, here I am, waiting at the back, the rest of us (meaning the people who normally exist in our universe, not 'us' as in friends or social class. I REFUSE to have any more association with those…people that I must) refusing to leave until the crossover concert. Frankly I don't understand, why would you pass up the chance to avoid seeing grown men in dresses?

There's this weird woman named Yoruichi who keeps asking me to 'be her first'. No thanks, lady, unlike Toshiro I intend to remain sexually inactive. If for some reason I become sexually active then I will promptly shoot myself to avoid becoming pregnant, that way I will never have to become like Toshiro! Speaking of whom, he glared at me some more a while back and I got the intense impression that he didn't like me one bit.

Well I've news for you _Shiro-chan _I'm smarter than you, I'm cuter than you and I'm a hell of a lot more scarier than you! (Have you seen my grin?)

Hmm, actually it looks like Toshiro is asleep right now. Probably because of all the red meat he scarfed down (he beat up some red-haired person in a loincloth for it by the way).

Hmm...

I wonder what Toshiro would do if he woke up and the first thing he saw was me staring at him with my best evil grin…

I think it's time for payback, don't you?

**June 12**

**GIM's house: Going to Get payback**

**The Bleach-verse**

**Nate Rivers**

**Authors Note: Okay people, I don't think many of you are aware but I've started a forum designed to find out who is the greatest genius in fiction. Personally I'm going with Near, but have your say, I've left a 'L vs Light' topic up but you can add your own for other characters from other series, so come on, invite your friends and join the great debate about who is the greatest genius in fiction!**


	5. Lesson 4: Why there is no escape

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Bleach or Harry Potter or any of their associated characters or fictional locations. The format belongs to Skyskater.

**Authors Note: I'm back! Sorry about the delay but I was struck down by the flu, anyway lets get onto the next chapter, we're nearing the end of the crossover chapters...**

IS THERE NO ESCAPE FROM THE INSANITY!?

No.

That is the answer all of my prayers to get out of this hell. Yes, oh simple ones, your beloved Near is still trapped in the Bleach-verse and this stupid fic. Mind you, I heard that the crossover chapters are coming to an end (we just got started on this end, too! What a stroke of luck! Sadly I still have to go through everything on Toshiro's end...)

Anyway, you're all here reading this thing to find out what happened to me in the last few days. Or at least my point of view of what happened if you've been reading Toshiro's guide to high school. He's not so tough after all, the moment he caught sight of my grin he squealed like a little girl and ran off screaming for whatever god he worships (he punched me later though, which hurt). Oh, and in response to his little comment about how I sign my real name at the end of each entry into this diary, I write down my real name in hope that one of Light's rape-club will one day come across this fic and grant me release from this hell. Sadly he spends all of his time either having 'relations' with L or dancing in a splitting dress.

Now I bet you're all thinking 'why doesn't Near just tell him his real name' Well I actually tried this when this hell first began, all those weeks ago before BB was the leader of a Jam cult and L didn't wear a revealing dress...

*****

I had just arrived outside the Yagami house. Matt and Mello were inching together and Misa and Takada were glaring at each with the fury of a thousand suns. I walked up to Light who was looking at L with a disturbing grin on his face.

"Hey, Kira?" I asked.

"Yes?" I would just like to point out that Light Yagami, a genius with a supposedly greater intellect than the world's greatest detective, just effectively admitted he was a mass murderer.

"I'm Near."

"I know that you're near." He poked me. "See? If you weren't Near I wouldn't have been able to do that."

"No. My _name_ is Near." I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

"What kind of stupid name is that?" This is coming from the man who calls himself 'Kira'. I would like to point out that 'Kira' can be translated as 'sparkles', and yet he dares to mock my alias?

"I mean I'm _Near_, as in the the guy who beat you and indirectly lead to your death."

"Oh, yeah! Now I remember! How have you been?" He actually smiled at me like we were two old friends instead of two enemies trying to work out how to kill/convict each other.

"Don't you remember my real name?"

"Hmm," he put a finger to his lips like L does. "'Nate Rivers', right?"

"YES!" I almost jumped for joy. "Don't you want to _kill me_ in _revenge_ for _ending_ your chances of creating a _better world_?"

"No."

Wait...WHAT?!

"Not really."

EXCUSE ME?

Where did every bodies favourite homicidal nut-case go?

"... and why not?"

"If you could trick me you probably could find a way to trick the Shinigami eyes, so there's no real point in trying."

What?

I'm handing you a free victory here! I thought Light was supposed to be smart!

"But I'm telling you it's my real name. I _want _you to kill me!"

"No, it has to be a trick. You're just trying to trick me into revealing that I'm Kira again!" He struck a victory pose like he had unravelled the mystery of life.

"Everybody already knows that you're Kira! Come on, just kill me!"

I have to admit I was begging on my knees at this point.

"Nope, I don't fall for the same trick twice. I wonder how L feels about bondage...."

*****

And that is why I why I write my real name at the bottom of each entry, since Light's rape-club won't believe me either I don't really have any other option. I admit its a pretty low chance but perhaps some day another person with a Death Note will come across this record and take pity on me...

Right now were in Nevada somewhere. If you want to know what happened between now and my last entry just go read Toshiro's Guide to High School. I'm writing what happened today. Matt keeps crying because I won't give him back his game console. I just got it in the mail one day (by owl by the way, I think Harry Potter's renting out Hedwig to the mail service) and decided to keep it. At least when he's crying he can't join in with the elopers any more.

Or that's what I thought.

I refuse to continue along that line of thought thank you very much. Besides I actually forgot where I put the console so I can't give back to him anyway.

Oh, and Toshiro keeps getting these weird cravings. I used simple terms to explain what could (and probably will considering the general insanity of this fic) happen if he keeps eating that stuff and he just glared at me!

You try to help a guy...

Well, I'm running out of time before light's out (Light as in the stuff that comes from the sun and light bulbs. Not the mass-murderer who, incidentally, I'm sharing a room with. To this I say HELP ME!) Toshiro went out a while ago. I don't where or why and I don't care.

**June 18**

**Going to sleep**

**The Bleach-verse (Nevada)**

**Nate Rivers**


	6. Lesson 5: Learning Gruntspeak

Diosclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Bleach, 'I Kissed a Girl' or their associated characters or Fictional locations. The format belongs to Skyskater.

**Authors Note: People are sending me so few challenges, I need challenges to keep this going, people! I ACCEPT CHALLENGES! (Ahem) Anyway on with the fic!**

I should have known this would happen. Oh, my avid readers, you'll never guess what happened to poor, poor little Near.

Well, maybe that's unrealistic. You'll probably guess that since I bothered to keep writing that something insane/disturbing/record-breakingly-stupid occured. Well, guess what- IT DID!

It all started about an hour ago. I was sitting on my bed, playing with some of my leggo when suddenly L, Matt and Mello burst into the room. I noticed that Matt was still crying like a baby.

Light looked at them from the other bed in the room and some kind of signal must have passed between them because the next moment they were all jumping on the bed. They began tearing each others clothes off while Matt began trying to sing his version of 'I Kissed a Girl'.

"I-I kissed a boy (sob, sob) j-just to t-to try it!" Yes he was still crying while stripping (with help from Mello) and singing at the same time. If it wasn't so disturbing I would have applauded his multi-tasking..

Just then the door got blow off it's hinges revealing Aizen the rest of the elopers. "Hey, can we join in?"

Light looked up from... doing things to Matt. "Hell, yes!" And that, dear readers, is when I hightailed it out of there. I've had enough mental scarring for one lifetime thank you very much!

When I finally stopped running I was outside in the parking lot. Unfortunately Renji was there as well. Well, he wasn't so bad but I've now developed a phobia of scantily-dressed men due to all of my traumatic experiences, and he only wears a loincloth. Off topic here but it was absolutely _filthy_, seriously, hasn't he ever heard of a washing-machine? Anyways as I was about to run the so-called 'primative' Renji took out a mobile phone from his nearly black loincloth and punched in some numbers. I was curious as to what was going on so I decided to stay and watch rather than listen to my instincts and run as far away as I possibly could.

Look, I was still recovering from seeing Light and Aizen making out with very little clothing and a lot other men. Need I continue? Or can you tell that my logic was seriously affected?

"Grah, Grah, doda grang!" That was Renji speaking in grunt-speak. Now Toshiro needs someone to translate Renji's grunt-speak for him. But me? _I,_with my superior mental abilities, have been able to learn the language in the short time I have known Renji. Toshiro hasn't even learned a single word despite being with him for over six months. TAKE THAT SHIRO-CHAN!  
The translated version is:"Yo peeps, its R-dawg, yo alls gotta get on down this joint, its got some sweet digs!"

Yes, that is a direct translation. Why was he speaking like a rapper even though he's actually Japanese? I haven't a clue but at least it wasn't as traumatic as seeing the elopers in action. And of course the moment I thought that you'll never guess what happened.

"NOOO! NOT THE RICE ANYTHING BUT THE RICE!" I turned to see Light on the balcony of our room wearing his barely-on dress. Behind him was Matt holding a bowl of rice he got from somewhere. I don't know why Light was so afraid of the rice, maybe Matt developed some kind of twisted fetish involving rice in the last few minutes or something? On second thought, I really don't want to know.

And of course it was at that moment, while I, and most of the people in Nevada, were looking, that Light's poor cocktail dress finally gave up and broke it's last thread. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Light's dress fell off revealing him in all his 'divine' glory. I refuse to make any comment due to trauma.

Just then BB appeared behind me, "hey Near. What's going on?"

I jumped out of the way instantly. Having grown men behind you is just too dangerous these days. And of course BB immediately caught sight of the (extremely) bare Light. He stood there for a second. I could actually see his pupils expanding to the size of L's. Just a comment here: why are L's pupils so big anyway? Does he get high off sugar or something?

Then he was off. I mean he was so fast that the air held the image of BB there for a few seconds before dissappearing. I looked up just in time to see BB jumping from balcony to balcony to get to Light. When he got there stood there drooling fore about a minute, during which Matt slowly backed off, and then he screamed and tackled Light backwards. I couldn't see what happened after that but I heard more than enough from the sounds that managed to drift down to us four levels below. Needless to say management kicked us out.

So here I am. The elopers, now including BB are... 'residing' in the middle of the car (that somehow manages to accommodate the entire Death Note and most of the Bleach cast at the same time. Am I the only one that finds this strange?). Toshiro is managed to get the seat closest to the exit while that Satscout person got the drivers seat. I actually support that move as she seems to be relatively sane, as opposed to... anyone besides me really. Not even Toshiro due to his pregnancy.

Think about it, would you really want a hormonal pregnant woman with disturbing cravings that gets mad whenever said cravings aren't fulfilled at the wheel? Now change that pregnant woman to a pregnant pre-pubescent boy. I think you get my point.

Where am I you ask? Well... sadly for me Toshiro managed to get the closest seat to the exit so the only seats left were where the elopers were violently... I can't say without changing the rating of this story. The terms 'having intercourse' or 'making love' or even 'screwing each other with passion of a thousand blazing suns' are inadequate.

I couldn't go with them so I chose the third option. No, there no weren't any more seats that hadn't been taken or otherwise 'used'. Have you simpletons worked it out yet? I didn't think so. Well the boot of the car was full, once again I can't comment on the contents as it would change the rating. So you see I really didn't have another choice. I simply tied myself to the top of the car.

Yes, that's right. I, Nate Rivers, also known as 'N', 'Near' and 'L' (the third) am currently tied to the top of the car with the sun beating down on me. It's bad, but no as bad as the alternative. The little girl, Yachiru I think her name was actually commented on my situation a few minutes ago:

"Near-chan is getting roasty-toastied!" yes, quite articulate MIss Yachiru. Unfortunatley I'm beginning to think she may be right. And why, exactly, are we heading to Colorado? I bet Mello has something to do with it. I don't know why he would want to go to Colorado though.

Damn... It really is hot up here...

**June 19 (2012? apparently it's a few years ahead over here).**

**Getting 'Roasty Toastied'.**

**Nevada/Colorado.**

**Nate Rivers.**


	7. Lesson 6: Boys and Pregnancy

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Bleach or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Authors Note: And the crossover chapters come to an end at last! I hope you all enjoyed them, oh and in case you didn't see this the last time I said this: I ACCEPT CHALLENGES! Meaning: SEND ME CHALLENGES! That will be all.**

Well I survived being 'Roasty-Toastied'... Most of me did anyway.

I was finally allowed to get off the top of the car when we got to the Grand Canyon. Personally I have always wondered why the American population holds a giant hole in such regard. It's just a big ditch!

After I was let off the top of the car, and Renji was tied down in my place so he would stop trying to eat the freshly-roasted mass that was my poor, abused body (I think he's turning from primitive to cannibal now. Maybe he's going back to a civilized state?), Toshiro gave birth.

Just in case you missed that I shall repeat it. Toshiro, a pre-pubescent BOY gave birth. Am I the only one who finds this strange? (Yes, I know I have asked that question many times before. But I shall continue asking it, for the simple fact that it is the question I am constantly asking myself. That and the question; HOW CAN MALES GIVE BIRTH!!!???!?!?!) Basically he just got out of the car and went into labour for about ten hours or so (I wonder why labour even lasts more than a hour in the first place. It kind of HURTS, right?) and somehow gave birth to a baby girl despite having no birth canal. I didn't see how due to Satscout blocking the details with her body while she was helping him. Personally I'm grateful. More grateful than mere words of any language can describe.

Toshiro DID eventually give birth, after much screaming and cursing the entire universe as I grinned my my best evil grin and internally roared with laughter at his predicament. I couldn't laugh aloud, because it might attract the attention of the men in dresses, now including a serial killer who is also the leader of a Jam cult. Anyway he did eventually give birth to this girl who he promptly named Enfer, meaning hell in French, considering how she was conceived (or what others have told of how she was conceived). I personally applaud the accuracy of his naming.

He went to sleep a few minutes after that, leaving me as the sole sane individual awake in the enitre combined casts of Death Note and Bleach. Fortunatley it wasn't to last long. That Nova person suddenly began crying about the 'betrayal of his one true love' and opened a dimensional portal wich promptly sucked all of us in the Death Note cast through it.

I landed in the Yagami front lawn along with the rest of the cast. I managed to look up to see a... well I don't know how to describe it. A tear-jerker perhaps, as in it was so disturbing it made me want to cry.

About five or so meters above us was the slowly closing portal to the Bleach-verse, Aizen and his friends in dresses were standing on the Bleach end, crying like little girls., And then there was L, Light, Matt, Mello and BB on our end. Also crying like little girls.

"We don't want to leave you!" Cried the DN half of the elopers, BB was on his knees.

"I don't want to say goodbye!" Sobbed Aizen, who is probably pregnant.

"I want to screw you one last time!" wept L, who I have lost any lingering shreds of respect for. At all.

And then the portal closed, leaving me scarred and very afraid of the sobbing men on the ground.

*****

Hello again, Near writing. Well my bed's still beyond redemption, even more so now that Light, L, Mello and BB decided to use it for their mourning of their separation from their Bleach counterparts. Or to put more simply they are getting over being separated from their friends in dresses by raping each other while sobbing like little girls. I suppose it's their way of coping. Considering that they're supposed to be some of the smartest people on the planet, you'd think they could have thought to use someone else's bed, though...

And does someone want to tell me why Matt still fake breasts and red exensions? On second thought, I actually don't want to know.

On the subject of Matt, you may have noticed I didn't include him in the above rape-fest. No it's not a mistake. He was actually in the bathroom throwing up. A few minutes ago he came out absolutely shining and handed me a pregnancy test. I felt dread in the pit my stomach... if you've been reading Histugia's guide to high school then you probably don't need me to continue but I will for those who haven't... it was positive. I'm taking our first Male pregnancy rather well, don't you think? I think I'm still in shock...no wait... I'm coming out of it now...

WHAT THE F*&%$!? HOW THE HELL CAN A BOY GET PREGNANT!? F&%$#% HELL! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!? It's like L declaring a new-found love for vegetables, it just doesn't happen! Oh, wait I forgot that this it the Death Note version of Histugia's guide to high school of course it's going to happen. Matt's grinning like an idiot he and babbling about his pregnancy to Soichiro Yagami who's expression is somewhere between shock and the 'I just been hit between the legs with a sledge hammer' look. Having a teenage boy tell you he's pregnant will do that to you. I'm just sort of sitting on the floor in front of the couch doing my puzzle. Sayu Yagami's next to me patting me on the head and commenting on what a 'cute little boy' I am. Excuse me? I'm seventeen, thank you very much! The fact I look about fourteen at best beside the point...

Hmm, the doorbell's just rang. Every body is inside so its not any of them coming in from a stroll outside. I wonder who it is...

**June 20**

**Wondering who's at the door, being petted by Sayu**

**The Death Note-verse (home at last!) , The Yagami house-hold**

**Nate Rivers**


	8. Lesson 7: BB has a Fetish

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

Well I'm back, not to my pleasure I assure you, but back I am none the less. Well last time I left off the doorbell was ringing and I was wondering who it was since everybody is already inside. Well unlike some people I actually have a few brain cells and waited for someone else to open the door (because dear Shiro-chan, I realise that the chances of something insane happening in this fic are larger than Mello's libido and that answering an unknown person at the door is just asking for it).

Eventually Sayu sighed and walked over to the door, leaving me alone on the floor (FINALLY, you can only be stroked by a stranger for so long before it gets disturbing). Anyway she opened the door and you'll never guess who it was, Mello! (Wasn't he supposed to be inside)

I stopped moving here for minute and actually thought about what was going to happen, you known like in the anime when the camera focuses on one character and you can hear their thoughts aloud, yeah that's what happened. _If Mello is outside then that means that he must have had something to do that exceeded the importance of the five-some with Matt, considering what he has been doing for the last few days there are two possibilities: A, the five-some ran out of sex-products and sent him out to get some more. Or B, Mello has been throwing up and decided to see if he was pregnant from all the gay sex he's been having with every male lead in the Death Note cast besides me. The possibility of A is discounted due to the fact that Mello isn't carrying anything, unless he is having them delivered later, but then he would have no reason to come home. The only viable option is choice B, and since Mello is grinning like a fool the possibility of him being pregnant is over seventy percent, ninety considering which fic I'm in_. I would like to point out that I thought out all of the above in under three seconds.

"Sayu I have great news!" That was Mello by the way. "I'm pregnant!"… I hate it when I'm right.

Sayu gasped "Mello that's wonderful! Who's the father?"

"Dunno," replied Mello. Excuse me, you're a pregnant male, a man cursed to carry and unnatural burden and you don't know who was the sick freak who got pregnant so can wreak inventive, merciless, vengeance on their sorry hides? "I'm still waiting on the test results, but whoever it is we will carry the duty of raising this child together!" And to think that Mello is supposed to be the rebel of the cast, anyways during all this insanity I spied Matt standing in the hallway with a broken-hearted expression.

"Mello?" He asked.

Mello turned to Matt with a guilty expression. "Yeah Matty?"

"It's not mine is it?"

Mello hesitated for a second. "No Matty, I'm sorry!" Hmm, didn't he just say he didn't have the results yet? Well I suppose with all the free love going around the chances of Matt being the father are only four in one at best anyway.

Matt shook his head. "No, no you're not".

"But Matty-"

"Please," Matt held out a pair of bags that he had been holding behind his back. "Just go". Mello hesitated. "GO!" Mello took the bags and left crying like a little girl.

At that moment two men busted through the door and began pointing guns everywhere, " this is the police, we're here for the fugitive Beyond Birthday, come out with your hands up Birthday!"

BB came running down the stairs. The officers backed down instantly, and it wasn't because BB was a homicidal lunatic with a Jam fetish. It was the fact that he wearing nothing but the leftovers of said fetish that made them break down into tears. Which was disturbing, not just the whole 'BB is completely naked apart from the leftovers of his Jam fetish which he used with four other men' but the sight of grown men crying is genuinely scary. Not as scary as BB though.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKEME ALIVE!" Screamed BB and with that he ran out the door between the crying burley police officers.

Unfortunately I am still here and this is where I'm staying apparently. Sitting in the middle of the floor, trying to ignore both two grown middle-aged men sobbing like little girls and Sayu patting me like I'm her pet. We'll it could be worse I suppose…

**June 20**

**Being patted by Sayu (which is getting annoying)**

**The Yagami House-hold**

**Nate Rivers**


	9. Lesson 8: Chopsticks are Deadly

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: Well a reviewer called 'Woah' said he needed more of NGTHS immediately so here I am. Oh and 'Woah' (whoever you are) don't forget to contact me when you get that account!**

I seriously need to get away from this hell, I don't think I can take much more of this...

There I was, just sitting on the ground, trying to build a nice dice tower when suddenly Matt came in and stomped though it laughing manically and stuck a wet lollipop in my hair before running off. I think the combination of being deprived of Mello and the pregnancy hormones are getting to him, still I suppose I should be grateful that he at least carted the officers that tried to take BB away before going completely insane, although I don't actually know what he did with them... I've decided I don't want to know. My sanity's hanging by a thread here people!

Anyways that was when L rushed into the room and spotted the stick treat in my hair, "NEAR! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY LOLLY-WOLLY!" Well that was weird, personaly I think that having so much sex in so short an amount of time is bad for the brain, just look at what it did to L.

At that moment L grabbed by the arm. "You stole my lolly-wolly, now you have to pay!" And with that he began dragging me up the stairs. I, of course, knowing that whatever 'payment' L had in mind probably wasn't going to be beneficial to my continued good health began screaming.

"RAPE! RAPE! MOLESTATION ALERT!" Yes, I know I tried the same thing with Light a few chapters back but I was desperate okay!

"Really?" Light popped his head over the top of the stairs. "Can I join in?"

"Sure" WHAT! Excuse me I couldn't have heard this right. I just heard that L, my idol and protector was going to let Light, a gay man who wore cocktail dresses when he bothered wearing anything at all, the same man who had a god-complex and his own rape-club consisting of al least two straight women, rape poor a little boy in pajamas. That couldn't possibly be right could it?

"I'll get the lubricant," continued L, grinning one of his impish grins. WHAT THE F*&^! That's it! I'm outta here, I refuse to take part in this insanity any longer. It is one thing to slowly drive me insane through various imaginative and disturbing methods but letting Light anywhere near (I'm seriously warning you here, I am really NOT in the mood) my poor little soft body is beyond what I am willing to endure, excuse me and sayonara. Time to close the curtain folks because Near is outta here!

Alas, fate is not so kind as to allow me realease from this hell, but at least he let me off the hook with Light. Matt suddenly turned up again with a bowl of rice and began pelting L and Ligt with rice grains. Light instanly began crying becuse his perfect hair was no ruined foorever because a piece of rice was in it and L ran away screaming (leaving mew behind on the stairs, I was seriously getting bruised at this point people!)

Suddenly Misa turned up with Rem. "What, how dare you ruin my darling Light's hair!" She held out a hand to Rem. "Rem! Chopsticks!"

Matt began screaming. "NO! NOT THE CHOPSTICKS! ANYTHING BUT THE CHOPSTICKS!"

Rem gave her a scared look. "Are you sure Misa, the Chopsticks are rather drastic-"

"Rem," Miss looked at her. "He messed up Light's hair."

Rem shrugged. "Point taken, here you go" she handed her a pair of cheap Chopsticks that you can get for free at any second-rate Chinese restaurant.

Misa grinned. "You have dared to mar my precious Light's hair O' heathen, now prepare to meet judgment from the CHOPSTICKS OF DOOM!" Okay, I would like to state that this fic has now is officially its own special kind of retarded. Even Toshiro's nightmare isn't as random as this.

"NO NOT THE CHOPSTICKS OF DOOM!" Screamed Matt who then promptly turned tail and ran off. Misa chased after him laughing manically, you know, kind of like Light on a sugar rush. My eardrums are still bleeding.

Anyway I decided that staying anywhere near (just one word, just one...) Light was just asking for it even more than opening the front door when you don't know who is behind it (see Toshiro, this is how you avoid getting raped!) so I followed Misa as fast as my little legs could carry me. When I finally got there I saw Misa standing triumphantly over a freshly dug grave. Matt name was engraved on the front in old Gothic script, oh well, it wasn't like he was getting any sympathy from me. He was the first of the Death Note cast to succumb to the disturbing phenomena that is M-preg so he deserved everything that he got. Mind you considering that it's YOU PEOPLE who are running this fic through challenges I suspect he's going ot make a comeback through some absurd means, M-preg and all.

At that moment BB suddenly ran out of a bush where he had been hiding and snatched the chopsticks off Misa. "Yes, with these I will be able to win victory for the Jam1" He ran off into the sunset, leaving a trail of Jam behind. And now we come to my present situation. You see, Sayu won't leave me alone, she's like a stalker except she doesn't just observe from afar but actually treats me like a pet in front of everybody who still has a remnant of sanity of left (Chief Yagami, Aizawa, Matsuda, etc) who just say 'kawaii' and leave me, the single greatest mind the world has ever known to be used as a puppy by some little-heard of support character. This is seriously getting annoying...

**June 25**

**Being patted by Sayu (AGAIN!)**

**The Yagami Household**

**Nate Rivers**


	10. Lesson 9: Cauliflower and you

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: Well it's been a while since I've updated, but I assure you this fic is not dead! And just to be clear on something, you can do pretty much whatever you want to Near besides making him pregnant, Skyskater already made Toshiro pregnant so it would just be going over old ground. **

Hello people, yes I'm still alive despite not having written anything for about a week or so, that was because things were (relatively) sane around here for a while, but of course whatever god up there that so enjoys my torment apparently got back from it's vacation and decided to screw with my life some more.

Just one more thing before we get to my recount: I heard somebody dared me to get pregnant. Let me make this clear: if I, for whatever reason should fall pregnant, I will promptly commit suicide just to spite you all. There are few things I value in this world besides my own life but my self respect is one of them, and my self respect would not be able to go through the enitre process of pregnancy without running off into the sunset while stabbing out his own eyes screaming about how wrong the situation is.

So yes, are clear about the pregnancy issue? Other people? Fine. Other males? Not so much but still better than me. Me? HELL F#$%&#$ NO!

Anyways, you people don't want to listen to me ranting about M-Preg do you? No you want to hear me ranting about the traumatic experiences I have been forced through due to your twisted imaginations. Well it all started a few hour's ago, we were all sitting around the table, except for BB (on the run), Mello (thrown out), and Matt (six feet under) waiting for dinner to arrive, I was sitting at one end of the table, giving my best evil grin to anybody dared to come close to me, and everybody else was around the other end for some unexplained reason.

Well eventually Mrs Yagami came in and served us all steamed vegetables for an entree, now, does anyone besides me see a problem with this. seriously. Well for the slower ones among you L was at the table. L was being served vegetables. L does not like vegetables. L has an extremely childish and vindictive personality. L has contacts with extremely powerful organisations that can make it like you never existed. I think you get my point.

L slowly looked up at Mrs Yagami with his deadpan eyes and asked her, "what is this?" He pocked a piece of cauliflower on his plate.

"Why that's cauliflower dear." Mrs Yagami smiled happily.

L glared at her. "Isn't cauliflower a vegetable?"

"Of course, that's why I'm giving some to everybody, you need your strength!" Wow, I mean seriously, wow. Here she is, basically signing her own death warrant and she's still smiling like nothing ever happened.

L pushed his plate away. "I would rather have some sweets if it's all the same." He took out a foil-wrapped hard lolly from his jeans pocket and took off the wrapping. Just as he was about to pop it in his mouth Mrs Yagami suddenly grabbed his wrist.

"Please at least try some, I promiose you won't be dissapointed..." hmm that smile was getting pretty disturbing considering what it's owner was doing.

L didn't even look at her. "No." And then he moved his face to the lolly, apparently intending to grab it with his teeth. Suddenly there was a crash and Mrs Yagami was holding L's amr being his back with one hand and pushing his face towards the cauliflower with the other.

"EAT YOUR F&*^%$ VEGETABLES YOU INGRATE!" Wow, and I thought Mello in chocolate withdrawal was scary.

"Nooo!" Cried L as his face was pushed into the vegetables.

"Eat Em'!"

"NEVER!-ARGHHHH!" That was L as his face was mashed into the vegetables in font of him. Suddenly Mrs Yagami let go of his arms and stood complacently behind him as L lay frozen in the vegetable plate. He slowly rose up, revealing a p[ink face from all the steam and a large piece of cauliflower sticking out of his mouth. Then hell froze over, the apocalypse began and he swallowed it.

I, and the majority of the rest of the Death Note cast prayed for a quick death. Then L licked his lips and said:

"Actually, that's not half bad, in fact I think I'll have some more!" Excuse me? Who stole our L and replaced him with this freak of nature? Anyway, at just that moment Light Misa spoke up.

"Hey Mrs Yagami?"

"Yes dear?"

"Can I borrow the table?" Excuse me? I'm still eating!

Mrs Yagami smiled. "Whatever for dear?"

"Well... I couple of my friends need a table for their Lesbian pole-dancing concert!" I gagged, no way am I ever going to eat off this table ever again!

Mrs Yagami frowned "Absolutely not!" Hooray, apparently there is some sanity left in this world! "Light and his friends need it for later!" Oh-uh, I have a bad feeling about this.....

Light piped up. "Actually we need to start now, do you mind Mom?'

"Of course not dear." Light griined and motioned to L, suddenly they both stripped off their clothing to reveal leather dominator outfits, a second later Mello ran through the door in a frilly dress and stood on the table. Oh my Kira... please, have mercy...

And with that they all jumped onto the table and started... I'm sorry, I just can't, just... please... PLEASE JUST KILL ME!

Okay, I'm over it (mostly), they're doing some sort of gay sex act, involving L doing strange things with cauliflower. That had been on my plate a few seconds ago. That I had already taken a bite out of. Suddenly all these screaming Yoai fan-girls ran into the room and started screaming in joy. Then Mello suddenly turned to me.

"Hey, were one uke short, wanna join in?" The screaming got louder. It was then I resolved to castrate Mello.

"We've even got another frilly dress!" With a spanner.

"Or maybe you want to be switchable?" Maybe that should be pliers....

**July 7th**

**Contemplating sweet VENGEANCE**

**The Yagami household**

**Nate Rivers**


	11. Lesson 10: Viagra equals Hell

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well long story short I wasn't able to render L, Light and Mello incapable of having children, although knowing this fic they'd probably have found a way to do it anyway. Whenever I got too close to the... 'dancing' threesome on table the crowd dragged me back. In the end I just ran into my room, locked the door and prayed for a quick death. Guess what. It didn't work.

Well anyways I eventually went to sleep only to wake up a few minutes later with Light's face a few inches away from my own with something that I sincerely hoped was Cauliflower in hair. After I stopped screaming he spoke.

"Hey guess what!"

"...No." I said in a sour tone

He blinked in confusion. "No?"

"No as in opposed to yes. No as in a refusal to comply. No as in I refuse to guess what because it inevitably lead to more insanity and an increase in my suicidal urges."

Light blinked again. "Uhhh, what?" Seriously, is this the same genius that managed to knock off the worlds greatest detective? Mind you, the way L's been acting lately that particular achievement is worth about the same as Paris Hilton's non-existent virginity.

"It means I'm not guessing so I won't have to endure anymore of your stupidity, for a while at least."

"Errr, whatever, I'm going to tell you anyway!" No, I don't want to hear this, I can't take much more insanity before I run off to the funny farm to escape this stupidity. Of course he told me anyway. "There's another bunch of people from another dimension here!" Great, I'll be having inter-dimensional insanity today as opposed to my usual dose of singular dimensional insanity. Always good have some variety in life.

And with that he dragged me out of bed (please, no Yoai comments, I'm begging you) and forced my poor little body to the front of the house, which still has that stage attached. Still at least I'm always wearing Pajamas so he didn't drag me out naked, actually if you think about it if I hadn't been wearing Pajama's and went to bed in my underwear or something he might have done something else all together...

I'm never taking these off again.

Well everybody was around the front of the house again, and guess what! A few meters above us was an inter-dimensional portal, a few seconds later two groups of people fell out.

The first was the Twilight cast, I actually went up to talk to them. There is something I have to clear up here, it's not particulary important but...

"Hey, Edward right?" I asked the one with bronze hair.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I know this is a personal question but it's real plot hole that I need to clear up." He glared at me. "I noticed that there is a distinct reference to vampires having sex in the Twilight novels...

"Yeah, so?" He asked my confised. "Where's the plot hole in that?"

"Well..." I have to admit I really didn't want to ask this, mainly because of all the raving Twilight fans out there who are probably going to kill me because I ruined Twilight for them. "You don't have any heartbeat right?"

"Err, yeah..."

"Then you don't have any blood pressure either? Do you?" Twilight fans please... be gentle.

"Umm, no, I suppose not.."

"Well, blood pressure is mandatory for erections." I stated bluntly. "If you don't have blood pressure to let you 'perform', then how did you..."

If Vampires could sweat then Edward would have just then. "Well I was able to because.. because... SHUT UP!"

Well, that's one mystery I will never have the answer to. Anyways, just then another group fell out of the portal before it disappeared in a puff of smoke. I instantly recognised them as the people from the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, hey wait a second, this is a _good_ thing! If they're here that means that...

"Urrghhh." Said Kyon as he sat up. "What's happening _now_!?"

Ah, Kyon, my fellow sane man and comrade in the suffering of insanity! Let me welcome you so we can mock the stupidly of our lives together!

"Yes, I told you that there an inter-dimensional portal in the park!" That was the ever energetic Haruhi Suzumiya in case you were too stupid to work that out for yourselves. Well long story short, once everybody had made their introductions It was declared that everybody would be staying at the Yagami household. Excuse me!? We're going to host the entire combined casts of the Twilight Quartet and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya along with our own in one house designed for ten people, at the absolute maximum? Then, just as I thought things couldn't get any worse, I overheard L and Light whispering..

"Hey, Haruhi is pretty much god right?" Whispered Light.

"Yeah, so?" That was L by the way.

"Well, according to the Melancholy people Haruhi doesn't know about her powers, but her subconscious makes whatever she wants happen.."

"Yeah..."

"Well, there's a way we can make what we want to happen by influencing her subconscious isn't there?"  
L blinked. "There is?"

"Yes," Light did his evil grin, "well we pretty much just want a twenty-four-seven orgy right?"

"HELL YES!" Wow, just when I thought my respect for L couldn't drop any lower..

"Well," Light leaned foward and I had to move a few inches closer to hear. "What do you think will happen if we spike her food with Viagra?" Oh dear sweet Jesus...

L's eyes widened. "Light-bright you're so smart!"

Well, as they continued their little conversation, I was getting very, very afraid. If they actually managed to slip Haruhi some Viagra, they might actually get their wish...

Now, a world filled with nothing but all night long orgy's might be an ideal world to some but the idea of spending the rest of my life as some kind of particularly loud blow up boy...

Dear god, please, just kill me already, what have I done to so earn your ire?

**July 10**

**Contemplating Suicide**

**The Yagami household**

**Nate Rivers**


	12. Lesson 11: Vampires and Suicide

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well I'm still here, not that I haven't tried to rectify that but for some reason Haruhi decided that she liked me so her subconscious keeps foiling my various attempts at suicide. Ropes break, poison turns to water, giant pillows appear below windows over two meters high, etc. It's a bit like trying to talk Mello out of using your carrots as his latest fetish, you can try but you're just going to end up disappointed and probably scarred for life.

Also, Kyon's agreed to help me save Haruhi from having her food spiked with Viagra, this because the following will happen to him if L and Light succed: A: He will become Haruhi's newest BDSM sex toy, B: He will become _Koizumi's _sex toy or C: He will become both. At the same time. L and the rest of the elopers will probably join in as well, even Matt who's _still dead_.

Anyway, right now I'm stuck in the classroom because despite everything I've been through lately I still have to go to school. Oh, and another fast fact. The seating arrangement has been changed. Now I have L and Light to my left (and I thought having them up the front of the class was bad!) and Mello on my right who's holding Matt's old rice bowl reverently. I really wish I could say I don't have a clue of what he's planning to do with it, especially since it's getting mouldy now, but the simple fact is I do. I see it in my nightmares.

Well, there's not exactly much for me to write about right now so that's it for now.

*****

Hello people, I'm Kyon, Near's busy fending off L and Light from Haruhi's lunch so I'm the one reporting this hour's segment of insanity. We're at lunch right now, Haruhi's go off to the bathroom, thus resulting in L and Light beginning their attempts to doom us all to an eternity of increasingly disturbed sexual experiences. Probably involving fruit and vegetables, considering what Near's told me about this universe.

What the- someone's just ran past ranting about Jam, and why is he naked? No, wait, let me correct that, he isn't actually naked he seems to be wearing red underwear... wait a second, that's not underwear-

*****

Near again, I managed to hold off L and Light until Haruhi came back to find that Kyon had helped himself to my dairy. Personally I don't really care if multitudes of people come in and start writing in it because the general incoherence might actually lead to a drop popularity and thus cause this fic to end and allow me release from this hell involving vegetable fetsihes and Jam cults.

Speaking of Jam cults BB just ran past, still clad only in the remnant's of his fetish, which caused poor Kyon here to keel over in sheer horror. Lucky bastard, still it's his first time experiencing the sheer relatedness of this fic and he just got a first hand look of BB full frontal without so much as heads-up so I'll let him slide this one time...

BB's still here, he has clothes now thank god. I've seen more than enough BB to last me several lifetimes. If you want a description think raisins. Very dry raisins.

The Twilight crew seems to be adapting well, apart from one who looks like BB just 'initiated' him into the elopers club. Edward still refuses to answer my question about how he managed to get an erection without blood pressure, the one called Bella currently chatting with a bunch of fan-girls about how awesome she is now that she's a vampire and....

Uh-oh.

There's a bunch of angry teenagers about to burst through the cafeteria doors, most them are wearing T-shirts with 'EDWARD-4-EVER' printed on in sparkles. For those of you who are too stupid to work out what's going on the aforementioned crowd are the numerous Twilight fans who want to wreak merciless vengeance on my poor, soft, extremely slow body for pointing out that there is no way Edward could possibly maintain an erection.

Excuse me, I have to run before they catch me, see you tomorrow. Or not.

**July 11**

**Running like hell**

**The New Highschool of Hell**

**Nate Rivers**


	13. Lesson 12: Jam and Orgies

Disclaimer: I do not own death Note, The Twilight Quartet, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well that was fun. Not.

Where am I, you ask? Well here's a clue, it's dark, but not quiet, there's a bunch of tools next to me, but I'm not in a shed. What? Not even an inkling? God, you people are stupid. If you must know I'm in a cupboard with an industrial steel door (thank god), writing by the light of a small light-bulb hanging from the ceiling. Why am I in here? Well, it'll be easier if I just tell you whole thing.

Starting from the last entry into the diary of my increasingly deranged life, I managed to escape the Twilight fandom and reach the relative safety of the Yagami household. I was spitting out some of the dirt I had nearly swallowed when I had to dive beneath a bush to avoid being spotted by the Twilight fandom and about to push open the front door when I heard a sudden cheering.

"Matty, you're back!" Uh-oh. Well, to be fair, I can't really say I expected to be able to get here without some insanity occurring sooner or later. Actually, considering the fact I just had to spend several hour's dodging the Twilight fandom to get 'home' things had been pretty tame for most of the day. I turned around to see Matt standing by his gravestone, apparently having dug himself out judging from the giant hole in front of it. Running toward him was Mello with tears in his eyes.

"Matty, I missed you!"

"Brains...." Oh, did I forget to mention that he was still dead? Yes that's right people, whatever force of the universe that decided to bring Matt back into the world of the living went to lunch or something half-way through his resurrection. For those of you who are to stupid to work out what this means, I'll put it in simple terms for you: Matt is back in the world of the living. Matt is in his body. Matt's body is still dead. Therefore Matt is still dead. But since he is now back in the world of living however he is no longer fully dead. Therefore Matt is undead. Therefore Matt is now a Zombie.

Yes, oh simple ones, your beloved Matt is now a particulary lively corpse, with bits falling off him. Still, considering that undead is apparantly the new black according to the Twilight fans, I bet his fandom's just going to get bigger.

Suddenly everybody else came home from school, except for The Melancholy people who seem are apparently searching for aliens. "Matt you're alive!" No, you idiots, HE'S STILL DEAD! How can you not notice the fact that most of his skin has rotted away, thus revealing his decomposing organs? You should be running away in fear, or at least covering your noses! He STINKS!

"Let's celebrate Matt coming back to life!" Shouted Light.

"WITH AN ALL-AROUND ORGY!" That, I am sad to inform you, was my former idol L.I am even sadder to inform you that everybody cheered and started ripping off each others clothing with the exception of L, Light, Matt and Mello. Instead, they started putting on their dominator leather. Again. I can't tell you what happened next due to the fact that I ran into the house looking for a good place to hide from all of the insanity and therefore did not see it. Thank god.

I eventually found this cupboard, complete with an industrial steel door. THERE IS A GOD! I , of course locked myself in and prayed to whatever deity was up there to stop screwing my life. It got a bit lonely after a while but it was still better than having to watch four grown men have sex with each other same time in dominator outfits, especially since one of them was dead. Not that the other three noticed this SLIGHTLY OBVIOUS fact.

At least I still had my toy robots for companionship. I would have had my leggo collection as well, since this is where I usually put it but apparantly someone's stolen them. I've decided that I don't want to know where they've gone, considering what goes on in this fic on a regular basis.

It was then that fate decided that he had been too nice to me lately (fate's an ass) and threw a wrench into the already malfunctioning wreck of a machine that is my life. I spotted a Jar of Jam sitting on the shelf above me.

I contemplated suicide for the sixteenth time that day.

"NEAR!" BB started banging on my industrial strength steel door, which in an incredibly rare stroke of good luck had an equally strong lock on it. "LET ME HAVE THE JAM! I KNOW IT'S IN THERE!" Oh what are you going to with it? Use it as lubricant for your disturbed affairs with other men?

"WE RAN OUT OF LUBRICANT SO WE NEED THE JAM UNTIL WE GET SOME MORE!"

My god I really do hate being right. Of course fate just couldn't resist leaving me in that- and I'm really depressed saying this- comparatively sane situation and got creative. Suddenly the banging on the door multiplied by ten, then a hundred.

"NEAR!" Came the voices of almost every other occupant of the house. "GIVE US THE JAM!" Of course I couldn't open the door now, they would swarmed in and then I would have ended up squashed between over thirty people having sex with each other at the same time with Jam as lubricant. That door was _locked _and it staying locked dammit!

Of course, when you try to cheat fate of his fun he just screws with you ten times worse. I really should have just given them the Jam and ran.

"Hey!" Light suddenly shouted. "I juts realised that Near is a virgin!" _What has that got to do with_ -and then I realised what was about to happen- _**OH S*%$!**_

"A VIRGIN!?" The crowd screamed.

"Yep, a real live virgin!" Light declared happily.

"I didn't think there were any left!"

"It's too good to be true!"

"Sweet Baba Yaga! A virgin!?" The crowd babbled, then came a voice that chilled my very soul.

"I CALL DIBS!" Came a male voice, I couldn't tell who it was, and considering my situation I didn't really want to know.

"NO! NEAR'S MINE!"

"CAN'T WE SHARE HIM?"

"BUT I WANT HIS SOFT LITTLE BODY ALL TO MYSELF!" That time I'm disturbed to report was clearly they all started plotting ways to 'introduce me into adulthood' out loud. Right now I'm writing this page as what may possibly be my last message to you all- **OH F*&%! THE LOCK'S BREAKING!**

**July 11**

**Watching the cupboard door lock break (f*&%$#$ American locksmiths!). Probably about to be 'introduced into adulthood' by several people at the same time**

**The Yagami Household**

**Nate Rivers**


	14. Lesson 13: The Value of Virginity

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well, what do you know- I'm still alive!

How did I survive, you ask? Let me continue from where our recount of the hellish mire of hyper-sexuals and Jam-fests that is my life left off in the last installment of this so-called guide to high school (more like a how-to-drive-Near-to-suicide-with-gay-sex-and-Jam guide if you ask me. Which, of course, everyone else is too busy competing in the orgasm marathon to do):

The lock on the industrial steel door was breaking when I had a brilliant idea on how to stop them:

"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop or I'll eat the Jam!" Now this may not seem like much of a threat but remember: they were using this Jam for lubricant. They would do anything to protect their precious Jam. If they didn't they would have to.. do certain things without...

I'm going to stop before I give myself brain damage.

"NO! NOT THE JAM!" Screamed BB through the door. Instantly the shoving of the door ceased and I sighed in relief. Of course fate, being the sadistic B%$#&*$ that he is, couldn't let this opportunity to screw with my life some more pass.

"Hey," that was Light. Just a question before we continue: the majority of you people who read this thing and send in mind-bending challenges to torment me seem to leave Light alone. HOW COME YOU DON'T SCREW WITH HIM!? HE KILLED L! I KILLED HIM! (Well that was Ryuk but I created the circumstance dammit!) WHY DON'T YOU INFLICT YOUR SICK, TWISTED FANTASIES ON HIM AND SPARE MY SOFT LITTLE BODY FROM THIS HELL!?

Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, back to the story: "hey," said Light, who I thoroughly hate and despise with every atom of my being, "if Near eats the Jam doesn't that mean the lubricant will be in him?" Oh s*%$...

"Yes!" Yelled L. "That means he'll be pre-lubricated!"

"YES!" Everybody screamed. "A PRE-LUBRICATED VIRGIN!" And with that the door's lock broke and the majority of the Death Note cast (and some of the Twilight cast, oh god even dead people with mysterious erectile abilities want to... I can't say it. Not after all this...) came swarming in. I prayed to whatever deity is up there to kill me before I was unceremoniously thrown to the floor and 'introduced to adulthood' by several people at the same time. One or more of them possibly being dead. Guess what?

It didn't work.

However, it seemed that fate didn't quite want to let me off that easily with a simple 'compulsory defloweration'. At that moment a bunch of people in suits burst through the door as the crowds began tugging off my various articles of clothing.

"Halt!" They said before then they turned to me. "You are Nate Rivers, correct?"  
I didn't know what these people in suits were or why they were here but anything was better than having Light.. do things to me. "YES! I'M NATE RIVERS! GET THESE PSYCHOS OFF ME BEFORE THEY GET TO MY UNDERWEAR!" I admit it wasn't my most dignified comment, but I think I handled it better than any of you people would have. Seriously, imagine Light trying to 'take your cherry', and if that's not enough to give you brain damage I would like to point out that he had some sort of vegetable with him that clearly intended to use. I couldn't tell what type said vegetable was because of two things: A, it would have required closer examination to find out (keep in mind that he's probably used it in one of his 'playdates' with L, Matt, Mello and BB). B, it was covered wih some sort of substance that made it impossible to see exactly what kind of vegetable it was. I decided not to find out what said substance was to preserve what little remains of my sanity, although I would probably be able to tell if Light managed to get to me before the rest.

"Good!" The men suddenly barged their way through the crowd, stomping on Light several times (sweet vengeance), and grabbed me.

"THANK YOU MY SAVIOURS!" I cried in joy. Once again, not my most dignified moment but what the hell! I had been saved from Light molesting me with a vegetable! It was then I suddenly felt the sharp pain of a needle in my thigh. I looked down to see the remains of tranquilizer dart. Well I can't exactly say I didn't expect something like to happen. Fate just _loves_ screwing with my life, there's no way he'd me off that easily.

_Still,_ I thought as I tumbled into oblivion. _If Light and co get to me now at least I won't feel it..._

*****

"Hey," said a voice, I felt something shake me awake. I moaned and screwed up my eyes. "Hey don't be like that, we're all friends here, why else would we do this for you?"

That woke me up instantly, like hell fate was going to be nice and give me a reprieve from the mind-bending torments he so loved. I looked around to see a dark room with several tables. On said tables were numerous plastic objects and strange liquids. I looked away from them and saw Light standing a few inches away from me.

"HOLYM&^%$#*^%$#!" I screamed and tried to lurch back, only to find my limbs bound, I glanced down and saw that I was chained to some kind of metal X.

"W-what the F*&^% is going on!?" I screamed. I heard sniggers behind Light, and Mello, Matt (who was still rotting by the way), BB and L suddenly stepped out from behind him.

"Well, since it's your first time and all we thought we'd teach you a few things..." that was L, who I now have sworn to kill before he finds some way to sink even lower in my eyes. I then realised what was going on and I recognised the various objects on the tables and what the liquid was became painfully obvious.

"I even got some Tele-tubby suits on e-bay to try out," sniggered Light as he held up a red suit with some kind of antennae. Wow. I mean, just wow. Just when I think things can't get any worse Light proves to me that there is always some way to make it worse. Case in point: BDSM rape by five people, one of which is dead. Now put those people in Tele-tubby suits.

You have to give fate credit for creativity.

Light was suddenly behind me. "Let's get started."

*****

"NOOOO!" I screamed as I woke up. For a few seconds my eyes darted around the black room I was in, then I realised that the whole situation with the elopers had been just a dream.

Thank you almighty lord in heaven! I will never doubt your judgement again!

Suddenly my room shook and I heard the slamming of car doors. My room was filled with light (not Light, the person who I curse with every atom of my being. Just ordinary light) and I realised that I was, in fact, lying in a car boot. Once of the people in suits roughly hauled me out of the car and began dragging me by the collar.

"Hey, what's going on?" I asked, suddenly very afraid. The man ignored me. I took in my surrounding. We were in some kind of car park. A few meters ahead of us was some kind of stage. To the side was a huge crowd of people holding signs with numbers on them. Uh-oh, this can't be good.

Suddenly I was hauled up a bunch of stairs and thrown into the air.

Well, they might have saved me from certain... things, but they could at least be little more careful with my soft body? I'm only little you know...

I was dragged over to a chair and I felt my hands and feet being chained to the arms and legs of the chair. Not a good sign in my lfie. Come to think of it- what is? I looked in front of me to see I was sitting in the middle of a stage in a metal chair with at least two hundred people in front of me.

"Weclome one and all!" Said a person a few meters beide me into a microphone. "Here we have article number thirty-eight, perhaps the most rarest of treasures, a _virgin._" The crowd gasped and started babbling. Oh god. For those of you who are too thick to keep up I'll put things in simple terms for you: I was being auctioned off. For whatever reason of their the people who had saved me from Light and co had given me to this strange person who was now auctioning me off like some kind of piece of art.

I suppose I'm worth as much as a peice of rare art but that's not the point!

"I bet half a cent!" Yelled someone.

"I bet two-thirds of cent!" Yelled another. WHAT!?!? I'M BEING ACTIONED OFF AND YOU PEOPLE ARE TYRING TO GET ME FOR UNDER A CENT!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

"We bet _ten _cent's," said a nightmarishly familiar voice. I felt my blood run cold as I saw L, Matt, Mello, BB and Light holding up a number. Light had his 'exactly as planned' face on and was the speaker. The crowd gasped.

"A whole ten cents?"

"But.. they could buy something valuable with that!" This is fate screwing with me. I refuse to accept the idea that this all pure coincidence. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU SADISTIC B%$#&*$! Perhaps this is just asking for it but I really needed to get that out of my system... oh, and one more thing before I leave off (trying to write in a dairy is difficult when you're tied to a chair), I'm beginning to think that I'm getting premonitions now... of something horrible...

Light and co are all wearing tele-tubby suits...

**July 11 (again!)**

**About to be auctioned off for TEN CENTS!**

**Some carpark in Japan.**

**Nate Rivers**


	15. Lesson 14: Yoai and Crop Circles

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its associated characters or fictional locations.

I didn't think it was possible, seriously, I simply did not believe that my situation could get any worse. Or course, that's just asking for it when fate's screwing with you but seriously, how the hell could it get any worse? Well, as always, fate has seen fit prove that it can always can worse, and he will take every chance he can to see just how far he can go before I have to be dragged away in a straight jacket.

Case in point: my auctioning off from the last entry. Just after I stopped writing into my dairy another bunch of bidders suddenly appeared.

"I bet twenty-five cents!" Cried one. Just out of curiosity if we're in Japan then why are they using dollars? Shouldn't they be using Yen?

"I bet five hundred dollars!" Shouted another one. Now that was more like it. Although I honestly expected thousands at the very least, it was still better than cents!

"No!" Yelled an even louder voice over the babbling of the crowd. "I bet one thousandDollars!" I looked over the edge of the crowd to see the SOS Brigade standing at the edge of the crowd. Kyon, apparently still not over seeing BB completely naked, was still comatose and was being dragged by the collar by Haruhi. Dammit, Kyon! If there was ever a time I needed a fellow sane man it's now! Hang on... what the hell do _they _want my Virginity for!

"Going once!" Called the auctioneer. No wait, I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHY THEY WANT MY VIRGINITY FOR!!! For all I know they want to use me as some sort of extra-terrestrial bait for sexually frustrated aliens!

"Going twice!" I spied Light, BB, Matt, L, and Mello walking off dejectedly in their Tele-tubby suits. Apparantly my Virginty isn't worth enough to them to pay a thousand dollars for. Personally I couldn't decided whether to be happy or insulted. Then I spied the butt-flaps of their suits hanging open.

Happy it is!

"Sold to the girl with the fluorescent hairband!" The auctioneer pointed his mallet at the hyperactive teenager.

"Yes!" Haruhi punchedupwards. "Just charge it Kyon'sbank account!" HA! Take that Kyon, serves you right for sleeping through my hour of need! Mind you, with this fic I'm going to be having a hell of a lot more than just one hour of need this is any indication of what's up ahead. I was quickly unchained from the chair by a burly man in a sweatshirt and unceremoniously thrown across the crowd to the SOS Brigade. I would like to point out that the SOS Brigade was over fifty metres from the auctioneer's stage.

"YOUA#$%^&$!" I screamed as I flew across the crowd. A few seconds later I slammed into Kyon, You'd be interested to know that actually he makes a fairly good pillow once a few of his bones are broken.

"ARGGHH!" Kyon suddenly jolted into consciousnessas he felt his ribcage crack in several different places. "Where am I, the last I remember is..." his eyes suddenly widened. "NOOOOO!" And with that my only fellow sane man fell back into his dreams. Apparently even the memory of seeing BB full-frontal is too much for his delicate senses.

"Yes!" Haruhi sudenly grabbed me by the hair and hauled me up so that my little legs were a few inches away from the ground. THAT HURTS YOU KNOW! "I know, I just don't care," she replied.

Can she read minds?

"Maybe, now all we need is some crop circles and our Alien trap is bound to succeed. There's no way any kind of sexually active Yoai-loving Alien could possibly resist Near'ssoft little body!" F^%$#^ HELL! WHY AM I ALWAYS RIGHT!?

"...That is true," said the purple haired one. Wait, isn't she an alien too? I don't like that look she's giving me....

"Yes, I hardly think any terrestrial Yoai-lover could resist either," said Koizumi. No, don't say that, it make you look even gayer than usual! Actually that's quite an accomplishment. And why the hell would Aliens love Yoai anyway? For all you know they might not even have reproductive organs and might consider the whole process of procreation disgusting and traumatic!

Actually after all this I think I feel the same way.

"Whatever, onward to the crop circles!" And with that the SOS Brigade got into a conveniently placed bus, Haruhi dragging Kyon by the collar with one hand and dragging me by the hair with the other. Well, at least I had escaped being raped by Light and co, or so I thought, then just moments before we were about to leave I heard a tapping on my window. I looked out to see Light mushing his face into the glass.

"WHATTHEM&*^%$%$#^%!" I screamed and lurched backwards.

"Hey!" Light called. "Can we join in?"  
"Sure!" Called Haruhi from the front of the bus after having thrown out the bus driver for not being fast enough. "There's some room next to Near!"

YOU B^%$#! WHY! Why does the universe hate me so much!? I mean I KILLED LIGHT! Everybody hates Light, you should all be celebrating my existence, not driving me insane/suicdal/both!

The tripe to the crop circles was... unpleasant. To define unpleasant I had Light, L, Matt (who's dead), Mello and BB all pressed into my seat while I was being mushed against the window. I would to point out the fact that I couldn't actually breathe, let alone move, even to turn my head a little. Meaning that I had no idea of what the elopers were doing behind me. Fortunately they seemed to have exhausted themselves, a fact for wich my gratitude will never fade.

When we finally arrived at the crop circle I was carried out by the Elopers at Haruhi's command and chained to a post in the middle of a giant crop circle. Perhaps it would be best to provide you with some details of our surroundings at this point. We had gone out to the country and found a wheat field with a bunch of crop circles in the middle. Personally I'm surprised that they even had wheat fields in Japan. Don't they usually eat rice instead!?

Anyway, night had finally fallen for my extraordinarily long day (it's been the eleventh of July for multiple entrees, people! That's how much insanity this day has had!) so there I was, chained to a post in the middle of a giant crop circle with the SOS Brigade and the elopers hiding in the wheat stalks. Kyon was still comatose, by the way, so there was no help coming from his direction. I stood there for a few minutes before my tired little legs collapsed from under me.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEAR!" Haruhi screamed. "THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU IF YOU DON'T STAND UP!" Oh for god's sake I've been through enough already... just let me rest for a moment.

"NO!" Suddenly she grinned, "I know, Yoai-loving Aliens's love Yoai!" Incredible, your powers of deduction are awe-inspiring, now can you tell me what two plus two is? "If we want to see some Alien's then we're going to need some Yoai action!" Oh-uh, I don't like where this is going...

"Koizumi!" She pointed at Koizumi. "Go make out with Near!" NO! I still have my self respect and I won't demean myself by making out with a smiling gay psychic!

"Yes Suzumiya-san!" And with that Koizumi ran towards me. Excuse me, that agreement was just a _little _too enthusiastic to me- no get away, get your smiling pretty-boy face away from me dammit!

"No, wait!" I screamed. Oh, just look at what they've done to me. Once I was the cool, calm, collected heir to the throne of the world's greatest detective. Near, Nate Rivers, L the third, yes that was me. Now I'm a screaming boy on the verge of being molested in a crop circle. "Can't you just get Light and co to screw each other!?

"No! We want virgin Yoai, and besides," she pointed to Matt hiding the bushes. "Zombie-boy there's an instant turn-off."  
"Actually, Matt can't even join in as a seme anymore," said Mello, looking sad.

"Oh, and why is that?" I asked, trying to buy time.

".. The same reason why I can't be an Uke until I go the toliet... Matty's body breaks far too easily now..." ARRRGHHHH! Did I just manage to evade being molested only to inadvertently mentally scar myself in new and inventive ways?

"Anyways, get to it Koizumi!" No, wait don't say that. Alas it was too late and Koizumi continued to stride forward as I struggled to free myself from the chains binding me to the post.

Then just as I had given myself up for worse than dead I heard the scream of sirens and six police cars burst through the edge of the crop circle, running over Koizumi in the process (I wasn't complaining!) . The Police marched out their car and pointed their guns at BB. "Beyond Birthday, you are hereby under arrest for multiple accounts of the following: Jam rape, indecent exposure..." it went like for a while, personally I'm amazed that the policeman managed to say it all in one breath. "... and stealing five Tele-tubby suits!"

Yes, just the thing to distract Haruhi while I free myself from my chains! Mind you I don't think Koizumi's going to be walking any time soon, never mind molesting me.

"No!" screamed BB as he was taken away, apparently he couldn't fight off the numerous police men due to the fact that he had already used up all of his Jam as lubricant, hooray for Jam shortages!

Well that was something I never thought I'd write.

Apparently after all that the crop circle was ruined so Haruhi let me go and we all got a free ride to the Yagami house in the back of a police car. Oh, good news for once in my life, Light and the rest of the Elopers have also been arrested for multiple illegal things involving stolen Jam and gay sex in public. Meaning they won't be bothering me for a while. This means there's probably going to be a hell of a lot less damned Yoai in this fic for the next few chapters. Still, I suppose fate will still find a way to drive me insane through non-sexual means...wait! Only the _Yoai _people have been taken so there's still the possibility of _heterosexually _based insanity. However I don't think it's possible women to rape men so I should be fine in that department.

Yes, the fact I actually wrote that is a sign of my faith that women cannot rape men, because normally when I write something down and say I don't think it's possible fate always finds a way of proving me wrong. However in this case I feel that not even the sadistic A$#%^&^ that is fate will be able to challenge that statement and prove me wrong. There's still the possibility of non-sexually based insanity though so I suppose I shouldn't mock him too badly.

Anyways, right now I'm writing in my fresh new bed, personally I have no doubt that I'm going to regret the above paragraph in regards to fate but right now I feel I can safely say that for the first time in a long time I'm finishing off my chapter entry on a sane (and extremely happy) note.

**July 11**

**Finishing off this entry and going asleep happy for once in my life as Light is locked up with the rest of the elopers in prison and so can't at get me in my sleep.**

**The Yagami Household**

**Nate Rivers**


	16. Lesson 15: Chilli sauce and Tools

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

This. Is. War.

Well since all you lovely people out there who keep on sending in various ways to drive me insane/ cause me grievous bodily harm/ kill me in the most disturbing way possible/ get me raped/ all of them at once are so curious as to why I have just written the above let me put an end to your misery (even though you so enjoy mine).

It had been over three weeks since my last entry in my diary, for once in my life things were looking up. There were no gay people in dresses. The Jam was no longer scarce due to mentally scarring reasons and it seemed the worst fate could do to me right now was to give a paper cut now and then.

It was heaven after all of the insanity of the previous chapters, and it let my mind recover from seeing all of that Yoai-based horror in the period of one day. (Seriously, I had to break it up into multiple entries! That's how bad it was!) However there is a certain rule in my life that has proven itself evident and irrefutable time and again.

There is no escape from the insanity. Period.

After all the trouble fate went to get me (remember that thing he threatened me with to get me to go along with this, that took imagination, a really _twisted _imagination No you can't find out what it was, this ficis T-rated after all) there was no way he was just going to let me live out the rest of my schooling life safe from the mechanics of the sick and twisted thing known as his imagination. I should have realised that the only reason he was granting me such a reprieve was so that I would be fresh for his next wave of mind-bending horror.

Well on to the story, first we shall start with the good part of my day. I woke up in the morning, fresh and happy, my Pyjamas were clean and my toys were neatly arrayed out on the floor.  
Now that we've covered the good part lets get onto the part we actually want to read about. My door suddenly burst open, revealing Edward Cullen in all his Gary-Stu glory.

"NEAR!" He yelled. "I NEED YOUR HELP!" I won't be much help if I go deaf you moron, tone it down a little.

"NEVER!" Dammit, why are there so many people who can read minds around nowadays? "BELLA'S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE VOLTURI! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET!" What? Again? Why don't you just get those werewolf people who miraculously overcame a centuries old feud for a girl who can't walk to school without falling flat on her face, who later becomes a vampire and reaches all new heights of Mary-suism all in one swift move?

Edward looked uncomfortable, mind you he's been like that since I pointed out the fact that cannot actually maintain an erection. "Jacob and the rest got sent to the dog pound..." what! Why? Did they go into heat while in werewolf- I mean _shape-_shifter mode and rape the neighbour's dog?

"… Are you spying on us?" WHAT THE F&^%!? Okay, that was when I realised that fate had decided to come back and screw with me for kicks.

"Umm, Near, what's the matter?" Asked Edward as I started crying like a little girl. Hey, take a look at what I went through the last few chapters and then tell me if you would be able to face all of that again after living through it without blubbering like a little girl.

"Er… you know what? I'll just get someone else to help.." And with that Edward walked off, leaving me to my misery. Actually, that wasn't so bad, but then fate decided that seeing as I had apparently dodged his first bullet he'd crank up his Gatling gun of mind bending horrors.

Suddenly there was an explosion outside. I, being the highly intelligent individual that I am, promptly stopped bawling and made my way downstairs. All of you people probably want to know what that explosion was. I on the other hand am trying to maintain what sanity I have left, I began looking for the keys to Matt's car, hopefully if I could find them I could avoid whatever stupidity fate had cooked up for me this time.

Alas, as you probably have worked out by now, such attempts are doomed to failure when the universe takes pleasure in your pain. Just as I was looking for Matt's keys under the couch the front door suddenly burst open revealing Alec from Twilight.

"Hey, Jane!" He called. "I've found a good appetiser!" Wait, did he just say APPETISER!? He suddenly ran forwards faster than my eyes could see, grabbed me, and threw my soft little body over his shoulder and started running towards the door. DAMMIT! If they're not trying to rape me they're trying to EAT ME!

The next thing I knew I was hog-tied to spit above a flaming pit of fire being turned by Alec with one hand. All around me were the rest of the Death Note and Twlight cast, most of which were dancing around the pit of fire, making savage sounds like you see on old movies involving 'naitve savages'. The rest were just sort of standing there, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with their friends. Unfortunatley The SOS Brigade didn't seem to be anywhere near (I'm in a badmood today, just one word and I'll send the elopers to screw each other on your doorstep. Seriously, I'll pay their bail just to torment you) so I once again couldn't rely on Kyon to help me out, a fat load of good he's done! I get another sane man to share the insanity of my life and he's missing half the time and comatose the rest!

Suddenly the rest of Volturi showed up next to Alec (who was still turning me slowly over the fire. I thought Vampires drank blood? Why would he need to cook me first?). They were carrying another spit with Bella gagged on it. I briefly wondered why I wasn't gagged, then I realised they probably wanted to hear me scream. Bella, however, might call upon some never-before-seen race of mystical beings to save her despite her apparent uselessness."Hmm, yes he'll do nicely," said Jane as she set up Bella next to me and began turning her. "Just remember to roast him slowly, and don't forget to stuff the orifices with the red chilli sauce this time."

WHAT! STUFF MY _WHAT _WITH RED CHILLY SAUCE!? Alec jerked his thumb behind him towards the crowd. "Are you sure? Some guy's have already called dibs on them and they might not like Chilli sauce."

WHAT!? THAT WAS IT! I DRAW THE LINE AT HAVING MY PRIVATES EATEN WITH CHILLY SAUCE! I'M DONE BEING FATE'S B*&^%! I had endured unspeakable horrors and worse and survived it all, but now it was time to teach Fate why you **DON'T SCREW WITH L THE THIRD!** I glanced at the crowd and spotted Edward, I grinned as a plan came to mind.

"Hey Edward!" I called as I was turned over the fire. "You want to save Bella, right?"

"YES!" Screamed Edward, looking like he about to cry. No wonder Bella was never afraid of this loser, Edward's just an angsty teenager with a blood fetish when you get down to it. "JUST TELL ME HOW AND I'LL DO IT!"

I grinned internally as he fell into my trap hook, line and sinker. "Can you link up all the Volturi's mind's to mine?" I would like to just point out that said group of age's old vampire's were too busy salivating over Bella to even realise what was going on. Then again maybe they were just too one-dimensional to do two things at once like listen to their lunch plan escape while drooling over a Mary-Sue.

"Yes, I'll do it right away!" And with that Edward began looking at me with a look of intense concentration. Ahh, Edward you idiot, **time for sweet vengeance!**I began en-visualising every single moment of gay orgies that I had seen since this hell had began at once. Yep, _everything_. A sudden silence came over the front yard, the Volturi were frozen with stunned expressions on. Edward looked like he had seen a ghost and the rest of the people who had been dancing around like mad Indians just sort of stared and started asking why the Voilturi had stopped trying to roast me and Bella into tasty Vampire-munchies. Suddenly I heard a high-pitched squeaking coming from the the Volturi as I looked at them the squeaking began growing, suddenly Jane keeled over and started whispering incomprehensible things. Moment's later the rest of the Volturi fell over and started crying.

Yes! My plan is working, all I have to do is take out the various method's Fate can use to mess with me and I'll be fine. Even Fate has to give up sometime right? But before that... I glanced over to Edward and saw him dancing... and singing 'I'm a Barbie girl' in a high pitched voice, I didn't see that one coming. Apparently my mind-rape has driven the poor Gary-Stu to ranks of the Bisexuals, still I'll bet you anything the Fangirl's are just going to love him even more now.

I suddenly spotted Haruhi and the rest of the SOS Brigade on the edge of the crowd, Kyon seemed to be fine now in case anyone's interested. Well he was still a bit pale but he would live. Great you chose _now_ to show up as opposed to when I actually needed you to save me... I won't forget this.

Suddenly I noticed that Haruhi was drinking something, I also noticed L and Light doing some sort of victory dance to the side. It didn't take too long for me to figure out why. So that's why Kyon was so pale, in case you're too thick to work this out the only reason L and Light would have a reason to be rejoicing would be if they had somehow managed to slip Haruhi some kind of Aphrodisiac.

Actually, weren't they supposed to be in jail until their trail? I'll bet you anything that this is Fate's doing, he's trying to prove to me that he's invincible by beginning the most horrific thing the world has ever seen:

An eternity of all the most 'interesting' ways to screw people Haruhi can come up with. In case there are people reading this who haven't seen Haruhi Suzumiya or read the light-novel series let me explain her personality: Haruhi Suzumiya is a hyperactive Genki Girl, yes I know that it's a double term but it's _warranted_for Haruhi Suzumiya. Think about that for a moment.

*****

Still with me? Good, now one other thing for those people who haven't ever seen anything to do with stated Genki girl. Haruhi Suzumiya is also an all powerful reality-warper.

Yes, I'm sure you see why feeding her an aphrodesiac is **BAD** idea. You have to admit that Fate has a pretty inventive mind, one that needs therapy even more than Light's. Once again, think about that for a moment.

Well now that you're all sufficiently traumatised, let's get one with the story shall we? Haruhi finished her dirnk and tossed te glass over her shoulder where it smashed on the road to later pierce the tires of countless car's. "Hmm, I feel... funny."

Now, I feel that I should be praised for my actions just then. If it were not for me you would currently be reading this while having sex with at least six other people at the same time, just remember that while you laugh at my pain. I looked over to Commander Rester, "Rester!"

He looked over to me. "Yes Sir?"

"Enact Operation: H-Target!" I said as quickly as I could. Rester hesitated for a second. "Do it! It's our only hope!"

Rester nodded solemnly. "I understand Sir." He called out to the rest of the SPK. "Operation: H-Target!" And with that the SPK began rounding up all of the people and booting them into the house, then a few seconds later (Rester keeps them in good shape to attend my every whim) the only people who were left outside were: myself, The SPK (including Rester) and Kyon and Haruhi (the rest of the SOS Brigade had also been evacuated). In case you're wondering L and Light have been thrown into Matsuda's car unitl the police come to pick them up seeing as what they would do with handcuffs. On the hand hand there is only so much you casn with a car and nobody really cares about it besides Matsuda anyway and nobody gives a damn about him anyway. Except when he shot Light of course. _That_ was good entertainment!

"Umm.. Near, what's going on?" Kyon asked as Haruhi grabbed him the tie with a disturbed grin on her face.

"KYON!" Barked Haruhi. "I WANNA TRY OUT A NEW BRIGADE ACTIVITY!" Ouch, I think my eardrums are bleeding...

"Operation: H-Target." I replied ( in case anyone was wondering I was being held by one of the SPK member now, no more roasting like a marsh-mellow for me!).

'And that is..." said Kyon as he leaned away from Haruhi.

"Kyon quit trying to back away!"

"Well, I always knew Fate would come back to screw with me at some point so I made a number of plans to combat him when he did." I explained. "As it happens I knew that Haruhi being slipped some kind of Aphrodisiac was inevitable as it was the worst possible thing that could happen to me. I, however, worked out a plan on how to prevent the end of the world in any real sense."

Kyon sighed in relief as he began pushing Haruhi way with one hand. "Great! When does Operation: H-Target start then? I'd kind of like to avoid being molested by Haruhi..."

"Bad boy! I'M THE ONE WHO PUSHES YOU AROUND! I'm going PUNISH you for that!" As if the fan-artists didn't have enough fetsih-fuel.

I grinned my best evil grin. "Oh but you see, Operation: H-Target has already begun..." Kyon frowned in confusion. "It's quite simple really: Haruhi's one goal in life at this time is to mercilessly rape whoever and whatever is nearby, by proxy affecting the rest of the wrorld as she moves on from partner to partner for different fantasies." Kyon turned white as Haruhi suddenly grabbed his arm and twisted it around his back. "However if there is only one target nearby and she has the chance to fulfill any fantasies she might have with that target the rest of the world should not enter her mind until after she is 'satisfied'..."

Kyon's eyes widened as he worked it out. "Y-you don't mean-"

"Yes Kyon," I cut him off. "YOU are the target. Sorry to tell you this there was nobody else I could think of that Haruhi would be satisfied with, besides it's not that bad is it? I mean you are having sex with an extremely attractive girl right?"

"WHAT THE- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT KIND OF THING'S SHE THINKS U- ARGHHH!" Kyon suddenly screamed as the intoxicated Haruhi bit his ear hard enough to draw blood. "I'M GONNA DIE- AND THAT'S IF I'M _LUCKY_!" Haruhi said something but it was too muffled by Kyon's ear for me to make out.

"Hmm, that's true." I mused. "Unfortunately I just really don't care, Rester, bring out the tools."

"T-tools?" That was Kyon who seemed to have been immobilised due to the fact that his ear probably part company from the rest of his body if he tried to escape.

"Yes, tools. "I said As the SPK started bringing out large metal boxes. "Some of them were stolen out of the eloper's stash, the rest are actual tools taken bough from garage sales, you never know what Haruhi will decide to try out next after all..." Look, Kyon may have been a fellow sane man but this is the first time he has ever been useful. Judge me if you like but remember I can still dump Light and L on your doorstep if I decide you're too loud.

"NEAR YOU A*&^%$#!" He screamed as Haruhi caught sight of the boxes, which the SPK promptly dropped and ran off before they were dragged into Kyon personal hell. I'm afraid I can't give you anymore details on Kyon's fate at the moment due to the fact that the SPK agent who was carrying me decided to run for it as well, dragging me behind like old luggage. Normally I would be mad but that agent happened to get me out of there in record time.

Rigfht now I'm in my room, Kyon's still screaming if you're interested but he lost any kind of real speech after the first few minutes. I have decided that I have had enough of Fate screwing with my life, MRegent.2's threat still stands but that doesn't mean I can't fight the system. From this point onward it's Near verses Fate!

**August 3**

**Declaring war on Fate**

**The Yagami household**

**Nate Rivers**


	17. Lesson 16: Untold attempts

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, the Melancholy or Haruhi Suzumiya, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations. I also don't own Ebay.

Greetings again my avid readers, I suppose you are all wonderiing what has happened to me today.

Well I'm pleased to say that everything is going fine as of today, in fact things have been so fine that when MRegent.2 called for my latest entry I was able to tell him to get lost because I didn't;t have anything to report. When he protested I told him to stick it.

Note to self: telling the Author (effectively GOD in this fic) to stick it is just asking for pain. In this case MRegent.2 seemed to be in a good mood so instead of using his twisted and frankly terrifying imagination he simply told me to write down the various ways I have attempted to commit suicide during this fic. The fact he made me relive them while doing so is just his way of making sure I stay in line.

Okay so here we go: today's entry will be catalouging the various ways I have attempted to commit suicide while in this fic but did't bother writing down because other stuff was more important than my attmepts at self-deletion:

**Attempt One:**

This was at the very beginning of this stupid fic, I attempted the simple method of poison to get out of my predicament on the way to the Yagami household. Unfortunately the poison in SPK had 'somehow' been mistaken as Giovanni's high-strength laxative.

Suffice it to say it wasn't pretty and never tried poison again.

**Attempt Two:**

This was during the 'Light and the Sweet Transvestities' concert, I was on the verge of tears and realised that the entire crowd was basically a mass of Yoai fangirls, so I concocted a brilliant scheme to get myself torn from limb form limb ina a matter of seconds.

"LIGHT IS STRAIGHT!" I screamed at the top of my voice, causing the entire concert to stop for a moment. This was because, as any sane person knows, the idea of Light actually being attracted to women is the height of blasphemy to any true fangirl who has even heard of Death Note. Thus instant death for anyone stupid, or in my case desperate, enough to say so.

Or so I thought.

"Hey it's NEAR!" Screamed one of the fangirls.

"NEAR!?" I think my eardrums bled from being so close to that high pitched voice, seriously the only worse than a girl for high pitched voices is Misa on a sugar, caffeine and Viagra overdose. And that my friends is unleaded nightmare fuel all on it's own.

"ISN'T HE LIKE, MELLO'S SQUISHY UKE!?" Uh oh. I had but a second of time before I was suddenly grabbed by the fangirl crowd and felt my clothes being torn off so they could rape with various story short, Rester chose this moment to appear and he manged to save me with several rounds of tranquiliser.

Commendations to Commander Rester, wading into a crowd of rabid Yoai fangirls in full rape mode armed with only a automatic traquiliser gun took guts of steel. I honsetly beleive that was Rester's finest hour.

Now if only he hadn't used up all of his tranquiliser darts we might be able to escape this damned fic already.

**Attempt Three:**

This is more of an aborted-attempt but I feel it has a place here. It came shortly after the Twilight Fanigrls burst into the school cafeteria. I manged to escape them for time by pretending to be a pillow. Don't ask how they missed me, all I can say that a fangirl's mind is just that warped.

My apologies for any nightmares that sentance might induce.

Now, while I was hiding as a pillow in a furniture store I asked myself, why didn't let those fangirls murder me so I could escape into oblivion and in turn away from this insanity? I then heard this line from one of the Fangirl-generals: "FIND NEAR! HE MUST PAY FOR DEFYING THE GLORY THAT IS TWILIGHT!"

"BUT GREAT LEADER!" Screamed another high pitched voice. "WHAT COULD WE DO TO HIM THAT COULD POSSIBLY EQUAL THE SHEER DEPRAVITY OF SHOWING EDWARD- MYERS BLESS HIS NAME- IN A LESS-THAN-PERFECT LIGHT!?" Could you please stop screaming already, I feel my eardrums bleeding again.

"WE SHALL CAPTURE HIM AND FORCE HIM TO READ TWILIGHT UNTIL HIS BRAIN HAS MELTED! THEN WE SHALL FORCE HIM TO READ M-RATED SELF-INSERT FIC'S WITH EDWARDS IN THEM UNTIL IS A RABID FANBOY! THEN WE SHALL USE OUR GENUINE VAMPIRE FANGS (made in China) FROM EBAY TO REND HIM LIMB FROM LIMB AND SELL HIS ORGANS FOR MORE EDWARD MEMORABILIA!" A sudden thunderous cheer and I went back to pretending to be a pillow.

Let no one ever state that Fangirl's are any less fearsome than the hordes of hell. I stayed as a pillow for while, in fact I was contemplating staying there permanently to avoid the Fangirls when a pair buttocks belonging to a two-hundred pound woman rudely squashed my face.

Anyhow, that was my last attempt as of yet. Not that it's likely I'll attempt another any time soon due to the fact that MRegent.2 has promised to bring me back as a gay stripper if I do. Anyways, apart from having to relive the above as I was writing them I'm having a relatively peaceful day as of late. Of course I'm just waiting for Fate's next move, I'm not quite stupid enough to think he's going to leave me alone without a fight.

**August 12**

**Thinking about ways to beat Fate.**

**The Yagami Household**

**Nate Rivers**


	18. Lesson 17: The Law and you

I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

The battle has begun. Fate has shown his hand and I must better him lest I be swallowed by the whordes of the fandom to be forever trapped in the hideous monstrosity known as 'Yoai fics' involving Mello, Matt and/or any other random person who I have either barely know/hate/never actually met but the fangirl's would just _love _to see molesting a poor little boy in white pajamas.

Or learn how to run faster, whatever works.

Anyway, you came here to find out what's gone wrong **now**.

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but my day was absolutely wonderful, there was nobody raping anybody else. The teacher was nice and I sat in my room when I got back to the Yagami household and played with my toys until the time of writing.

**The. End.**

Yeah right! As if _that_ would ever happen. Now, as all of those of you who managed to work out that the above paragraph was in fact wishful thinking I commend you for having an I.Q. higher than a chickens', as for those who weren't I don't really have anything to say as you won't be reading this anyway, considering that chickens can't read.

Now, I started my day relatively normally. However, things went pair-shaped around breakfast time.

Personally I was surprised. Fate usually waited until I actually went to school before showing me _exactly _just how much the universe hates me despite the fact that I managed to kill Kira and control Mello for good portion of the series despite not knowing where he was or if he was even alive.

I mean come on! I killed the guy who killed L! (Which before this fic started was cause for celebration. Now I wonder why I didn't kill him myself) the only way Mello even managed to beat Kira was by **dying** in the process, and even then I was the one who actually pulled it off!

Anyways, getting back on topic, I was at the breakfast table, discussing anti-insanity plans with Commander Rester when Matsuda suddenly burst through the front door.

"Hey everybody!" He yelled, "I just heard, they're putting Light, L, Mello, Matt and BB on trial today at ten and we have to the witnesses for the defence!" Instantly the table erupted in a mass of chaos. Well I remained seated along with Commander Rester but everybody else either began getting ready (the remaining Yagami family and the combined forces of the SPK, Taskforce and everybody else who still had same remainder of sanity left) or trying to do various things with absolutely no connection to Matsuda's statement such as (but not restricted to): bending spoons with their minds (Haruhi), singing to 'I'm a Barbie girl' (Edward) or just giving me disturbing looks (Sayu).

Seriously, Sayu's expression was enough to make me wonder if Light was the sane sibling. **That's** how disturbing it was!

Well, I'm sure you don't want all the details of how we got there, or indeed how we managed to fit the entire remaining cast of Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and The Twilight Quartet all together in the Yagami family car to get to said trial. (Actually I have no doubt that you want to know the details for the sheer mental trauma it would cause me to recount them, however the only thing I'm going to say it that involved a hell of a lot of butter, don't ask how or where).

Long story short we got there, and once I finished crying due to the trauma of what shall forever be known as the butter incident and managed to change into a spare pair of pyjamas, we went inside the courthouse where the elopers trial was about to begin (note: we arrived at the courthouse at around eight o'clock and we only were able to get inside at ten, _that's_how long it took for me to get over the trauma of the butter incident. Now remember all the sheer and perverse amount of nightmare fuel the universe has thrown at me during this fic that I managed to deal with, and the fact that the Butter incident was bad enough to reduce me to tears. _That's_ how bad it was!).

Once we got inside we were seated and the trail began, the elopers were lead into the court chained together at the angles. Evidently they were still afraid of what they would to if they handcuffed them, for good reason I might add.

The accusing lawer (the guy's who was trying ot convict them) got up and read the charges. "L Lawliet, Light Yagami, Miheal Keehl, Mail Jeevas and Beyond Birthday you ar hereby accused of...." He did actually list the charges, it's just that there were so many it would take up over a page's worth of text to list them all so I just cut the chase. "How do you plead?"

The eloers lawer stood. "Not guilty your honour!" Hey! This isn't how Japanese courts work, the only reason if it's going like this would be if Fate had decided to screw with me and was just playing around with things to make them go get to the insanity faster! Time to get my soft little body outta here!

"And just where do you think you're going?" I looked up to se a large policeman standing by my shoulder as I was about to get up.

"I need to go to the toliet," I lied.

He grunted. "Sorry, no-body's allowed out of the courtroom until the judge has made his decision, if you really need to go then I have a bottle you can use." What!? You expect me to go right int the middle of the courtroom, in full view of everybody in the room!

"Why not, it's not like it can be any worse than the sound that lot have been making in lockup," he jerked his thumb at the elopers.

Well there goes my plan of escape, oh well, let's just hope the various plans I've made with the SPK can take care of any insanity Fate throws at me. I turned back to the trial.

The Judge had apparently decided to begin sentencing, hey aren't they supposed to call up the witnesses first!? If they're not calling up witnesses then why the hell did they call us for!?

"Light Yagami, for multiple accounts of rape, mass homicide, stripping in public, exciting fangirls to cause damage to public property and many other charges I cannot list in one sentence you are hereby sentenced to the following. For the next twelve hours you will be given to Miss Misa Amane to with as she wishes." Oh now THAT'S what I call cruel! Never mind what I said before I'm staying to see justice served!

"W-what!" Cried Light. "B-but that's INHUMAN!" Yes, yes it is, now cry some more why don't you. Your pain is both pleasurable and satisfying.

The judge cleared his throat. "I did not complete my Sentencing Mr Yagami. Now, furthermore the court has decided that you do not deserve leniency and has decided to add to your punishment the following: during the twelve hours Miss Amane has control over you Miss Kyomi Takada will also be allowed to with you what she wishes, however she shall be restricted to your back unless given explicit permission by Miss Amane." Now that was cruel on so many different levels, I can't wait to see what he's going to do with the rest the elopers! Oh, and Light's fainted, just in case any of you care.

Next up was L. The judge took one look at him and a nasty look came over his face, apparently L has this tendency to ignore the law while solving his cases. Normally I would pity L but considering what he's put me through during the last few months I'm hoping for some real mind-bending-horror for his punishment, just to make sure he's sorry.

"L Lawliet, on the same charges as Mr Light Yagami, you are hereby sentenced to sixteen hours of..." The Judge drew it out, the look on his face making L shake like a leaf. As ity turned out, L was right to be scared.

"I hereby sentence you to spend sixteen hours at a local anime convention. Once you are inside the doors shall locked and you will trapped with various fangirls and fanboys inside with no hope of escape. Next!" Oh, now that really is mind-bending horror, especially once you realise that most of the fans will be in cos-play. Oh, and L's now joined Light on the floor. Honestly you would think they would be able to last a few seconds without fainting, so much for the so called 'god' and my former mentor

BB was next. "Beyond Birthday, once again on the same charges as Mr Yagami, you are hereby sentenced to rehab until you have gotten over both your Jam-addiction and your various fetishes." Hmm, not as inventive as I would have liked but better than nothing!

However my happiness as not to last as suddenly BB broke his handcuffs weith his bare hands. "NEVER!" He screamed. "I WILL NEVER ABANDON JAM!" And with that he jumped over the various police officers and ran off laughing into inot the street.

The Judge sighed. "Never-mind, lets move onto Keehl and Jeevas." Hey, just a quick question here, how come all the people in this seem to know our real names? Maybe they read Wikipedia, or worse Tv tropes... oh god the ideas they could get from THAT one...

However, Mello and Matt's judging would have to wait because at that moment the most horrific thing I have ever seen occurred, perhaps even worse than the butter incident. For it was at that moment, my dear, twisted, sociopathical readers, that Matt deiced to give birth.

Yes, I watched on in transfixed horror as a Zombie boy gave birth, not that I didn't try to turn away but something was keeping my eyes on that spot. To be more clear the rather burly guard was holding my body and head in place by holding the back my neck to stop me from going to the toilet, and my eye4s were open due to the fact that they're always open unless I take sleeping pills, it's just what happens if you spend enough time acting like L...

Anyways, details that would render this fic M-rated aside, Matt eventually gave birth to the freak of nature that is now known as Mattello Skyskater Keehl. The Judge, now crying for his mommy, dismissed Mello and Matt's charges on basis of insanity (on his part, don't ask how that works). We're back home now, Light and L are still at their respective hells somewhere in the city and Matt and Mello have reconciled for the sake of their son, who somehow managed to be born despite his 'mother' being both male and **dead**.

Oh, how am I you ask? Well I am somewhat sourly marking out the current score, what score question? Well the score between me and Fate of course, the one that's going to be at the bottom of every entry from now on. Anyways, I don't have anything else to say so this is Near, signing off.

**The Score:**

**Near: 1 Fate:1**

**August 16**

**Trying to ignore Matt and Mello**

**The Yagami household**

**Nate Rivers**


	19. Lesson 18: Matrimony and you

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: Sorry people but in the manner of Skyskater herself my computer has recently become infected with a virus and crashed, I had to write this from a school computer and that's why updates have been so slow lately.**

Well here I am, writing in this stupid diary once more for sadistic people out there who so love to watch a little boy be out through life-scarring trauma through various methods including gay men in teletubby suits with bondage fetishes.

I suppose you want to know what happened today, well if you've been reading Matt's guide to love dating and marriage on Skyskater's account you'll have heard of the time Halle tried to marry me, as it happens this incident actually happened today.

Apparently Matt's posting his advice column from the future because he posted the chapter with the attempted marriage before it happened. Maybe he hijacked a time machine or something.

Just for the record I really do hate Skyskater, she's the one who started whole 'guide to high school' phenomenon. As a result I have had to go through what could possibly be more trauma than Toshiro went through during his first guide in less than a quarter of the chapters. Note the 'possibly', I mean Toshiro went through a lot but it was only during the last quarter of the guide that it approached the amount of insanity I plunged into the moment I got here, I mean he got to avoid seeing men rape each other for at least ten chapters while I was exposed to frying bodily fluids the first few paragraphs, is that fair!?

Anyways today started just as I was eating some nice fruit toast with honey, which was nice, and trying to ignore Misa and Takada whinging because Light was now in hospital and they couldn't see him (you would think finally realising their dream of raping their idol, I make an exception on the 'women can't rape men' thing because they were armed with 'things', would make them happy) which was not so nice.

Suddenly the door burst open to reveal Halle in a wedding dress, I immediately began contemplating suicide. Not because I knew was going to happen mind you but because I now knew that my precious SPK members who are my only allies in the fight against the sadistic entity that is Fate were being infected by the insanity that plagues this fic, that and I thought she was going to try and steal Mello from Matt in the manner of a twisted romance.

Well, it's the kind of thing you expect in this kind of fic. Actually I would have been much happier if that is what had happened because at least I wouldn't have become involved until Matt barged into the SPK headquarters located in my little cupboard with its American reinforced steel door to rescue his one true love from Halle's evil clutches. And, dear reader's, you and I both know that is entirely possible and actually quite likely in this fic.

Sadly however that was not what was going to happen as Halle marched over to me, stomping on Misa and Takada in the process (I could practically hear the cheers of thousands at that point).

".. Lidner what exactly are you doing?" I asked through my fruit toast, which once again was very nice.

"Getting married!" She yelled and lifted me from my chair.

"… Why exactly are carrying me then?" I asked in my slow monotone, even though I had already worked out what was going in because of my super-advanced brain and because I'm just that genre-savvy. And awesome.

"Becase I'm marrying you! You need mothering because you obviously wasn't mothered enough as a child, that and I like little boys." She said in a ridiculously happy voice while carrying me out of the house under her arm life an oversized plushie. I was going to say something witty in response to that but unfortunately I couldn't in account of the fact that if I did there was a strong chance that the extremely strong FBI agent was carrying me would drop me and stomp me into paste if I dared to mock her.

Several hours later I was at the local church with Halle at the altar in my usual pyjamas on account of the fact that they didn't have any child-sized suits, actually I think there were some but Halle made sure that I couldn't get any. Maybe she has a floppy pyjama's fetish?

Sitting behind us the in the stands was everybody in the Death Note, Melancholy of Haruhi Suzmiya and Twilight casts who weren't otherwise on the run (BB) or in hospital (Light, L and Kyon after his 'accident' with Haruhi).

"Do you?" Began the priest who apparently saw nothing wrong with an adult woman marrying a boy who looked about twelve, and I know for a fact he didn't know my true age. "Halle Lidner take Nate Rivers to be your lawfully wedded husband?" You know I think a lot more is supposed to be said before we get to the vows, and there more to them then just that line! Then again this is undoubtedly because of Fate and he probably couldn't be bothered doing the research.

"HELLS YEAH!" And my respect for Halle just went down the drain, controlled by Fate or not I would expect one my higher SPK officers to act with a little more decorum at their won wedding, and especially at _my_ wedding.

"Very well." Said the priest, looking like he had a headache. Welcome to my world, be glad you don't have to live in it. He turned to me, "and do you, Nate Rivers, take Halle Lidner to be your lawfully wedded wife".

Everybody in the room looked at me expectantly. I looked at Halle's insane grin that told me I would be dismembered if I so much as uttered a protest, I then looked the priest in the eye and said, "Code-HL9247".

The preist blinked and opened his mouth to say something when suddenly a dart appeared in his chest. He stared at it for a moment before he passed out due to the high-strength tranquiliser the dart contained. A moment later another thump drew my attention to the sight of Halle's sleeping form with a large dart planted in her backside, this one containing a special soltuion that would erase her memory of the past twenty-four hours and cause her to wake up completely normal as she was before this incident. Commander rester and Giovanni could be seen in the stands putting away their respective dart guns

Now, for those of you who are wondering what's going on I will now enlighten your tiny minds as to the truth: I had prepared with Rester and Giovanni several contingencies to deal with just about anything Fate and throw at me, including somebody attempting to marry me. As it was I had very right to be parinoid and because of my planning the score now stands at Near: 2 Fate: 1! Right now I'm in my bead again, oh and I've installed locks on my door in case anyone's interested, writing in this diary.

However, there is mroe more thing that happened today that you horrible people might be inetersted in. While I was in the shower Matt broke the locks on the bathroom door,amubsuhed me and stuck a needle in my arm! I spend the next few seconds mentally boding my virginty farewell, however I was then overocome with the urge to tell the turth and relaised that Matt had not in fact tranquilsed me to rape me but had instead injected my soft little body with truth serum. He proceeded to interrorgate me baout the whole incident with Halle in the bathroom while the shower was still going.

Not mind-bending but still humiliating, however still not enough to give Fate a point as according to Matt's own account he seems to have done it of his own free will. Well I've run out of things to write so I'm signing off for now

**10th of September**

**The Yagami Household**

**Going to sleep**

**Nate Rivers**


	20. Lesson 19: Jam in Practice

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Code: Geass, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: For some reason my account's on the fritz and this chapter had to be reloaded, sorry if you were hhoping for a new one, I type the next one up ASAP. **

YOU BASTARDS! You just _had_ to bait him, didn't you! Why couldn't you just leave it ALONE!?

Well I suppose you're all wondering why I'm screaming at _you_ people for once instead at Fate, well I'll tell you. One of _you_ people decided to review this story, which is bad in any case because it inspires Fate to try and squash me with more and more insanity in each chapter (quite a feat), and do you know what this reviewer put in their review?

'Near naked in a shower being interrogated by Matt And no gay sex after that? Seriously? Fate, I think you are loosing the charm...'.

_Fate I think you are losing the charm._

WHY THE HELL DID YOU WRITE THAT!? DO YOU _WANT_ ME TO DIE!? Here's a little fact of life: when ever Fate gets bored he plays with me because I am apparently the official bitch of the gods. In addition Fate also apparently takes great pride in his torture and whenever somebody criticizes his work feels compelled to prove them wrong. I'm sure you know where this is going...

Long story sort, Fate took the gloves off.

Due to that single comment Fate has unleashed what is possibly the single most mind-bendingly, sanity-destroying, gut-wrenchingly disturbing torrent of insanity that he has ever seen fit to put me through, and he's not done yet I guarantee you that.

I hold _you_ people accountable.

It all began this morning. I was eating breakfast in my rooom due to the fact that I now consider the breakfast table an insanity magnet and eating there would be asking for it on a divine scale, only exceded in sheer stupidity by the act of telling Fate that _he's losing the charm_. Of course, my room, despite having several industrial strength locks on the door and several traps involving explosive substance (Ebay, your one-stop site for all your homicidial needs!), is no match for Fate and his band of friends (including gay men in teletubby suits and a hyper-sexual goddess). I was sitting there, minding my own business like good little boy who wasn't traumatised due a sadistic deity screwing with his life very ten seconds when suddenly something slammed into my door with the force a raging rhino. From the imprint that 'something' left on my door I quickly deduced that it was either the gay Jam-cult leader known as BB or the person formerly known as the world's greatest detective, who is now also gay. Due to the fact that L was still recovering from his... 'incident' with the fangirls and fanboys it had to be BB, mind you at this point the only real difference between them at this point is that one worships Jam so it didn't really matter.

I, of course, being the highly intelligent individual that I was, knew that if BB was trying to come into my room then insanity would soon follow, so I quickly navigated the various mines and other lethal devices hidden in my toys (just TRY to steal my finger-puppts, I _dare_ you) and crawled under my bed. I then entered a secret code into a keypad hidden in the bottom of my mattress (also containing fingerprint scanners in the buttons so that nobody else can use it, you never can be too careful), causing several wooden floorbourdes to slide away to reveal a small metal tube heading downwards, just large enough for me to crawl through. As soon as I had slid inside the floorbordes slid back in place and the keypad was reset.

A moment later I head BB smash through my door. There were a series of explosions and BB started screaming in agony, tough bickies, he's been burnt to crisp before and I think I can safely say that he wants to molest me. As I slid down the screams got weaker, then I heard BB scuffling around the entrance to my little tunnel. Now, imagine, you are a little boy with a soft little body in a tunnel that won't let you turn around, and you heard a scraggly man who you know wants to rape you pocking around the entrance. Feel that intense urge to curl up inot a little ball and cry? Welcome to my life, in which attempted rape occurs every hour on the hour! Fortunately I had also prepared for this eventuallity.

"Ah-ha!" I heard BB say, "my years of hiding under beds tell me that this panel is in fact the keypad to a secret tunnel in which my toy has escaped!" I waited with bated breath, three.. two... one! I heard BB pressing random buttons on the keypad, a second later my specially-prepared trap activated.

"OW! Hey, where did these handucffs come from and why has the keypad been replaced by a steel panel? Hey, there's more coming down around the bed!" The first part of my special BB trap was to turn the bottom of my bed into a little steel tank. The sides of my bed would be sealed off by steal panels with airtight joins, the floor and the specially made matress was also airtight in case anyone's wondering, the handcuffs were to stop him from escaping while they were coming down. The next stage of my trap depended on who the keypad read, in this case it was BB so..

There was a sudden hum as an electric pump began. "W-what's this stuff being pumped in here, it feels kind of oily... wait I recognise that taste! PEANUT BUTTER! ARGHH-BLUBBLUBBLUB!" And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the sound of BB being drowned in peanut butter, pumped from a special store from the cupboard I hid in a so many chapters ago... inspired, do you not agree? And no, there is no failsafe to stop BB from drowning. My enemies _are_ good enough for death and even though they probably will coming back I can usually depend on them staying dead for a while. (when Fate's busy anyway)

Near:3 Fate:1!

Anyway, after BB was left in his own personal hell (yes I am quite proud of that) I eventually came to the other end, which opened into the new SPK headquarters, located in that same cupboard I once hid in. However what I saw when I came out of that tube was not the SPK headquarters.

In case any of you are wondering how the hell I managed to set up headquarters for an organisation conatining over forty people in a cupboard, we just.... dug out more space! Now, back to the story. I had just come out of my special tube to look up at the SPK headquarters, however what I saw was not the SPK headquarters.

The walls around me were covereed with some dried sticky red substance. In place of the many computers there were now giant jars of Jam, and worst of all were what had once been my slav- I mean my subordinates. All around me they danced to some horrible Mary-Sue song (I think the lyric's were something along the lines of _it's the best of both worlds_) and wore jam-soaked togas with drinking various flavours of jam from wine-glasses.

I think I've died and gone to hell (well I thought that before but _this_? I mean, how am I supposed to fight Fate without my able minions to do things for me?). Okay I admit it, Fate I must grant you victory in this battle, but you haven't won the war- I will never surrender!. Near:3 Fate:2

*****

Alright, things have taken a turn for the worse since I last wrote in this entry, for starters: I am now a SHEEP! How did I become a sheep you ask well... it all began a few hours after my last entry.

I had been stuck in the former SPK headquarters due to the fact that my former minions had tied me up as a heretic and keept trying to sacrifice me to Jam using knives made of Jam. I have officially lost all hope for them now. Eventually however BB appeared, he suddenly came sliding out of my tube (no smart remarks or I will find you and... oh what's the point, go ahead, mock me till your heart's content) and jumped onto a handy podium made of jam and the results of the many Jam-related events invloving bodily excretions. I refuse to elaborate.

"MY FOLLOWERS!" The SPK turned to him.

'YES O' GREAT ONE!" They cried.

"THE WHITE ONE HAS FALLEN!" He pointed to me with a clean finger. May I point out that he was somehow alive again despite the fact that I had managed to drown him a few paragraphs ago? Very tacky, Fate, I mean, at least wait until the next chapter before changing things back to fit the status quo! "HE TRIED TO STRIKE ME DOWN WITH HIS FOUL PEANUT-BUTTER BUT THE JAM-GODDESS RETURNED ME TO THIS WORLD TO SPREAD THE WORD OF JAM!" The SPK cheered again while I quietly began thinking up ways to kill myself. "YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELVES WORTHY IN THE EYES OF THE JAM FORMER MEMEBERS OF THE WHITE-ONE GROUP KNOWN AS THE SPK! FROM THIS POINT ONWARD YOU ARE THE **J**AMTASTIC **A**RMADA OF **M**AGIC OR J.A.M. FOR SHORT!"

WHAT! That B#$%^&* just converted my SPK into some Jam-worshipping army! (Not to mention changing their name to J.A.M.) I refused to take this lying down. So I sat I up, spat out my jam-gag (extra fibre spread!) and spoke.

"What the hell!? JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY SPK!"

He turned to face me on his podiuim of M-rated substances. "FOOLISH MORTAL! THEY ARE NO LONGER THE SPK BUT THE J.A.M.!"

Well I already knew that, and frankly I didn't really expect to be able to have my SPK minions back anyway. "Well... could you clear out? This is still the SPK headquarters and you're making a mess-"

"THIS IS NO LONGER THE SPK HEADQUARTERS! THIS IS THE NEW TEMPLE OF JAM!" He jumped off his poidium and poked me in the chest. "AND YOU ARE DEFILING IT'S HOLYNESS!"

"Hang on! I pay rent to Mr Yagami for this place, I say what goes on in here!"

"Not any more you don't!" Hey, what do you know, he can speak without screaming at the top of his voice after all. Suddenly his left eye began glowing red. _uh-oh, this can't be good_, I thought to myself. I quickly used my super-powerful brain to work out what was going on: _BB's right eye is glowing red while the other is not, that rules out use of the shinigami eyes. Now what other type of magically empowered eyes glow glow red but only in one eye- I've got it! It must be a geass!_ I am brilliant am I not?_ But what does it do?'_

Unofortunately I was to find out the answer to that question sooner than later. BB's eye flashed and suddenly I several feet shorter, yes it was at this point I was turned into a sheep.

Near: 3 Fate: 3

"THIS WHITE ONE HAS BEEN PUNISHED FOR HIS SINS!" Screamed BB, insanity turned over eleven once more. Suddenly the door to the former SPK headquarters burst open, revealing CC from Code: Geass.

BB jumped away from me and bowed to CC. "THE JAM-GODDESS HAS ARRIVED!"

"ALL HAIL THE JAM-GODDESS!" Cried the J.A.M. I bleated in annoyance.

"My loyal followers..." said CC in a dreamlike voice. "Ever since I came to this universe a whole five minutes ago I have always looked on in despair... however I found the Jam and realised that my true calling was not to be a mysterious waif empowering pretty school boys to lead terrorist organisations but to lead the Jam to total control of the universe!" BB and the J.A.M. cheered.

BB stepped foward. "MY GODDESS! I THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME FROM THE THE WHITE ONE'S EVIL SCHEME AND EMPOWERING ME TO TURN PEOPLE INTO SHEEP SO THAT THEY MAY GIVE THIER BODIES TO THE JAM FOR JAM-ON-MUTTON AND 'OTHER' USES!" In case any of you haven't caught on yet, 'other' uses in this fic is always going to _those_ uses.

Needless to say, I bolted my little white body out of there. I eventually managed to escape into my room and (after several minutes of bleating and jumping) managed to activate the secret security code which activated the special lock-down sequence. This meant that within seconds every opening to the outside world was sealed off by steel panels and I was safe from BB and the J.A.M. for the time being.

Oh, and how am I writing this you ask? Well I'm typing it into the computer of course using an oddly-shaped pen to touch the keys. Well, there's nothing else to write about and my mouth is getting sore so this is Near the Sheep, logging off.

**The Score: Near: 3 Fate: 3**

**14th of September**

**The Yagami household**

**Going to sleep**

**Nate Rivers**


	21. Lesson 20: Health Care

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Code: Geass, The Twilight Quartet, Doctor Who, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well my life has reached a new low, for the umpteenth time. Today started badly, mainly because I was still a SHEEP! And therefore I was no longer qualified to sit at the breakfast table, which I find unfair. I mean, at least_ I'm_ still alive, Matt on the other hand is not and he can still use the table for anything he wants, even though he does use it for _everything_ he wants and has bits and pieces falling off him at random.

So I had to eat breakfast outside, which was bad enough considering how much I hate going outside in the first place (do you know how badly I get burned if I don't put on sunblock? EVEN AS A SHEEP!?) but the sheer indignity of it all was compounded by the simple fact that due to me being a sheep Mrs Yagami told me to eat grass for breakfast.

ME eat GRASS!? I AM L THE THIRD! YOU SHALL NOT MOCK ME WITH THIS HUMILIATION! Or at least that's what I tried to say, all that came out were a series of bleats.

I am even robbed of my ability to protest and make snarky comments by this most humiliating experience, unfortunately Fate wasn't done yet, not by a long shot. You see outside the Yagami household there is a kind of tent settlement of Fans who just won't leave, and know for a fact that the majority of them happen to be Yaoi fangirls...

Anyways, there I was, unhappily chewing grass, trying to ignore the jeers of the fandom who seem to hate me despite the fact that I was the one who defeated Kira when the worst possible thing that could have happened happened. BB's geass wore off and thus I changed back into a little boy in white pajamas..

Now, this would be a good thing, I mean who wants to be a sheep besides the odd person with a disturbing Fetishes, but as I pointed out before there were a number of Yaoi fangirls camping just outside the Yagami household. Now lets review my situation shall we: I have just turned into a little boy in white Pajamas, a little boy in white Pjamas who is of legal reproductive age, in front of at least thirty Yaoi fangirls, all with their own Yaoi fantasies.

Near: 3 Fate: 4. DAMMIT HE'S WINNING!

I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks, let's just say that when I finally managed to get back inside the Yagami household and lock the fangirl-proof door I was a very sad little boy and Pajama's were mostly outside. No, they didn't do _that_but they tried to... with various objects including but not restricted to: Sporks, Onion's and a lemon. Turns out that being chased by rabid pre-teens can give you the speed of an Olympian, who knew?

"Oh my!" I turned to see Mrs Yagami crouchingdown next to me. "What on earth did those horrible Fangirlsdo to you? You really must be more careful!" Well YOU'RE the one who left me out there to be mauled/molested/M-rated things that would cause this story to be deleted if I put them in writing. "It's probably best that we get you to the Doctor's just ot be sure that you haven'tcaught rabies."

"That's alright Mrs Yagami", said I. "I'm feeling perfectly alright that now that I'm not in danger of being raped by little girls".

"Well better be safe than sorry." Said Mrs Yagami, grabbing me by the arm and heading for the garage. "I'm not having you turn into a fanboy on me, it's bad enough when they're_ outside_".

And that ladies and gentlemen was ho I ended up going to the Doctor's (at least I got the satisfaction of seeing Mrs Yagami run over several Fangirls who tried to stop us leaving, that's the kind pof pest control I could get used to!). However any doubts about this being another one of Fate's ploys vanished the moment that I was admitted to The Doctor's office for examination.

The office wasn't the problem, and Mrs Yagmi was nearby so no fangirl's would dare to get near (look, it's a bad pun and you should have gotten over it the first dozen times!) me. the problem was that the Doctor was actually _The _Doctor, as in The Doctor from Doctor who.

"Argh!" I spat in annoyance. "Not another crossover! I thought this was supposed to be a Death Note fic!"

"Hmm, what? What?" Asked The Doctor (number ten I think he was). "Oh, yes a patient! Say little boy, do you want a lollipop!?" He said, holding out a giant lollipop twice the size of my head, just where the hell did he pull that out of anyway?

Anyways, after several minute of random conversation and The Doctor repeatedly offing me the lollipop we actually got to the business of diagnosis. The Doctor's methods of diagnosis were... weird, I'm not going into details but I'll say this: I never knew just how many uses there were for a sonic screwdriver. And just why The Doctor in this fic anyway?

"Well..." said The Doctor, having finished his diagnosis, leaning me feeling midly disturbed. "I'm afraid it's worse than I thought". And what exactly did you think it was again? I don't remember you actually putting forward a theory.

"What is it Doctor?" Asked Mrs Yagami in a slightly nervous tone.

The Doctor took off his glasses and put on a serious face. "I'm afraid Near here, oh I rhymed!" Yes, yes you did, do you want a sticker for for it? "Well rhyming aside I'm afraid that Near has a particularly aggressive case of 'Murphy's Law'." Oh wow, like I hadn't figured THAT out.

Mrs Yagami gasped. "And what is that Doctor?"

"Well..." The Doctor scratched the back of his head. "It's when whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and I'm afraid it's even worse than most cases." Mrs Yagami turned pale. "I'm sorry to say that poor Near's case has been compounded by 'Fate's enemity' into advanced 'Lelouch syndrome', meaning that not only will things that can go wrong will go wrong but they will do so in the spectacular, debilitating and possibly humiliating way possible. I'm very sor- oh cake!" And with that The Doctor ran past us to jump a passing trolley lady with several large cakes on her trolley.

Well, long story short I eventually got home an locked myself in my room whileeverybody was told the bad news. Right now I'm just sitting on my bed, feeling a bit sad because they decided to celebrate with a party, nothing like having the closest people in your life celebrate your downfalls to pick up the self-esteem! Oh well... I'll get my revenge, just you wait!

**The Score: Near: 3 Fate: 4**

**15th of September**

**The Yagami Household**

**Plotting Vengance**

**Nate Rivers**


	22. Lesson 21: Male Childbirth 101

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, the Haruhi Suzumiya Series or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: Wow, over One hundred and fifty reviews, this is my most successful story, now if only some of this success would pass on to some of my other stories like like 'The Sugar Famine' or 'Death Note: Revolution' (HINT! HINT!). Seriously though, I really appreciate you all for taking the time to comment on my efforts at writing, now let's see if we can hit two hundred and nine by the end of the year!**

Pain. Humiliation. Prolonged and scarring trauma. These are the things you people love.

You people are SICK!

Why do you so love reading about my pain? Hell, what kind of person gets pleasure from reading about the torture of figments of other people's imaginations in the first place?!?

But you don't care about those questions. You're here to find out what kind of horrific mentally-scarring events that Fate had seen fit to put me through today. Seeing as I have no choice due to that..._evil _threat MRegent.2 has on my head (which I shall never tell you. It's too horrific to write.) let us begin.

Today's daily dose of insanity began as usual, at the breakfast table. I know I said that eating there would be asking for it on a divine level a few chapters back but at this point, what isn't? At least here I can enjoy my food until fate decides to come screw with me for the umpteenth time.

Anyway, I was sitting there at the table, minding my own business, eating fruit toast and ignoring Commander Rester and Lidner wearing on jam-soaked togas while trying to sacrifice Bella to Jam by drowning her in a jam-filled pit in the back yard. All in all, a fairly normal morning by my standards. The first trauma of the day began when Mello came down the stairs. Hey, just off topic here, but how did we manage to fit over sixty people in a small Japanese house designed for four people? Maybe the house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside...

Anyway, Mello came downstairs. While this was a fairly normal event what was not normal was the fact that his stomach now resembled an overblown balloon. That's right, Mello had gone from a lean teenage to a pregnant man on the verge of giving birth overnight.

Now, I don't know about you, but I know by now that when this king of thing happens, Fate is always behind it. Needless to say, I got my soft little body out of there faster than Paris Hilton changed boyfriends. Or at least I tried to. When I started to move I found myself being held in place by Mrs Yagami's hand on my shoulder.

"And just where do you think you're going young man?" Mrs Yagami glared down at me.

"Um...to the bathroom," I declared hopefully.

"Oh no you aren't, you went five minutes ago!" And just how do you know that exactly? Don't tell me you've been spying on me on top of everything else?! "I went to the trouble of making you breakfast so you're going to eat it, and you're gong to enjoy it! _Understand_?" Her glare intensified and I was suddenly filled with fear due to the fact that she was the one who made all my food and if she felt like it she could drug me and hand my soft little body over to her children to play with.

Imagine being completely helpless. Now imagine being completely helpless and having Light being allowed to do _whatever _he wants to you.

I sat down, shut up and ate my toast.

It was a shame that Mello did the same, right next to me. That's right, I was stuck there sitting between a potentially homicidal housewife (hey, she's Light's mother and the crazy couldn't have come from Mr Yagami) and an extremely pregnant man in tight leather.

Lucky me. Of course, Fate couldn't just leave it there, that would be only normal insanity and we can't have that now, can we?

Mello gasped and grabbed his stomach, grimacing in pain.

"Melsy-Welsy, what's wrong?" asked Matt, who's still undead, bouncing Matello on his knee.

"It's the baby!" gasped Mello. "It's coming!"

Suddenly the entire room exploded into action. The SOS Brigade (minus Kyon, who is still in hospital) ran the get cameras. The Twilight people jumped through the windows, but this was probably because they had just noticed the fact that Bella was on the verge of death again instead of the whole man-giving-birth scenario. As for the Death Note cast, everybody besides me and Mello started rushing around. Mrs Yagami and Misa stood by Mello, telling him to take deep breaths and to push down. Matsuda stood there, looking a bit disturbed by the fact that a teenage boy was giving birth at the breakfast table. Everybody else just sort of ran around, occasionally stopped next to my ear to babble incoherently. Everybody except Aizawa. What was Aizawa doing, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

The front door burst open, revealing Aizawa in a nurses' dress. What a nice image to put in my head for the rest of my life.

Anyway, there was Aizawa in a nurses' outfit who marched through our much abused front door.

"I heard there was a pregnant man going into labour!" shouted Aizawa. Almost everybody in the room looked at him for a moment. Then Matsuda opened his mouth.

"HOORAY! IT'S SUPER AFRO NURSE!"

Everybody except me (who happens to be sane) and Mello (who is not but what instead cursing Matt for getting him pregnant, God for letting him get pregnant and me, because I'm apparently a 'big headed twit with no fashion sense.") started cheering for "super Afro nurse!"

Hmm...Fate seems to have either gotten more creative or found Fan-art.

Aizawa was quickly led to Mello, who starting moaning about chocolate and why he keeps his gun in the front of his pants. None of which I can write down due to the rating.

"Hmm..." Aizawa tapped his chin. "It's just as I thought. Mello is in fact... emo." And just WHAT does that have to do with anything?! Everybody else seemed to understand thought because they all suddenly started crying or screaming in horror.

I would have left at this point (hell, I would have left the moment Mella sat next to me if possible) but I was otherwise engaged with having my arm in Mrs Yagami's vice-like grip. Seriously, that woman is stronger than she looks. Maybe it's because of all the cleaning she had to so after the elopers started... doing things to each other on every available surface.

But enough elaborration about the reason I didn't hightail it out of there, let's get back to my personal hell.

Aizawa stood up with a righteous expression on his face. "Yes, emo. There can be no doubt about it."

"Um, that's all well and good, but what about the baby?" That was Takada in case anyone cares.

"Oh, that's easily fixed!" declared Aizawa, who ran off for a few seconds before returning with an arm behind his back. "I'll have him fixed up in no time at all!" It was at this point Aizawa took his arm out from behind his back and revealed the toilet plunger.

I'll let your imaginations fill in the rest. Suffice it to say, it was R-rated.

Near: 3. Fate: 5

*****

The morning was uneventful after that, or maybe it wasn't. I was so traumatised by 'Super Afro Nurse' and his toilet plunger I didn't really take anything in until midday. BY the way, In case anyone cares, Mello has decided to name his new baby daughter Kira. Yes as in 'mass murderer with a god complex who considers eating chips dramatic' Kira.

I'm not asking. I'm afraid to.

We were in 'IT' class (computing, for anyone too dumb to work it out) and our new IT teacher had just walked in.

He sat down at the front and screamed at the top of his voice:

"I'M IN DESPAIR! I'M IN DESPAIR OVER THE FACT I HAVE TO TEACH THIS DIMENSIONALLY CHALLENGED CLASS!"

Great, so now even our teachers have issues now.

Anyway, once our teacher managed to give us instructions for the day (write a report on what depresses us the most. It had absolutely nothing to do with the subject, but ,since it looks like an A+ for me, who's complaining?) we logged on and started typing.

Of course, Fate wasn't done with me yet. After about twenty minutes I was done. One six thousand word report about my depressing life done and dusted! However, I couldn't help but notice that nobody else was typing. Feeling curious I sneaked over to Matsuda (the one least likely to do anything traumatising, in my opinion) and looked over his shoulder.

And thus the image of Misa and Takada raping Light at the same time was forever burned into my brain.

Near: 3. Fate: 6. Yes, I do realise that Fate's score's double mine. There's no point in rubbing it in. And, for the record, I also know that looking over Matsuda's shoulder was a stupid move, but I had seen a pregnant man give birth with the aid of a toilet plunger that morning. I wasn't thinking straight.

Sadly for me my troubles were not yet over as I suddenly found Matt and Mello on either side of me.

"Oh, you poor dear," said Matt (still undead) in a high pitched voice as he spotted the image on Matsuda's screen (Matsuda, apparently, was so absorbed in his viewings that he didn't notice me being scarred for life or anything else, for that matter). "How violated you must feel!"

"That's just _sick_!" said Mello, the _man _who _gave birth _with the help of a _toilet plunger_. Just who's the sick one here? Wait, stupid question. The answer is, EVERYONE BUT ME!

"I-I'll be fine," I said, trembling a bit. "I've seen worse. A _lot _worse."

Matt clicked his tongue. "Oh, I doubt it." Excuse me? Have we forgotten just how many times I've had front row seats to him and several other people raping each other at the same time?

Mello grabbed my right arm. "Come on, we have something that'll make you feel _much _better!" I don't want anything from you! Your idea of making people feel better is raping them until they start raping you right back, and aren't you suppose to consider me your worst enemy?

"Yes, you'll be right as rain as soon as you see what we have in store for you!" said Matt as he grabbed my left arm with a twisted grin Light would have been proud of.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I was dragged kicking and screaming to Matt's computer. And just why didn't the teacher help me? Apparently Misa was trying to cheer him up, and thus the teacher was indisposed due to a hyperactive serial killer armed with hugs and kisses.

What Mello and Matt 'treated' me to was ,as you should expect by now, not...pleasant. I was subjected to approximately ten minutes of hardcore, highly descriptive Matt/Mello fan-fiction. This includes threesomes and more involving Watari, Matsuda and, of course, ME!

Near: 3. Fate: 7. Dam you to hell, fate. Damn you to hell with the rage of a milion dying galaxies at the end of time.

When I stopped crying I found myself completely and utterly alone in my chair. When I looked around I realised this was because Matt and Mello apparently had gotten bored of my traumatised sobs and had started reading R-rated things on a computer on the other side of the room, coincidentally everyone besides me and the teacher was gathered around them, apparently enjoying the twisted fantasies of strangers as one.

In case anyone cares the teacher was too busy writing out a will to join in. As I looked upon their gathering with loathing I was struck with inspiration and turned back to Matt's computer. Two minutes later and I was done. I erased my history, closed my widows and turned around to watch the fun. The group's 'activites' were suddenly interrupted by the computer announcing "you have mail".

"Aww, not now!" Snapped Mello as he closed the email only to have it come right back up again.

"Hey, what's wrong with this thing!?" Asked Mello as he switched the email off again, and again, and again.

"Well it's obvious that it's not going away so maybe you should answer it." Said I, the very picture of innocence, complete with puppy-dog eyes that nobody in their right mind or otherwise (a very good thing considering this crowd) could resist.

"THE WHITE ONE IS RIGHT!" Said BB in his normal voice. "THIS COULD A MESSAGE FROM THE JAM!" Right, always good to have a vote of confidence from the crazed cult leader with multiple boyfriends.

"Mmm, you're so cute!" Said Sayu in a disturbingly sweet voice. I'm seriously beginning to consider taking out a restraining order against that girl, I don't know why but she just scares me for some reason.

"Aww, why not!" Said Matt who promptly grabbed the mouse away from Mello and clicked on the open button. Suddenly the screen was filled with videos of the one thing I knew that they would never be able to use for fetish fuel. Now, Yoai and produce would have only excited them to new depths of depravity, Yuri could have been just as bad, so what did that leave?

A twenty minute lecture on sexual health and safety. By a ninety year old woman with obvious dentures.

I have to admit, the screams were immensely satisfying. Near: 4 Fate: 7

Anyways, there isn't much to write now, everybody who was watching the video apparently found the experience so traumatising that they had to go to the psychologist so I got to go home alone (Hooray! No crazy people!). Unfortunately Fate wasn't quite done just yet: I was the one who had to get the mail due to the fact that Mr Yagmi, Mrs Yagami and all the other people who didn't come to school were out for some reason or the other. And since I a highly intelligent person who knows better than to believe in something like respecting other people's privacy (don't give me that look, do you know how many times they've tried to rape me!?) I promptly went through them, well long story short there was a lot of stuff to deal with, mainly fan-mail that used to be censored by the SPK to stop Light and Co from getting ideas. However there was something in particular that stood out:

Mello's child's (Kira, not Matello) paternity results.

Now, as you might expect, I was smart enough to know by now that if I opened that envelope I would probably want to hit myself later due to the trauma of the person who was the father being the father (it could have been ANYBODY in this fic, hell it could have even been MATSUDA! WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT _MATSUDA _WAS MELLO'S CHILD'S FATHER!?). Alas, Fate always has a way of getting to me even when I back away from the source and head for my nice safe room, which I did in case you were to thick to work that out on your own.

Suddenly a gust of wind came form the window that had been mysteriously left open in the kitchen, picked up the results (which somehow flew out of the sealed envelope as they were being picked up by said mysterious wind) which were somehow blown straight into eyes just were the Paternity and Maternity results were printed. I tried to close my eyes, I really did, but I just couldn't in time to save them from seeing the two names printed on the paper.

**Maternal Mother: Keehl Mihael**

**Paternal Father: Misa Amane**

Excuse me while I go throw up.

**The Score: Near: 4 Fate: 8**

**28th of September**

**The Yagami Household**

**Throwing up**

**Nate Rivers**


	23. Lesson 22: Therapy Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet, the Haruhi Suzumiya Series or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well I twas good while it lasted, the long absence insanity did a lot of good to my poor, battered psyche, but as we know, all good things must come to an end. What's that, what am I talking about? Absence of insanity? Yes, you're reading the right fic, this is the same prolonged torture session we call Near's guide to high school that has featured such things as L liking vegetables and Misa becoming a father, it's just that thanks to the events of the previous chapter (induced by yours truly) the rest of the cast is off in therapy, which is taking extra long due to the fact that most of the main characters have A-grade mental issues and Light keeps sending the therapists crazy with his Kira laugh.

Personally, I really couldn't care less so long as they stay away from me. Heck, the elopers can even make 'the rapists' join in their orgies for all I care. Anyhow, you want to find out what happened to me today, well I don't feel like telling you just yet, instead I have few choice words for _Shiro-chan _and Mello's whore who got less that 30 seconds screen time Matt (Mail Jeevas in case someone who has a Death Note reads this and feels like doing me a favour).

First of all, Shiro-chan seems to bed under the impression that the fact he hasn't yet been turned into a sheep means he's better off then I am. Well guess what you moronic, egotistical, self-righteous, hypocritical side character: **YOU WERE RAPED! YOU GAVE **_**BIRTH**_** DESPITE BEING BOTH **_**MALE**_** AND A **_**CHILD**_**! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF YOU AREN'T EVEN FIGHTING BACK, YOU'RE JUST TAKING IT LIKE THE B*^& YOU ARE! **So yeah, don't think you're any better off then I am. As for Matt he seems to be under the impression that I gave birth to one of Light's children, or at least that's what he wrote into that 'guide to love dating and marrige' of his. Here's a little fact for you people in case you're stupid enough to believe him: Light has no children, I have no children, and furthermore if I even found out that I had by some chance become pregnant with Light's child I would kill myself rather than bear the spawn of Kira. I do believe that Matt has gone quite insane due to being dead and my little trick last chapter, it would explain all those inconsistencies between my guide and his and I _really _don't want it to be written from the future (as I theorised a few chapters ago) because there is no way in hell I'm sticking around if Light so much as _touches_ me.

Oaky, ranting about Matt and Shiro-Baka is now over, now let us begin the ranting about today's daily dose of insanity. Right now you'll be amused to know that I'm currently in a rubber room in a straight jacket tied to the wall, how did I get here? Let's begin at the beginning...

Today started like any other, or rather any other for the past few weeks, my clothes were clean, my toys bright and my food was free of any kind of bodily fluids. IN other words, things were _sane_.

Of course, you don't care about any of that so let us skip ahead to the things you want read about, aka: me slowly being driven insane from prolonged mental torture (often involving pretty men and inanimate objects such as produce and sporks). It was about mid-day when things started to get a little bit strange, I was in maths at the time, telling the teacher off for not writing out Einsteins theory of relativity correctly (oh come on, you don't have to be a genius to know it, even _Matsuda_ managed to get it eventually) when I was called to the psychologists office over the PA system.

Wondering just what was going on and strongly suspecting Fate for the interruption in my day I slowly made my way down to the psychologists office. Half an hour later I arrived (look, I don't get out much, and who needs brawn you have brains?). After being assured in I found myself facing a balding man with a moustache.

"Hello Mr..."

"Near" I said.

"Near?" Asked the psychologist in shock.

"That's what I said wasn't it?" Replied I, honestly if these are the kind of people who are supposed to know how the human mind works...

The man cleared his throat. "Very well then, my name is Mr Mansel. Now Near you have been called to my office due to some concerns I have about your mental health". Nice to know someone cares. "And I would like to ask you a few questions to see how you're doing".

I shrugged. "Alright, begin".

The man eyed me, an took out a notepad and pen. "Alright then, lets begin with how feel about your current life".

"Well.." I began. "Lately things have good, I mean, nobody is trying to molest me or kill me with note books from another dimension or-"

"What!" Asked Mr Mansel in shock. "Killer Note books?"

"The Death Notes," I replied in annoyance. "If you write someone's name into one they die, mind you I wouldn't mind that considering that this session undoubtedly one of Fate's schemes to drive me insane".

Mr Mansel began writing in his notepad. "Fate yoiu say?"

"Yes' I replied. "You see Fate has been trying to turn my life into a living hell ever since I arrived here, but I'm not going to let him win, I'm going to fight back unlike that idiotic Shinigami ripoff _Shiro-Chan_!" I spat.

"And who is this Shiro-Chan?" Asked Mr Mansel.

"Oh he's a Shinigami from another dimension who was raped by another man and gave birth to little girl named Enfer". I replied confidently

"I'm sorry, I thought Shiro-Cahn was a boy-"

"Oh, he is, he gave birth anyway due to Fate's intervention and the wishes of the fandom".

"And just who is the Fandom?"

"Oh they're the evil being who rule our existences and send ideas to fate with which to make our lives more miserable, well mine mostly which is strange because I'm the one who beat Light and everybody hates him-"

"And who is Light?"

"Light is Kira" I replied without hesitation, I suddenly noticed the shocked expression on Mr Mansel's face had become downright terrified. "Kira is the person who uses the Death Note to kill people-"

"He kills people?" Asked Mr Mansel. Honestly you would think that he would have caught up by now, but no matter this was undoubtedly Fate's work so there was no real point in trying to resist and honestly it felt good to unload some of my problems to someone who couldn't gain some kind of sadistic pleasure from hearing about or add to them unlike _some_ people I could speak about.

"Yes, at first he only killed criminals, then he moved onto people trying ot catch him and then onto anyone he didn't like the look of, which was pretty much everybody besides himself".

"And tell me Near.." Mr Mansel stopped writing. "Is Light attractive?"

"Umm, I suppose," I replied.

"And tell me then Near..." Mr Mansel leaned closer. "Have you and Light ever had... sexual relations?"

"Er, no, definitely not," I replied, resisting the urge to kill the annoying man in front of me. Im mean, just imagine it, me and Light... doing 'things', it scares me and haunts my nightmares. "But he has sex with everyone else though-"

"Oh does he?" Mr Mansle wrote something selse into his notepad. "And tell me are the peopl he has sex with attractive as well?"

"I guess... well I mean L isn't but the fandom seems to think he is, mind you the fandom think me and Mello are actually in love and-"

"Mr Mansel cut me off. "And tell me, is Mello attractive as well?"

"I suppose so-"

"And has Mello ever tried to have sex with you?"

I shuddered. "Just take a look through my journal and you'll see all you need to know".

Mr Mansel glanced at me. " You have a journal? Could I see it?"

"Sure, why not," I said as I handed it to him, ;pulling oit out of my shirt. For the next hour or sop Mr Mansel's expression ranged from horrified to disgusted, eventually however he put down my journal and looked me in the eye. "And all this is true?"

"I would give anything that it wasn't," I replied in a sad voice. "I really, really would".

Mr Mansel leaned back in his chair. "It's setteled then". He pressed a button under his desk. "Nurse, could you please contact Mr Black?"

"Of course Sir, what do you want to say?"

"We have a new patient for him, and he has one hell of a case". Replied Mr Mansel, giving a wary look.

"What was all that about?" I asked in annoyance. Well to be honset I already has a pretty good idea but it never hurts to be sure.

"Well...." Mr Mansel began speaking to me slowly, like I was an idiot. You people should be familiar enough with the experience. "I'm sending to a nice man named Mr Black who going to take you a place where they'll make all better!"

"You're sending me to an asylum aren't you?" I asked him in monotone.

"Er, well Alsyum has such negative connotations-" It was my turn to cut him off.

"Hmm, I wonder why that be?" I asked myself in the same slow tone he used moments before. "I couldn't _possibly_be because of how they used to stick needles into people's brains to see if cutting up the brain made people think better! No, and there _no way _it could be because of the ice-baths with often lead to hypothermia and the odd amputation, no of course not! And electroshock therapy is all the rage so why would that be bad?"

"Come on now, there are lots of people who want to help you get better-'"

"Would these poeple be Therapists by any chance?" I asked him warily

He bl;inked. "Why yes-"

"And you don't see any problem with that?" I asked him incredulously.

"We'll no-"

I sighed. "Fate takes any opportunity to make my life worse, but he takes a particular pleasure in making my life an example of various extremely ,disturbing coincidences, in this case Therapists are the last people I want to be any where near".

"And why would that be?" He asked in confusion.

I glared at him. "Let us see now, what does Therapist spell when you put a space between the first three letters and the rest of them? The **RAPIST**. If that''s not an invitation for Fate to screw with, figuratively and _literally_, I don't know what is".

Mr Mansel sighed then glared at me. "... Look if you don't some willingly I'll just tranquilise you so just shut up". He pulled out a large tranquiliser gun with an absurdly large needle.

Always nice to know people care.

*****

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I wound up in here tied to the wall, how can I be writing this if I'm in a straight-jacket you ask? Well apparently Fate decided that not letting me write about my experiences would be too nice and so allowed me to beam my thoughts directly into the journal, now I can give live updates on exactly how much closer I am to going insane!

Hang on a moment, Mr Black has just come in, and there's someone behind him, I just can't make them out against the bright light and Mr Black's big head. I'll let have a live feed on what's going on.

"Greetings Near, I am Mr Black". He says, speaking a gentle voice. "It is my duty to inform you that after reading your journal I have come up with a solution to your severe mental problems!" Well don't sugar coat it. He continues, "I noticed throughout the journal that your greatest problems are usually linked to yoai, I have laso noted that have developed a fear of Sayu Yagami". Yes, so? Wait, I know where this is going...

"I intend to kill two brids with one stone, by introducing you to the world of sexual relations where you will learn that other people's bodies are not something to be feared-" YES THEY ARE YOU RETARD "- and that Miss Yagami is in fact someone who you should cherish, not be afriad of-"

"I'll pass, I really don't want to try it!" I say quickly hoping that Fate has had enough fun today.

"Oh but you don't know what I have planned yet!" Says Mr Black, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"You don't need to you retard, unless of course that's not Sayu Yagami behind you then I would have to be an idiot not to be able to work out what's in store and I'm telling you I'm NOT going along with it!" I puff my chest out a bit, trying to look intimidating, I don't think it works very well though on account of the fact his smile just got wider.

"Well you really are quite smart aren't you!" Yes, I AM a genius, remember that everybody? "Well, if you don't need me to explain I'll just leave you two to... get on with it!" He leaves, cackling like an old pervert, revealing Sayu Yagami behind him.

"Umm, this really isn't necessary", I say quickly, trying to inch back as Sayu begins wlaking toward me.

"Sure it is!" Replies Sayu happily. "I payed that old guy way too much for me turn back now!" Wait, you _paid_ him to let you into my room?

"Well I don't think it is so stay back, seriously stay back, I'm warning you!" She's getting _way _to close, and as much as I'm sure every male reader out there is enjoying this let me point out a few facts for you. She is a Yagami, furthermore she is Light's sister, meaning she has Light's genetic makeup in her system, which all together basically means she's Light with boobs.. Now, do you really think I'm going to lose it to her willingly? No, wait she's only inches away now, stay away from me! Someone, ANYONE!** HELP ME!**

**The Score: Near: 4 Fate: 10**

**18th of October**

**The Alsyum**

**Screaming for help**

**Nate Rivers**


	24. Lesson 23: Therapy Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Code Geass or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: Please don't hate me for the month-long absence, blame it on exam's and the legally enforceable deprivation of civil liberties brought about by the public education system. Anyhow, I'll try to update faster from now on, so don't flame me.**

Well, I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I'm happy because I'm still a virgin (for now), but I'm very sad because.. well I'll just let you find out.

Anyway, lets start off from where we left off last chapter. I was about to have my Virginity stolen by Light's crazy sister who was getting _way_ too close to my pants when suddenly the door to my rubber room flew open, revealing L, Light, BB, Matt and Mello.

"NO!" They shouted as one.

"NEAR'S VIRGINTY IS MINE!" Shouted Light, whose sheer creepiness has gone even further up than before.

"I WANT HIS SOFTNESS TO MYSELF!" Shouted L, who I now consider to be on the same level as Matsuda.

"I MUST PREBLUBIRCATE HIM AND TAKE THE WHITE ONE FOR THE JAM!" Said BB, shouting being his normal voice, who I consider no differently than before as this is the kind of thing I expect to come out of his mouth.

"... Aren't you supposed to be in hospital?" I asked Light and L, trying to buy some time.

"Well we were, but they let us out!" Declared Light, striking a pose for no apparent reason.

"We couldn't get to each other through the walls so we had to scream what we wanted to do to each other from across the wards. They let us out a few minutes after that". Said L in a happy voice, great, so you managed to escape from hospital not with cunning wit or astounding inventive prowess but through scarring the mentality of hundreds of innocent people.

By the looks of things they had come to rescue me. You know, maybe having Light's crazy sister use me as sex toy wouldn't have been so bad after all. At least Matt and Mello kept quiet, such a shame the reason for it was the fact Mello was gagged (apparently all that talk about chocolate sex just wasn't good for mental health, the Therapist's that is) and Matt's tongue had apparently been evicted from his mouth (along with a few of his teeth). For gods sake bring him back properly if you're going to bring him back at all! At least then I wouldn't have to endure the sight of Matt's slowly rotting, waling corpse having sex with Mello (and several other people) at any given moment!

Still, I suppose it's time to get back to the story. Now, despite the fact that I had just been rescued from being... assaulted by Light's crazy sister I now had another problem, namely: the fact that the elopers were attempting to ravish my soft little body.

"NO!" Screamed Sayu, who ripped me from the wall and shoved me under her arm. "THIS ONE IS MINE! WHAHAHAHAHA!" I think my eardrums just started bleeding, looks like insanity and evil creepy laughs run in the family.

"Um, don't I get a say in who gets to..." I began only to trail off, being unable to bring myself to define such a horrific event in words.

"Ravish your soft little body?" Offered L.

"Pop your cherry?" Presented Light.

"DEFLOWER?" said BB.

"... whatever, anyways, like I was saying don't I get a say in this?" I asked incredulously.

"No". Replied L, Light, BB and Sayu as one, who then all went back to glaring at one another. Actually, this wasn't so bad, as long as you didn't look up you couldn't see the elopers, and if I ignored Sayu's tight grip around my stomach I could pretend that I was in a far away place where men couldn't get pregnant and the SPK wasn't J.A.M. anymore. Of course, Fate couldn't leave things at that, no, that would be too nice.

"Hey!" L suddenly spoke up. "Why don't we just share him?"

"Yeah! Good Idea L!" Said Light.

"THE JAM ALWAYS ENJOYS A SIXSOME!" Declared BB.

"Heh, why not". Sayu shrugged and tossed me onto the floor between her and the elopers. "I get the front though!"

"I call back!" cried L, who is now as creepy as Light in my book. To think that I ever looked up to him, apparently all he ever wanted was to have sex with pretty high school boys with homicidal hobbies.

"THE JAM CALLS... THE FEET! Said BB, and just _what_ was he going to do with my feet do you ask? Well I don't know and I _really_ don't want to either.

"..." said Mello and Matt due to the fact that they couldn't speak, but the way they were rubbing their hands together inspired nightmares, _lots_ of nightmares.

"Alright Then!" Said Sayu, clapping her hands together. "Lets get started, last one in/on is rotten egg!"

"No! Wait!" I screamed as they started advancing upon my poor little body. "Umm, look over there, a flying cake!" I shouted, pointing at the ceiling.

"WHERE!?" They looked as one, trying to find the aforementioned flying cake. I took this chance to make my escape and crawled out of the room as fast as my legs could carry me.

Looks like the threat of being raped in an orgy can grant you the legs of an Olympian! Unfortunately the threat of the elopers plus Sayu was not over yet, within moments after I had manged to escape the room and head down the hall they realized I was gone.

Near: 5 Fate: 10.

"THE WILY WHITE ONE HAS ESCAPED!"

"Dammit! How am I supposed to create the perfect world without the perfect sex-slave!"

"What are you all complaining about?" Asked L as I sprinted around the corner. "This is obviously a game, whoever catches Near gets to deflower him!"

Okay, it's official: I HATE L. Just making that clear for any dunces out there. Moments after L had his evil epiphany I heard the elopers plus Sayu start running out of the room I had been in moments before, fearing for my sanity (and my virginity) I ducked into one of the nearby rooms to hide from their eager appendages.

Alas Fate, it seems, was not done with me, oh no, _that_ was just a warm up, now it was time to go onto the main course.

Suddenly the door locked itself behind me and the lights of the room switched on, revealing another rubber room, the only difference to my own was that it had two tables bolted to the floor with dome coverings on top, in front of them was everyone's favorite Shinigami Ryuk and Light's male Stalker Mikami. Between the tables was Mr Black. Apparently they hadn't noticed me so I kept quiet.

"Greeting Ryuk and Mr Mikami, I am Mr Black," said Mr Black. Hey, how come Mr Black could see Ryuk anyway? I'll bet you anything Fate had something to do with it...

"I am here to try and help get over your respective problems". He continued.

"What do you mean?" Asked Mikami. "I am stable and well adjusted member of our society".

Mr Black raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" He grabbed a handle protruding from the top of one of the metal dome and lifted it to reveal the Death Note sitting on a metal plate.

"MY PRECIOUS!" hissed Mikami as he ran to the Death Note. Suddenly Mr Black stuck out his foot and Mikami landed on his face.

"What was that about well adjusted?" Asked Mr Black as he held down Mikami's writhing form.

"Mr precious..." sobbed Mikami.

"Hyuk, well I knew he was a wackjob, but how come I'm here?" Asked Ryuk wit his usual apple-rape-face on.

"You, Ryuk, are here to get over your addiction to the apple." Replied Mr Black.

"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" Asked Ryuk, still grinning like a maniac.

"The same way I'm going to cure Mr Mikami here of his Bibliosexuality" Said Mr Black, wait did he just say Bibliosexuality? For those of you who aren't smart enough to know the English translation Biblio means 'book' and I'm going to assume you already know what sexuality means.

So, Mikami gets off on books. Explains a lot doesn't it? Anyways, back to the story:

Mr Black continued. "Both you Mr Mikami both suffer from an obsession with inanimate objects, I have concluded that this is not healthy and have devised a method of helping you overcome your unfortunate conditions". He stood aside to reveal Watari standing behind him with a metal cylinder in his right hand.

"Mr Watari here has kindly volunteered to assist me in this exercise".

Watari smiled at Ryuk and Mikami. "Don't worry, I'll have you both fixed up in no time!" Then he pressed a button on the cylinder, causing it to expand into a large pole, which somehow attached itself to the ceiling without glue, maybe it had suction cups?

Then, Ryuk's, Mikami's and my personal worst nightmare began (well it was one of mine anyway) and Watari started poledancing.

"NOOOO!" Screamed Mikmai, shielding his eyes.

"MY EYES ARE SOILED!" Howled Ryuk, heh not so funny when it happens to _you_ now is it! I, having been subject to far worse, said nothing but silently began plotting vengeance against Fate.

Near: 5 Fate: 11.

It was at this point Mikami and Ryuk turned to leave, Mr Black however stuck out a hand and took off the second dome, revealing a large plate of apples.

"Now, now. Mr Ryuk and Mr Mikiami, just remember what you're leaving behind if you leave the room. Ryuk's pupils expanded to the size of goofballs as he saw the apples of the table, only to shirk to pinpricks as he saw Watari (now with 75% less clothing!) dancing on the pole, Mikami on the other hand just switched from salivating to screaming and back again in under a second.

"The method works like this," explained Mr Black. "I have exposed you to the object of your desire next to a sight which is so unimaginably horrific that you want to run away screaming. This means that you can't get close enough to the objects of your desire to take them, but you can't leave because of your addiction to the objects, eventually the horror of Mr Watari's stripping/pole dancing routine will grow so great that you will run from the room screaming for your mothers and thus your addictions will have been defeated as each time you think of them you will instantly be reminded of Mr Watari here and you will lose any desire towards your addictions. Simple, no?"

"WHY KIRA!? WHY!?" That was Mikami in case anyone was too stupid to recognize his particular scary form of Fanboyism.

"IT'S LIKE REM AND SIDOH HAD A BABY!" Screamed Ryuk like a little girl.

Well as I really don't want to give details of what happened during the next half hour lets just say that Ryuk and Mikami eventually left the room, Mr Black and Watari hot their tails. Apparently no one saw me because I blend in so well with industrial gray.

So there I was, sitting, alone, too scared to leave the room on account of the many people currently wishing to do strange and M-rated things to my poor little body when I was struck by an idea, you see Mr black had neglected to take the note book and apples from the tables when he left and now that I was alone there was no reason not to take the notebook...

I crept up to the table, expecting some kind of insanity to occur to stop me reaching it in time, however nothing happened, was Fate having to much fun with Mikami and Ryuk to watch me right now?

I slowly raised a hand to the table, just touching the edge of the notebook, suddenly my hopes of suicide were dashed as Light burst into the room.

"A-HA!" Screamed Light at the top of his voice. "I HAVE FOUND YOU LITTLE SEX-TOY! NOW YOU VIRGINTY WILL BE MIIIINNNNEE! Then he threw back his head and did his Kira-laugh like the one he did in the warehouse at the end of the series.

I think my eardrums are still bleeding.

Then he spotted the notebook in my hand. "And just what is that I see in your hand..." _uh-oh, if Light find out this is a Death Note he'll probably use to make me his boy-toy for the next twenty-three days, and Fate would probably bring me back wrong later like Matt just for kicks! Think fast Near!_ _Wait!_ I was suddenly struck by an idea.

"Well it's sort of like the Death Note..." I said slowly. "But in reality it's what we call a Slash Note!"

Light blinked. "A Slash Note.. you mean a note that Slashes people?"

"Yes...." I said. "This is notebook that Slashes people, as in... boy-slash-_boy_ or girl-slash-_girl_!"

Light's eyes widened. "You mean.. it's a Notebook that makes people _gay_!" He squealed in delight, something that I personally find disturbing for some reason.

"Yes, well, not only that but... it make them have sex with the person who writes their name into it!"

Light stood still for a second then... "GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME!" He jumped over to me and snatched the note-book away. "YES, NOW YOU SHALL BE MINE LITTLE NEAR! WHHAHAHA!" And With that he pulled a pen from someplace I don't want to think about and flipped open the notebook.

He was about to write my name into the note book when I interrupted him. "Wait!"

He looked at me. "Why? Don't you want to give me your precious innocence?" Well that sentence is going to haunt my nightmares.

"Yes, but I want to do it without the Slash Note" I lied, _I need to wash my mouth out now_. "Why don't you write BB,. Mello and Matt's names instead and have foursome while I get ready..."

Light grinned. "Brilliant Idea!" And with that he started writing into the notebook Kira style.

I smirked, _exactly as planned! My brilliant plan to use Light's own hyper-sexuality to destroy himself and the rest of the elopers has succeeded, the only flaws are that I couldn't risk asking him to write Sayu's name, after all I don't think he'd want to have a five some with his sister, at least not without me separating them, and that I don't know whether or not the Death Note will work on Matt as he's still technically dead._ I started counting down the seconds.

Thirty seconds....

Twenty seconds...

Ten seconds, I let a little grin slide onto my face.

"Hun?" Asked Light, nine seconds... "How come you're smiling?".

I looked up at him and gave him my best creepy smile. ""Well..." _seven seconds..._ _HA!HA!HA! He's going to die, all of them are going to die! Well, except maybe Matt and Sayu but I'll just write Sayu's name into the Death Note later and I can just rebury Matt, he's looking stale at this point anyway..._ "it's because..." I let out a little laugh, _five seconds..._

"Because what?" Asked Light, looking a little bit annoyed, _three seconds._

I let my smirk grow into a full smile. "Well Light, you see it's because I've finally won." _That's right, once you die I can just take the Death Note and use it to kill off whatever Fate throws at me, I win no matter what way you look at it!_

_One second_.

"What's that supposed to mea-"

_ZERO!_

Light's mouth hung open as he froze, apparently feeling his heart stop. I rejoiced internally, _yes yes yes yes YES! I'VE Won, now just fall over so I can pry the Death Note your dead fingers before Fate works out what's going on!_

But, much to my surprise, Light didn't keel over, in fact he didn't even waver. Suddenly he dropped the note book and ran out of the room.

Now, normally I wouldn't have any problem with the fact that Light was heading away from my vulnerable body, but there was the fact that he was supposed to be dead. And dead people aren't supposed to run around, however Fate had already done away with that expectation by resurrecting Matt as a hyper-sexual Zombie.

Hey, just a random thought, does anyone else ever notice how the elopers seem to be passing through every type of fetish? I mean, the list they've gone through in frightening in it's length and mentally defiling on a whole new level if you have had to witness even a nanosecond, I mean, some things were meant to stay in nightmares. Maybe Matt was brought back in order to fulfill necrophilia...

Anyhow, I had already worked out that whatever was going on Fate had taken notice and was, as always, screwing with my life. There was only one thing He/She (what is fate's gender anyway,?) could have done though, or else Light would be dead, and that was mess with the Death Note.

Hesitatingly, I crawled over to where the notebook had fallen, the black cover stark against the floor. I wrapped my fingers around the back picked it up, turning the front cover to me. And there I saw it, the single most horrific thing I have ever seen, the ultimate testimony to Fate's reverse genius, two little words upon the cover that will haunt me till the end of my days:

**SLASH NOTE**

For those of you too stupid to work it out the Slash Note is a version of the Death Note that, instead of killing people, turns them gay and makes them have sex with other people, who are either also gay or will turn gay for the sake. In other words, exactly what I described to Light earlier.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's more of a testimony to my own perverse Genius isn't it? I mean I came up with the idea... and Fate stole it, isn't that plagiarism?

Anyhow, after about an hour of crying after I read the rules (That specifically stated that if I threw it away or burned it or transferred ownership I would be... you don't want to know.). I eventually found my way out of the Asylum (apparently they were preoccupied with the elopers, since Light wrote down what amounted to a twelve hour orgy with the rest of the elopers involving various M-rated objects they were making quite the mess...) and ran back home to cry, where I'm now sitting on my bed with the Slash Note beside me. I don't think I'll be writing in this dairy for a while while I get over what I've had to go through lately...

**Near: 5 Fate: 12**

**18th of October**

**The Yagami household**

**Feeling Sad**

**Nate Rivers**


	25. Lesson 24: Crossover Removal

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, the Twilight quartet, Bleach, the Haruhi Suzumiya series, Code Geass, Dragonball Z, Axis Powers: Hetalia, or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use it

I

The human whose name in this note shall have sex with the nearest human of the same gender. It will happen.

II

If a specific pairing is desired then the second humans name must be written next to the firsts with an 'x' between the two within the next forty seconds.

III

If a specific type of sexual encounter is desired then details of the encounter must be written underneath the humans name within the next six minutes and forty seconds.

Okay my evil readers, after an extreme period of absence I have finally decided to continue this diary (purely on the basis of having to join the eloper's permanently if I do not, Mregent.2 is evil I tell you!).

I suppose you'll all want some kind of summary of what went on during the past month of so of absence, well, not much really, I decided to lock myself in my room for most of it so I really don't know what the hell happened.

However, today my period of peace was brought to an abrupt close as Kyon finally came from the hospital after being raped by Haruhi.

Just for the record, I still believe that women can't rape men, Haruhi does NOT count due to the fact that she's a god (I think?) and Sayu's... a Yagami, lets leave it at that.

Anyways, back to the story. I had come down to breakfast (Mrs Yagami got sick of carrying it to my room so I have to collect it from the table nowadays) when I spotted Kyon sitting at the table.

"Oh, hello Kyon, I see the Doctor's managed to put you back together again". I said conversationally.

"Yes, I'm surprised too, there wasn't exactly much left to- hey it's YOU!" He suddenly pointed a finger at me, screaming like a banshee.

"Yes, I am me."

"I know that!" I noticed a few seconds ago. "You're the as*&^%$ who threw me to Haruhi!"

"Oh stop complaining", I replied. "We could all hear how much you enjoyed it."

"It's true". Agreed Light, who had suddenly appeared behind me.

"Sound's about right," said L from pocking his head up from beneath the table.

"That's how it rolled," said Mello who had apparently been hiding n the closet with Matt. Just out of curiosity just how is hell still in one piece anyway? I mean, he should have fallen apart a few days after he'd been 'resurrected', and Mello's not exactly gentle with him...

"I was screaming in pain not pleasure you morons- how did you get up there?"

"I don't know," said I, from my vantage point on the air conditioner. "I think my instinct's took control when the eloper's appeared from no-where, they're very finely tuned at this point."

Kyon shook his head. "Well, whatever, the point is that you still threw me to Haruhi, now you're going to pay!" And with that he jumped onto the table and started clawing at me.

"If I hadn't we would all be stuck in a permanent orgy with multiple people that or may not be alive!"

"Because of you I had to have anal reconstruction surgery!" The eloper's winced.

"If I hadn't done it you wouldn't want one!" I yelled, trying to avoid Kyon's grasping fingers. _Arrgh! I've had it with this stupidity! I mean, half the people around here aren't even from from Death Note in the first place and there's more chapter's with crossover character's than without._ Suddenly, my genius brain came up with an idea, an idea to rid my universe of crossover character's at last!

"Say, Kyon," said I. "I think you should go get Haruhi."  
Kyon froze. "And why should I do that?"

"Just do it," replied I. "And don't forget the rest of the SOS brigade, that C.C. Person, and get the Twilight people as well."

Kyon folded his arms. "And just why should I do that, I mean, even if I was kind enough to do it you might just run off to your room again and I'd never be able to wreak my revenge."

I sighed. "Look, the past has show us both that the presence of crossover people in one area increase the chances of insanity occurring, if you get all the crossover people here than the possibility of insanity occurring will go through the roof, meaning something bad will probably happen to me. Furthermore if I try to leave that means I'll be putting squishy body in the hands of the eloper's down there, and we all know what happen next..."

Kyon's eyes narrowed. "And just what do you get out of this?"

"Momentary relief," replied I. "My guess is that for revenge you were planning to toss me to either Sayu, the eloper's or both. Since the presence of crossover people only increases insanity that means that the possibility of my escaping or being saved is reduced to somewhere just below zero percent. This way I have a few minutes more before losing my Virginity and/or my sanity, while you get the satisfaction of knowing that my fate has become all the worse due to you following my own orders due to the fact that such a high possibility of insanity occurring will make things even worse.."

Kyon looked my in the eyes for a moment, "... fine so long as I get my revenge I suppose I can wait a few minutes." And with that Kyon jumped off the table and ran off to find the rest of the crossover-invaders.

The next few minutes were spend quivering in fear as I watched the eloper's eye me. When Kyon finally came back I found myself the centre of attention from humans, Aliens, Vampires, Espers, Time Traveller's and (possibly) a deity.

"Greeting's citizen''s of insanity!" I proclaimed. "Suppose you all want to know why you have been gathered here?"

"Well duh!" Said Haruhi.

"I would like to know what;s going on," that was Koizumi.

" I don't really care so long as I'm with Edward,"said Bella.

"Um.. I'm Jacob." Said Jacob, looking a bit creeped out by the girl doing a very good limpet impression on his arm, who, by this time, seemed to not be able to differentiate between the Gary-Stu vampire rip-off and the boy who turned into a giant hairy rabid-looking bear-thing.

I felt my eye twitch. "... Well, I'm going to tell you any-"

"Hey, are you trying to signal Aliens by sitting on the fan?" Asked Haruhi.

"No, now-"

"EDWARD!" Shouted Bella for no apparent reason.

"BELLA!" Shouted Edward back, who had come in with the rest of them.

"Be quite!" I snapped. "Now, like I was saying, I will now explain why I have brought you here-"

"Actually Mr boring-boy here brought us here," Said C.C, "I was told there would be Pizza..."

"I thought I would be getting revenge!" Shouted Kyon.

"AND I THOIUGHT I WOULD BE GETTING JAM!" Said BB.

"And thought I would I be getting Edward," said Bella dreamily.

"I'm right here," said Edward.

"SHUT UP YOU RETARDS!" I shouted. "Now, for the last time the reason why I have brought you here, and if anyone interrupts me one more time I swear I will put a GPS on them and give a tracker to the fangirls! AND NO, I DO NOT CARE WHAT GENDER YOU ARE!"

The room was suddenly filled with silence.

"Good," I sighed. "Now, the reason I have brought you all here is to inform you that your time in my world is at an end. I'm afraid that in a few minutes a portal will appear that will take you all back to your original universes and-"

"And who's to say we're to go through it?" Snapped Haruhi. "I like it here!"

I turned slowly to her,. "Miss Suzumiya, could you remind me what I said would happen to the next person who interrupted me."

Haruhi's face turned white, "um-well, err..."

"Never-mind, it's actually quite a good question," I said in a soothing tone, I stuck a hand inside my pyjama shirt and pulled out the Slash Note. "This is what's called a Slash Note, when you write someone's name in it you can make them have sex with anyone you like, and unless the portal appears within the next five seconds and you go through it I'm going to write your name into the note and make you have sex with Ganju from Bleach!"

"Ew, OH HELLS NO!" Screamed Haruhi, and with that the portal that brought the crossover people here suddenly appeared behind her.

"Come on Brigade, we're getting the hell outta dodge!" And so, the SOS Brigade left this universe, with Haruhi running like the hounds of hell were after her, and Kyon being dragged by the collar, howling in lament for his lost vengeance.

The rest just walked, in case anyone cares.

**Near: 6 Fate: 12**

You see, it was simple, I knew that Haruhi was the only one with the power to open the portal, so I simply tricked her into believing that portal into existence. Then I threatened her with an unimaginable horror that even she couldn't find interesting thus causing her to leave, taking Kyon (who she obviously loves) and the rest of the SOS Brigade (who follow her everywhere so she doesn't blow up the universe) with her.

Now it was the Twilight people's turn, I turned to see Bella attached to Jacob's arm once again. Edward looked sad and occasionally made puppy-eyes at her.

_Well this is going to be easy._

"Hey Bella!"

The Mary-Sue looked at me. "Yes pyjama boy?"

I pointed at the portal. "Edwards waiting on the other side of the portal!"

"WAIT FOR ME EDWARD!" Screamed Bella suddenly, tossing aside Jacob's arm like last weeks newspaper and Jumping through the portal.

"BELLA!" The Twilight people collectively screamed and promptly jumped through the portal.(Which I suppose was the logical thing to do, after all, the Twilight world revolves around Bella, and if she isn't around.. well it's not like the characters are interesting enough to make book without all the teenage angst now are they?).

**Near: 7 Fate: 12!**

I was catching up! Now my only problem was how get down without being raped by the eloper's... or so I thought! Suddenly the portal hummed and spat out a bunch of new people onto the floor, after a few seconds of watching them untangle themselves I recognised them.

"O' for gods sake ENOUGH WITH THE CROSSOVER'S ALREADY!" I shouted at Fate, as Goku, Vegeta, Cell and the rest of the supporting cast whose names I can't be bothered remembering disentangled themselves.

"Huh?" Said Goku once he had finally managed to stand up. "How come you're shouting at the ceiling little boy?"

**Near: 7 Fate: 13**

I slowly turned to look at him, my eye twitching ever so slightly. "Because Fate won't stop screwing with me!"

Suddenly Vegeta kicked Goku out of his way. "Out the way you idio- what the, look at this one's hair!"

Goku looked up from his position on the floor. "Hey, it's white! Does that mean you're some kind of Utlra-Mega-Super-Sajin?"

"No," I deadpanned. "I'm an L level three."

"Umm, okay.... hey I don't suppose you're actually some kind of alien invader coming to destroy earth?"

"Er, no."

"Well, then, I don't suppose you know any do you?"

"Afraid not," said I. "We don't have many Alien's around here.."

Goku blinked. "Okay then, hey guy's, "he called to the other Dragonball Z people. 'We're not fighting!"

The rest looked confused. "Then what are we supposed to do?" Said Krillin. "I mean, all we usually do is look anxious while the main characters fight..."

"I know!" Said Vegeta. "Why don't we do the invading for a change, that way we can fight AND get rich at the same time!"

"Umm, I dunno.." said Goku. "That might clash with my, 'dumb hero' image..."

"You get free food."

"I'm in!"

Okay, it was at this point I decided to step in, because as much as I might want to see the eloper's burned to a crisp, I don't want to be.

"Hey, Goku plus side characters!" I shouted, they turned to me. "I have a question to ask before you blow us all to god knows where!"

Goku grinned. "Sure, what is it?"

"Umm, I've always wanted to know why you always scream so loud when you're powering up.." I said slowly. "I mean, if I didn't know better I would say you get your super-powers from constipation!"

Goku look a bit shifty, "well actually-"

_So my suspicions were correct! Now to phase to two of my plan!_"I mean, it would explain how you keep getting stronger against all logic, all that food you eat has to go somewhere doesn't it?"

"Yes but-"

"But of course that silly.." I laughed. "I mean, what kind of superhero gets their powers from constipation! Or course if you did you would never be able to eat anything from _this_ planet..."

"Oh, and why is that?" Asked Vegeta.

I smiled my best creepy smile. "Because in this world we like to sweeten everything we eat with laxative, so if you tried to conquer this world you would eventually have to eat and thus lose your super-powers.."

The Dragonball Z cast blanched. "I-is that so?" Asked Vegeta stiffly.

Yes, " I lied with a chirpy voice reminiscent of Misa (by the way, I think the rest of the Death Note cast besides me and the eloper's had either gone to work or school, and they would have gotten up by now with all of the racket). "But of course you big strong super-hero's wouldn't have to worry about that now would you? Of course not, in fact, here!" I took out a square of chocolate I had been saving for plot to poison L from my Pyjamas . "Consider this piece of our finest chocolate a welcome from your new subjects!"  
"N-no that won't be necessary!" Said Vegeta backing away.

I grinned and threw it at them.

Goku screamed like a little girl and jumped through the portal, the rest of cast quickly following. Within seconds the room was once again deserted by all except for the eloper's and myself

**Near: 8 Fate: 13**

The gap between I and Fate was quickly diminishing, al I had to do now was find a way to get the eloper's to go through the portal and the battle would be mine! Looking downward from my vantage of the fan I could see their lust-filled eyes, and suddenly, an idea occurred to me.

"Say Light, what would you do for a Slash Note?" I asked slyly.

"ANYTHING!" Screamed Light, his pretty-boy looks marred by the drool coming from the corner of his mouth.

I smiled. "Good, now," I pointed at the portal. "All you have to do is go through there and I'll give you the Slash Note!"

Light's yes narrowed. "And how do I know this isn't a trick to get me to jump through the portal to some unknown universe where I might never be able to return from?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Because if you don't do it I'll make you have sex with Misa."

Light blinked. ".. good enough for me!" And with that our favourite homicidal maniac jumped through the portal to god-knows-where, hopefully never to be seen again. The rest of the eloper's did exactly as I expected them to.

"Light-bright!" Screamed L, who then jumped into the portal.

"THE JAM NEEDS IT'S PRETTY-BOY!" Said BB who also jumped in.

"Dammit how are supposed to have a foursome without you guys?" Asked Mello before performing a somersault and jumping into the portal, somehow managing to drag Matt behind him. It was really quite impressive.

**Near: 9 Fate: 13.**

At last I had defeated the eloper's, now they were gone. I laughed in joy as I climbed down to the table, only to be suddenly met by two yellow eyes.

"Er, hello C.C."

"You forgot about me didn't you?" Asked C.C.

"Er, um... yes I suppose I did."

"Well since everybody else is gone there's no-one here to stop me from fulfilling my deepest wish.."

I gulped. "And what is that?"

C.C. suddenly grinned, "to make a pizza with albino topping!" She grabbed me around the waist and began dragging me to the kitchen.

"Arghh! No, wait, I don't want to be albino pizza!" I shouted.

"'Topping' not 'pizza' silly!" Giggled C.C. which was strangely disturbing.

_Oh of course, 'Topping' not 'Pizza' how silly of me, of course being 'Topping' make everything alright then doesn't it? Wait Pizza, that it!_

"Hey!" I suddenly yelled. "There's twenty pounds of Pizza waiting for you on the other side of the portal!"

"Yeah right, do you really think I'm so stupid as to fall for that trick, I'm over five hundred years old for pity's sake!" And with that C.C. threw me onto the kitchen table.

"Umm, there's Jam and Albino topping!" I shouted desperately as she pulled a knife out of somewhere I don't want to remember.

"Why didn't you say so!" C.C, dropped the knife and ran out of the Kitchen and through the portal.

**Near: 10 Fate: 13**

Okay, let's review shall we. I, Near, had now managed to defeat all the sources of my torment single-handily besides Fate him/herself. I was alone in the kitchen, still had time to get to school and my breakfast was still edible.

And that ,Toshiro Hitsugia, is how to show Fate where to stick it, now let's see **you** try to pull that off!

Alas, my hard-won peace was not to last, for much to my horror the portal started glowing, suddenly a new bunch of beings burst through portal, and then, something worse happened.

The portal closed.

That meant I was stuck with whatever moron's Fate had decided to throw at me. Sighing resignedly I lifted myself from the table and went over to meet them.

"Ahh, where the F*&^ have dragged us to this time you f*&%wit!?" A Blonde man with giant eyebrows pocked his head from the mass.

"Umm, that's a good question, but have no fear, a hero always finds a way out of any situation!" Proclaimed another blonde man, this one wearing glasses and a stupid expression.

Apparently they were the characters of Axis Powers: Hetalia, who, as I was abut to find out were even worse than the rest of the moron's I had just rid of put together.

Long story short, right now I'm in my room after the school day, the Nation's have taken their places in the household (Mr Yagami's charging them double the old prices due to meeting Russia and France at the same time). Just to let you know exactly how bad my situation has become I'll explain:

Mrs Yagami is sick of cooking so much each night so now **ENGLAND** is on cooking, France is even worse than the eloper's were and America... well I actually don't know where he is but I guarantee that when he does turn up things will be even worse. Oh well, enough ranting for tonight, at least I managed to double my previous score right?

**The Score: Near: 10 Fate: 14**

**23rd of November**

**The Yagami household**

**Going to sleep.**

**Nate Rivers**


	26. Lesson 25: Crossovers and Cults

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

**Author's Note: By the way people, have you heard of the Bleach Fanfic 'Uninvited Guests'. It's about Toshiro going through hell at the hands of the rest of the soul society, it's by far one the funniest fic's I've ever read and I'm putting my seal of approval on it so if you feel like a laugh and like Bleach then do yourself a favour and go read it, you can find it in my favourites.**

IV

If the owner of a Note's name is entered into a Slash Note they will not be effected. However every other human of the same gender within twenty miles will attempt to have sex with them for the next twenty four hours.

V

If the human whose name is written in this note is paired with a human of the opposite gender then the human whose name was written after the firsts will undergo an instantaneous sex change into the first humans gender.

VI

Multiple pairing (threesomes, orgies, etc) are possible with the slash note but all the names of those involved must be written within the forty seconds after the first name is written, otherwise the Slash note will not take effect for those individuals whose names were not completed within forty seconds.

Well here I am, once again reporting to you sick-minded people the misery which you take such pleasure subjecting me to. But of course you already knew all that so I suppose I had best move on to today's torment.

As you already know last chapter I single-handily crushed all of Fate's crossover characters. However Fate, evidently enjoying to increased insanity brought about by merging series, decided to bring about a new type of stupidity in the form of the Axis Powers: Hetalia characters.

For those of you unfamiliar with the series it's basically about the personifications of various Nations during the second world war, for those you who don't know what personifications are, go look in a dictionary, for those of who don't know what a Dictionary is, get out of my sight you illiterate retards.

Anyway, today's bout of stupidity began in the classroom. The only notable thing about the morning was my breakfast, or lack thereof, for (surprisingly at this point) I want to live and consuming England's cooking it in direct opposition to that desire.

Right back to class. I was sitting in between America and France, Kyomi and Misa having been committed to the hospital for treatments due to Light withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately, while my life may no longer be in mortal peril my sanity has taken it's place as France is a bigger pervert than the elopers put together (_including_ the Hitsugia's guide to high school ones), only less successful, which would be good if you discounted the fact that all that perversity building up over a period of time without release only makes the pervert more determined.

Fortunately there are such things as restraints and gags, although from the look on France's face I think he might be (unsurprisingly) enjoying being tied up.

America on the other hand is just plain stupid in ways that should not be possible. To any Americans out there whom I have offended I do sincerely tell you to stick it, you try spending hours on end with this egotistical moron and _then_ try and be offended about it. Seriously, I might be biased due to that incident with the American-made lock on the closet door all those chapters ago but all I've seen him do so far is rant on about super-hero's, eat fast-food and declare himself the greatest genius the world has ever seen.

Sorry you blind fool but that position is _mine. _Did _you_ make Light break out in a cold sweat with the first words you spoke to him? Did _you_ manage to defeat Kira? Are you the world's greatest detective? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

Anyway, back to the classroom. The insanity began when our history teacher started class.

"Now," said the teacher. "Today we are starting on the history of the U.K." England sat bolt upright, smirking at America, any guesses as to who's going to get the highest mark in this class?

As I'm sure all know Britain was once the largest, and possibly the greatest, Empire the world has ever seen-"

"Hold it!" Shouted America, standing up. "America is the greatest country the world has ever seen!"

"He said _Empire_ you moron!" Spat England. "And besides, you aren't the greatest country in the world anyway, you're just an overgrown ungrateful brat!"

"I'm greater than you every were!"

"The only thing you're greater than I am is _ego_." It continued like this for a while, and truth be told, I wasn't worried, after all England and America having cat-fights is perfectly normal. What I wasn't prepared for was Japan standing up for no apparent reason and interrupting them.

"Neither of you are the greatest country in the world, _I _hold that honour!"

America turned to him. "Oh yeah?" He folded his arms, "says who?"

Japan smirked. "Says the army waiting outside the school, isn't that correct my loyal minions!?" He called.

"YES O' GREAT JAM-GOD!" Screamed a crow from outside the window. I quickly glanced outside to see the J.A.M. Running outside like the lunatics they were.

Well I can't say I was surprised, but it's been a while since we've seen them hasn't it? Mind you, I wonder how Japan got them on his side, maybe he offered them free cable?

Back to the story: America just grinned at Japan. "Yeah, like a hero like me is going to be beaten by Jam-worshippers!"

Japan's eyes narrowed. "Oh, you don't think they can out-do your petty army? One look at the J.A.M. Health plan and regular company holidays and they'll desert like they found peanut-butter in their rations!"

America blinked. "And what so bad about peanut butter?"

Japan opened his mouth, then closed in and started rubbing at is temples. "I don't quite know, I need to stop spending so much time with random cults..."

America shook his head. "Well whatever, even if the the J.A.M. were to beat my army I still have one ace in the hole!"

Japan's eyes narrowed, "oh yes, and what is that?"

America suddenly ran over to me, wrenched me out of my seat and stuffed me under his arm.

"HEY! Enough with the pretty boys throwing me around like a sack of potatoes!" I shouted.

"Did someone say something about potatoes!" Germany was suddenly a few inches away from my face.

America glared at him. "Go away Germany no one's talking to you!" Germany went back to Italy to sulk. America turned back to Japan, "and like I was saying before I still have one ace in the hole left if my army gets beaten by thirty-something people in toga's with a Jam fetish! From what I've heard this little boy is a virgin, and everybody knows cults are always after virgins! All I have to do is give him over to them and they'll be too busy deflowering him they won't notice me knocking them all out!" America struck a pose.

They room was silent.

**Near: 10 Fate: 15**

I glared at America. "I hate you."

Suddenly Hungary stood up,"come here little boy..."

France tried to say something, but the gag was still in place. However the look in his eyes will still doubtlessly plague my nightmares for many years to come (assuming I survive that long).

"I think you should become one with me..." said Russia, still somehow not as creepy as France eyes.

Japan shook his head. "Alas, foiled again by the luck of fools. You have won this round America but I shall strike again, and this time I shall win!"

America struck another pose, and grinned at England. "I won again, just like a hero always does!"

"Yes, despite the fact that you've lost almost every war you've fought in for the past fifty years." Replied England.

_Hmm nice response, now if only your cooking wasn't banned by the UN we might have- wait England's cooking!_ I grinned.

"Aww he's smiling!" Cooed Hungary.

"He must want to become one with me!" Proclaimed Russia.

"Mpppppphhh," moaned France. Which was somehow still creepier than Russia.

"Not exactly..." I said, still smiling. "You see I ate England's cooking for breakfast, that means England's food is in me right now, and that means..."

"If I try to deflower you I'll be putting my... Moscow in the same place as England's cooking." Realised Russia with an expression of intense horror. "It'll drop off!"

Hungary however, was not so easily taken care of. "Well that's a problem all right, or it would be if you were telling the truth!"

"Er what do you mean, are you saying that an innocent little boy like me would _lie_!?" I put on my best 'kicked puppy' expression.

"Awww," cooed Hungary. "Not buying it, and besides if you ate England's cooking then how are you still alive?"

Everyone in the room froze and looked at me.

"Um, er... I have a strong stomach!" I declared desperately.

"String enough to withstand toxic waste?"

"Hey!" Protested England, poor fellow, he must have been feeling left out.

"... since when did you get so smart anyway?"

**Near: 10 Fate: 16**

Hungary grinned. "I knew it!"

Russia gasped. "You lied to me, oh you naughty little boy, why I'll let Belarus join in just for that!"

Okay, I admit it, at this point things weren't looking too good for me. In fact, the situation was looking so bad as to come back around the other way, meaning it was still bad but it was kind of good in a weird kind of way that shouldn't be possible to comprehend or explain and-

What the, where the hell did _**that**_ from!? Dammit I need some sane time before my fragile psyche joins France's virginity.

Well anyway, like I was saying things were pretty bad at this point, however I still had one trick left up my sleeve.

"Hey!" I called down to the J.A.M., "you there, freaks in the togas!"

"YES O' WHITE ONE!?" They called as one.

I pointed at Russia and Hungary. "Those two like peanut butter better than Jam!"

"DOWN WITH THE PEANUT-BUTTER LOVERS!" Screamed the J.A.M., who promptly ran through the the schools front gate.

I looked at Russia. "I'd start running if I were you, they're sort of like thirty Frances except with less lubricant." Which is true, they eat theirs...

Russia paled. "I see, well then I think we'd have best be-"

Unfortunately Russia never had a chance to finish that sentence as it was at that moment that the J.A.M. Burst through the classroom door, grabbed him and Hungary and ran back out again.

"Well..." said Austria. "That was quite random, I know that I should be feeling anxious that my on-and- off girlfriend has been kidnapped by a spread-worshipping cult but for some reason I want to have a party, must have something to do with all the threesomes she's made me have with Prussia and Russia."

**Near: 11 Fate: 16**

Well that's all that happened today besides the cafeteria incident which cannot be reported due to the rating. Suffice it to say that England taking a job as the school lunch-man was not a good idea, which surprised me all pretty much all he had to do was heat the food up, and yet he still managed to turn the gravy neon blue.

Anyhow, I've enough with writing about today's insanity, all that's left is to report on the the Slash Note. Unfortunately due to the laws of the Slash Note I can neither burn it nor give it to someone else, furthermore the rules have stated that I must use it soon or else be forced into a horrific scenario involving Aizawa and Matusda.

**The Score: Near: 11 Fate 16**

**7th of December**

**The Yagami household**

**Stuffing this stupid diary in my drawer**

**Nate Rivers**


	27. Lesson 26: Group Assignments Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:  
How to use

VII

The human who first touches this note becomes the owner of the Slash Note.

VIII

Approximatively seven days after the Slash Note is first used by a human a Slashygami shall descend from the Slashygami realm to haunt that human until the human dies or the ownership of the Slash Note is transferred to another human.

IX

If this Note is damaged, destroyed or otherwise rendered unusable then all the humans who have touched the Note up to this point will transform into Slashygami and spend the rest of eternity in an orgy with each other, the Shinigami's Ryuk and Rem and the humans Matsuda and Aizawa.

Okay people, it's me Near again, your favourite universal chew toy reporting the suffering I had to endure on the behalf of you people's twisted sense of humour.

Well today started as usual in the Yagami household, or as usual as it has been since the living personifications of bad national stereotypes started free loading.

A quick question, how come I, a little boy in white Pyjamas has to pay rent when countless... 'people' get to stay for free. I mean, they're Nations for pities sake, they have all the money their governments have to spend, they could buy the street without making a dent in their budgets, hell the whole city if they wanted to! And yet somehow _I_ still have to pay rent, not _only_ for my own room but for the J.A.M. Headquarters as Mr Yagami doesn't accept Jam as a valid currency and the J.A.M. won't pay in anything else. Since they refused leave he just told me to pay up or get out, which I would love to do except for the rabid Fangirls waiting in the night for an innocent little boy to... do things to...

Oh, and just case you're wondering about that great health plan Japan was going on about last chapter I'm paying for that too, bloody year-long contracts! Ever wonder why I don't just put a hit on these people: I'm flat broke,, and they'd probably survive in some ludicrous, improbable (possibly impossible) way that would somehow make my life even worse.

Damn, lately I just keep going off on a tangent about random point in my life don't I? Anyway back to the main story: today started as usual as had since the Axis Power: Hetalia characters appeared. I got dressed in my favourite floppy pyjamas (new polar blizzard shade!), crept quietly out the front door before England could poison me, hit France in the face with a sexual health and safety booklet with detailed pictures of various STI symptoms as I went through the doorway to slow down his libido long enough for me to get through the front gate, and ran as fast my legs could go to escape from America trying to somehow use my 'super albino powers' to stop global warming.

Yes, just an average morning.

Anyhow I eventually made it to school without being raped, maimed, killed, driven insane, or some combination of the four. It's good thing buses have strong windows, let tell you that, its nor such a good thing that you can see out of them though, nightmares all round due the recent increase in fangirl population brought about by the new Twilight film being released!

I somehow managed to survive form, as well a first and second period due to most of the class being tied down after what happened last chapter and the fact that Fate seemed to be on holiday. Mind you I was still on edge due to the fact that France would doubtlessly have more experience in being tied down due to... various reasons, and might be able to slip his binding's while I could not, which would make me a very sad little boy also due to various reasons.

But enough about that, what brought about the insanity today started in third period. I was sitting in my chair, still feeling very scared due to the fact that France was looking as me and seemed to be somehow licking the duct-tape on his mouth, when the teacher spoke up.

"Very well, class I have a new assignment for you!" Said the Teacher. "It's a report on one major influential figure in history and why you chose them. We will be working in groups of four-"

France's eyes seemed to glow with an evil inner light and he somehow managed to pull a grin worthy of Light at the end of the series even though it was covered with duct tape.

I suddenly felt a deep primal fear reverberating down my spine.

"-furthermore," the teacher continued. "I will be choosing the groups-"

"Why?" I interrupted. "I mean, it's not like it's going to change anything, all your going to get is some incomprehensible, possibly mentally damaging, scrawl on a piece of paper from each why not let us choose our own groups or even better let us work alone, or more importantly let _me_ work alone!"

The Teacher sighed. "Because this way I can put you all in groups with your polar opposites, that way the various types of stupidity might balance out somehow to produce something resembling a _sane _piece of school work for me to mark and I'll a actually go through a weekend _without_ suffering a nervous breakdown for once. Or you'll just kill each other, whatever works."

"So you're saying that you don't really care if we live or die so long as you don't have to see the psychiatrist this week?"

The Teacher smiled, left eye twitching ever so slightly. "Exactly!"  
I stared. ".... You know, if I still had money, I would hire you."  
"I'm sure you would." The teacher took out a large piece of cardboard and stuck it to the whiteboard at the front of the classroom. "When class ends you can all come up here to find out who you're grouped with."

America blinked. "Why not let us go up now?"

The teacher looked at America with a slightly off-balanced look in her eyes. "Because that would mean untying you all, and I'm afraid to do that after all I've been through this year. Don't worry though as soon as the bell goes I'll be out of here faster than you can blink and whichever poor janitor drew the short straw today will let you all loose!" The teacher gave a little giggle. "Oh and you had all be on your best behaviour or I'll tell them to let Francis here go first!"

Needless to say we all shut up instantly. Eventually the Bell rang and we were set loose (France after everyone else had retreated to a safe distance). I went up to the cardboard and quickly spotted my own name, beneath to my name was... Oh god.

My group was listed as the following:

Rivers (aka: Near, The white one)

France (aka: Francis, The rapist)

Russia (aka: Ivan, The guy with the water pipe, Jack the Ripper's little brother)

Aizawa (aka: Super Afro Nurse, The guy with the 'fro)

**Near: 11 Fate: 17**

Can anyone else see why this line up is a problem? France is going to be raping... well everyone really, Russia going to be destroying everyone and Aizawa will be... well I don't really know what he's going to be doing and I don't want to know, I'm traumatised enough dammit!

Anyhow, I don't have top get started for a few days so I'll be safe from them for the time being. Right then I had a more pressing issue, as I mentioned during the last chapter I had a limited amount of time left before I have no choice but to use the Slash Note or go through a hell even worse than the current one that passes as my daily life.

As I happened to value my sanity and Virginity (both of which would be compromised in the event that I failed to use the Slash Note by the set date) I decided that I had to resolve the situation as soon as possible. This of course meant that I would have to select two or more people for the... ''incident'.

As soon as I got home, looked in the various places France or some other highly sexual person might be hiding and activated the lock down protocols in my room I got started on choosing who would fall prey to the Slash Note from a list of prospective victims.

I quickly crossed off all the remaining Death Note cast as they happen to belong to this world and that meant that if permanent damage was done I would have to live with it, and I don't want to live with a sex-crazed homosexual, or heterosexual or anything-sexual for that matter. I've had more than enough of that thank you very much.

I next moved onto the Axis Powers: Hetalia characters. I quickly crossed off England, America, Germany and Italy due to the fact that if I made them have sex with anyone else they might kill me (or in the case of Italy just sic Germany on me). And if I made them have sex with each other their fans would kill me for ruining the unresolved sexual tension.

I eventually whittled the list down to two candidates... and smiled as I wrote their names into the Slash Note.

A few minutes later I heard Italy screaming. I quickly got up and unsealed my door only to be knocked down the wailing Italy.

"Get off me." I said, annoyed that I was being crushed by what amounts to pure unleaded incompetence.

"Help!" He screamed, seemingly not noticing the fact that he was crushing the person who he was trying to get to help him. "It's horrible, it's disgusting,, it's pure undiluted **EVIL**!"

"What, did England start a restaurant?"

"No!" Screamed Italy, who is a lot heavier than he looks, he should lay off the pasta. "F-France and Russia a-are... IT'S TOO HORRIBLE!" He burst into tears. AT that moment the fruits of my labours became evident as the sounds of mind bending horror came floating up the stairway.

"Oh.. Oh RUSSIA!" Moaned France. "Hit me one more time!"

"Okay!" Came Russia's sing-song voice. There was a crack and France began moaning again.

Italy turned his haunted eyes back to me. "See what I mean!" He suddenly ran off screaming somewhere, probably back to happy places with Pasta and girls that aren't actually demons from my nightmares who want to rape little boys.

Anyhow I guess that the particularly stupid among you want to know what exactly just happened. Well it's like this: I had no choice but to use the Slash Note, I still had quite a bit of time left but knowing Fate if I left it any longer they would probably find some way to make use the Slash Note against myself. So I took initiative and used the Slash Note for my benefit, in this case Russia and France had become my team-mates for a school project, this was obviously unacceptable so settled on them as my victims.

Thanks to the Slash Note I was able to specify how long Russia and France would have 'intimate relations' and how they would have them. Suffice it to say that due to this encounter France will not be doing much of anything for the next few days while Russia will be trying to figure how exactly he got his pipe in there and how to get it out.

It's only a few days of peace from them but it was worth it, and for some reason I enjoyed playing the part of Fate for those two...

**The Score: Near: 12 Fate: 17**

**13th of December**

**The Yagami household**

**Resisting the urge to cackle evilly**

**Nate Rivers**


	28. Lesson 27: Group Assignments Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations. I also do not own Lady Gaga.

Slash Note:

How to use

X

A Slashygami may make the Slashygami eye-trade with the owner of this note in exchange for the human to be used as the Slashygami's personal sex slave for the next twelve hours.

XI

The human who makes the Slashygami eye trade will posses the Slashygami eyes. This means that the human shall be able to see the real names of all other humans, in addition to this they will be able to see all other humans sexuality (Heterosexual, Bisexual and Homosexual) as well their fetishes next to the humans name.

XII

The sexuality of the human whose name is written in this Note has no bearing on the effect of the Note, even if they are Heterosexual they will be rendered Homosexual for the duration of the Slash Note's effects.

Hello once again, it is I, L the third, the master of deception and sole sane man in the hell that is known as this guide. A quick thought (I have a lot of these don't I, still I'm sure that all you nice, normal people balance things out you _slow_ ones) if this is a guide then where exactly is the 'guide' part going to come? I mean, so far its basically just a recording of the daily insanity through which I must suffer for the sake of you sadistic spectator's. Still that's the reason why you read this thing anyway isn't it, I mean, it's not like you actually want any advice in how to survive high school or you would go to your friends, or maybe you really _are_ looking for advice and came to me because you don't have any friends, in which case I feel for you as I to have no friends, only people I used to pay to carry out my plans and feed me occasionally and _they_ abandoned me to join a spread-worshipping cult.

Anyhow you didn't come here to listen to how I was abandoned by my very well paid employees in favour of a penniless Jam-cult lead by a sex-crazed serial killer, no you came here to find out what happened today to warrant me making a new entry into this journal.

Well as I'm sure you remember, last chapter I used the power of the Slash Note to make France and Russia have brutal, prolonged, possibly and probably malicious, sex involving Russia's drainage pipe (the character's, not the countries before you give yourself a migraine trying to work out how two land masses could have sex of any sort with or without a drain-pipe). Thanks to this I had a few days of relative peace once I managed to trick Aizawa into eating some of England's scrambled eggs (I'm damn certain that one them blinked at me) and he was rushed off to hospital, however this was not to last.

As you should know the reason why I was able to get some peace was because France and Russia were otherwise occupied. France was busy undergoing anal reconstruction surgery (three more and we get a twenty percent discount!) and Russia was trying to retrieve his pipe from a very unfortunate place, however peace, as always in this fic, never lasts and when I finally returned home today the insanity started once more...

As walked into the hallway I was suddenly set upon by Aizawa in a nurses dress.

"Welcome home Near!" Shouted Aizawa. "Russia and France have been waiting for you all day!"

_Well that's a sentence that would give anyone nightmares_, I thought to myself. "Er, sorry but I['ve really got to go to my room right now because.... I'm bidding for something on Ebay, so I have to get to my computer right now!"

Aizawa gave me a weird look. "Mr Yagami cut off your internet access after we maxed out the download on your computer on Porn."

"...I bought a wireless connection." I lied, trying not to think about the fact that at least Aizawa had at some point been in my room without my knowledge.

"No you haven't, the only places you've been are School and the house for the past few weeks!" Replied Aizawa.

I suddenly felt an intense fear and looked at Aizawa with wide eyes. "Have you been stalking me?!"

"Um, er..." Aizawa shifted uncomfortably. "Hey look, France and Russia are waiting for us, it would be rude to keep them waiting!" And with that Aizawa grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the living room.  
When my world stopped spinning I found myself in between the T.V. and the couch with a mild case of carpet-burn and with both Russia and France sitting on the couch, staring at me expectantly.

"OH GOD! PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!" I screamed and curled up into a little ball. "KILL ME IF YOU WANT BUT DON'T DEFILE ME!"

"Now now, I'm not going to rape you," France said in a soothing tone. "My Doctors say I can't have sex for at least four more hours."

"I peeped at him with one eye. "What about 'mother Russia' over there?"

Russia smiled brightly at me. "Don't worry, my pipe says I'm not allowed to have any fun with little boy's as punishment for being stuck in there." He waved said pipe.

"... um, okay." I uncurled and felt uncomfortable as Aizawa joined them on them couch and started staring at me. "Well if you don't want to rape me then why did you want me?"  
Russia smiled. "We have a school project remember, we have to choose someone important and say why we chose them- wait, pipe wants to say something." He held his pipe next his ear with a serious expression. "Oh, um, oh dear! Is that so? He looked at us again. "Pipe says we should choose Stalin because he made Russia great!"

"Hey now, Stalin's no match for my Madame De Pompadour!" Snapped France.

"We should choose Lady Gaga!" Said Aizawa.

Things went downhill from there, Russia claimed that Stalin had two votes because 'Pipe' voted for him as well. France said that inanimate objects didn't get a vote, Aizawa said that if 'Pipe' got a Vote then so did his toilet plunger which he promptly pulled out of a place which it could not have possibly have fitted. Unfortunately Russia took this as a challenge towards Pipe and he attacked Aizawa, leading to a sort of demented sword fight consisting of two really odd swords and even odder wielders.

"Ha!" Yelled Aizawa. "My Plunger easily outmatches your crude steel!"

"Pipe is going to break you and crush you and stomp you into goo!" Said Russia, looking happy.

"Oh yeah, well Plunger can make boys give birth! What can Pipe do!"  
"Pipe can break stuff, like you!" Russia swung down and smashed Mr Yagami's favourite coffee mug.

"Oh yeah, take this!" Shouted Aizawa as he 'stabbed' at Russia's head. Russia, having broken Coffee mug couldn't bring 'Pipe' up in time to block it.

There was a sudden silence.

"Um... well this is awkward," noted Aizawa scratching his head.

"Mrrrphh!" Mumbled Russia through the toilet plunger now attached to his face.

Wow, that's such a cool accessory!" Gasped France. "I just _have_ to have one!" And with that France jumped off the couch and ran out the house.

"Er... Aizawa let go of the plunger and turned to me so that Russia was behind him. "I guess.. this means I win, right?"

Russia suddenly growled and swung Pipe up with the force a thousand angry vodka-deprived peasants.

Aizawa's face fell, evidently feeling the effects of the pipe currently lodged between his legs. Mommy.." he gasped in a pitch more suited to a mouse than a man (I'm not entirely certain that can he can be counted as one after this though) and keeled over.

Russia struck a victory pose and tried to say something only to be muffled by the plunger on his face before he to joined Aizawa on the floor due to oxygen deprivation.

And that, ladies and gentlemen was how I ended up having to do the work of our entire group on my own due to the other member''s of my group being either AWOL or otherwise 'occupied' in cupboard where I shoved them so I wouldn't keep tripping over them. I'm relatively sure that I should have called an Ambulance but unfortunately I'm broke so they can rot for a while, I suppose I should have detached the Plunger from Russia but unfortunately I was unable to do due to the fact that I couldn't be stuffed.

Hey, I mean, he's a nation right? He shouldn't die from lack of air, and even if he does Fate will find some way to bring him back to torment me some more, I guarantee it.

Well, I really have to get back to work to avoid failing and being kicked out of school and being forced spend all of my time at home without the meagre protection of the public education system... with no excuse to go out and get food that doesn't glow...

**The score: Near: 12 Fate: 18**

**16th of December**

**The Yagami household**

**Trying to complete my assignment**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: MRegent.2 here, hey people! You do realize that you can send in challenges don't you? I haven't had any in a really long time so I just thought I'd remind you. Oh and in case any of you missed the Author's Note in Chapter 26, if you're interested in Bleach (or not) go to my favourites list on my profile and have a look at 'Uninvited Guests', it's one of the best fanfic's I've ever read, on Par with Hitsugia's guide to high school (it even has a storyline!). Oh and how come hardly anyone reviews nowadays, if you don't review then I'll have no motivation to update...**


	29. Lesson 28: Childcare

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use

XIII

Repeated use of the Slash Note on one human is possible, meaning their name can be entered multiple times into the Slash Note. However, only one sexual encounter is possible at a time, so writing the humans name again in this Note or another Note while an encounter is already taking place will have no effect.

XIV

The Slash Note may be used on one human seven times. After the seventh time their name has been entered in this Note, this Note and any other Slash Note will have no effect on them. However this matters little as after the seventh use of the Slash Note on a human the human becomes purely Homosexual permanently (if originally Heterosexual or Bisexual) and spend the remainder of their lifetime attempting to have sex with all other members of their gender.

XV

If the owner of this Note fails to write at least one name into this note every thirteen days they will be transformed into a Slashygami and be forced to spend the rest of eternity in an orgy with Shinigami's Ryuk and Rem and the humans Matsuda and Aizawa. The only exceptions to this rule are human who have never written a name into the Slash Note, in this case they have a total of ten weeks to use the Slash Note.

Well hello, once again it is I, Near, engraving my sorrows unto the paper which you foul creatures call a guide to High School but is truly a document of my suffering for the sake your twisted pleasures.

Well enough of that, lets get this over with. Today's bout of insanity began when I was at the breakfast table, trying to work out a way of escaping the thing in front of me.

"Well, eat up, you need your strength!" Said England in a happy tone.

I pocked the thing inn the plate before me with a plastic spoon, only to drop it as it turned to ash. "I wasn't aware that porridge was supposed to glow..."

"What are you talking about?"

"The porridge you made, it's brighter than most of the light-bulbs in here-"

"It is NOT glowing!" Snapped England.

I picked up the bowl and showed it to him.

".. No, it is most definitely NOT glowing, right Germany?!"

"Hrrrgh.." moaned a sickly Germany, a spoon still half in his mouth.

England turned back to me. "Germany says yes."  
I felt my eye twitch".. Right, you know what, I would love to eat your food but- LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S AMERICA ON A POGO STICK!" I jumped off my chair and tried to run only to be jerked by England grabbing the back of my Pyjamas.

"You didn't really expect that to work did you?"

"Er, yes actually." I scratched my head. "Especially as America actually is out there on a Pogo stick."

England blinked, "what-" he managed to get out before America suddenly crashed through the window on a bright red Pogo stick with stars and stripes.

"Hi everyone!" Yelled America, suddenly standing on his feet, somehow unharmed by having just crashed through a pane of glass. "What's up?"

England's eyes narrowed. "America..," he suddenly smiled. "Good, you're just in time for breakfast!"

America grinned as well. "Oh goody! What are we having?" He sat himself down at the table before on the bowls without looking in it.

"Just Porridge." Said England, still smiling.

America frowned. Well it's not my favourite but.." He picked up a spoon and was about to take some when he caught sight of the atrocity in the bowl. He slowly looked at England. "_You _made this didn't you?"

England nodded. "Yes, now eat it before it gets cold."

America smiled shakily, apparently noticing the sight of Germany dying a horrible, horrible death. "If it's all the same to you I think I'll pass-"  
England was suddenly behind America. "I SAID EAT IT BEFORE IT GETS COLD YOU UNGRATEFUL GIT SO EAT IT!" And with that England grabbed the spoon in America's hand, took some of the porridge from the bowl and tried to force it between America's lips.

"NOOO!" Screamed America. "I WANNA LIVE!"

In case of you were wondering about me at this point I was edging out the door, having been dropped by England like a sack of potatoes when he appeared behind Germany. Making certain that England was still trying to poison America I ran out the door as fast as I could, ignoring the agonised screams of a nation being forced into a prolonged, inhumanely horrific death.

It was normally at this point that I would have gone to the bus stop and hid until the bus came, however today was different as I was suddenly jumped from behind.

"AHH! RAPE! RAPE!" I screamed before a large hand covered my mouth.

"Be quiet, or do you want England to hear us?" I heard Mr Yagami say. A few seconds later we were hiding behind the house with Mrs Yagami.

"Ahh, it's a good thing we caught you Near, were getting desperate!" Said Mrs Yagami

"Erm, it's nice to see you too Mrs Yagami,"I looked around. "So why did you and Mr Yagami want to see me so badly? And how come you jumped me on my way to school, I thought France had come to.. do _things_ to me!"

Mr Yagami winced. "I got that, well you see we couldn't see you this morning because if England saw us we would all be dying slow, excruciatingly painful deaths, so we had to wait until you left for school and 'borrow'' you then."

"... And why did you have to jump me like a rapist?"

Mr Yagami stayed silent. I sighed, "let me guess, you want me to do something, or do something to me that I don't want to do or have done to me and the only way to stop me from running away was to drag me to a place where you could catch me if I ran off, right?"

"... You really are a genius."

"Not really, I'm just getting used to the insanity, the ball and chain was the clincher," I rattled the chain around my foot. Mrs Yagami looked embarrassed, apparently they didn't expect me to notice her attaching it.

"Well anyway, Sachiko and I need some time out after all we've been through for the past months so we've decided to go out today, but we need someone to take care of Mattello and Kira-"

"And you thought that since I've managed to survive being the centre of insanity for so long I would be the best choice." I finished.

"Exactly! Now well be back before half past three in the afternoon, try to stay alive, bye!" And with that the suddenly cheerful Yagami ran off into the car and drove far away from the household of hell.

And that ladies and gentlemen was how I wound up staying home today taking care of two impossible babies (and I mean literally impossible, neither of them were conceived in a way that was remotely sane or physically possible and they both had men for mothers).

*****

Okay, for the sake of brevity I won't bore you with minute details of what went on today in my position as baby-sitter for the Yagami's, instead I'll just tell you about the three lessons I learned of Baby-sitting reality-unfriendly children:

Lesson One: Changing Nappies:

Ah, changing Nappies, the age of old terror of every parent who was stupid enough to forget the protection and ended with a bun the oven (probably along with an extremely expensive and long-term mortgage thanks to said bun which you didn't want in the first place) or for some absurd reason that, despite all logic, wanted to have a child and thus went through nine months of carrying a parasite dangerously close to their bowels, then going through hours upon hours of agony as said parasite ripped their orange-sized head through a golf-ball sized hole, before being finally allowed to go home and spend the next few months taking care of the brat.

Anyhow, seeing as corks don't work the best option is to grit your teeth, put on some gloves and go to your happy place where there are no little people that do nothing but scream, eat and 'poop' all day that you're supposed to find cute.

Well I found out that this option doesn't always work because Mattello, being the highly energetic Zombie-human hybrid that he is seemed to have a fascination with my finger that involved attempting to detach said finger with his razor-sharp little teeth that should not have appeared this early (then again he was only carried for what, a month? So he probably more advanced than other babies, or maybe it's his Zombie instinct's kicking in and he senses that the only one with a working brain worth eating around here happens to be me).

In the end I shoved a carrot in his mouth (vegetables are getting more plentiful now that the elopers aren't around to... use them) and used some industrial-strength gloves to get the Job done. That and twenty or so darts worth of elephant tranquilliser but let not concentrate on that.

Next up was Kira, the child conceived by some unholy joining with Misa and Mello, in which Mello was the mother. Kira was surprisingly good, all you have to do is make sure to keep the miniature pistols away from him before he hurts himself, or more importantly, you. Seriously what was Mello thinking giving a baby a real working pint-sized pistols, did he want to spend quality time with his son on drive-bys, show him how to ruthlessly maim and murder police officers, teach him how to deal with 'squealers'?

Anyhow, I was eventually able to relieve Kira of both his 'toy' and his 'rubbish' via the use of tongs. Unfortunately for Mattello and Kira I don't know how to tie a Nappy so I just used duct-tape.

Lesson Two: Lunch:

Now, feeding babies is always messy, is doesn't matter what you feed them they will find a way to get it all over you and the floor you just cleaned, bread, ice cream, rat brains you name it they will make a mess of it.

The most efficient method I found was to give them an A-Grade creepy grin so they would pass out in fear, shove a feeding tube down their throats and pour in some mashed-up leftovers. All you have to do is made sure they have enough room to breathe occasionally otherwise the child will suffocate and you won't get the tube out until irreparable brain damage has occurred and their parents will be sad because their child has brain damage and you will be sad because you have spend a decade in jail with a serial rapist who may or may not have a friend named George who happens to be a straw doll that tells him to do things to little boys in white Pyjamas.

Lesson Three: Nap Time:

Okay, you would think that with the ease that I managed to scare them into sleep before this would be easy, well it turns out that doing so makes you have repeat lesson one again so that option was out of the question and I had no more tranquillisers left (besides a certain Zombie-Human hybrid seemed to recover too fast for my liking anyway) so I was stuck with two options:

A: Sing a lullaby.

B: Go to the Kitchen and try to whip up some home-made sedatives with whatever England hadn't yet managed to render toxic.

I, being the highly intelligent and reasonable person that I am did the smart thing and did what any sane person with a working brain cell would do in my situation.

Twenty minutes later the sedative was ready, unfortunately whenever England goes into a kitchen _nothing_ survives so it looking less like a sedative and more like radioactive water but those brats were tough.

As it turns out I was right, as usual, but , once again as usual, I was right in a _bad_ way. Turns out that Zombie hybrids and children with gender-challenged parents have an abnormally high resistance to toxic waste, in fact, it just makes them hyper.

_Very_ hyper.

In the end I managed to calm them down using a piece of string, two cans of vegetable juice and rubber stamp that was used in a way that rubber stamps are not supposed to used. Sadly, I must admit that it was at this point that I had to concede defeat and try to sing a lullaby.

Apparently babies have no taste because (according to their screams) they didn't like my singing voice one bit. Oh well, in the end I just resorted to my creepy grin and left them in their cot's, the Yagami's can deal with it when they get home dammit!

**The score Near: 12 Fate: 19**

**19th of December**

**The Yagami household**

**Watching TV**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: Thanks for all the challenges people, now I have a lot of ideas of what to do next in Near's Guide to High School, and as I've said for the past few chapter's go have a look at 'Uninvited Guests' by Moczo in my favourites, it's near the top, you won't regret it!**


	30. Lesson 29: Fateful Encounters

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers Hetlaia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use

XVI

It is possible to transfer ownership of the Slashygami eyes from one human to another through sexual intercourse. It is also possible to transfer ownership by betting them, or by giving them up willingly, in which case they will transfer to the other being immediately. Ownership of a Slash Note is not required.

XVII

If an inanimate object's name is written into the Slash Note then that object will become animated for the period of time in which the Slash Note is active.

XVIII

This Note will also effect on beings besides Humans, for instance if one wished to create a pairing involving a Human and a Shinigami then it would still take effect.

It is official, my life has become hell in all senses of the word, even more so I mean.

For those of you who are both wondering why I've made this comment and salivating for tales of my humiliation that will undoubtedly follow from such a comment let me point out two things you should have picked up on:

A: It has been one week since I first used the Slash Note to buy myself some time before having to endure having Russia and France as team-mates.

B: The rules that have appeared at the top of each chapter since Chapter 25.

For those of you who actually read the rules instead of just going on to my recounts you would have realised in Chapter 27 what was going to happen a week from when I used the Slash Note. For those of you who decided to skip them I'll repeat the rule of importance here:

VIII

Approximatively seven days after the Slash Note is first used by a human a Slahsygami shall descend from the Slashygami realm to haunt that human until the human dies or the ownership of the Slash Note is transferred to another human.

Now if you're still to stupid to realise what this means I'll explain it to you in small words: I used the Slash Note, the above rule states that if I use the Slash Note then in seven days a 'Slashygami' will appear. It has been seven days since I first used the Slash Note. Therefore Today was the day that the Slashgami was due to come down to haunt me.

The hell began today far later than usual, I had just left the High School and making my way home in the shadows to avoid being jumped by the fangirl's due to the fact that the school bus had mysteriously left without me. Not that that could have been anything due tom the fact that the Slashygami was due to arrive today, oh no, surely it a was a coincidence, right?

That was sarcasm for the dull ones among you.

Anyhow, there I was, making my way home in the hopes of avoiding being attacked by a dozen rabid pre-teens when suddenly there was a high pitched whistle, like the sound of something falling from a great height.

As this thought crossed my mind I looked upwards. Sure enough there was a rapidly growing black dot above me. Needless to say I ran as fast my short little legs could carry me (which is actually a lot faster than you would expect,running from rapists on a daily basis does wonders for the calves).

A few seconds later there a huge explosion behind me and I was thrown to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Once I had recovered I looked behind me to see that the pavement where I had been merely moment's before was now a giant crater. I felt the brief impulse to go and see what was inside, then I remembered point's A and B and ran off, once again as fast my little legs could carry me, and even faster once I hot-wired some random person's car.

Hey, if they didn't want it to be stolen they should have bought better locks, it's not my fault if they're cheapskates!

Anyhow, there I was, trying to drive away from the crater where something insane from the heavens had doubtlessly fallen. Unfortunately I happen to have height issues so people kept getting the way and I kept running them over, I would have stopped but I don't know where the brake is and their pain is a small price to pay for my sanity.

Anyhow I eventually got home after crashing into the Yagami car, crawling out of the wreckage and running through the open door. I quickly made my way to my room, spraying France with perfume in the eyes as he jumped from behind the door (ever had a blast of perfume in the eyes, it's agony, but it's hilarious when it's done to France) and running up the stairs before England found out I was home and decided to make me dinner.

Once I was in my room I sighed in relief, knowing I was safe as I activated the emergency lock-down sequence, sealing the room.

"Hey, how are you doing?" A voice asked from behind me.

I shrieked and turned around, pressing my back to the door. Before me stood a woman with bright red hair in her early thirties in black power-suit, hanging at her waist in small leather pouch like Ryuk's was a small notebook with the words 'Slash Note' in curly sliver writing.

"I take it you're the Slashygami?" I asked.

The woman grinned. "Oh honey I'm much more than that!"

I frowned, "what do you mean, do you have more powers than a Slashygami?"

The woman kept of grinning, a nasty gleam entering her eye. "Oh yes, a _lot_ more power than just a Slashygami."

I kept on frowning, inching away away from the woman with the creepy grin and the evil eyes. "So you're not just a Slashygami, so what are you?"

The woman started walking around my room, absently kicking some of my toys out of the way. "Well I suppose you _could_ say that I'm the God of this world." She grinned again. "I have ultimate power here and I can make anything happen..."

I felt my eyes widen in horror. "Y-you don't mean..."

The woman giggled, and I felt like screaming. "Oh, you worked it out already, such a smart little boy!" She suddenly appeared in front of me and pinched my cheek. "That's why you're s much fun to mess with!"

I backed away, clutching my cheek, I kept trying to speak but I couldn't bring myself to talk to the abomination in front of me.

The Slashygami frowned again. "You know, you're a lot more entertaining when you're ranting about insanity... oh well."She started smiling again, somehow portraying evil in it's purest form. "Anyhow, thanks to you using the Slash Note I now get to follow you around whenever I want, no-one else can see me unless I want them to and I'm immortal so there's no point in trying to get rid of me."

I finally found my voice. "Y-you, how dare you! Do you have any idea how much hell I've been through thanks to you!?"

"Oh yes, I measure it in laughs." The evil woman before me kept on grinning. "Well we're going to be together for a very long time so I suppose we should formally introduce ourselves right?" The Slashygami bowed again. "Nice to meet you Nate Rivers, I am Fate."

**The Score: Near: 12 Fate: 20**

**20th of December**

**The Yagami household**

**Trying not to cry**

**Nate Rivers**


	31. Lesson 30: How to survive Christmas

I do not won Death Anote: Axis Powers: Hetalia, or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use

XIX

If owner of this Note transferrers ownership to another Human they will be transformed onto a Slashygami and forced to have an twenty four hour orgy with all the humans whose names they have written into the Slash Note, this will take effect even if those humans name have been written more than seven times. After twenty four hours have elapsed they will be changed back into their true form, however they will retain the Slashygami eyes, whether they want to or not.

XX

There is no time limit for how long the Slash Note is effective, if one's name was written into the Note for a pairing a year from the time of writing the Note would still be effective.

XXI

In the event that one of the pairing whose name has been written into this Note is already dead at the time of copulation they will be resurrected for the extent of the encounter.

Hello once again, it is I, Near.

Doubtlessly you were all left reeling by Fate's new presence in this Fic. Personally little has changed in my opinion except for the fact I now have an extremely obnoxious stalker no one else can see.

I suppose I should give you the seasons greetings but, for I feel are obvious reasons, I couldn't care less. Thanks to today Christmas is now one of my most hated days of the year, but also one of my favourites at the same time. I know It doesn't make any sense but you'll have to read on to understand.

I woke up today to find Fate staring at me.

"ARRRGHHHH!" I screamed, trying to back away to find I was still under the covers of my bed.

"Hmm, what's the matter, don't like waking up to pretty women above you in bed?"

I screamed again, making sure that the covers were still keeping the personification of all evil from skin contact, "YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN! YOU'RE A DEMON FROM THE PITS OF HELL WHO, UNLIKE A REAL WOMAN, CAN RAPE LITTLE BOYS AND WILL INFECT THEM WITH EVERY STI IUNDER THE SUN AND MAKE THEM PREGNANT WITH EVIL MUTANT ZOMBIE DECIPLETS!"

Fate blinked, "wow, I don't think I've even thought that one up, I've really screwed you up haven't I?"

I felt my eye twitch, "_you have no idea_."

Fate grinned again. "Yeah, well I think I can do better, so let's get started!" She suddenly grabbed me by the collar, deactivated the lock-down sequence and dragged me out of the room.

"Ahh, no, wait! What are you going to do to me!?" I shouted as I was dragged down the stairs by my mortal enemy.

Fate replied in a happy voice. "Don't you know what today is?"

I immediately racked my mind for an answer, _December Twenty-five, something about a Fate man in a red and white suit that breaks into people's houses..._

"AHH! NO! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO BE MUGGED BY A FAT BURGULER IN A RED AND WHITE SNOW SUIT!"

Fate froze and gave me a pitying look. "You had a really deprived childhood didn't you?"

"I was raised to replace an anti-social insomniac hermit with no friends, what do you expect?"

Fate shook her head. "Oh well, anyhow today is Christmas, you _have _heard of Christmas right?"

I glared at her, "of course you idiot, just because I forgot the day doesn't make me some kind of idiot!"

"That's debatable, anyway since today's _Christmas_ I decided to put in a _special _effort!" She declared cheerfully.  
"Oh dear lord what have you got for me now devil-woman?" I moaned as we landed on the bottom floor.

"Just wait and see!" Said Fate happily as she threw me to the ground.

I was suddenly picked up, this time around the wait and tucked under someone's arm, on closer inspection this arm turned out to be covered by a leather bomber jacket.

"America, put me down!" I snapped.

"Hey, I'm doing you a favour, if I had just left you after you fell down the stairs you would have missed out on the present-opening!" Came America's voice from above me.

I blinked. "The what?"

"Present-opening!" Repeated America as we came into the living room, where he dropped me to the ground. "It's when we open the presents we got from Santa!"

The living room had been transformed overnight, now where the T.V. used to be there was a large tree that could not have possibly have fitted through either entrance of the house, beneath it were dozens of large packages (one of which I swore was moving). The walls were covered in Christmas-themed wallpaper and the floor had a new green carpet with red pinstripes.

All around me were the Death Note and Axis Powers: Hetalia characters, all looking immensely cheerful.

Suddenly Mr Yagami spoke up and the room parted around him. "Merry Christmas everyone!" He said cheerfully. "It's now the time we've all been waiting for: let's open our gifts!"

And with that everyone in the room surged forward, leaving me behind. I sat there for a bit before I noticed Fate poking me.

"Hey," she said. "Aren't you going to open your present?"

I death-glared her. "No, even if I didn't suspect your inevitable involvement in this I would never open any of the gifts for fear of what this crow would get me, I mean, France would give me something that should be illegal and England would do the same, if it was food anyway, and let's not even get into what the people who are actually _supposed_ to be in this dimension would send me." I suppressed a shudder at the thought of Matsuda trying to get me anything, I mean, he would probably get me something made in China which would quickly fall apart and reveal razor-sharp edges which would cut open my soft little hands like a hot knife through half-melted ice-cream.

"Well if you're going to make this difficult I'm going to have to be more proactive." Fate sighed and grabbed me by the back of the shirt.

"H-hey, what are you doing?" I tried to wriggle my way out of her grasp, the only way out the situation was if I dropped out of my shirt, which I could not do due to the fact that France was in the room and would doubtlessly do many illegal things to me if he caught me without a shirt on, all of which would make me sad.

"Being more proactive," replied Fate, and with that she drew me back and threw me over the crowd, directly not the presents.

"Oh, hello Near." Said England as he noticed me. "Here, I have something for you!" He handed me a present with blue wrapping and red string.

"Um, thanks" I mumbled as I stuffed the present inside my shirt seeing as England was probably get mad with me for giving back his gift, thus prompting him to deliberately try to make a lethal meal to poison me with, which would would result in two possibilities:

A: England actually succeeding, creating something even more poisonous than his usual cooking, thus resulting in the death of anyone who breathes in the fumes from his evil creation, which includes me as I have to live here.

B: England making the most delicious meal ever known to humankind, thus prompting millions to come and try some of England's cooking. This would include a good portion of evil perverts who would probably find out about me and try to rape me, and with those kinds of numbers one would eventually succeed and I would be sad.

So yeah, giving back his gift wasn't an option even though I could feel it was a pie of some-sort.

England smiled, pointing behind me, "oh, and by the way the big package over there with red wrapping and green trees all over it is yours as well."

I looked behind me to see a package taller than I was and about five times as wide. "The big one that keeps twitching?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"I see," I turned around and heeded back through the crowd, only to be stopped as someone grabbed my shoulder and started dragging me back.

"You should know by now there's no point in resisting," said Fate conversationally as she dragged me back through the crowd to where the large package was. "I mean, I've even been ahead in this stupid little competition of yours for ages, not to mention I've been kicking your butt for the last few chapters so why don't you just give up already? It'll make things a lot easier on both of us."

"_**NEVER!**_" I hissed with the rage of a thousand dying universes.

Fate gave me a creeped-out look, then she shrugged.. "Oh well, I guess it's more fun this way anyway, oh look here we are, have fun!" And with that She threw to the ground (again), reached over to the large package and tore open the front.

It was then that I realised the worst possible thing that could have happened had just occurred.

The event that haunted my nightmares and made wake up in a cold sweat.

The reason I looked both ways before crossing the street.

Within the overly large package were Light Yagami, L Lawliet, Mail Jeevas, Miheal Keehl and Beyond Birthday, all engaged in some sick orgy.

The Elopers had returned.

**Near: 12 Fate: 21**

"Oh wow," said Fate. "I know I said before that I was beating you but I didn't know by how much, you really do suck you know that?"

"Shut up she-devil," I hissed, fighting the urge to cry.

The Eloper's seemed to noticed us, finally. "Oh hey Dad," said Light. "Nice to see you again!"

"I HAVE RETURNED MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!" Three guesses to who that was. "I HAVE COME TO LEAD THE FORCES OF THE JAM TO VICTORY OVER THE FOUL PEANUT-BUTTER ONCE AGAIN!"  
"Dammit, just as my ears had finally healed!" Swore Mr Yagami.

"Hmm, it would appear that we have finally returned to our own universe after all this time, a shame, I wanted to stay in candy-world a little while longer," sighed L.

"OH HELL YES! you hear that Matt, we're finally home!" Cheered Mello. "That means we can finally get more lubricant!"

I'm sure Matt would have tried to say something if he was earlier in the decomposition stage.

Anyhow it was at this moment that they all noticed me again, oh joy. There were a few seconds of silence among them then...

"THE JAM CALLS THE EARS!"

"I'm getting the head!"

"Matty wants the back!"

"I suppose his feet will have to do..."

I shrieked and tried to barge my way through the crowd of people searching through their presents, only to find the press of bodies impenetrable. I suddenly dragged back by my collar and thrown to the floor (how many times is that now?) to see Light with his 'exactly as planned' face on, less than a second later the rest of the Elopers appeared around him.

"Oh please, just kill me first!" I begged, I heard Fate laughing like a hyena.

Evil witch.

Light shook his head. "Sorry, no can do, you have to be alive or it doesn't count."

I closed my eyes, about to give in at last suddenly, a thought occurred to me. "Hey, just out of curiosity before I'm brutally raped, how come I haven't seen Sayu around lately, I mean, I don't think I managed to get rid of her with the rest of you after all."

There was a sudden silence.

"Actually, that's a good question, where is Sayu anyway?" Asked Light.

"I don't know, we just assumed she went with the rest of you." Replied Mr Yagami..

I opened my eyes again, resisting the urge to so scream when I saw the Eloper's above me., I turned my head towards where Fate was standing, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

You just forgot about her didn't you?" I asked.

Fate looked the other way, "no I just... concentrated on other methods to drive you insane is all..."

"Yeah right, then why isn't she around here, when you've so obviously decided to return to form with the Elopers?"

Fate looked around, trying to avoid the question. "Um, er, hey! Look, a giant pig!"

"I'm not that stupid." I said, annoyed. I only then noticed the confused expressions of those around me. "Is something the matter?"

"Um, who are you talking to? There's no one there," said Light.

"Er, no one," I said quickly. "But..." I grinned as I suddenly had an idea. "Why don't we celebrate Christmas together!"

We already are," pointed out Light.

"No, not like that I mean, just between the six of us, with pie!" I took England's Christmas present out of my Pyjama shirt, tearing off the wrapping as I did so.

Fate's jaw dropped. "Oh no, don't you dare, I was planning on making you eat that later and resurrect you as a sex-obsessed Zombie like Matt!"

"Okay," said Light, grabbing a piece of the already-sliced pie (conveniently sliced into six pieces, apparently England expected me to share it with company). The other Eloper's followed suit.

"All together now..." I said, taking a piece of the pie. "One, two three!" I pretended to bite into my own slice as the Eloper's bit into theirs.

"NOOOO!" Howled Fate, "damn it how am I supposed to work with these morons!?"

She had a point, for at that moment all the Elopers dropped to the ground, the Pie's still half in the mouths, obviously dead.

This includes Matt, apparently England's cooking can kill the dead.

"Damn it!" Snapped Fate, walking over to kick Light in the face.

"Arrgh! How come everyone hates my cooking!?" Spat England before stalking away.

**Near: 13 Fate: 21**

Fate turned to me as I got up. "Okay, you win this round little Near, but just wait until next time I'll-" she was cut off as I suddenly shoved the remaining piece of pie into her mouth. Her eyes widened as she tasted death mixed with essence of corruption.

Hm, just a quick question here, but how can England make pie filling glow green with only basic ingredient's?

Anyhow Fate toppled over, joining the Eloper's on the ground, moaning in pure agony.

"I think that's another point to me, wouldn't you agree?" I asked Fate smugly. "As you mentioned before, you're immortal, so even England's cooking can't kill you, just, but it will keep you out of commission for a while at least so I can enjoy some sanity for a while."

**Near: 14 Fate: 21**

Anyhow, after a bit more gloating and convincing the others that I was not, in fact, insane and that I should not go and see the Therapists again I managed to return to my room and write in this journal, joyously for once for I have managed to buy myself a few days of Sanity.

Well, until next time my avid readers, Merry Christmas!

**The score: Near: 14 Fate: 21**

**25th of December**

**The Yagami Household**

**Happily listening to the sound of Christmas Carols**

**Nate Rivers**


	32. Lesson 31: Staying sane at New Years Day

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use

XXII

In the event where it is impossible for the pairing to occur due to distance between the components of the pairing the all being's whose names were written after the firsts will be instantly teleported to the location of the being whose name was written into the Slash Note first.

XXIII

In the event a child is conceived through the power of this Note the child will be born a Slashygami.

XXIV

In the event that someone whose name is written in Slash Note seven times is already dead they will be resurrected as a Slashygami.

Happy new year you ignorant whelps.

As I'm sure you would have expected new year's at the Yagami household, said household being the centre of the insanity which so plagues me, was less than normal, and I mean less than 'Yagami household normal' which includes Anthropomorphic Personifications of various countries, an incredibly disturbed group of sex-addicts and dimensionally displaced persons as day-to-day trivialities.

I woke up today with a clear mind and a lovely sense of refreshment throughout my body. There were a number of reasons for this:

A: Fate still had trace amounts of England's cooking in her system, thus rendering her unable to do an6thing but moan in unimaginable agony and spit out the odd profanity in regards to me, England and occasionally the universe at large. Thus Fate's interference was non-existent, even if Fate herself was not, her immortality ensuring that she would survive no matter ho much she may wish otherwise.

B: Due to reason A I had spent the last few days relatively insanity-free, it turns out that when Fate's not messing with me the general insanity starts to fade away, making people act normal. Or at least as normal as they would be without the extra insanity Fate brings in bucket loads.

C: My room was sealed, meaning that no one could come in my room in the middle of the night, thus allowing me to be able to sleep easily without fear of waking up to find someone or something or Sayu deflowering me.

Anyhow, a quick recap of the day: I got dressed, had breakfast cooked by Mrs Yagami (who had decided that cooking everyone's meals was preferable to having to take care of them while they were slowly dying from food poisoning). Got to school having managed to dodge the fangirls, survived six periods of being locked in room with the cast of Axis Powers: Hetalia and Death Note (minus the elopers), managed to get home without being attacked and locked myself in my room.

All in all, a good day.

Of course, if everything had gone on like that then I wouldn't be writing this now would I?  
Apparently the fact that it was new years managed to draw Fate from her hell long enough to induce more of mine.

It was approximately seven O'clock that my brief respite from Fate's mechanics ended with a bang, literally.

I was sitting on my bed, minding own business while ruthlessly annihilating the Robot Republic with the Lego Empire when my steel door (with titanium **British** locks, seeing as England's put up with these idiots for millennia and still remains sane, anything made by him has to more or less insane proof) was blown off it's hinges, revealing the forms of the Elopers, Germany, Russia, Sayu and Prussia.

As I later found out, the hinges had been imported from China.

Anyhow, there I was, sitting on my bed with my toys when the Elopers and their friends broke down my door to get me. Some whom, as you should know, were recently deceased, but were 'somehow' alive again. Even Matt who had been in a state of undeath for the past dozen chapters were alive and well, as in 'not-zombie any-more' well.

Apparently Fate got sick of necrophilia.

"You, Albino boy!" Snapped Prussia, _look who's talking_. "Are you coming down or what? The new year's party's starting!"

"Um, no, I _like_ being away from you idiots."

"Awww," Russia's face was sad. "That hurts Near... _**so now I'm going to have to hurt you back**_."

I was suddenly seized by the collar, Russia apparently having crossed the room faster than I could blink. I caught sight of Russia's twisted grin as he raised his pipe above my head and prepared to strike me with it.

_Oh well,_ I thought in what I believed to be my last moments. _It's been nice a life, well not really, more of sort of mildly enjoyable, or occasionally bearable... oh what the hell, it's been a prolonged living hell, the likes of which would give grown men nightmares and deprive sanity from anyone unfortunate enough to live it. Why am I even complaining about this, I should be celebrating it, come on Russia, smite me with thy shiny pipe so that I might depart into the fields of the afterlife where I shall dwell in peace, harmony and sanity._

As you can see, I think really fast.

Well not really, when you get down to it, it's just that all of you think really slow. Anyhow, I had managed to come to terms with my impending doom in under a fraction of a second and was now eagerly waiting for Russia to start beating my soft little body into paste when suddenly...

"On second thought, you should really become one with me instead." Said Russia, throwing me down.

"...What?" I asked confused for a second from my new vantage point on the floor, Russia and the other's behind me before my brain started working again and I noticed that fact that they were indeed behind me and I had landed in a rather 'suggestive' position. "Wait, no, can't we just go back to the whole bashing-my-brains-out-with-ancient-plumbing-thing we had going on a moment ago?"

"Hmm, no, I think it'll be more fun this way!" Russia's voice cheerfully informed me, suddenly Russia's pipe hooked itself under my chin, dragging my head back so I could escape. "And just for fun I'll let everyone else join in as well, so that everyone can become one with me!"

**Near: 14 Fate: 22**

"Oh really, that's so generous!"

"Exactly as planned."

"THE JAM IS MOST PLEASED!"

"I'll bring carrots!"

"... Fine, but I'll be bringing Italy as well."

"Okey-dokey, but I get the front!"

"Nah, I think I'll sit this one out." I managed to force my head back far enough to catch sight of Prussia standing with folded arms, leaning against the doorway. "I'm too awesome for a virgin to handle."

_What, could this be that fabled thing? That old legend, the fabulous myth... is this a… a stroke of good luck?_

"Aww, but Prussia, don't you want to become one with me?" Asked Russia in a hurt tone.

"Hell no you plumbing-dependant, Vodka-addicted, Schizophrenic, paedophile." Snapped Prussia.

There was a sudden silence.

"Okay, have it your way," said Russia cheerfully. "I suppose we'll just have let Pipe join in as well."

I felt my eyes bulge in horror.

"Oh don't worry," said Russia, smiling as he caught my expression. "Pipe's a virgin too so there's nothing to be embarrassed about!"

_Oh well the extremely hard and potentially lethal plumbing which has been used to bludgeon nations into submission for the past century, been who-knows-where, or rather I-wish-I-didn't-know-where is a virgin too despite having been in Russia's ''special place', that's makes it all right then._

"Er, I don't suppose I could say no to all you could I?" I asked, not so much for an answer but to buy some time.

Russia blinked, then he giggled (somewhere a bunny died that moment), "well of course you can silly!"

It was my turn to blink, "you mean I can't actually say no to all of you brutally raping me and you'll just not do it?'

Russia giggled again (he's going to have animal protection on his tail at this rate), "silly, of course you can say no, it just doesn't matter since we'll do it whether you want to or not, because all will become one with Russia so there's no point in delaying the inevitable."

I gulped in horror, then an idea occurred t me. "Wait, I have something say before- mpph!" My speech was impeded by the presence of Light's hand on my mouth.

"Sorry about that," he turned to the others. "It's just that every time we try to deflower him he says something just as we're about to get on with it and he somehow manages to escape."

**Near: 14 Fate: 23.**

Russia nodded. "I see. Well then let's get on with it."

And thus the Eloper's and co descended upon me, Nation, human and the thing known as Sayu Yagami united in their goal to rape a little boy in pyjamas.

Then I bit Light's finger.

"Arggh!" Yelped Light, dragging his hand away from my mouth. "He bit me!"

Mello sighed, "his first fetish, I'm so proud!"

"It's not a fetish you idiot!" I snapped, trying to get the taste of Light's finger out of my mouth. "Anyway like I was saying before, aren't you people missing something?"

"Like what?" Asked L suspiciously.

I grinned internally. "Didn't you hear what Russia said a moment ago he used his catchphrase in reference to deflowering me, this means he's linked military invasion with sex."

"...And?" Asked Light, not noticing the fact that the nations in the room had turned pale.

"We'll if Mother Russia here has linked sex to his goal in life, taking over the world, that means that Russia's developed the same... tendencies as France. Now tell me, how do like the idea of living in a world with a sex-obsessed Russia, since you all know what Russia's like..."

There was a sudden silence.

Then there was screaming.

Then there was silence again.

**Near: 15 Fate: 23**

"Well that was fast," remarked Russia, noticing the extreme speed at which the room had evacuated. "So, I get how that was supposed to get rid of everyone else but how did you think that was going to get rid of pipe and me?"

"Oh it wasn't," replied I. "_This_ is: OHHH BEEEELARRRUSSS! YOUR BROTHER'SWAITING FOR YOUUUU!" I shouted at the top of my voice, loud enough to reach everyone in a square mile radius.

"Oh I hate you." Said Russia.

"OHHH NIII-CHHHAAAN!" Came Belarus's voice from down the hallway. "I'M COMING TO MARRY YOU!"  
"OH GOD HELP ME!" Screamed Russia as he jumped off me and ran off up the hallway, taking his pipe with him.

**Near: 16 Fate: 23**

And that ladies and gentlemen was how I avoided being raped for the umpteenth time, not that I'm complaining about that, I'm complaining about, you know, the repeated attempts at rape.

Anyhow, thing's were looking up for me, so I, being extremely intelligent, went and ordered some new hinges for my door and hid in the toilet. This was due to the inevitable fact that since Fate involved, there was no way in hell I was getting off that easily.

I, of course, was right. Though I _really_ wish I was wrong. I was sitting on the toilet (not actually going to the toilet. Just sitting on top of it with the seat down. A bathroom is a wonderful refuge) , minding my own business when suddenly the door was blown off it's hinges.

The Yagamis really need to stop buying Chinese hinges.

"Oh, hello Near." Said Matsuda, looking a bit wobbly and wearing a maid costume for some absurd reason that may or may not have had something to do with the nurses hat on his head. "Do you mind scooting over, I need to throw-urrrghh."

Lets just say he didn't need to use the toilet any-more. Partially because he had already thrown up and partially because he promptly passed out in his recently-evicted stomach contents.

Not entirely sure what was going on but knowing that Fate had found me, I decided to leave when I suddenly found myself being held up by my shirt.

"Ha, there you are Near!" Grinned Aizawa in his Super Afro Nurse outfit. "I thought we'd never find you!" I hoped the same. "The countdown to midnight's about to start- hey where's Matsuda?"

Matsuda moaned slightly from his position under Aizawa's feet.

"Oh well, who cares about Matsuda anyway, let's get going!" And with that Aizawa put me over his shoulder and ran out of the house, crashing through one of the window's rather than going through the back door as most sane people would do, earning a large number of cut on his arms and legs, it was okay though, luckily we happen to have a nurse.

"FOUND HIM!" Yelled Aizawa, picking me up and showing me off like I was some kind of trophy. The back garden was now transformed into some kind of outdoors celebration spot with hundreds of little electric light and tables heavy with food and everybody currently residing in the house who hadn't tried to mess with me after seven O'clock was there."HE WAS HIDING IN... the toilet!" Aizawa voice weakened. "Oh wow.. I don't feel.. so good..." and with that he dropped me and passed out from blood loss.

"Dammit!" Snapped Mr Yagami, "now I'll have to cover his hospital fees!"

"Oh well, at least we have little Near here." Smiled Mrs Yagami.

"OVER HERE RATARDS!" Shouted England from a podium in front of the back fence. "THE COUNTDOWN'S ABOUT TO START!" Suddenly a giant clock rose behind England, the hands indicating that it was the last minute of 2009, and the smallest counting the seconds away.

Apparently I spent a lot longer in the toilet than I thought.

"Yay!" Cheered America.

"Most certainly a cause for celebration." Said Japan.

"Damn it, I'm starting to feel old." Muttered Mr Yagami.

"Wait until you get to my age," replied England.

"YAAY!" Said Misa, who was recently released from hospital due to the bed shortage thanks to England taking the job at the school cafeteria.

"Let's start the countdown!" Yelled America, jumping up on the podium (kicking England into the crowd in the process). "TEN!"

"Nine!" Shouted Italy.

"Eight." Said Canada quietly.

"Seven." Said Ide.

"Six!" Shouted Watari, clearly enjoying himself. Probably because he somehow mixed up Russia's vodka for his medication earlier.

It was then that I noticed a rocket on the stage. Now this was a cause for concern all on it's own, after all in this place what isn't? But what made this rocket especially eye catching was because it shaped in such a way as to make it unsuitable for children  
"What the f&^," snapped England, pushing his way through the crowd upon seeing the rocket. "When did that get there? DAMMIT ALFRED I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET F*&^%$% FRANCE CHOOSE THE FIREWORKS!"

"ONE!" Screamed Commander Rester, the rest of J.A.M. Behind him cheering.

Suddenly the rocket shot upwards, flying into the night sky until it thankfully disappeared from view. Then, less than a second later at the very moment 2009 ended and 2010 began there was an explosion of multicoloured lights in the shape of the following words:

**HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!**

**MAY PEACE AND FGOOD FORTUNE COME YOUR WAY!**

**AND MAY ALL YOUR ORGIES HAVE LUBRICANT!**

**Near: 16 Fate: 24**

"F*&^%$#-FROG-FACE-FRANCE!" Swore England. "Now I'm going to have _that_ in my head every new years day!"  
"Oh my..." said Mrs Yagami.

"..."Mr Yagami appeared to be in a state of shock.

"COOL!" Said America. "NOW LET'S PARTY!" And with that America jumped from the podium and started crowd-surfing.

Fortunately during all the commotion I was able to edge away into the house, fearing for my sanity and virginity I quickly made my way toward my room only to be stopped by a sudden voice.

"Damn it..." came a low hissing voice. Feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand up I slowly turned around to see Fate sitting on a stool in the kitchen, sitting in front of a window through which one could see America playing twister with the J.A.M.

Fate looked terrible, her eyes were red and puffy, her skin white as alabaster and she was shivering despite the fact that her body was covered with several large blankets.

"Well I see England's cooking still in your system." I noted in a snide tone.

Fate sneezed. "... A^%$#*, I had my stomach pumped a few days ago."

Wow, apparently England's cooking can even make Immortals deathly ill for days after it's left their system.

I should sell it to the U.S. Army to make some cash, then again who knows what those idiots would do with the ultimate Bio-weapon...

"Yeah, whatever, you should be grateful that I'm not at full power or I would have _really_ made this a new years to remember," I think that was supposed to be intimidating but it kind of ruined by Fate suddenly coughing up blood. "I was so looking forward to today.." she whined. "I had so much planned, France would be raping everyone with cheese and you would finally be deflowered by the elopers, and that was just the morning... instead I'm so sick I can barely pull this half-a%$# effort... arrghhh!" She moaned, looking like a little girl having just seen her beloved pet puppy run over by a monster truck.

"My heart bleeds for you." I replied in a deadpan tone. "Why I'm positively weeping with sympathy on the inside."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh while you can, because when I'm back in my feet I'm going to pay you back so hard you'll cry." Sneered Fate before sneezing again.

"Don't worry, your sheer pitifulness already has me in tears." And with that I walked up into my room, ignoring Fate as she tried to make a comeback only to dissolve into a bout of sneezing or coughing or dying. And here I am, writing in this Journal, anyhow it's time for me to go to sleep now that I've nailed shut my door, I'm going to need my strength for when Fate recovers.

**The Score: Near: 17 Fate: 24**

**1st of January 2010**

**The Yagami household**

**Telling the people downstairs to keep it down**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: I know this is nearly a week late people and I'm sorry, but to make up for I'm promising a new chapter really soon. Anyhow, don't forget to review, reviews make me happy, and when I'm happy I write, and when I write I update.**


	33. Rebellion Entry 1: The AngloNear Pact

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, McDonald's or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

The the chase begin!

Welcome dear readers to the latest instalment of Near's Guide to High School (though I doubt you people will ever have to deal with half the situations that arise in this hell).

Doubtlessly you're wondering what the 'chase' I mentioned before is all about? Well first I'd like to point out something, the fact that the Slash Note rules are gone. This is due to my rebellion against the guide!

Now I know that I've been at war with Fate for a while now and I suppose it could be counted as rebelling against the guide, but what I have done today is a true rebellion. From this point onward it is total war against Fate and her minions. I shall not rest until I have vanquished my most evil foe!

But enough chatter, as to the first questions I shall answer with a recount of today's events.

I woke up today feeling horrible. This was in part due to the fact that I would have to spend another day in my current existence composed of hyper-sexual Bisexual rapists, National personifications and inappropriate Jam.

However it was also due to the fact that the moment I opened my eyes I saw bright green ones staring right back at me.

"WHAT THE HOLY ^#%$!"

"Yeesh, calm down." Replied Fate. "It's not like I'm going to kill you-"

"What about raping me?" I asked, retreating under the covers.

"I think I'll pass, I'm not a paedophile." Replied Fate. "Anyhow, you'd better get up soon because today's a special day!"

I remembered the last time she woke me up. "Oh no, what have you got in mind now devil-woman?"

Fate giggled, making me want to cry. "Well if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it? Besides, I just managed to recover from England's cooking last night so I've got a lot of insanity to catch up on, not to mention some sweet vengeance to inflict so it doesn't really matter what day it is anyway, you're still screwed." And with that Fate cheerfully bounded from my room.

_Like hell I'm going to get up knowing that she's out there waiting for me!_ I thought to myself. _No instead today I'm going to stay in her and lock down my room so no-one can get inside!_

"Oh and Near?" Fate's voice came from the hall. "If you don't get up within the next few minutes I'm sending in the Elopers with dynamite to blow a hole through your door!"

"F$%#!" I swore.

*****

I managed to dodge England's and his eggs of severe gastric doom and eventually made my way to school, narrowly escaping a ball of squirming limbs that may or may not have been the Elopers and several garden hoses.

So there I sat, waiting in my classroom for whatever hell Fate had cooked up this time when suddenly one of the administration clerks walked into the psychologists nightmare that was our class.

"Greetings class." Said the Clerk. "I'm afraid your usual teacher was called in sick today so you have a substitute today!" She stood aside to allow entry into the classroom. "Please give a warm welcome to Miss Etaf!"

I'm sure all of you people with a functioning brain cell know what comes next, but for those of you who don't I shall continue.

In through the doorway stepped Miss Etaf, or as you and I know her: Fate. She was wearing her usual outfit but seemed to have picked up a pair of half moon glasses from somewhere, probably to make herself look smarter.  
"Good morning Class!" Said Fate brightly. "I'm going to be your teacher for today!"

"Good morning Miss Etaf." Sang the majority of the class, the minority consisting of England and myself.

Personally I find this strange for multiple reasons, the main ones being that my class just sang a good morning to Fate and the fact that Fate is now apparently visible to everyone else as well.

"Right class today's lesson is 'how to rape an albino', but first we need a volunteer to be the albino... hmm." She pressed a finger to her chin as if in contemplation.

"Oh! Oh! Near's an Albino! Near's an Albino!" Yelled Italy, waving his hands in the air.

"Very good Italy, you get a sticker!" Said Fate sweetly. "Would you like to come up Near.?"

**Near: 17 Fate: 25**

"Um, no." I said flatly.

"What, you're not going to co-operate, how mean!" Fate's eyes eyes suddenly began to water. "What a horrible person you are!" And with that Fate pressed her hands over her eyes and stared making sounds that vaguely resembled 'boo hoo hoo'.

"Oh please, like anyone's going to fall for that," I snapped.

"Oh Ronald McDonald!" Gasped America. "Near made the teacher cry, no need to worry though for I, the hero am here!" He struck a pose.

"Yippee hero!" Said Sealand.

"Like, keep down down while I condition my hair." Said Poland.

"I'm with you Mr Jones!" Said Matsuda, speaking of whom, where has he been for the past few chapters anyway?

"Yay, a sticker!" No prises for that one.

"Oh shut it already!"Snapped England. "I enough to deal with without your stupid antics America!"

"Oh you're just jealous because I'm the hero and you're not!" Replied America. "Now Near you're coming with me!"

"Like hell I am!" Replied I, I jumped out of my chair and was about to run out of that hell of a classroom when...

"Don't worry Near.." said France in the doorway. "I'll save you. Just come here and we can run away, _**just the two of us**__**!**_"

_Hmm_, I thought to myself. _What to do? On one hand I have America trying to hand me to Fate for her lesson on how to rape little boys, and on the other I have France who wants to take to a faraway place where he can rape me for the next few days in without interruption._

"Ah, it's so much worse when you have to choose what kind of insanity you have to suffer through isn't little Near?" Asked Fate sweetly.

"What the- she just stopped crying!" I pointed at her. "That's means she's faking."

"Huh?" America glanced at Fate who was pretending to cry again. "What are you talking about Near' she's obviously been crying thanks to you!"  
"She's faking you nitwit!" Snapped England. "Besides I just heard her, clear as day!"

"What the- fine, did anyone else hear Miss Etaf speaking?"

"No." Replied Germany gruffly, staring hatefully at England. He's probably still sore about the incident a few chapters ago.

"I was like, watching her the whole time and she, like, never stopped crying."

"I did not hear anything." Replied Japan. "I do believe that Near's lying in an attempt to gain sympathy for himself and discredit Miss Etaf."

"Oh how mean." 'Sobbed' Fate. "Near how could you!?"

"That decides it!" Shouted America. "Near must pay the price of making a woman cry!" He stared moving towards me.

I had to make my choice in under a spilt second, Fate's evil plans or France's molestations.

I took a third option.

"Hey Switzerland! France was perving on Liechtenstein!" I called to the trigger-happy nation.

"WHAT!" He turned to France and pulled out a gun from somewhere. "_**Time to die Frog**_."

"Oh god." And with that France ran screaming out of the classroom doorway, Switzerland in hot pursuit.

**Near: 18 Fate: 25**

I ran forward, my legs going as fast they could in order to escape from Fate and possible deflowering. When suddenly...

"And just where do you think you're going?" I was suddenly lifted up by the back of my shirt. "You still have to help out Miss Etaf for making her cry!"

Once again no prizes for that one. And so I was carried to Fate and thrown down before her.

'Miss Etaf's' tear's stopped immediately. "Oh thank you Alfred, here you get a sticker!" And with that that she stuck a large round red sticker with the word 'HERO' in yellow block letter's on the middle of his forehead.

"See Near! A hero always receives his just reward, maybe someday you'll understand that and join the good guys!" He struck another pose.

_If that's the kind of thing you get for being a good guy I think I'll start eating puppies just to be safe_, I thought as Fate suddenly grabbed me by my collar. "Urrrg!"

Did she really need to drag me up so hard? And she should have been more careful, my collar's being abused a lot nowadays.

"Right class let's begin," said Fate, smiling like a Cheshire cat. "The first part of the raping process is to successfully neutralise the subject's ability to resist, or at least impede it if you're into that sort of thing."

France put his hand up. "Oh, you mean like strangling them just enough to they're conscious but not enough so they can break free?"

Fate nodded. "Exactly France, and that one also doubles over into bondage territory as well so that's extra good, come up here and have a sticker!"

Shortly after France now sported a large blue sticker saying 'WARNING PERVERT APPROCHING' in bright red block letters. I also noticed that when Fate mentioned the word 'bondage' Germany started blushing so does that mean, ARGH! NO1 I do NOT want that image in my head!

"Now, does anyone want to demonstrate?" Fate held me up in front of the class.

I now now what a fish dangled above a net of hungry sharks feels like.

"ME! ME!" Screamed Sayu. "_**I like little boys**_."

"Nien! I, as the only responsible one here can be trusted to do it!" Shouted Germany, giving off an intensely frightening aura.

"Ah, the nation of beauty and love should do it no? After all, I have the most experience." Sang France, which was made all the creepier by the fact he was was drooling slightly.

"Hm..." Fate tapped her chin again. "I think I'm going to choose... Sayu! Because female paedophiles who like little boys always get off scot free, even when I'm not around so I won't get sued!"

"NO!" I shouted, feeling tremors shaking my poor, soft, squishy, easily bruised body.. "Please no! She's Light's sister for gods sake, would you really want someone with Light's DNA anywhere near your Private Parts?!"

Italy giggled. "Heh, you said _Near_."

Fate shrugged. "Hey, part of the reason I chose is because she would do the most amount of trauma, besides she's only tying you up-"  
"Oh yeah? What the reward if she does it right?" I asked.

Fate looked at me oddly. "Well a sticker of course!"

I stared at her. "And what else?"

Fate shrugged. "Nothing really..."

I felt my eyes narrow. "Care to elaborate?"

"No, not really."

I widened my eyes and started to do my best 'creepy child' grin.

"Yargh," cursed Fate. "Fine I tell you, just drop that grin, it's disturbing on levels that should not be possible at that age!"

I let my Grin drop.

Fate took a breath. "Well as I said before the reward for successfully neutralising your ability to resist is a sticker-"

"YAY! STICKERS!" Shouted a larger portion of the class that I would have expected.

-"and... . Got that? Great then let's get-"

"NO!" I screamed struggling to get away from her. "I'm not letting her anywhere near my soft little body! And speak with spaces so people get what you're trying to say!"

Fate smiled again. "Well if you're so insistent about it not being Sayu then would you like to choose between the other candidates?" She pointed at France and Germany.

So I had to choose between France and Germany, great lets list the various reasons why I should or should not attempt to chose one or the other.

France: known worldwide pervert who is both willing and able to have sex with every living thing (and most others) on the planet, in essence, the Eloper's condensed into one living form. I'm really hoping that not all French people are like him because I really can't bring myself to live in a world where there's a nation of Eloper's just a plane trip away.

Germany: Hard working, disciplined, sensible, strong athletic, seems to be reasonably intelligent. However I can't help but remember that look in his eyes when he volunteered to ''neutralise' me, I spotted something dark and insidious, what horrifying things lurk beneath that stoic mask?

"Noooo!" I screamed, "don't make me choose!"

"Okay, all three at once then?"

"Argh! NO! NO!" I shouted. "Why do you torment me so?"

"Because it makes me happy." Replied Fate without batting an eyes. "Extremely so, in fact I would go so far as to say tormenting you is the most pleasurable thing I've done in years-"

"_Don't say it like that_!" I screeched.

"-and frankly even if you do somehow manage to kill yourself off permanently at some point I think I'll just hop over to some barely-different alternate universe and start over again, in fact I think I'll be keeping track of how long it takes for each Near to go insane!" She kept on smiling and suddenly leaned towards my ear. "Do try to stay sane for a while longer, I want a good record to beat next time."

Fate suddenly turned back to the three potential rapists. "Alrighty then, it's been decided:all three of you will do it at once and the first one to get him done first get s the front later on!"

"WHHHARRRGHHH!" I screamed

**Near: 18 Fate 26**

I had just covered up my eyes with my floppy pyjama sleeves, when I was suddenly struck by something. I uncovered my eyes, and blinked twice to make sure:

_England appears completely mystified by the proceedings, he shouldn't be like that, he should be just smiling and nodding like the rest of the class. Come to think of it he was the only one besides me who didn't sing 'good morning' back to 'Miss Etaf', and he hasn't done anything really outside of his personality yet despite all the opportunities Fate has had to make him do so, knowing her he and America should have been raping each other for the last few chapters! And come to think of it didn't I already install some British locks on my door because I reasoned they would be insane-proof? Could it be that..._

"Hey England!" I called. "Are you still sane!?"

England blinked, "I was last time I checked, thought that's not going to last very long all this... this..."  
"I wouldn't try to use word's to define what goes on in this fic, you might kill the language by accident." I advised.

"F%$#^&%$%&^%W#^^&R##%^$$%^T&^%##! Keeps up." Finished England.

"... I stand corrected."Said I, still reeling from the sheer profanity that England just spouted. A few of the weaker-stomached people threw up over their desks.

"Held, actually." aid Fate, giving me a little shake to prove her point.

"Oh yes, right," I looked a England again. "Why is that? Why are you still sane?"  
England snorted. "Do you have any idea what it's like to live in the same world as those idiots for your whole life? I've been around for nearly two thousand years and had to deal with everything from nymphomaniac fairies to America's plan to cure obesity involving a rubber band and a black pen, believe me, if it was possible to crack me it would have done a _long_ time ago."

I blinked. "So you're insane-proof?"

"More or less I would say." Shrugged England.

"Um, I'm feeling a bit left out here, and you were supposed to be deflowered by now." Said Fate. "Could you shut up already so we can get on with the story already?"

"Yes, yes, anyhow since we're the only sane people here what do you say to an alliance." I put on my best puppy-dog eyes.

England frowned. "There's still Germany, besides since when do children form alliance's with world powers?"

I death glared. "Firstly, take a good look at Germany. Secondly, do you really want to be the only sane person in a world filled with _these_ kind of people," I indicated the whole classroom.

England took looked at Germany and shuddered, apparently having seen the same inner veil that I had, then look back at me. "You have yourself a deal."

"Great." Said I in a happy tone. "_Now save me from these weirdos_."

"Ack, stop him!" Shouted Fate, "I'm going to have Near deflowered even if I have to do it myself, with a_ spoon_."

England winced. "Fine, Fairies, go save the creepy short one!" He declared, pointing at me. For a moment there was nothing, then Germany grabbed his crotch and his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

"Hmm, what's wrong Germ-" Franc was cut off as his neck was suddenly pressed into by invisible hands.

"Yay, now I can have him all for myself!" Said Sayu, rushing forward, only to suddenly fly upwards. "Nooo! I must have my little Near to keep and hold and _**punish him for running away from me for so long**_!"

Fate growled. "Oh no you don't," she snapped her fingers and glared at England.

England proceeded to yawn. "Is that the best you can do? _Pathetic_, this is how you do it." and with that England snapped his fingers and Fate's head was suddenly replaced by a large flowerpot.

**Near: 19 Fate: 26**

Needless to say, she dropped me, which left my head quite sore. Nonetheless I got up and ran to England immediately.

"Now aren't we going to say thank you?" Asked England.

"No time! We have to get going before she recovers and wrecks painful, prolonged and humiliating vengeance upon our poor souls!"

England blinked. "What do you-" Fate snapped her fingers and her head was back to normal, well normal except for the fact that her eyes were now glowing bright red. "Oh f%$#!"

"You. Little. Brat." Spat Fate. "How dare you attack me? Did you really think you were still sane because you were resilient or clever? Well guess what: I. Was. Holding. Back. You better run if you want to live little Near because now I'm p&^%$,"

And with that England grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out the classroom and into the hallway, I risked a glance back as we turned into a corridor to see gallons of steaming lubricant coming out the classroom, the screams of agony reaching me moments later. Or at least I hope they were agony.

We somehow managed to make it out of the school, after many twists and turns and horrific sights which cannot be described in this recount due to the rating, what I can tell you that it respectively involved Jam, ice cream, and several corridors that resembled the small intestine. I quickly hot-wired the car, attempted to drive off, got kicked out of the driver's seated by England who said something about there being more than one lane of the road for a reason, and was driven away from the school by England.

We're heading out of the city in an attempt to escape Fate, and I don't think we'll be going back to the Yagami house for a while. It has became apparent to me that Fate will not rest until we are dead, insane or both, so I and England have decided to officially declare war on Fate.

Somehow thought, I don't Fate's going to let us off that easily...

**20th of January**

**A teacher's car, somewhere in the suburbs**

**Writing in this Diary**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: Sorry about how late this is, I know I promised that this would be soon but I kept forgetting to work on it. However Pangie has agreed to remind me to work on it so updates should start coming at a faster rate.**

**-MRegent.2**


	34. Rebellion Entry 2: The Tokyo Incident

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Godzilla, the various Power Rangers series, Axis Powers Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well this is weird. Weirder than usual I mean.

It all started when we reached Tokyo, for all you lovely Americans whose world map consists of the USA I'll explain it to you in small words. You see there are countries _outside _the USA, as in _not_ the USA. One of these countries happens to be Japan , you might of heard of them from all your nice TV shows with the great all-American white police man (also known as a 'Cop') fighting valiantly against the evil Asian criminal master mind with a creepy moustache and hordes of ninjas at his disposal that shall prove totally ineffectual against the said All-American police man who has never had any kind of martial arts training because the All-American police man is _American_ and no one from another culture could ever beat an _American._

Anyhow there is a country known as Japan far, far away from America (though not nearly as far as they want to be I'll bet). It's capital happens to be a place called Tokyo, which for some reason the Japanese enjoy seeing torn apart by gigantic monsters that breath fire, so much so it's one of their major film Genre's. Maybe all that hard work manifests in a deep subconscious desire to see the place burn to the ground.

I think being around the Axis Powers: Hetalia personification of America has made me anti-American, it wouldn't surprise me because that man is F%$#&^% ANNOYING.

Well pointless ranting bound to decrease our readership by several hundred over, let's get back to the story.

As I said before It all began when we entered Tokyo, the 'we' being myself and the anthropomorphic personification of the UK, also known to the world at large as 'England'. Which is of course annoys the other three Kingdoms to no end, seeing as England invaded and pillaged and raped their countries for several centuries. Anyhow, we had just entered Tokyo, having decided that hiding among the masses was our best option for avoiding Fate.

Unfortunately I did the incredibly stupid thing of forgetting about the whole 'Giant monsters tearing apart Tokyo thing'.

Look, you know what my life is like, can you really blame me for forgetting a few things now and then between various trauma-inducing events?

Anyhow, there we were, sitting in the car we hot wired last chapter when suddenly an ear-splitting crash thundered around us.

"What the F%#!?" Shouted England, looking annoyed, possibly because the front of 'our'

car was currently under a large scaly toe.

For the simple among you I'll explain, England just swore (that is, for a reason as opposed to just swearing for the sake of it). England swore due to a large scaly toe having just rudely flattened the front of our car, just missing us and rendering said car unable to move by virtue of having it's engine reduced to two-dimensions.

Oh, England swearing might have also had something to do with the fact that the large scaly toe was attached to an equally large green dinosaur.

"Oh no!" Screeched a random bystander, "it's !"

**Near: 19 Fate 27**

"Oh really, I didn't notice." Said I before I turned to England. "I think it would be a good idea to get out before we join the engine in dual dimensions."

"Excellent idea." Replied England, still staring at the extraordinarily large toe. Either he was in shock or he has a foot fetish.

Unfortunately I never got a chance to run away as suddenly the same bystander as before suddenly screamed again.

"Oh my goodness, it's the Power Rangers!"

All the people who had been running around due to the abnormally sized Lizard above us stopped and started cheering. I turned to see as five figures in bright spandex appear standing on one of the cars behind us.

"GO GO POWER RANGERS!" Came the cheesy theme-song from nowhere, prompting me to start en-visualising various disturbing things to prevent- oh wait, you don't know about the '4Kids effect' do you?

Okay, I'll give you a quick explanation. For fictional beings such as yours truly our universe and our own actions are limited and defined by what rating our show/book/whatever has. So in a show like my own dear Death Note which generally has an 'M' rating we can do things that shows with a 'G' rating couldn't dream of, literally.

Obviously in cases where fan-fiction is involved things aren't so linear and everything's really up in the air. Anyhow, the '4Kids effect' is what occurs when the show/book/whatever is made less... 'mature' in order to reduce the rating, in which case the characters of the show are redefined by that standard.

This can obviously have some rather sad results as a character who used to be a blood-drenched anti-hero can turn into a grumpy guy with a heart of gold, even if he did things like blow up orphanages in the past. Or for those of you who watch/read my own beloved Death Note, I'll use L as an example:

Now, since the 4Kids effect usually results in politically incorrect characters being changed to suit the ideas of the day, L's sweets would probably be replaced by fresh fruit and vegetables. He would start walking around with a straight back, he would lose the bags under his eyes due to sleeping regularly and become more social/outgoing, and you can forget about the rats-nest hair and shirt/jeans combo. Expect regularly groomed locks and ironed T-shirts/trousers.

Scary thought isn't it? Now just imagine the plot of Death Note under the 4Kids effect, now _**that's**_ nightmare fuel. If you want more examples just head to the nearest video store and ask for something translated by 4Kids, then watch the original version.

Anyhow, for obvious reasons the 4Kids effect is one of the most feared things in the universe for a fictional character, thus crossovers with shows like 'Power Rangers' are generally avoided due to the fact that when crossovers are made the 4Kids effect comes in to ensure that fans of the show with the lower rating aren't corrupted.

Of course in fan-fiction the chances of the 4Kids effect are much less but it still occurs, so just to be sure whenever we come into contact with anyone from a different rating we start thinking of things as far away from their rating as possible to stop the 4Kids effect from taking place. Sort of like how we boys think of highly unpleasant things in order to... stop certain reactions.

Fortunately, I have a rather large stock to stop both thanks to this fic.

The Red Ranger looked up at Godzilla as he/she/it started tearing through yet another building. "You there, evil monster, cease this destruction at once of we will summon our structurally impossible giant robot to take you down!"

Godzilla looked at the Red Ranger, opened his/her/its mouth and proceeded to... well I don't know how to phrase it really 'breath' seems to be a bit inappropriate here so I'll just say 'excreted' a large stream of steaming Lubricant from the back of 'its' throat which ploughed straight into the Red Ranger and carried him off in a stream.

"Hey!" Protested the Blue Ranger. "That's going to send our rating up!"

Suddenly the remaining Power Rangers jumped down from the car, just barely dodging another stream of R-rated fluid in their usual matrix-style slow fall before landing on their feet in a variety of poses.

"Hey,see that little white boy!" Called the Green Ranger to his team-mates who were just inches away.

"Yeah, hey we can use him to beat this evil menace one and for all!" Said the Pink Ranger in a stereotypical girlish voice, striking another pose.

"Oh no you can't!" Said I, having gained the ability to sense when something bad is about to happen over the course of this fic, turned and ran off as fast as my little socked feet could carry me.

Unfortunately, as you probably guessed by now I wasn't getting away that easily. Fate may not have been there in physical form but I knew she was behind it when I suddenly tripped on thin air. Moments later I was gabbed around the waist by a pair of white-gloved hands. "I got him, now quickly, use our improbably strong powers to beat the evil monster just like we do every week!"

And with that I was thrown over to the rest of the Power Rangers, I found myself being held by the four of them, Pink, Green, Yellow and Blue holding one of my limbs each.

"Hey, don't forget me!" Called the Red Ranger, I caught a glimpse of him, dripping with Lubricant through Blue's arms.

"Get lost Red, you'll send our rating through the roof!" Snapped Pink.

"Hey, that isn't much like the whole 'friendship is strength' theme we're supposed to have going on!" Cried Red.

"Ah,um... fine! We'll just pretend it's Godzilla's drool or something." Sighed Blue, moving aside to Red could grab my head.

"Right everyone!" Said Red. "On my count, One!"

"Um, what exactly are you going to do with me?"

"Two!"

"Seriously I need to know, my health insurance is already sending my account into the red-"

"THREE!" And with that the Power Rangers suddenly glowed with their respective colours, before their glow moved into me and I started glowing white.

Also I started flying.

"Well this isn't too bad," I reflected.

"Now, destroy that evil monster super white missile mecha!" Shouted the Power Rangers as one.

**Near: 19 Fate: 28**

"What the, do I look like a giant toy to you- OH C$#." Said I as I shot towards Godzilla, my life flashing before my eyes, becoming suicidally depressed and thinking that writing Russia and France's names into the Slash Note every few days had been a waste of time after all.

_At least..._ I thought as I sailed towards my doom. _I won't have to deal with this insanity any-more_.

Of course, I think we all know what comes next.

Suddenly Godzilla turned just as I was about to slam into his/her/its. Unfortunately it wasn't in a direction that would allow me to miss hi/her/it and fall to my doom but in a direction that placed me in a direct course into one of his/her/it's orifices.

When I had regained my senses, I sincerely wished I hadn't. Partially out of a hope that I would be allowed to die in peace, mostly out of the fact that most of my body was now covered in radioactive lizard mucous.

"ARGHH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY DRYCLEANING BILLS COST!?"

I was answered with all the attention of a lone bacteria. Unfortunately my outburst seemed to have irradiated the delicate nostrils of our favourite Radioactive Lizard have began snuffling.

I felt my jaw drop. "Oh you have got to be joking-" I cut myself off to close my mouth, not wanting to ingest anything if what I though was about to happen happened.

And, of course, it did.

I was suddenly propelled out of Godzilla's nose, along with several tone of Lizard mucous that probably added 'littering' to Godzilla's rap sheet along with murdering thousands of innocent people and squashing national landmarks.

Apparently giant radioactive monsters have sensitive sinuous.

However at the moment I pressed by a rather more prominent problem than the status of Godzilla's nose, namely the rather hard surface I was heading towards.

Then I realised that if I died there and then I would be free from Fate's mechanics and mentally cracked open a few bottles of champagne, brewed in the summers of institutional care and famed for their unique aroma of near-godlike intellect.

Unfortunately I once again celebrated my impending death too soon as I was suddenly struck by a wind in mid air, changing my course downwards and covering me in several tons worth of free-falling Lizard mucous. A few seconds later I slammed into the ground, or more precisely, the mucous hit the ground and I just sort of sank a few meters.

Just enough apparently to come face to face with England, who the blob of mucous apparently managed to land on despite the fact that England had been hiding beneath a doorway on the other side of the building I had been falling next to a few seconds ago.

It took me one quarter of a second to notice the particular shade of beetroot England's face had turned.

It took exactly half a second to realise that the rapidly rising temperature around em was originating from England.

It took me the remaining half to realise that England might be feeling a might bit cranky on account of his nice clean army uniform being covering with giant radioactive fire breathing Lizard snot.

Suddenly I was standing next to England, snot free and smelling like fresh laundry. England himself had a pleasant smile gracing his features, the effect of which was only ruing by the lightning bolts crackling around his fingers.

"Um, what just happ-"  
"Oh I just cleaned you up," said England, smile still perfectly straight. "I thought you ,might like to be nice and clean again, I know I would."

'Er, okay. Thank- hunh?"I was surprised as England suddenly grabbed my arm and started walking forward with purpose. "What are you doing?"  
"Oh I'm just going to teach Mr Dribbly-nose over there some manners." Said England still smiling as we turned the corner, revealing Godzilla munching on skyscraper and the Power Rangers striking poses while numerous people cheered them on despite the fact that Godzilla shifted every few seconds and squashed a few dozen of them.

Each to their own I suppose

England apparently disagreed with this philosophy, must have something to do with being the 'empire on which the sun never sets'. AKA: randomly invading and conquering entire countries and forcing your own ideology on them for several centuries.

England clearing his throat and said in a clear, stern voice like the one you would expect from that old teacher with her hair in a bun. "Excuse me, Godzilla I would like a word with you."

Godzilla proceeded to pass wind.

Red briefly stopped striking poses long enough to snigger at England.

England smiled pleasantly. He suddenly raised a single finger. A single finger with several miniature lightning bolts crawling across it's length.

"Um, England, what are you going to do." I asked, a bit worried. For those of you who don't know and are too thick to have worked it out on their own England happens to have magic powers, and considering 5the pleasant smile on his face and knowing his personality I was afraid that the sight of his nice clean military uniform had cracked him up a little bit.

England tur5ned to me with glassy eyes. "Teaching a lesson, _**please be quiet**_.

I suddenly felt the threat of million horrific deaths made possible through the use of magic and thousands of years worth of restrained murderous urges. "y-yes sir, please, don't mind me." I shrank back as much as possible considering he was still holding my wrist in a vice grip

England smiled again and turned back to Godzilla before muttering something under his breath. Suddenly Godzilla started doing the chicken dance, smashing several buildings in the process. England smiled. I started. The Power Rangers just sort of stood to the side, feeling a bit left out at this point

And that's how events proceeded for the next hour or so, England using Godzilla as some sort of demented marionette, I being thoroughly creeped out by England's expression and the power Ranger's looking a bit lost. Eventually it ended, but not because England was getting bored of all the various ways he could humiliate Godzilla, but because of...

"ONWARDS MY PRETTIES, ONWARDS TO TOKYO!!" Came BB's screeching voice.

England's expression turned to that of something who had just had something very unexpectedly and impolitely inserted into their anus without their consent. "Oh _f&^%_!"

"My thoughts exactly." I dead panned. "Any ideas on how to get the hell out of here before BB kills what's left of our sanity with Jam-related quotes that may or may not be M-rated?"

"Er.." England shifted uncomfortably. "Well I suppose.." he came over to me an whispered something into my ear.

I blinked. "... I genuinely wish I could refuse but at the moment my choices are a bit limited so I'm all for it."

England nodded., "Good." He turned to Godzilla, muttered something under his breath and Godzilla came over to us with large, watery eyes, kneeling down and holding his hand-things out for us to step onto.

Oh, did I forget to explain that England's idea was for us to use Godzilla to escape into the ocean? Silly me I must remember to put more detail in my notes in future.

"Wait!" Shouted The Red Ranger. "You can't take Godzilla, if we don't beat him we don't get paid!"

I looked at the red Ranger from my new position in Godzilla's level hand—things. I was suddenly struck by an idea.  
"You came here to save Tokyo right?"  
The Red Ranger nodded. "That's right."

"Then you don't technically need Godzilla as an even worse threat is coming that Tokyo needs saving from." I pointed over to the horizon where a small dust cloud could be spotted in the distance. "How do you feel abut taking on evil Jam—cults?"

The Red Ranger considered it. "... Fine, but there had better not be anything above PG-rating or I'm going to be in _so_ much trouble with my boss".

"Oh don't worry about that, not an M-rated thing going in the Jam-cult," I lied through my teeth. "Just make sure not too look too closely and you'll be fine.

We left shortly after that, England chatting happily with his fairy friends while Godzilla slowly walked out to sea. And so here I am, riding Godzilla to who-knows where with a possibly delusional nation. Like I said before it's quite weird, not compared to some of things I've been through but I usually end the chapter with some level of sanity but for some reason now that I've declared war on Fate the last few shreds of it seem to have gone down the drain.

**The Score: Near 20 Fate 28**

**13th of February**

**Godzilla**

**Being carried away from Tokyo by Godzilla**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: The update was late due to school, unfortunately it seems to be taking over my life lately so updating might get a bit more difficult**


	35. Rebellion Entry 3: The Outback Invasion

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Crocodile Dundee, Yo Gabba Gabba or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Greetings my sadistic tormentors and welcome to the latest instalment of Near's guide to high school.

Picking up where we left off last chapter we were sitting on Godzilla's hand-things having recently escaped Japan and tricked the Power Rangers into dying a horrible horrible death involving Jam, unfortunately we couldn't exactly stay out at sea forever, partially because Fate would probably turn it into boiling lubricant and mostly due to the fact that I get sea-sick.

"Arghhh... "I moaned, feeling like I swallowed something that was trying very persistently to claw it's way back up my throat.

"Poor baby," responded England with all the sympathy of a cat to a mouse. "I never could understand why people get sick out to sea, personally I have always loved seafaring. Ahh the sight of the setting sun, the endless ocean, the constant movement of the ship as it sway to and fro-

"Shut up or I _swear_ I'll be sick on you."

England sighed. "Fine, I suppose we have to get to dry land eventually. Godzilla take us to the nearest landmass!"

There was a deep rumbling from his/her/it's throat and Godzilla headed south. A few minutes (and a unfortunate incident with England's shoe later) we arrived at a large cliff on what appeared to be the edge of a desert.

"I needed that shoe dammit!" Snapped England as we departed Godzilla.

"Then you shouldn't have taken it off, I wasn't aiming for it." Replied I, also departing Godzilla.

This banter was not to last as a matter of seconds after I first touched my beloved still dry land...

"OI!" A brash, heavily accented voice shouted. "ENGLAND ISSAT YOU!?"  
I turned to the direction of the voice that was brutally murdering my eardrums to find a grinning tanned man with a straw hat with little bottle-corks hanging down on strings from the rim, a dingo sitting on top of said hat and holding a Koala in his arms.

Said Koala looked evil in my opinion.

England froze for a second upon seeing the man, then assumed a resigned expression. "Yes Australia-"

"GREAT!" Australia suddenly appeared next to England, and bear-hugged him with one arm, holding the evil Koala with the other. "Whatcha doin' ere downunder?"

"Dying from suffocation via overenthusiastic relatives." Replied England, turning a nice shade of purple.

"Huh? Oh sorry 'bout that mate," Australia released England who fell to the ground with a gasp. "An' whose the little white fella?"

England seemed to be a bit busy trying to breath so I answered myself. "My name is Near-"

"Uh? Sorry 'bout that mate I got somthin' in me ear, I thought you said your name was Near?" Laughed Australia.

I gave him my most chilling death glare. "It. Is."

Australia's face paled sightly. "Er, right, sorry 'bout that. So whatcha doin' here anyway?"

England had recovered at this point. "We had to make landfall or we would starve and apparently you were the closest one."

Australia blinked. "Eh, don't tell me you've been sailing on those sail boats out here again-"

"I have not, and I have told you they are _not_ 'sail boats' they are Sailing _Ships_." Emphasised England.

"Boats Ships, whatever." Australia waved it away. "So what did ya come here on anyway?"

I pointed to the skyscraper-sized Lizard which Australia had somehow failed to notice.

Australia's eyes widened for a seconds, then an evil glint came into his eyes as he pulled out a knife and fork from his pockets, holding the Koala in the crook of his arm. "DINNER!"

Godzilla squawked at the sight of the worlds most poisonous nation (seriously, most of the worlds most poisonous species happen to call Australia home) and proceeded to turn tail and run out into the ocean. Australia jumped from the cliff and started swimming after him/her/it.

I turned to England. "Is he always like that?"

England sighed. "Oh yes, _always_," a haunted look came into his yes. "I finally managed to get a good nights sleep after he became independent, before he used to hunt down my fairies..." England's features took on the look of the traumatised, the one I see in the mirror. "I had to live with him for _eighty years_..."

Evidently England was fairly traumatised from his time as the British Empire, makes sense considering that he's practically the only sane one in a universe filled with living national stereotypes and since he one ruled a third of the world logic would suggest that he would have had to deal with thirty-three percent of all the insanity the worlds nations could come up with on a daily basis. Not exactly good for the mind.

However England and I was were in for yet more trauma, or at least stupidity as suddenly a man dressed in bright orange jumped out from behind a nearby rock and raced up to us.

"Hey there guys!" He said in a loud voice, the kind generally reserved for when one is talking to preschoolers. "You look down, but don't worry, me and my friends we help out!" He turned around. "Yo Gabba Gabba!"

Suddenly a number of brightly coloured misshapen creatures appeared from nowhere.

"Arghh!" I screeched. "Too bright! Too bright!" I felt a colour-induced headache rise behind my temples as my eyes watered from hyper-colour abuse.

"Lets sing a happy-happy song to cheer them up!" Said the man in orange, "on my mark, one! Two! Three!" The man in orange the rain bow coloured-creatures from hell started to sing a mind-numbingly bad song about friendship and happiness and sunshine.

**Near: 20 Fate: 29**

Fortunately for me, it seems that I still had one last scrap of good luck left.

"ARGG! WHAD DID I TELL YOU B3$%^&& ABOUT SINGING THAT DAMN SONG!" Came Australia's shouting voice, I turned to see him dripping on the edge of the cliff, Dingo and Koala looking a bit like drowned rats.

He caught me eyes. "It got away," he explained. "The knife wasn't big enough, I knew I shouldnta' 'ave let Dundee borrow my proper one!" He turned back to the man in orang and his friends. "But this one 'll do fine for this lot...If they don't get their arses outta 'ere, that is.."

The man in Orange froze for second. "... Okey dokey, looks like our job's done, good job team!" And with that the highly-coloured... things and the loud man in orange ran off into the sunset.

"Dammit," sighed Australia, rubbing his temple. "Those guys just keep coming back!"

"Reminds me of someone," dead-panned England. Seeing my questioning gaze he mouthed 'Sealand' to me. "Say, Australia, I just realised I don't know what's going on with Kiku."

Australia blinked. "Kiku?"

"Yes Kiku, we just came from him and I'm a bit worried since Tokyo was being invaded by Jam-obsessed cultists."

Australia winced. "Oh yeah, heard about that, sorry to tell ya mate but apparently he's been taken over by those wackos."

England frowned. "Iis he alright?"

"Ah, well physically yes, in the head, not so much, he was wearing a toga and singing while taking a Jam-shower last time I saw 'im," said Australia, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

Unfortunately this delightful conversation was not to last, it would appear that the saying 'speak of the devil' would be most apt in this case. Of course with an enemy like Fate even giving horrific possibilities thought inevitably brings them to one's presence.

"ONWARDS MY SERVANT'S!" Came a screeching voice.

"Yes, onwards little one's, General Pipe commands it and you must obey General Pipe or _**you'll have to be punished**_." Came a calmer but infinitely more disturbing one.

"Oh _**S^%#**_." Said England with a perfectly straight face.

"I second that." Deadpanned I.

"Well this is gonna throw a spanner in things ain't it?" Said Australia.

**Near: 20 Fate: 30**

Behind us, just before the edge of the cliff stood several figures in Jam soaked Togas. The majority of them were the J.A.M., however at the front stood B.B. And-

"R-Russia!?" Spluttered England. "What the f^%$ are you doing with these weirdos?"

Russia smiled softly, touching his Jam-soaked Scarf tenderly. "Oh, you mean my friends? Well it's just that we share so many of the same interests, world domination, annexation of all opposition, insanity, you know that sort of thing, and the Jam they worship was so just so delightfully Red. In fact some it was _blood_ red which made it even better so I thought I might join them and take over the world together."

"Oh... well that explains it." Said England, looking a bit pale.

"Yep, just the sorta thing I'd expect from 'im." Said Australia.

"Yes, yes it is." Smiled Russia, beckoning forward his pipe. "Now onward my pretties! _**Squash them like bugs**_."

**Near: 20 Fate: 31**

"YES SIR!" Saluted the J.A.M. who proceeded to march toward us.

"F%$# what are going to do!" Shouted England. "I don't think magic is going to stop them!"

"What I would give for a one-shot pistol..." I muttered to myself, friozen in fear.

"Hah, no worries mates! I've got it all under control." Australia grinned as he pulled out what looked like a rock on a string and started whirling in in a circle above his head.

Everyone started at him.

"... Are you sure he's sane?" I asked England.

Russia smiled. "Oh? You're insane too, we should form a club!"

"Er, Australia, just what are you doing?" Asked a baffled England.

"Calling someone!" Said Australia with a gap-toothed grin.

"Wouldn't you use a phone for that?" Asked I.

Australia blinked. "Huh? We don't have any new-fangled electronics out 'ere in the outback mate, or toilet paper either which makes it real awkward when you gotta' go an' there no creek nearby."

Everyone besides Australia twitched as one.

"HEY! WHATCHA DOIN' OUT HERE MATE!?" Came yet another extremely loud, heavily accented voice. I turned to see what appeared to be a rapidly moving trash heap rapidly moving towards us from the inland.

"Dundee mate! Long time no see!" Laughed Australia. "Look were in a spot o' trouble, could ya give us a lift?"

"Sure mate!" Laughed the figure sitting on what I now realised was supposed to be a car of some sort. As it stopped in front of us. "Hop in!"

"Great!" Grinned Australia, who turned around and grabbed England by the collar.

"Eh, what are you- arrghh- urgh..." said England as he was thrown into the back of the 'car', most likely gaining a new concussion. Moment's later I joined him, Australia apparently having thrown me when I wasn't looking. I was alright though, England broke my fall.

"Right mate, lets get outta 'ere!" Said Australia as he cheerfully got into the passenger seat.

"Whatever ya say mate!" Replied the person who was apparently Crocodile Dundee and we promptly sped off, leaving BB, Russia and the J.A.M. In the dust.

"How strange," I heard Russia's diminishing voice say. "Oh well, onwards my fellows, catch them or_** I'll catch you**_."

"YES SIR!" Cried the J.A.M.

"Step on it Dundee!" Said Australia, "if they catch us it's Jam for dinner forever!"

Dundee looked sick. "Like hell it is!" He knocked on the yellowish bonnet of the 'car', suddenly it slipped forward, revealing several marsupials (little furry animals for the dumber ones among you) operating little pieces of machinery.

"Oh, it's operated by inch high animals, of course," said I, the mystery of how the 'thing' moved solved.

"Okay mates, see those weirdo's back there?" Dundee thumbed the Jam cult over his shoulder. "If we don't get move on it's Jam for dinner!"

There was a thousand little screeches and the animals suddenly started moving faster than the eye could see. Approximately half a second later we shot forward at two hundred miles per hour.

Unfortunately, it seems that a combination of Jam and Russia's grin is enough to make the average Jam cultist match that so now we've reached a stalemate, for now. Right now I'm writing in this journal (just in case you didn't catch on), while being chased by crazed Jam-cultists at two hundred miles per hour while being driven away from said cultists in a trash heap pretending to be car operated by several rodents with an eighties movie character and two national personification, one of which is unconscious due to the other throwing him around like a sack of potatoes.

Well that's it for today, make sure to read the next instalment of Near's guide to high School! Or, even better, don't! The less people who read and review equal less amounts of writing and updating which in turn equals less insanity and trauma for me!

**The Score: Near: 20 Fate: 31**

**28th of February**

**Somewhere in the Australian outback**

**Trying to escape from crazed Jam-cultists in a 'car'**

**Nate Rivers **


	36. Rebellion Entry 4: Near Vs Jam

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Crocodile Dundee or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the one and only Near's Guide to High School! I, your host Nate Rivers and the boy who happens to be the star of this fanfic, would like to this chance to personally tell about how grateful I am that you've deigned to spend your precious time reading our humble story.

YOU F^%$#& B#$%^&*! YOU SHOULD ALL BE $#%# AND ^%$#!&*! SEE HOW YOU F#%^&$ LIKE IT!

Now that I have made myself clear, let us go onto the main feature:

Last chapter we left off with myself and my companions being chased by crazed Jam-cultists at two hundred miles per hour in trash heap pretending to be car powered by several marsupials. We after a few hours of that, managed to shake BB and Co long enough to find a good hiding spot under a few bushes thanks to Dundee's outback survival skills.

Now we were faced with a new problem however, as soon as we hid the J.A.M. Invaded the area around us so we couldn't escape.

"Now what do we do?" Asked England in a tense voice.

"I dunno," said Australia. "The plan was to hid out here 'til they gave up but they were closer than expected so they probably saw us going in this direction-"

"And since we dumped the car they know we are hiding out here somewhere." Finished England. "Why did you dump the car anyway, it seems a bit stupid."

"Oi! These poor little buggers worked hard for you, they're all tuckered out and need a rest mate," the Dingo leapt off Australia's hat as he took it off to reveal the little marsupials who had been powering the car before replacing it on his head.

England sighed, "well we need a way out of here and fast, Near, you're the resident Genius, any ideas?"

I frowned, thinking for a moment. "... A few, but I'm afraid that there's no way I can think of that we can get out of here without actually beating the Jam cult once and for all."

England started at me. ".. I don't suppose that you actually have a plan for this?"

I nodded," yes, several actually."

England frowned again. "Will we give away our position if they don't work?"  
"It's highly unlikely." I reassured him.

"... We'll it;'s not like we have anything to lose, besides our lives, dignity and sanity. Since we'll be losing those if we don't anyway we might as well try." England sighed.

I grinned and took out the Slash Note, "very well, let's hope this works." I opened the book and started writing with a small black pen.

Suddenly BB and Russia stood still from where they been looking for us but meters away. Then they turned to face one another and looked into each others eyes. Then they skipped the rest of the usual romance scene just went straight to hard-core rapage.

"This is... _wrong_." Stated England. "Just... _wrong_."

"Got that right, mate," agreed Australia.

"Well try not to look and you should be fine after a few litres of purified alcohol". Said I, _any second now..._

But, alas, what I was waiting for never came. What was I waiting for? Well I had written BB and Russia's names into the slash note for a specific reason, not because I'm a hardcore masochist who enjoys feeling his mind break from a pairing which the Fan-girls had probably never even dreamed of before now, which would be all the worse because I effectively _invented_ said pairing. Anyhow, reason for writing nightmare fuel into existence: The Jam-cult worships Jam (for those of you who are just that stupid enough to not have worked that out by now), I wrote BB and Russia's names into the Slash Note with the little detail that they would start proclaiming how much they hate Jam during their 'interactions'. This would have resulted in them being painfully dismembered and giving myself and co the chance to get out of their while the body-parts were flying.

Instead this is what occurred:

"Oh.. how I love Jam.." moaned Russia.

"JAM IS THE FOOD OF JAM!" Whispered BB.

"Jam will become one with Russia...".

"NO! RUSSIA WIL BECOME ONE WITH JAM! AND BB WILL BECOME ONE WITH JAM! LET US **ALL BECOME ONE WITH JAM!**"

"OH HELLS YEAH!" Came the voices of the J.A.M. Who came bursting out the bushes. Seconds later I, England, Australia and Crocodile Dundee were subject to witnessing the Jam-cult become one, with said substance being the lubricant.

"... _**No**_". Stated England.

"...." Australia was apparently to busy curling in a ball and crying to say anything. Dundee was no where to be found. I found out just where had gone moment's later when I heard the sound of a 'car' speeding off into the distance mixed with the sobs of a grown man.

I would later look into the Slash Note to find the following message written in bright pink:

_**Better luck next time, you didn't really think I would let you off the hook that easily did you?**_

_**XOX Fate.**_

_**PS: You Suck.**_

_**PSS: I've melted your Legos down to make sex toys :)**_

**Near: 20 Fate: 33**

"Oh dear." Noted Russia from his position on the ground. "One of them has escaped and General Pipe had gotten stuck up there again".

England nudged both myself and Australia, "quick, while they are distracted, lets escape."  
I looked over to Australia. "Do you think he'll can make it?"  
England smiled at me. "Unfortunately right now I am afflicted with the fact that I just really don't care if he makes it or not, _**I can't see that again**_." His left eye twitched.

"... Alright then, fine with me-"  
"Okay, orgy time over, lets go back to looking for them!" Came Russia's voice.

"Yes Sir!" Saluted the J.A.M. who promptly marched around us in such a way that it was impossible to move out of our hiding spot without being seen.

"... Typical." Said I.

"... I hope you have another plan". Said England in a tired voice. "Preferably not involving sex".

"Of course I do, I'm L the third remember?" I smiled. "And as it just so happens nothing about this plan involves sex."  
England frowned. "Oh, what does it involve then?"  
I grinned, England flinched. "Magic".

England's eyes widened. "You mean you want me to cat a spell to get rid of them? Why didn't we just do that before!?"

"Because your magic has a habit of failing miserably. However even if it does it should provide enough of a distraction for us to get the hell out of here, along with possibly disabling the Jam-cult."

England sighed. "Fine, I suppose we don't have a choice right now do we?" He thought for a moment before raising a finger. "Right, I've got the perfect spell in mind, just be ready to run." And with that he started muttering something under his breath, little green and blue sparkles appearing around us.

"Hey, what's with the pretty little lights? They're gong to give away our position!"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to turn off the special effects." England snapped his fingers and the sparkles disappeared.

Suddenly Russia started floating upwards, apparently flying. "Oh my."  
BB unexpectedly started floating upwards as well. "THIS IS MOST DEFINETLY NOT JAM!"  
England smiled and stopped chanting for a few seconds. "This spell send the target, or targets in this case several hundred feet into the air before letting them again with a bone-powdering organ-liquefying smash. It's great for parties, especially when there's uninvited guests."

He resumed chanting and the J.A.M. Suddenly flew upwards s well. "OH GREAT JAM!? HAVE YOU JUDGED US WORTHY OF ASCENDING TO THE HEAVENS!?"

Unfortunately, as I imagine you would expect, this was not to last. There was a sudden gust of wind, carrying a few grass clippings with it, straight to England's nose as a matter of fact.

A horrified expression crossed England's face for a second before he let out a bellowing sneeze, one that's echoes found each other and made mini echoes with one another.

Unfortunately for us this happened to be one of the crucial points of the spell, the one part that mus never ever be disrupted for any reason. There was a sudden flash of light from behind us and the Jam-cult fell from the heavens, landing in a pile.

"Of f^%$ swore England."  
"W-what's going on?" Asked I, feeling a little bit scared.

"E-England?" Came a timid voice from behind us, I looked to see a small boy of about twelve years of age wearing an ancient school uniform. "What's going on England?"

"Oh... damn," hissed England. "There's no telling what the spell does if it's broken, but it's always horrifyingly bad."

**Near: 20 Fate: 34**

I frowned. "What do you mean, assuming that's Australia over there all that seems to have happened is that you've turned him into a child again."  
England shuddered. "That's the pro- blarrgh." England was cut off as mini-Australia suddenly wrapped his arms around England's neck and started hugging him.

"ENGLAAAND!" Practically sang Australia. "OH I'VE MISSED YOU SOO MUCH! So where have you been? Who have you been seeing? France hasn't been making you cry again right?"

"The problem is that when this happens it isn't just the body that's reduced to a child, it's mind as well, and when Australia was younger he- arghhh!" Australia tightened his hold on England's neck, smiling happily.

"He was an obsessive stalker?" I finished for him.

England agreed with his eyes, or pleaded for help, I couldn't really tell which.

I looked up at Australia and sighed. "Hello, I don't know if you remember me-"

"Of course I don't remember you little white albino boy." Said Australia. I've never met you before, why are you here? Have you come to take away England? _You're not taking away England_." He tightened his grip even further, thus resulting in cutting off England's air supply.

"Err, no of course not."I reassured him. "It's just that you're kind of killing of him there-"

"Of yes England does very much enjoy my hugs, he said so himself, the tighter the better!" Australia smiled happily and proceeded to show make his hug even better.

"'Can't... breathe..." his England's hissing voice.

"Oh yes, the tighter the better!" Said Australia with a happy smile.

"... Yes, exactly. But if you don't let go of England he's going to die a slow and painful death-"

"If I let go of England he'll die a slow and painful death!?" Gasped Australia. "Then I'll never let go ever again, we'll be together forever!"

"... You just ignore everything you don't want to hear don't you?"

Australia just kept on smiling. I sighed and mentally trashed plan B and moved onto to plan C. Plan C was especially good for England as a side effect meant he would be able to breath again.

"Okay Australia, you see those people over there," I pointed to the Jam-cult.

Australia frowned. "The weird ones with the Jam all over their clothes?"

"That's them, they're not letting us go, but I have idea that might let us off the hook, but in order for that idea to work you have to let go of England for a while."  
Australia considered it. "... Will I be able to hug him later?"

I nodded. "Absolutely."

England's eyes screamed _**traitor**_ at me.

Australia frowned and slowly loosened his hold on England. England gasped and started sucking down air like camel would water. "Air, precious sweet air, oh how I've missed you..."

"Yes, yes you love air. Now to the more important matter of how I intend to get rid of the Jam-cult..."

*****

A few minutes later England was unceremoniously booted out of the hiding spot holding a jar of Jam.

"I must say your bush skills were invaluable here Australia," I laughed to myself. "Without you thee would be no way we could have found the ingredients for the Jam."  
Australia frowned, looking forlornly toward England. "Didn't England just transmute everything he needed?"

"Well yes, but at least you tried." I patted him on the shoulder.

England slowly walked up the Jam cult, Jam jar in hand. "Er, hello there, it's me, England. I want to make a deal."

Russia smiled. "Oh, do you want to become one with Russia?"

England shuddered. "Er, no thanks old boy, instead I've come to offer you this jar of Jam in exchange for our freedom, what do you say chaps?"

Russia and BB turned to each other, seemed to have a telepathic conversation with one another and turned back to England. "How about we take the Jam and squish the rest of you anyway, da?"

England frowned. "Er, no thanks-'  
Russia continued smiling, "I'm afraid 'no' is not an option. You'll become one with Russia now!"  
England backed. "What no I- arghh, let me go you commie B%$#&$!"

The next few minutes consisted of various M-rated material so I'll just skip over it. Anyhow after BB and Co were done with England they turned to the Jam jar.

"AH! ENGLAND HAS MDE AN OFFERING OF JAM!"  
"It would be impolite not to eat it." Said Russia with a smile.

"LET US ALL PARTAKE IN THE JAM!" Said the J.A.M.

"EXCELLENT!"And with that BB pulled out a loaf of bread and a knife from somewhere behind his back and started spreading the Jam on slices, both sides.

"HAVE ALL A SLICE OF BREAD WITH THE MOST HOLY JAM!?" Asked BB once he was one.

"YES!" Shouted the J.A.M.

"Da," said Russia, holding a Jam-coated slice.

"THEN LET US EAT!" And the Jam cult began eating as one.

Exactly 0.00001 seconds later they were all on the floor, clutching at their stomachs in agony.

"Apparently even Jam-fanaticism cannot withstand the power of England's cooking." said I happily.

"Damn you Near," hissed England from his position on the ground. "I knew you letting me make the Jam had to be some sort of plot!"

"Oh well, alls well that ends well-"

"What do you mean 'alls well that ends well', I'm a bloody mess on the floor-"

"Oh look Australia you can have England again!"

"ENGLAAAAND!"

"OH F%$- huurk."

"JAM, WHY?" Sobbed BB. "WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED MEEEE?"

"Russia will not tolerate this evil Jam, even if it does have such a pleasing red colour." Said Russia in a state of slow death.

"We will never forgive you Jam." hissed the J.A.M.

"My heart bleeds for you," said I flatly to the pitiful form on the ground. "Australia, England, come one, let's get going before Fate finds some way to screw with us some more."

And that ladies and gentlemen was how I defeated the Jam cult. Right now we're heading for the nearest city, hopefully there we can find some food that isn't 'bush-tucker' or England's cooking because one makes me sick and the other makes me dead.

**The Score: Near: 21 Fate: 34**

**29th of February**

**Somewhere in the Australian outback**

**Heading towards civilisation**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: Australia actually really was infatuated with England in the early twentieth century, seriously most Australians considered themselves dual citizens with the UK. Oh and one more thing: how come no one review any more? I keep getting less and less... and you know how it works, you review I write. Thus the more you review the more I write, so if you want me to write more you know what to do!**


	37. Rebellion Entry 5: The Return of BB

Disclaimer: I do not own Death note, Neon Genesis Evangeleon Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Greeting my faithful readers, it is I, your long suffering host Near writing once more to deliver you a tale of personal misfortune for your sick and twisted pleasure.

Anyhow, today's tale began when we arrived in Darwin, which happens to be a rather large city on the northern Australian coastline.

"At last, civilisation," gasped I as I caught sight of the city. "I can finally have something besides 'bush tucker' and poison for breakfast!"

"Hmmrrph!" Said England, voice muffled due to the pair of arms in a vice grip around his throat.

"You aren't complaining about England's cooking are you?" Asked the person attached to said arms, also known as Australia, projecting an aura of evil on par with Russia.

"Er… no, not at all." Said I, feeling my lifespan rapidly decrease.

"Good." Said Australia before burying his face in England's neck.

"… Anyhow, now that we're here, we have a new problem." Declared I. "We originally came here in order to escape Fate's mechanics. However it has become clear that even in Australia's vast bushland and stupidly high percentage of poisonous plants and animals Fate is no less deterred from her quest of driving us to death and insanity (and variations thereof). So now we need to decide what to do next, any ideas?"

England motioned with his hand, after a moment Australia loosened his grip slightly. "Ahh, sweet air, oh how I have missed you!" Gasped England. "May we never be parted again-"  
I frowned. "Did you have anything you wanted to say or did you just want to have an affair with the atmosphere?"

England blinked. "Er, right. Anyhow, I think we should all head to my country, my magic is far stronger over there and I'll be able to protect us far better on home ground."

Australia gasped. "Do you mean I can go to England! Hooray! I've always wanted to see big brother's vital regions!"

England twitched, "Australia, could you do me a favour?"

Australia smiled and nodded. "Anything for you big brother!"

England twitched again. "_Never say that again_."  
However our outburst of democracy was not to last as suddenly what appeared to be a riot started crashing through the streets of the city before us.

"What the *****BLEEP*****!" Exclaimed England as he spotted the signs they were waving and who was leading them.

"I second that." Commented I, feeling *BLEEP* was an accurate assessment. For those of you who care, Australia was too busy 'snuggling' to make a comment.

On the streets before us was a gathering of several hundred people, all waving various signs, banners and the odd baby painted with anti Jam symbol (a Jam Jar and a circle with a diagonal line over it for the dunces among you).

At their very front was the man known as Russia with a megaphone. "Come and join us comrades!" Shouted Russia. "The Jam has betrayed the people, it is time to rise up and seize power in the name of the Proletariat and drive the Jam from the world!"

England blinked. "I thought that w$#^ was obsessed with Jam, what's going on?"  
"Don't think about it too hard," advised I. "Insanity has no boundaries in this place, Russia becoming an anti-Jam revolutionary is relatively normal."

England groaned. "But he was worshipping it a few days ago, it doesn't make any sense!"  
"Trying to apply sense, sanity or anything remotely comprehensible to this fic is a one way ticket to the asylum," stated I. "Then again you''d probably be able to understand this place a lot better with a dozen or so screws loose. Not that you'd want to."

I was completely serious there, just so you know. Seriously, right now it's a throw up between this fic and the original Neon Genesis Evangeleon's ending episodes as to which one makes more sense.  
It was at this moment Russia spoke again, pointing to the docks "behold, our leader arrives on the waves!"

Suddenly Australia's watch began beeping.

"Huh?", mini-Australia looked at his watch over England's shoulder, "what's this?"

"You have an early-warning system installed in Western Australia now," informed England. "Apparently a threat is on it's way".

"Oh no, Protect me big brother!" Australia tightened his grip for comfort. England struggled to breathe.

Shaking my head in despair I looked at Australia's watch, where a large red button was flashing, after Pressing the button a message played:

"WARNING! WARNING! INCOMING HAM!"

"Eh, what does that mean?" Asked Australia.

"That my sanity is about to take a dive off the deep end," sighed I, rubbing my temple. "We might as well see what Fate's cooked up for us this time."

After a moment England conjured up three sets of binoculars so we could see. After spotting Russia's target, we decided not to get a microphone for audio for obvious reasons.

"I HAVE ARRIVED MY MINIONS!" Said BB, voice clear even from where we were. "I HEREBY CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF THE ANTI-JAM WHATCHAMACALLIT!"

**Near: 21 Fate: 35**

"That is what we call a 'large ham', because being around them gives you a headache like you've been beaten over the head with one." I explained to Australia.

"Oh, hey, he said he's claiming me! I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH THE STRANGE MAN!" Screamed Australia. "SAVE ME BIG BROTHER!"

"Sorry Australia," said England, looking blue around the lips due to oxygen deprivation. "But big brother has to pass out now." Which he promptly did.

Lucky b%$#&.

"Oh no, big brother passed out!" Exclaimed Australia. "Those nasty people must have done it! I'll teach them not to mess with big brother! I SHALL AVENGE YOU ENGLAND!" And with that he jumped off England and ran off towards BB and co, who were talking again.

"ONCE WE WERE LOYAL SERVANTS OF THE JAM! BUT THEN JAM BETRAYED US, SO NOW WE FIGHT BACK! NOW WE STRIVE TO END JAM ONCE AND FOR ALL! TO THIS END WE HAVE TAKEN OVER JAPAN AND RE-NAMED IT THE ANTI-JAM WHATCHAMACALLIT WITH MYSELF AS THE FUHER-PRESIDENT-PREMIER-PRIME MINISTER-TSAR-EMPEROR-KING-CHIEF-CONSUL!" There was instantaneous cheering from the crowd who were all apparently under the standard amount of braincells.

"OUR LOYAL COMRADES IN RUSSIA HAVE ALREADY UNITED WITH OUR ANTI-JAM WHTACHACALLIT! NOW WE MUST GO TO THE REST OF THE WORLD AND SAVE THEM FROM THE JAM! STARTING HERE DOWNUNDER WE WILL RESCUE OUR AUSTRALIAN COMRADES BY ANNEXING THEIR COUNTRY INTO OUR WHATCHAMACALLIT AND PURGING EVERYTHING I- I MEAN **WE** DON'T LIKE!" More cheering from the crowd, who I would like to point out was mostly comprised out of Australians. BB would probably have gone on until my ears ruptured but it was at this moment a tiny figure bulldozed through the crowd and jumped up onto the podium BB was standing on.

"HEY YOU!" Shouted Australia. "YOU HURT BIG BROTHER! **NOW YOU DIE**!"  
"WAIT!" Cried BB, holding his hands out before him, I would just like to point out right now that BB was wearing his 'L impersonation' clothing right now opposed to the toga he was wearing before, just in case you were wondering. Russia had also de-jammed his scarf, also just in case you were wondering.

Anyway, back to BB. "WAIT! I SWEAR I HAVE HURT NO-ONE'S BIG BROTHER!"

Mini Australia stopped. "Huh? But you have to have been the ones to have hurt big brother!"

BB shook his head, "WE SWEAR WE HAVE NOT HURT YOUR BIG BROTHER. BUT IF SOMEONE HAS HURT HIM IT MUST BE PART OF THE JAMS PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!"  
Australia gasped. "Jam hurt big brother!? Jam. MUST! **DIE!**"

"INDEED!" Said BB. "LET US FORM AN ALLIANCE AND CRUSH THIS EVIL BIG-BROTHER HAURTING JAM!"

"Great idea!" Grinned Australia. "Lets go and hunt down Jam together!"

**Near: 21 Fate: 36**

"Well it looks like the s^%$ has hit the fan," said England in a conversational tone, dusting off his jacket.

I turned to him, "that was a quick recovery time for someone for just passed out."

England froze for a second. "Er-"  
"You just pretended to pass out so Australia would get off didn't you." Stated I in a flat tone.

"... Maybe." Said England, looking a bit awkward.

"Don't be, it would be a good plan if it wasn't so obvious." Responded I. "So now that you've finished playing possum would you like to diffuse this situation? Australia's current insanity means we can use him as a weapon against Fate and I would hate having to give up any kind of advantage."

"... Do I really have to?" Whinged England. "I mean, now I get breathe occasionally."

"Do you want to leave your little brother in the hands of that madman?"

England raised a gigantic eyebrow at me. "If you ask me it's not so much a question of leaving Australia in the hands of that madman as a question of leaving the madman in the hands of Australia."

"... You have a point, let's get out of here."

Unfortunately we never got the chance as suddenly...

"Oh, hello there England, want to become one with me?" Asked Russia from behind England.

**Near: 21 Fate: 37**

"ARGHH!" Screamed England in a high-pitched voice. "WHERE THE F^%$ DID YOU CRAWL OUT FROM!?"

"Oh I spotted you a few minutes ago and walked up while you two were talking, you really should pay more attention, now you will be becoming one with me, Da?" Russia's child-like evil aura starting flowing over us like waves.

"Er, England," said I, feeling more than a little bit scared. "Can't you magic us out of here or something?"

England swallowed. "I thought you didn't trust my magic."

"I don't," responded I, feeling cold sweat running down my back. "I trust Russia's goodwill less." Don't think I'm attached to England or anything, I mean he is occasionally useful but I would sell him out the moment it suited me. But if Russia takes England who's going to defend me from Fate?

"Oh, you're not planning on running away are you?" Asked Russia, smiling happily as he took out his pipe from somewhere I don't want to think about. "Because you do, _**you and General Pipe will be getting very close, da**_?"

"Er, no, of course not," I hurriedly reassured Russia. "We were just- OH MY GOD THERE'S JAM!" I pointed behind Russia.

Russia smiled. "Don't be silly, Jam's not there, if it was General Pipe would have said something."  
"Er, um... maybe General Pipe has turned traitor to the Jam, yes that it, he just pretended to change sides to spy on you and lure you into a trap so Jam could get you!"  
Russia looked surprised. "Is that so? Oh pipe, you're just so good to me," he started rubbing the pipe against his cheek. "pretending to stay with Jam just to lure Jam to me so I could get at it. You are a very good piece of plumbing, yes you are!"  
"... He's just going to twist around everything I say to what he wants to hear isn't he?" Asked I in a sad voice.

"Oh yes, insanity is helpful that way." said England in an equally depressed tone.

"Oh pipe you're so good to me, so kind and hard and cold," sang Russia."So very useful for beating England's head into mush!"

"Er, what's say we get out of here before he come to his senses?"

"Excellent suggestion," said England, looking a little bit queasy. "Right, I've got just the spell to get us out of here!" And with that he closed his eyes and started Chanting.

Unfortunately, as always Fate was not our side but instead committing all her resources to driving us into insanity.

"WE HAVE LOCATED THE SMALL AND STALKERISH ONE'S BIG BROTHER!" Called out BB's voice. I looked around to see BB and Australia standing a few metres away from us with what appeared to be the entire population of Darwin standing behind them. "LET US NOW LIBERATE HIM FROM THE JAM BY CONQUERING- I MEAN **INDUCTING **HIM INTO OUR ANTI-JAM WHATCHMACALLIT!"

"Don't worry big brother!" Shouted Australia. "Once you are one with us we can rule the world together!"

Seeing as England was rapidly speeding up the spell I guessed becoming one with his little brother was not on his to-do-list so I decided to stall for time. "… I think England wants to become one with you but needs a few minutes to think about it first, alright? So why don't we just back off for a few minutes until we have our answer?" AKA, until England had finished his spell and we were hopefully far, far away from the local whackjobs.

Australia gasped.. "Did you hear that BB? England wants to become one with us!"  
"Hooray!" Cheered Russia. "Let's claim his vital regions!"

"I get them first!" Said Australia.

England looked like he wanted to cry, probably because he was now faced with the choice of giving his 'vital regions' to either an insane pipe-fetishist or his possibly equally as insane little brother who apparently liked him a whole lot more than England wanted.

"LET US CLAIM THE STLAKERISH ONE'S BIG BORTHER'S VITAL REGIONS THIS INSTANT!" Declared BB and with that the various people surrounding us surged forward like a demented sweaty tidal wave.

**Near: 21 Fate: 38**

"No, wait, we haven't said yes yet!" Protested I.

"AND LET US ALSO CLAIM THE WHITE ONE'S VITAL REGIONS! **WITH PEANUT BUTTER!**"

**Near: 21 Fate: 39**

"Oh F%$#." Declared I.

Fortunately for us one of those rare moments in which Fate's plan's backfired occurred as Russia suddenly grabbed England. "No, England will become one with Russia first!"

This even sparked off an unintentional chain reaction, as Russia was now crushing England's ribs in a bear hug England now unable to continue his spell. Now, since he had already done most the spell all he had to do was input the location he wished to go to. As England did not input any location the spell just searched for the nearest indication of any location. Guess which nation was the nearest to England at the time?

There was a suddenly bang and a sensation not unlike having ones feet dragged out from under them and I found myself lying on top of snow, England's form a few metres away.

"Plggh!" Spat England as he sat up, snow flying out of his mouth. "Where hell are we?"

"You tell me," I snapped testily. "It was your spell that brought us here!"

England thought for a moment, "let's see now, I was chanting, then Russia and Australia started laying claim to... never mind. Then Russia suddenly grabbed me and – **OH f%$#$#%^&^e$e$^#$^$d)^$%^$A^$%#$S*&*% A TURKEY r^%$^*$#!**" England's face was a combination of shock, horror, and possibly food poisoning.

"Wow," stated I. "I think you actually managed to turn the air blue there for a moment. So we're in Russia right?"

**Near: 21 Fate: 340**

England glared at me, "how did you know that, I haven't even told you yet!"

"Well it would be the logical choice now wouldn't it (not that Logic has any place in this world): it's freezing, your c%$#^& magic actually worked for once since this obviously isn't Australia, and Russia was the one who grabbed you. Oh and it would the worst possible place for us to go since we've both just spent the last few days sweltering in Australia meaning the shock to our systems will probably kill in a few minutes, and even if it doesn't Russia happens to live here and probably has his entire army ready for action to either capture us or help us into the great beyond."

England blinked. "You talk a lot, and if you already knew we were in Russia why didn't you just tell me?"

"I wanted to see your expression when you realised it yourself." I said truthfully.

"You little W%$#&!"  
"No actually, I don't, my experiences here have pretty much traumatised me into asexuality, mind you I don't I even know if I had one to begin with since the manga and animé gave me ziltch emotions-"

"Shut up! Groaned England. "I already have a headache and I don't need your gas-bagging to add to it."

"Well I suppose I really shouldn't break the fourth wall so much, it seems to be tempting Fate," replied I. "But it's not like thing's could get much worse could they?"

Both I and England froze exactly 000.02 of a second after I said that. For those of your too stupid to work out why this was for yourselves: I had just said things couldn't get any worse, Fate's goal in life is to make mine worse, stating that thing's couldn't get any worse ,like a challenge to her, or a personal invitation to show just how creative she can be.

"**F^%^**." Said England and I as one. Exactly 00.01 of a second later an avalanche bowled us both over.

**Near: 21 Fate: 41**  
And so there you have it, England and I eventually managed to dig our way to each other and right now we're in a little snow cavern. I'm writing by the light of one of England's fairies who bears an incredibly disturbing resemblance to Misa (apparently they can become visible when they want to, which raises the question of why America can't see them when England wants him to). Right now England's digging out a way to the surface, which I'm really supposed to be helping with- ah, sorry about this ladies and gentlemen but England is now threatening to sick his fairies on me if I don't actually do some of the digging so this is Near, signing off.

**The score: Near: 21 Fate: 41**

**5****th**** of March**

**Somewhere in Russia**

**Being press-ganged into digging snow**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note: Sorry about how late this is, I'll be trying to put up the next chapter ASAP as compensation. Oh, and just to let all you people who have been reviewing that you're the reason I still write when my life is this hectic!**


	38. Rebellion Entry 6: Near vs Russia

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Look after thirty-eight chapters of this I'm sure you've worked out that I, this stories long-suffering chew-toy, am Near. And I'm sure you have a vague idea of just how much I despise you all so I'll just jump straight into recounting today's daily dose of insanity (the fashionable way to counteract the little pills the nice men force down your throat at the place your relatives dumped you when your depraved fantasies involving the neighbours got vocal).

Anyhow, I and England had finally managed to escape our snow cavern and were now walking around aimlessly in the vague hope of either finding civilisation (preferably Fate-free) or freezing to death before Russia found us and brutally raped us with 'General pipe'.

"Hey England?" Asked I, my breath making little steam-puffs in front of us. "Can't you magic us out of here?"

England stopped walking, "is that you Canada?" He peered around, apparently missing me.

"No you idiot, it's me, Near! You know, the only sane person besides you in the entire world."

England Blinked. "Oh, so you are, it's just that you blend in with the snow too well, you need to start wearing something besides white pyjamas."

My frozen limbs agreed as pyjamas happen to have very little in the way of heat retention.

"Whatever, so why can't you magic us out of here anyway?"  
England sighed. "I tried earlier but for some reason it just fizzled out, I think Russia's evil overpowered it."

"Oh well, any ideas where to go before we're frozen to death?" Asked I.

"We could always rent a hotel room." Said England.

"... A hotel room?"

"Yes, I do believe that's what I said."

"As in a room in a building, as in a man-made structure capable of holding out of the elements, as in _civilisation_?"

England looked awkward. "Er, yeah, that's one way to put it."

"Well I would _love_ to go rent a hotel room. In fact I would settle for a cardboard box right now, hell I right I would give up one of my kidneys for a cardboard box!" Hissed I. "But you see right now we happen to be in the middle of nowhere, without so much as a dirt road to civilisation, so I think renting a hotel room might be a tad difficult, don't you?"

England blinked, before pointing into the distance, "what on earth are you babbling about, there's one right there!"

And so there was, in the distance a what appeared to be a large town, just visible on the horizon.

"Seems a bit too convenient to me," stated I. "It's probably Fate screwing with us again. Lets keep on going."

England raised an eyebrow. "So you want us to keep going through miles upon miles of snow with no food, water or other essentials as opposed to taking refuge in the inhabited village up ahead?"

"No I want us to keep going through miles upon miles of snow rather than walking into a trap Fate has obviously set that will probably lead us to a slow, humiliating death involving anything and everything from sporks to cheese graters."

England blanched. "Point taken, onwards to hypothermia!" We turned around as one to start walking back the way we came.

To see a group of soldiers being lead by Russia quickly marching to our position less than a mile away.

**Near: 21 Fate: 42**

"...." Said I.

"F%$#" said England, eloquent as always. "You know what, why don't we go to the village after all, at least there we can hide from Russia as opposed being chased across freezing snow until they catch brutally murder us both."

"You have a point." Conceded I. "But this is still an obvious plot by Fate to screw us over even worse."

"Probably." Agreed England as we turned as one and ran towards the town.

*****

England fell to his knees as we made it into the town centre. "Arghh, I really am getting out shape."

"Yes, I thought you could go a lot faster than that but there you go." Agreed I, from my position on his back.

"What on- how long have you been there?"

"Since about two seconds after we started running, I realised that my legs happen to be near useless. So used my brain and decided to hitch a ride."  
"You mean you've been using me as a packhorse so you didn't have to run!?"

"I do believe so," said I as I jumped off England. "Now, lets find a hiding spot before Russia comes

along."

I turned to a local while England spluttered in rage. "Excuse me, is there anywhere two travellers could go to to hide from the authorities?" Asked I in Russian.

A blonde woman raised an eyebrow at me. "Excuse me, do you honestly think any Russian would give sanctuary to people who are so obviously enemies of the state!? Of all the-"

"I have American money."

"Fourth alleyway on the right, third door to your left, the password is 'Vodka."

"Thank you, it was good doing business with you ." Said I as I handed her a couple of hundred dollar notes.

"Eh, where did you get those from?" Asked England.

"I pick-pocketed you while I was on your back." Replied I as we made our way to to the alleyway. "I might have had to sell you out later and I didn't want to have to rely on the kindness of strangers, seeing as Fate would make sure they were secretly axe-murderers or pimps."

"Y-you-little-ARGHHH!" Groaned England.

**Near: 22 Fate: 42**

Finally we arrived and after giving the password to a man with shifty eyes through a small slot in the door. Unfortunately, what we found inside was not what we expected.

The walls were neon-pink, the carpet and ceiling purple and there was furniture strewn across the room in a hap-hazard manner, a table here, a chair there, a hat stand hanging from a bookshelf. And of course the king-sized bed in the middle of it all with three figures dressed in dresses Engaging in an unfortunate activity involving body parts and cabbages.

"MY EYES!" Screeched England, clutching at said body parts as if to protect them from further abuse.

"I wondered where you lot had gone." Said I. "So is there any kind of story behind this or did you lot just get transplanted here to make my day just that little bit worse?"

The Elopers looked up as one, continuing their evil orgy while we chatted. "Oh, nice to see you Near," Sighed Mello despite the fact that he's supposed to hate me with the passion of a thousand suns. "Are you here to join up? We just started working here ourselves and let me tell you it's the best job in the world!"

"Er, how should I say this: _**NO**_." Replied I. "What exactly is this place anyway?"

"It's my palace O' Love." Came a Voice from behind me. I screamed and turned around to see Ryuk standing behind me. "Nice to see ya Near, did ya come to delve into the world earthly delights?"

I stared at Ryuk, feeling more than a little disturbed. This was due to the fact Ryuk was dressed in a tight pink suit with slicked-back hair, sunglasses and a large chain of gold apples hanging around his neck.

"What the hell!?" Screamed I.

"Oh, I guess you didn't know about this place after all," chuckled Ryuk. "A few weeks ago I found out that you can buy loads of apples with stuff called 'money'. After chatting with Light for a while we came to the conclusion that the best way for me to get money for was for me to become Light and his friends pimp and open a brothel in Russia."

"... Oh, I see that makes perfect sense..." said I, rather dazed. _Trust 'I'll make eating chips dramatic' __to come up with that kind of idea._

"Anyhow, now that you're here, let me welcome you to Club Apple, where you get paid to sleep with the whores!" Grinned Ryuk.

"Wait, aren't people supposed to pay _for_ sleeping with the whores?"

"Nah, Light and his friends actually pay me to make sure they the extra variety in their sex life, I get money, and the patrons run a small risk getting a life-threatening STI. Everybody wins!"

"... I have nothing to say to that."

"I do!" Screamed England. "LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!" However remained on the floor, sobbing, probably because he was too disturbed by the Elopers to remember how to move.

"Wimp." Said I. Honestly, it wasn't that bad on the scale of mental trauma, then again I might have just grown resistant to mental damage over time. Like how you don't get as bad a cold if you recently got over one.

I was suddenly bear-hugged from behind. "NEAR-CHAN! YOUR VIRGINTY IS MINE!" Came L's screeching voice.

I shrieked and my hand reflexively reached behind me to grab L's ... nether regions through a pair of rough jeans and proceed to yank them down a good two inches.

"MY HAPPY SACK!" Screamed L as he dropped me and curled into a ball.

"MY HAND!" Screeched I. "IT TOUCHED- EW! EW! EW!"

"Heh, who's the wimp now?" Asked England in a smug tone.

"Who's the one on the floor?" Asked I. "Where were you hiding anyway?" I asked L.

"Whrragghhh..." moaned L, rolling around the floor.

"He says he was hiding on the ceiling, spider-man style." Said Mello, doing things to Light.

"Oh well, that makes perfect sense then." said I. "Well if you excuse me I and Eyebrows-tan here need to get going-"

"Eyebrows-Tan!" Shouted England incredulously.

"It seemed appropriate, what with your eyebrows taking up a good third of your face." Responded I.

"Why you little wan-"

"Do you want to have this conversation here or some place where people aren't abusing cabbages?"

"... Point taken," England stood up and dusted off is army uniform.

I looked to Ryuk. "So Ryuk, do you know of any places around here that we can hide out in that is _not_, in fact, a brothel in disguise?"

"Hmm," Ryuk scratched his chin with one finger. "Well there's a secret place under the local cinema that'll hide from whoever you like."

"Brilliant, what's the catch?"

"I didn't say there was a catch."  
"There is always a catch."

"Well now that you mention it I seem to remember that the owner is in the habit of drugging young boys and-"  
"Never mind, anywhere else?"

"The bar across the street hides people from the army on a regular basis but..."

"But what?"

"They're kinda organ traders who steal kidneys, also on a regular basis."  
"I don't suppose you know of anywhere in this town that does _not_ actively attempt to rape/cause grievous bodily harm to anyone who comes to them for help?"

"Sure!" Grinned Ryuk. "There's some guys down at the power station that'll take care of you, so long as you have American money that is."

"Really," I thought for a second. "Hang, on, just what type of power station are we talking about?"

"One of the old Nuclear ones, an economy model with exactly ziltch shielding around the core so you get to soak up some high-quality radiation!"

I face-palmed. "Is there nowhere in this country which is actually safe!?"

"Of course not you stupid sheep, it's Russia!" Snapped England. He turned to Ryuk. "Look you demented clown, where and when is the next train out of Russia?"

"Oh, there's a train station just outside of town, takes about ten minutes to walk there."

"Oh really?" Asked I, feeling a tad suspicious of this sudden turn of good luck. "And when does the next train leave?"

"About five minutes from now."

"And just when is the next train after that due?"

"About two weeks." Ryuk grinned again. "You better put some running shoes on!"

*****

And that was how England and I raced out of 'Club apple' and into a blizzard.

"Oh of _course_! A Blizzard starting up from nowhere just as we're racing to get to our last hope of salvation!" Shouted I sarcastically. "What an amazing coincidence!"

"Almost as amazing as the one that you're on my back again, get off you lazy sheep!" And with that England tried to throw me off.

To which I replied by grabbing hold of his ears and using them as handles.

"Arggh!" Screamed England.

"Keep moving and you won't feel the pain, stop and/or and try and buck me off and I'll be adding these to my toybox."  
"LITTLE *BLEEP*!"

"Yes, yes, that's very nice, now be a good packhorse and keep going before Russia works out where we are and beats us all to death with 'General Pipe'."  
In yet another 'amazing coincidence', guess who suddenly appeared on the path behind us.  
"Ahh, England and Sheep, I have found you at last! Now you will become one with me and General Pipe!" Said Russia as he ran up to us.

"Argghhh! Yip, Yip England!" Cried I as I jerked on England's ears.

"Arghhh! MY EARS! MY EARS! YOU'R RIPPING THEM OFF!"  
"Less talking more running!" And with that (and a kick kick to the ribs) England sped off along the road like the Roadrunner on coffee.

"Oh, don't you want to become one with me? _Too bad_." And with that Russia suddenly tucked his piper between his legs ad started riding it like a broomstick. Which wouldn't have been so bad a development as it suddenly started acting like a broom stick.

An extremely _fast_ broomstick.

"What the, since when can plumbing do that?" Screeched I.

"Er, I sort of did that, Russia saw the Harry Potter movies and wanted an upgrade.."  
"And you gave him one!?"

"Have you tried saying no to him?"

"Point taken, and speaking of points here's one for you: because of your cowardice Russia is less than a metre away so GIDDIEUP ENGLAND!"

"ARGHHH!" Screamed England, either out of horror of Russia being so close or the fact his ears were now on the verge of declaring independence. Possibly both.

At any rate there was little time to spare upon pondering such mysteries of the universe as we suddenly turned a corner and arrived at the train station. This was a mixed blessing of sorts, as we had reached our destination in time. However the object of our desire had apparently decided to leave a minute early.

"SON OF A *BLEEP*!" Shouted England.

"I second that statement," said I.

"Oh? I was pretty sure my mother was a country." Said Russia's voice behind us. "In fact I'm sure she said so- where did they go?"

Russia most likely asked the above question as England, having a healthy fear of Russia, suddenly bolted in the direction of the train.

"Well England, I had no idea you could run this fast!" Complimented I.

"Sh-Shut up you sheep." Gasped England as he legs began to slow down.

"Oh, Englllannndddd!" Sang Russia as he came up behind us. "General Pipe want to have some fun with you!"

"Argh! NEVER!" Exclaimed England as his legs sped up again, causing us to catch up to train. The very car before us I took the chance to jump off England's back and onto the railing, using his face as a jumping platform.

"ARGHHH!" Screamed England he fell onto the tracks, Russia suddenly ramming him from behind.

"Ouch, that must really hurt," stated I as I pulled myself over the rails, a brief look around showing me that I was in a transport car.

"Damn straight it does," gasped England as he pulled himself over the rails.

"How did you manage to get up here so fast?"

"Being rammed up the arse by Russia was good incentive."

I nodded in under standing, then something occurred to me. Two some thing's actually."Hey England?"

"Yes?"

"Where's Russia?" And with that I looked above the railing to see Russia steadily gaining on us.

"We're F%$#&." Stated England a sad voice. "Well Near it a was depressing experience knowing you, excuse me while I go jump beneath the wheels."

"No need for that England," said I, letting a grin crawl across my features.

"Eh, why not?" Asked England, "Unless- you're not throwing me to Russia as a distraction!"

"Oh nothing like that," said I calmly. "Just a thought that might save us."  
"Oh? And just what is that?"

"Well..." I said in a calm voice. "If your magic was cancelled out earlier by Russia's evil, then how is it keeping 'General Pipe' flying?"

The universe seemed to halt for a second . Then Russia suddenly crashed into the railway as the magic keeping his pipe afloat disappeared via logic.

**Near: 23 Fate: 42**

And so here we are, several hours later, hiding in the back compartment of the train. England's still recovering from his 'incident' with Russia. I'm still recovering from my life general and we're on the verge of hypothermia, but since when has anything gone right in my life?

**The Score: Near: 23 Fate: 42**

**6****th**** of March**

**On a train out of Russia**

**Getting ready to go to sleep behind a crate**

**Nate Rivers**


	39. Rebellion Entry 7: The Polish Incident

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

I can't be bothered with my usual ranting today so I'll just get straight into it.

Today's insanity began when England and I were walking around Poland, having recently snuck off the train.

"Arghh," groaned England. "I think I slept on a bolt!"

I shook my head. "Oh do stop whinging, at least we're out of Russia. Speaking of which are there any train lines that from Russia to Poland?"  
"I haven't a clue, I'm _England_, not _Poland_, thank heavens."

"Whatever, it's just that I can't stand it when things like arriving at a destination by a train line when they're not actually connected. It usually means Fate's decided to screw with me some more."

And, right on schedule, Poland suddenly popped up out nowhere.

"Like, what are you guys, like, doing here?" Asked Poland.

"Oh, not this idiot," groaned England

"I really need to stop tempting Fate," remarked I, rubbing my temples. "It's like painting a bullseye on my forehead.."

"Hey, are you, like, feeling all right little sheep?" Asked Poland.

"No, my last scraps of sanity are dying a slow and painful death and it's giving me one hell of a headache." Deadpanned I. "And why does everyone think I'm a sheep?"

"Because you're, like, one obviously." Declared Poland. "Oh! I just the most fabulous idea, since you're, like, sick or something why don't I, like, take you to my house and you can, like, rest it off?"

I frowned. "Er, sorry but I don't think you can't rest off mental trauma."

"Sure you, like, can!" Said Poland, suddenly grabbing my wrist in an iron grip with one hand and doing the to England with his other. "Come, like, on!" And with that he started racing off, which would have been all well and good if he hadn't been dragging us with him. This of course resulted in me having to run as fast as my little legs could carry me and England getting dragged along the road due to being unprepared when Poland ran off, resulting in him digging a trench in the road via faceplant.

**Near: 23 Fate: 43**

*****

"Okay, we're, like, here now!" Said Poland, releasing us at last just outside his house, resulting feeling returning to my hand and England getting up at last, revealing a scuffed face and...

"England?"

"Yes?"  
'What happened to your eyebrows?"

"Eh?" England looked confused for a moment before reaching up to feel bare skin where his famous eyebrows had once graced. "Arghh! They must have rubbed off along the way!"

"It's, like, an improvement, you should totally like thank me for it!" Said Poland, striking a pose.

"You W$#*^!" England spat as he stood up. "I should annex Warsaw for that!"

"You aren't like, allowed to do that," said Poland. "Only other countries are allowed to, like, invade countries."

"Eh what're you going on about?" Asked England.

Poland struck another pose. "Well, don't you, like, belong to America?"  
"What?" Asked England in a flat tone. "NEVER!"

"So you mean that you like, aren't his fifty-first state?" Inquired Poland, confusion gracing his features.

"NO!

"Oh, like, I'm sorry. Puerto Rico's number fifty-one, you're fifty-two. Like, thanks for reminding me!" Said Poland, slapping his hand fist together in apparent understanding.

"NO! NO! **NO!**" Raged England "I'm not a part of America!"

"Oh, that like, right," exclaimed Poland. "You're like, a part of the European Union now aren't you!"

"Er, yes, but how does that stop me from invading Warsaw?" Asked England, confused once again.

"Because your army, like, belongs to the EU now doesn't it?"  
"F%$# NO!" Screamed England.

Poland waved England's objections away. "Whatever, anyhow you're not getting better out here, like, get inside!" And with that Poland dragged us into his house.

The interior of his house was... bright. That's putting is gently, the place was covered in wallpaper of all colours of the rainbow, and all the edges were lined with frills, at the end of the entry hallway were two large bright pink doors, painted with an image of fluffy rabbits playing in a bright pink field. Or at least, that's what I hope they were doing, I mean, rabbits and this fic? Not a pretty combination.

"Like, welcome to my, like, totally awesome abode guys. Like, totally make yourselves at home!" Said Poland.

"Er, Poland?" Asked England, looking a bit queasy. "Are you colour blind by any chance?"

"Like, no. Like, why did you, like, ask?"  
"Oh, nothing really," Said England in a sad voice. "It's just that the combination of vomit green and pus yellow isn't doing much for my stomach."

"On the up side," stated I. "Your eyebrows have grown back."

"What?" England reached up and touched his eyebrows. "Ahh, I felt naked without them!"  
"They really do regenerate fast, well I suppose it explains why you don't bother to wax them, just imagine how many strips you would go through in an hour!"

England's indignant reply was cut off as the doors ahead of us suddenly swung open, revealing Russia in a stereotypical scientist uniform and a laboratory of some sort behind him.

"Oh, England and Sheep, how nice to see you again, I was just about to perform an experiment, would you like to watch?" Asked Russia with a smile.

"... Poland, just out of curiosity, why do you have Russia using your basement of a Laboratory?" Asked England, a resigned expression of his face. Apparently the poor fellow had just come to terms with the fact that no matter what he dopes for as long as he is a part of this fic there will be no escape of the insanity that follows us around like a stalker. An extremely sadistic stalker with disturbing fetishes and a serious need for medication and/or sedation.

"It's, like, all the rage to have a crazy scientist with weird machines and unwilling test subjects hidden in your basement!" Exclaimed Poland, flicking a stray lock of hair over his shoulder.

I shook my head, "right, of _course_ it is. Tell me, did a strange woman with red hair tell you about this new trend in fashion?"

"Poland blinked. "Yeah, like, how did you, like, know?"

"Just a hunch," sighed I.

**Near: 23 Fate: 44**

"Oh, excuse me, but if you're done talking I would like to begin the experiment now," said Russia in a polite voice.

England quickly started talking. "Oh well, we're late for a meeting so if you don't ,mind we will just-"

Russia pulled his pipe out from nowhere and started twirling it like a baton.

"On second thought we would love to watch." Said England without missing a beat.

"Come on then," said Russia happily, humming to himself as he marched into the laboratory.

"Coward," stated I as we marched forwards into whatever Russia's demented mind could conjure.

"Oh, and just would you have said in my situation?" Snapped England.

"I would have told Russia that you wanted to become one with him and run off while he was busy with you."

"Y-You expect me to sacrifice myself for your sake!?"  
"I would have come back to save you!" Protested I.

England's eyes narrowed. "Would you really?" He asked, suspicion shadowing his features.

"No, probably not." Admitted I, "oh look, we're here."

"Welcome!" Exclaimed Russia, throwing his arms wide as he did so. "Welcome to my laboratory, where we are on the cutting edge of resistance-reducing technology which will be later used to help consolidate my rule over all other nations!"

"Wow, what a shocker." Said England in a flat tone. I took the chance to examine the laboratory before us. There was a strange machine in the middle of the room, along with a few disturbing machines scattered around it. It consisted of two large vertical glass tubes with a steel pipe of some sort between them and a large red button right in the middle. Inside the tube to the left was Prussia, desperately trying to claw his way out, to the right was Italy, obliviously eating pasta.

"Help me, he's after my awesome!" Screeched Prussia.

"Please observe, this is the 'Switch-O-Matic two-billion'. I was originally going to go for two-thousand but a red haired woman said billion was cuter!" Said Russia.

England couched into his hand. "Er, this is all well and good but what exactly does this machine do again?"

"Oh, I was getting to that part!" Said Russia, still happily. "You see, most nation's nowadays have good strong personalities that make them determined to resist invasion and assimilation to the last man. However, this machine allows me to exchange a troublesome nation's personality with that of a docile, or this case, useless one."

"It's like I said!" Screeched Prussia. "HE'S AFTER MY AWESOME!"

"Er, just out of curiosity, why did you choose to use Prussia in this? He's technically a dead country so you wouldn't get any benefit from this." Asked England

"Well this is just a test run, I don't want to try this on someone like America in case it backfired horribly. I chose Prussia because no one cares about him," said Russia. "I could kidnap anyone else, even Liechtenstein, and someone would come after me. But no one would come and save someone as pathetic as a dead nation who can't even die properly and rid them of his annoying existence. As for Italy, he's so useless that no-one will notice him missing from his job until they notice the production rate going up!"

I suddenly noticed Prussia had sat down and turned his back to us in the tube, clutching his knees to his chest and sitting still with an aura of deep depression hanging over him like an angry storm cloud.

Italy, on the other hand, was still oblivious.

"It's true," said Prussia in a sad voice. "West probably hasn't even noticed yet..."  
"Oh he noticed," said Russia cheerfully. "In fact when he found out about my experiment he immediately offered to let me have you for a few days so he could get some paperwork done in peace. Oh, and maybe you would get a better personality out of the whole things as well so he would actually have a brother that added to the national image instead of staining it."  
Prussia's depression cloud suddenly expanded a few inches.

"Well now that we're done exposing Prussia's secret insecurities lets start the experiment. If this works I will be able to take over the world in record time!" Said Russia happily, marching forward.

"Wait, are you sure this is safe?" Asked England.

"Yes, for us." And with that Russia pressed the bright red button

Suddenly there was an ear-splitting racket like an Aeroplane Engine and the tubes turned opaque, so all we could tell of what was going on was that Prussia was screaming like a banshee and for some reason it sounded like something was being flushed down a toilet.

Exactly 0.5 seconds later the tubes clear again, revealing Prussia on the floor and Italy unchanged.

"We pride ourselves of speed and efficiency!" Declared Russia happily. "Now let's see the results of the experiment. He pressed a button on a remote that he had apparently pulled out from nowhere, causing the tubes to suddenly pop open.

Prussia suddenly stood up, dusted himself off and walked out.

"Er, are you all right?" Asked England, apparently worried.

"Surprisingly so," replied Prussia in a calm tone.

"Er, what?"

"What's what?"

"Why didn't you scream your answer out in your irritatingly obnoxious manner as usual is what!?"  
Prussia blinked. "Oh, well I would hardly do something so childish and immature as that now would I? Hardly good form for a European Gentleman now is it?"

"Hmm," thought Russia aloud. "It seems that I only managed to move one aspect of his character, while the rest were left alone."

"You mean his 'awesome'?" Asked I flatly.

"Yes, but I have to wonder what he got in return." Russia stroked his chin in thought.

Suddenly Italy appeared beside Russia and tugged on his sleeve. "Hello Russia, would you like pasta?" He offered him a plate of steaming pasta. Where it came from? I haven't a clue.

"No thank you Italy although it is very kind of you to offer," declined Russia, patting Italy on the head.

Italy's smile wavered a bit. "But I really want you to eat it, I worked so hard on it."

"I'm sorry but I'm really not hungry-"

"I SAID EAT IT B^%$#!" Shouted Italy as he snatched 'General Pipe' from Russia and forced pasta down Russia's throat using said Pipe.

"Oh dear, how uncivilised!." Exclaimed Prussia. "Really I'm certain there are more humane ways to resolve our differences."

"YOU WANT SOME TOO YOU PANSY WHITE F^%#$!?"

"... Never mind," said Prussia, exercising the most common sense I have seen in this fic thus far.

"This is really quite disturbing." Stated England in a sad voice. "I think I want to go now."  
"I think I knew I wanted go before I got here," stated I, also in a sad voice.

"I don't suppose I could join up with you boys now could I? I'm a bit worried what these chaps will do to me if I stay." Said Prussia in a civilised voice.

I grinned ever so slightly, which would have caused most people to go pale, but Prussia was already completely white there was no change except for a mild increase in the disturbed look gracing his features. "But of course, the more the merrier and we albinos have to stick together or strange immortal girls will hunt us down and chop us up into little albino slices for her Pizza!"

Prussia blinked. "Er, is that a yes?"  
"I think it is," commented England, trying to ignore the sight of Russia being mouth raped with his own Pipe with pasta by Italy.

"Good, now what do you say to getting out here while Italy's busy with Russia?"  
I smiled again, causing them both to the flinch. "An excellent idea, let's go, now!"

"Hey, like, guy's, like, wait for me!" Cried Poland.

I, not wanting Poland's stupidity to reduce my chances of survival replied, "hey, didn't you know. It's fashionable to stand and watch Russia being brutally murdered with his own pipe!"

Poland blinked. "Like, really? Okay, never mind!" He turned and sat down to watch Russia and Italy doing things that cannot be described without changing our rating, but were surprisingly not sexual for once.

Not that that made it any less disturbing.

And with that the three of us ran out the front door, pointedly ignoring Russia's gurgles of distress. Mainly because ewe did not want to partake in said distress, because said distress may result in grievous bodily harm with a Pipe and Pasta and none of us wanted to have 'Died via Pipe and Pasta' on our gravestones.

After escaping Poland's house we caught a train to Germany, Prussia speaking very nicely to the ticket lady so that she would give us a discount on our ride. I don't know what's going to happen next but as I don't want imagine things Fate could do as she undoubtedly do them just to mess with me I'll be signing off now.

**The Score: Near: 23 Fate: 44**

**8****th**** of march**

**On a train out of Poland**

**Being disturbed by the sight of a polite and genteel Prussia**

**Nate Rivers**


	40. Rebellion Entry 8: Wiki vs Wiki

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Tv , Doctor Who, Torchwood, The Sarah Jane Adventures, or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Welcome one and all to the never-ending torture of what is left of my sanity.

Today I woke up to find, much to irritation that a young woman with blue hair and hetrochromatic eyes (the right being red and the left green) was looking down on my position leaning on a crate where I had slept for the night.

I, having experienced some rather disturbing things occurring shortly after waking to find a girl above me reacted in as calmly and politely as possible.

"GETTHEF&$#^%$FATE!"

For a moment the girl just started, then grinned. "Oh goody, a crazy person! They're always fun, oh! You wouldn't happen to be a bunny ears lawyer would you because they're always fun!" She crouched down beside me.

It was my turn to stare. "... What?"

The titled her head in confusion, then grinned again. "Oh, silly me I forgot to introduce myself," she stuck out her hand to me, one that wasn't holding a giant quill behind her back. "My name is Trope-Tan, I'm the anthropomorphic personification of Tv , pleased to meet you! My hobbies include lampshading stuff and getting people to spend hours wiki-walking through my articles so they become addicted to me and become tropers to aid me in my dream of lampshading the world! And that's my dog Tropy the wonder dog!"

She pointed over to a dog marking England as his territory. England, being asleep at the time didn't seem to mind it so I didn't bother to wake him up.

I started again, "... I'm sorry, could you say that in English?" Then my super-intelligent braincells made a vital connection. "Wait, you're the personification of Tv Tropes?"

"Yup, aren't I cute?" She tilted her head to the side again and made puppy-dog eyes.

"You're tying to hard." I remarked. "Wait a second, isn't Tv Tropes famed for ruining peoples lives?"

Trope-tan froze for a second, "... um..."

"Don't worry about it," I assured her. "My life has been f$# in ways that should not be and are not psychically possible. No doubt you were here by Fate to screw with just little bit more, but seeing as you don't seem to be particularly malicious I'll let it slide. But just out of curiosity, where did you come from?"

Trope-tan put a finger on her as she thought. "Hmm, well I just woke up on top of the train with Tropy in my arms, and when I started looking around the nice man with white hair invited me inside so I wouldn't get cold." She looked over to where Prussia was standing.

"Well I could hardly leave her out there to freeze now could I?" Defended Prussia.

"You do realise that she could have been an agent of Fate don't you? That you could have doomed us all to a Fate of being slowly tortured to death in strange, inventive and possibly sexual ways and being resurrected with equally mind-bending methods to start all over again?"

"... Well if I had left her out there I could make no claim to being a European Gentleman!" Prussia thumped a first to his chest. "It is the duty of every man to adhere to the codes of chivalry and common courtesy!"

"You know what I think? I think Russia did so much as switch a part of your personality as completely destroy it, put the remain in a blender, flush in down the toilet, retrieve what was left and stick it al back together with a dose of Italy's uselessness." Commented I dryly.

"Hmm, Character derailment..." said Trope-tan in an absent minded tone.

Unfortunately for us, this little conversation was far too tame for a certain sadistic deity's tastes and so she she decided to kick off the insanity with a bang.

Literally.

"Ack!" Spat I as I wafted ash clouds away from me. "Could you try some subtly for once?"

Fate declined to answer.  
"What on earth," groaned England. "Why did the middle of the room explode... and why do I smell like dog p-"

"Fate doubtlessly just sent something to us, and apparently decided to blow up the middle of the room while doing so." Stated I, the smoke slowly beginning to clear.

As we waved the smoke away from our faces we came face-to-face with a young girl with bright blue hair, held into large ponytails by puzzle-piece hair-clips.

"Well she looks harmless," said I. "Lets shoot her before she turns into something disturbing."  
"Er, morales and the law aside, if we're going to shoot her why don't we shoot the other one with blue hair, and what would we shoot her with anyway?" Asked England. "All my guns are at home."

"Because 'Trope-tan' here has a giant quill which looks very sharp and so far even though she's been here for a while she hasn't done anything too weird. However this other girl was probably sent here to start something disturbing since Trope-tan didn't so it would be prudent to off her before she kills us all. As to the question of what to shoot her with, I can make a slingshot of the stuff around here and you can still cook-"  
I was interrupted by a loud crash in the middle of the room, I turned from England to observe the sight of Trope-tan quite determinedly attempting to decapitate the other girl with her oversized quill, only to fail the girl caught it in one hand.

"Wikipe-tan you are going down you little b^%$*!"

"Wait, Wikipe-tan?" I asked in confusion.

Wikipe-tan smiled at me brightly. "Yes, that's my name. I'm the personification of , it's very nice to meet you, now if you'll excuse me I have to **rip out this b%$#&^'s OVARIES!**"  
And with that Wikipe-tan ripped te quill from Trope-tan's grip and tackled her**.**

"Oh dear," said Prussia sadly. "They're going to kill each other aren't they?"

"Probably," agreed I.

"Er, what do you boys say to getting of here before something strange happens?" Asked England in calm voice.

I opened my mouth to agree, only to find myself lifted up by the back of my shirt, I look down to find myself being held up by Trope-tan, Wikipe-tancrouching like a tiger on the other side of the room after being apparently thrown there.

"Take this, **WHITE HAIRED PRETTY BOY MISSILE!**" Cried Trope-tan as she threw me at Wikipe-tan.

**Near: 23 Fate: 45**

"Arghh!" Screetched I.

"Ohh, he really is pretty..." said Wikipe-tan in a dazed tone.

"**ARGHHH!**" Screeched I, after being perved on by what looked like a pre-teen. I then crashed into the wall.

"Ha! Your aim seems a bit off Trope-tan..." Wikipe-tan grinned. "It must be because of all those baseless statements you have running about in your system, here have some **CIATATION NEEDED!**" She pointed her finger at Trope-tan and a beam of white light suddenly struck Trope-tan in the chest.

"Argghh!" Screeched Trope-tan, clutching at her chest. "You _censored_ me!"

"Only the bits that weren't sourced." Stated Wikipe-tan in a calm tone.

"That's all of me..." Suddenly Trope-tan in a sad voice, before suddenly standing up straight. "Fortunately for me I happen to have an army of slaves working day and night to rewrite whatever you censor, you cannot defeat me little book-b&^$%!"

Wikipe-tan's eyes narrowed. "Oh really," she took a breath. "Then lets see how you deal with... **human biology!**"

Wikipe-tan pointed her finger at Trope-tan, a little beam of light hitting her in the face. Trope-tan groaned, clutching at her head. "Nooo... evil school textbook stuff downloading into my braaaaaain... tooo real... need anime..."

"Well like that you're going to love this, lets try some... **politics!**"  
And with that there was a sudden montage of various politicians making speeches. I was suddenly hit by the urge to drink something with a lethal dose of alcohol.

"Arghh, not awesome enough, braincells dying from awesomeness withdrawal..." moaned Trope-tan. "Must go find awesome... must go to awesome **NOW!**" And with that there was yet another flash of light and we were all suddenly standing in a control room with a large window showing the sky outside.

"All right, where are we now?" Asked I in a sour tone.

"We're on the _Valiant_ from Doctor Who!" Declared Trope-tan, hands on her hips. "Earth's front line of defence of any Alien menace when Torchwood, The Doctor or Sarah Jane is on holiday. It also cost a S$#&load of money and has enough dakka to make the US navy look like a popgun."

I shook my head. "Whatever you say, where is this thing anyway?"

"Somewhere over Paris I think," said Trope-tan. "I just got a craving for cheese when doing my reality-warper thing."

"Ahem," Wikipe-tan crossed her arms. "Wasn't this blown up at the end of season four?"

Trope-tan froze. "Er..."

There was sudden lurch as the _Valiant's_ engines disappeared via logic. Of course by logic there shouldn't have been a _Valiant _at all but we weren't going to point that out.

"We just went into free-fall didn't we?" Asked I n a sad voice, feeling my feet beginning to lift from the floor.

"I'd say so," said Prussia in an equally sad tone of voice.

"Oh f%$#," Said England in a calm voice.

**Near: 23 Fate: 46**

"Oww," moaned I as I floated in the river we had landed in. A large one flowing through Paris with several bridges across it.. "My head... it's like I just woke up from a six hour long long 'Light and the Sweet Transvestites' concert."  
"I don't want to know what the hell that is," said England's voice, I looked behind me to see him floating in the river. "But I think we had best get out of here as soon as possible."  
"And why is that?" Asked Prussia, a few metres to England's left.

England raised one giant eyebrow and jammed his thumb to the sinking remains of the Valiant about half a mile behind him. Every now and then there were small explosions and girlish shrieks.

"Ahh, Trope-tan and Wikipe-tan are still fighting, therefore the best option would be to get out of the river before they turn it into something strange, excellent advice England." Said Prussia.

Then much to my surprise we heard a new voice.

"Oh _Angleterre_," called an accented voice. "What are doing in my river, if you wanted to drink my juices all you had to do was as-"

"F^%$ off frog!" Shouted England at the man standing on the rails surrounding the river.

"Gladly, but first perhaps you would like a lift, I do have a car..."

"What the catch?" Asked England, eyes narrowing.

"Oh nothing much, just a few pictures here and there, maybe a little romp every blue moon... a bondage session with-"

"ARGHHH!" Screeched England.

"Tell you what," said I. "If you let us borrow your car we'll discuss the terms later, how about that?"

France's eyes narrowed. "And how do I know you will even consider my terms afterwards?"

"You can come with us, and this way you _might_ have a chance to brutally defile England in all sorts of cruel and unusual ways, whereas if you do not you will not have any chance of brutally defiling England in all sorts of cruel and unusual ways." Bargained I

France thought about it for a moment. "As you wish, but I expect photos at the very least."

**Near: 24 Fate: 46**  
And that is how we ended up in France's car, speeding away from the remains of a giant skyship in which anthropomorphic personifications were duking it out with various impossible feats. Incidentally England was the one driving us, as when we got in the car he threatened to shoot himself in the head if France would be allowed to drive as it would be a faster and more pleasant death than if France were within five inches of the wheel.

Anyhow that's all happened today, we're going to the hotel now, where I am going to fortify my room and plug my ears when France reminds England of our deal.

**The Score: Near: 24 Fate: 46**

**9th of march**

**Driving around Paris**

**Planning fortifications and earplugs**

**Nate Rivers**


	41. Rebellion Entry 9: The French Incident

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well, where shall I start?

Ah! I know! Right where I left off should do nicely.

Well anyhow, just as I put away my journal we turned the corner, revealing a large building with numerous cupids painted in bright pink.

"... This is a love hotel isn't it France?" Asked I.

France winked at me. "Well beds are for more than sleeping you know!"

England spluttered. "Me? Walk into a love hotel with France? NO F%$#*&^ WAY!" And with that he slammed down on the brakes with all the finesse of a tonne of bricks.

The car immediately sped up.

"Er, aren't brakes supposed to stop the car?" Asked I.

"They are, but this is a French car, who knows how it works?" Replied England.

"Oh but _Angleterre_, my brakes are meant to the same things yours do," said France in a sleazy drawl.

"... I hate how everything you say makes you sound like you're always trying to get into my pants." Said a depressed England.

"That's because I always am," replied France, leaning over into the driver seat.

"I have knife, hammer, nails and a mantelpiece waiting for your testicles if you come any closer." Snapped England.

"Um, I'm sorry to bother you two," said Prussia in a calm, polite tone. "But I just thought you should know that were less than two metres from the wall."

England and France looked away from one another, looked in front of them, turned pale, screamed like a little girl learning Santa wasn't real (France) and slammed down on the brakes (England).

Neither of which had any affect.

"THE BRAKES AREN'T WORKING!" Screamed France.

"I NOTICED! Screamed back England, turning the car just in time to avoid turning us all into Near and Nation omelette with a side of steel.

Right, as it turned out, into oncoming traffic.

"ARGHH! WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE DRIVING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD!" Screamed England.

"BECAUSE THAT'S THE SIDE WE DRIVE ON IN FRANCE!" Screamed back France. "IT'S CALLED THE 'RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD' FOR A REASON!"

"WHO CARES JUST DON'T CRASH!" Screeched I.

"GREAT ADVICE!" Screamed back England. "I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT MY- FRANCE WHAT THE F&^% ARE YOU DOING?"  
I looked down to see France's hand stroking England's thigh.

"Why, just trying to sooth your fragile nerves with a little..." France winked. "French comfort."

"SHOVE YOUR COMFORT UP YOUR ARSE YOU W^%$#!" Screeched England, doubtlessly regretting the decision to allow France in the front passenger seat.

France smiled. "Oh believe me I-"

"NEVERMIND! JUST STOP GROPING ME WHILE I'M DODGING TRAFFIC!"

"Oh dear," said Prussia in a slightly scared tone. "Our lives are in the hands of France and England."

"Yes, yes they are." Said I in a calm tone. "Do you have your seatbelt on?"

"Of course," said Prussia. "But I don't think it's going to do much with these two involved."  
"Well of course it wouldn't," snapped I, forcing myself away from Prussia as England swerved to the left. "Just hang on tight, I have the feeling that sooner or later we're going to have to come to a stop, and knowing these two and this fic the stopping part isn't going to be pretty. And I'll need someone to pay for a way out of France if these two bite the dust."

Prussia shook his head. "This is why you don't have any friends Near, you keep using them like toys."

"Friends? What are friends?" Asked I in confusion. "You don't seem to be talking about the 'friends' I know."

Prussia sighed. "You know, friends, the people who are there for you need it, the people who are he spice to your otherwise bland life, friends!"

"I'm sorry, you've lost me." Said I. "The only type of friend I know of is the type that going around raping certain people."

This delightful conversation would have doubtlessly have continued for a great deal longer, however Fate apparently decided the story was getting boring and decided to spice things up.

England suddenly turned left, a corner that just so happened to possess a large stop sign.

"Ah-ha!" Shouted France. "I shall save us!" And with that he threw his upper body out of the window and latched onto the stop sign. "Now we are stationar-"

There was a sudden slam as France halted the progress of the car.

**Near: 25 Fate: 46**

For exactly 0.002 of a second.

Then the stop sign uprooted itself and France slid back into the car with a surprised expression on his face, sign still in his hand.

**Near: 25 Fate: 47**

"WHAT THE F^%$!" Shouted England. "HOW DID THE CONRETE NOT STOP IT?"  
France glanced at a little engraved message on the stop sign. "I'm sorry _Angleterre _but the construction crew went on strike halfway through setting the concrete!"

"YOU AND YOU BLOODY STRIKES!" Screamed England. "I SWEAR THE MOMENT I GET HOME I AM GOING TO INVADE YOUR **VITAL REGIONS**!"  
"Oh _Angleterre_," whispered France in a sultry voice. "Please _do_!"

"ARGHHH!"

"ER, excuse me," remarked Prussia as England barley dodged a number of pedestrians. "France, are you sure it's a good idea holding the stop sign like that?"  
"Like what?" Asked France.

"I mean, it looks like we're stealing it and you're holding it like a lance and there a bunch of cyclists coming up ahead so it might be a good idea to drop it before-"  
There was a sudden wham.

"MY VIRGINTY!" Screeched the cyclist who was now suspended above the air via stop sign.

"That." Finished Prussia in a sad tone. "Never mind."  
France quietly dropped the sign.

The cyclist was not so quiet, fortunately he didn't seem to be anyone of any importance and therefore I really didn't care.

Not-so fortunately a few seconds later a police car pulled up besides us. "HALT!"

"Why are they speaking in English?" Asked I.

"Because French was too sexy for the police to use." Said France. "They come with handcuffs and pepper-spray, combine that with the natural aphrodisiac that is French and people kept having bondage orgies on the street!"

Fortunately the police chose this moment to speak up, thus saving me from further explanation. "YOU THERE IN THE CAR! WE ARE HEREBY ARRESTING YOU AND ALL YOUR PASSENGERS ON THE CHARGE OF SEXUAL ASSAULT WITH A STOP SIGN! PULL OVER IMMEDIALTLEY!"

"No!" Screeched France. "It was a crime of passion I swear!"

"TOO BAD!" Shouted the police officer.

"Oh well," shrugged France, a sleazy grin suddenly coming across his face. "I can't wait to get to prison, oh the shower rooms, oh the prison_ shower room_s!"

I suddenly felt an intense urge to dig out my eardrums.

The police officer leaned back. "Er... um, is he quite alright?"

"He's French, what do you expect?" Asked England.

"I suppose you have a point- hey, we're French!" Shouted the man.

"Oh you poor b#%^%*." Said England with sympathy.

The police officer bristled with anger. "THAT'S IT! I'M TAKING YOU IN-"  
He was cut off by his partner in the seat beside him. "Er, Jean, we're on strike now remember?" He pointed to his watch

"Oh right, sorry," replied the officer, and with that they pulled into a nearby coffee shop.

"... I have nothing to say to that." Stated I.

"WHY THE F&^% WON'T THIS STUPID CAR STOP!" Shrieked England at the top of his voice as he ran over a tourist.

"The brakes aren't working remember?" Asked France. "Have you forgotten already? I suppose at your age it's acceptable, Dementia setting in all that..."

"YOU'RE OLDER THAN I AM YOU W$#&*!" Screeched England.

Of course this conversation would have probably lasted longer, however at this moment we came to a sudden stop. This would have been a good thing had the brakes finally decided to engage, however this was not the method by which we came to a stop.

The method in question was in reality the fact that we crashed into the side of a large castle.

**Near: 25 Fate: 48**

"Oww," moaned I. "What is a castle doing in the middle of a city?"

France pulled himself out of the wrecked remains of the front half of the car, before holding my door open for me. "Hmm, unless I am very much mistaken this is my Presidential Palace, the residence of my head of state, as for what it's doing here I have no idea."

"Don't worry about it," said I as I climbed out, followed by Prussia. "Fate is doubtlessly responsible."

"Nyyrgh," said England, his mouth muffled by the airbag.

"Oh what do we have here then?" Came a terrifyingly familiar voice from behind us.

I silently wept for my sanity as I turned around to see the Elopers standing before the Presidential Palace, wearing blue military uniforms.

Well, the tops half of a military uniform anyway. I didn't bother asking why they hadn't bothered with the bottom as it was all too obvious.

"Oh don't mind us," said Prussia, pointedly looking at their faces. 'We just had a spot of bother with our car and it crashed into the wall, France will be paying for everything of course."

"WHAT!' Shouted France.

L raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that."

I stared at him warily. "And why is that?"

Mello grinned. "Well, as we're now the ones in charge of France we know for a fact that it won't be paying for anything for a while because we spent the national budget on lubricant."

I stared at him. "... What?"  
"Oh didn't you know?" Ryuk suddenly appeared behind me, causing me to be very scared. "Club apple was so successful that we decided to upgrade our business!"

"And by 'upgrade your business' you mean 'take over France'? Asked I, mystified, or I would be if I wasn't desensitised at this point.

"Hey it has the 'city of love' right?" Defended Ryuk. "All we did is turn the country into one big brothel, what wrong with that?"

"... I refuse to answer that question." Said I, I turned to France. "So France,what are you going to do now?"

France was staring at the Elopers with an unreadable expression. Then a second later he whooped with joy. "Finally! LEADERS WHO UNDERSTAND ME!" And with that he jumped into the Elopers arms.

"Er, France? Aren't you a bit worried that your country has turned into one big brothel by a bunch of testosterone driven maniacs?" Asked Prussia.

There was a series of disturbing scenes from the general direction of France and the Elopers. I can't get any more specific due to the fact that it would bring our rating and I really couldn't tell where France ended and the Eloper's began any more.

"... Never mind." Said Prussia.

"Arggh, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, no need to call a Doctor or anything like that." Spat England as he pulled himself from the car.

"Don't worry, we won't." Replied I. "Say, I don't suppose you can use your magic to get out of her right now could you?"

"Why you..." England looked like he was about to explode in a tea-flavoured bang.

"Um, sorry to bother you," said Prussia in a polite voice. "But maybe it would a good idea to use those powers of yours to get out of here before those fellows over there get started on us."

"Eh?" England blinked in confusion, what do you mean those fellows over there-" he caught sight of the horror that was France and the Elopers going at it like rabbits. "MY EYES!"

"Can we go now that you've scarred yourself for life?" Asked I patiently.

"AWAYAWAYAWAY! GO AWAY!" Screamed England, and with a flick of his wrist there was sudden bang and a flash green light.

A moment later I found myself floating waist deep in dirty water.

"Alright, where did you send us this time?" Asked I in a sour tone.

England's head popped up besides me, spitting out the foul water as he did. 'Bllaarghh, from the taste I would say the Thames." Said he.

A moment later something dark and disgusting floated by us.

"Yes, definitely the Thames," confirmed England.

"Oh dear," said Prussia as he surfaced. "This place smells like London."

"That's because it _is_ London." Snapped England. "The Thames is in London you thick twat!"

"Oh, that explains it then," said I. "Anyhow, who's to getting ashore before we die of hypothermia or one of the many diseases we could catch from this place?"

And that is how the day ended, right now I'm writing in this journal (incredible how it didn't get wet thus far) from inside a bus shelter while England tries to get his phone working again, Prussia seems to have caught a cold. As soon as England gets his phone working again we're heading for parliament house, from there hopefully we'll get some form of protection.

That is if Fate doesn't get to us first.

**The Score: Near: 25 Fate: 48**

**9****th**** of March**

**Sitting in a bus shelter**

**Waiting for England's phone**

**Nate Rivers **


	42. Rebellion Entry 10: UK vs USA

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well, there's no point in putting it off any longer so here's the account of what happened after I finished off my last entry into this thing which does play host the darkest of my nightmares which happen to be my life.

I had just finished off my last entry when England's outraged voice caught my attention.

"WHAT! THE! BLEEDING! **F^%$**!" Screeched England, pointing at something out of my view. "WHY IS THERE A GIANT ROBOT IN THE MIDDLE OF LONDON!"

I, being the highly inquisitive fellow that I am, proceeded to look in the direction of England's finger to see what appeared to be a giant purple humanoid thing.

"Oh dear Lord he's brought another one in." Groaned I, face-palming in despair.

"What do mean 'another one'?" Asked a mystified Prussia.

"It's the author, he keeps bringing in more crossovers in what was supposed to be a 'Death Note' fanfiction," remarked I in a sad voice. "He just keeps bringing more, I mean, would it be too much to ask to stick one fandom? How many other fan fictions have this many crossovers?"  
"Er, forget I asked," replied Prussia, looking a bit confused.

I ignored him. "But of course _that _would be too kind, too _sane._ After all what's the point in writing about something if you are _not_, in fact, tormenting them to fullest extent of your human limits-"

"SHUT UP!" Screeched a livid England. "THERE IS A GIANT PURPLE ROBOT WALKING AROUND MY CITY AND YOU'RE GONG ON ABOUT SOME AUTHOR NONSESE!"

There was a sudden crunch, a moment later the sound of sirens reached our ears.

"Walking _on_ your city actually," corrected I like the caring individual I am. "And I think you'll find that the correct description would be Bio-Mecha."

England gnashed his teeth, then suddenly turned away and counted to ten. He turned back to us with a deadpan expression. "What?"

"Bio-mecha, you see the Author is sadistic b%$#& who likes throwing everything he can think of at me for cheap laughs, and so he made Fate bring through Unit-01 from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Since Unit-01 happens to be what amounts to cybernetic alien covered in armour he most suitable term would be Bio-mecha." Explained I.

England stared at me. "... Never mind."

This little conversation could have continued for a great while longer, however it was at this moment a giant purple armoured foot came crashing down next to the bus shelter, just barely missing us.

I looked at England. "Shall we go?" Asked I in a perfectly calm and civilised tone.

"But of course," replied England, not a hint of fear or distress on his features.,

"Excellent idea," complimented Prussia.

We then proceeded to run away screaming like a bunch of little girls. Suddenly a large car drew up in front of us.

Said car's bonnet was blue with fifty five pointed stars arranged in a square pattern and thirteen white and red stripes on the sides.

"Hmm, I wonder who that could possibly be?" Asked I in sarcastic tone.

Suddenly America booted open the car door, landing on his feet and flashing a grin.

"Fear not feeble ones the, hero has arrived!" Declared America, striking a pose.

"Oh god we're all going to die." Said England.

**Near: 25 Fate: 49**

America proceeded to ignored England's comment. "Hi sheep, non-existent person whose name I can't remember because you're so lame and fifty-one! I, the United States of America have come to save the day!"

"... I'm sure most Americans aren't this obnoxious." Stated I.

Prussia sighed in a sad tone. "He really knows where it hurts the most, doesn't he?"

"Eh fifty-one? What's he on about now?" Asked England with a puzzled expression.

America continued on as if we had said nothing. "Follow me minions! Into my suped-up all American car (made in China) sand lets get outta here!"

"M-Minion!" Spluttered an indignant England.

"Wait," I grabbed his. "He has a car, would you like to be stomped into paste or endure America for a few minutes?"

England contemplated this.

"If you get stomped into paste you'll never get your revenge pointed out I," _and I'll lose a valuable puppet to manipulate._

This gave England a start. "Point taken, let's go!"

"About time," huffed America as we jumped into the back seats of his car. "What, did England's arthritis play up again?"

"I do _not_ have Arthritis!" Snapped England, rubbing the joints of his hand as he did so.

"Yeah, yeah, just keep telling yourself that." America sped off, nearly causing me to disappear into the cushions of my seat.

"Argh! Have you even heard of speed limits!" Snapped England as he tried to find his seatbelt. "And where are the seatbelts?"  
America slowly turned his head back to us, a disturbed grin on his face, from hour position we could see the outline of his knees on the steering wheel, his hands absently combing through his hair. "Seatbelts? What are seatbelts?"

"Wraghh," moaned England he fainted.

America laughed, suddenly putting his hands on the steering wheel and his feet on the floor as he slowed to a reasonable speed. "Works every time."

It was only a short time later that we pulled up to Westminster, America haphazardly parking on the path in front of the ancient building.

"Nghhh," moaned England he suddenly awoke. "I feel as if someone is desecrating one of my most famous and defining landmarks... where's America?"

"OH LOOK CAN YOU SEE!" Shouted America from the top of Big Ben, somehow managing to get up there in the 2.5 seconds I had looked away.

"GET DOWN YOU FIRST GRADE W%$#&^!" Screeched England.

"MAKE ME!" Replied America.

England raised an eyebrow before pulling out a remote control from inside his uniform and pressing one of the red buttons.

A sudden crackling filled the air and America fell of the roof, leaving a small crater where he fell.

"Hrrghh,' moaned America, appearing slightly crispy.

"It's new anti-burglar system," replied England at my curious look. "Releases fifteen-thousand volts of electricity for every square centimetre and captures the moment on camera for later enter- viewing by the police."

**Near: 26 Fate: 49**

America suddenly appeared outside England's window looking no worse than he had five minutes ago, free of any sign of charring or bruising.

"Hey guys, did you see that I mean, there must be a loose power cable or something right?"

I raised an eyebrow at England.

"The brat never seems to feel the pain the rest of us have to suffer," sighed England. "He's like some sort of demonic cockroach!"

"Aww, you're just jealous because you're so lame!" Said America bright, suddenly opening England's door and dragging England out. "Come on Iggy, I want to see the Queen!"

"What? No, wait, let go of me you idiot!" Snapped England, ripping his wrist out of America's grip. "Parliament is not in session at the moment, the Queen won't be there, and why would you want to see her anyway?"

America grinned. "I dunno, but your royals are just so fascinating, I don't know why but they just interest me and my people."

England shook his head in despair, "I thought you had your revolution to get away from my royals but centuries later you stalk them!"

"I do not _stalk_!" Pouted America! "I just..."

"Cross the sea to get to another country and hound the guards at the gates of Buckingham Palace for a glimpse of the people inside?" Asked England in a wry tone.

"... Shut up fifty-one". Said America  
"Why do you keep calling me fifty-one?" Asked England irritably.

America suddenly grinned at him. "Well it's because you're my fifty-first state isn't it?"

The only words that could possibly describe England's face at that moment would have to be some sort of Amalgamation of disgust, revulsion, murderous rage, despair and possibly suicidal intent.

"Er, America?" Asked I in an attempt to prevent America from saying anything else that would result in Washington going up in a cloud of nuclear smoke. "Why are you here anyway? Did you just turn up to save us or were you here for something else?"  
America put his hands on his hips. "A hero is always there when he is needed But I was here in the first place here to pick up the Queen."

"Oh leave them alone!" Snapped England, he turned to me. "Lets get to Buckingham, if I can get to the Queen she might know something about the giant _thing_ over there, and the very least she'll be able to call Parliament into session-"

We were suddenly interrupted by America's phone going off, the _Star Spangled Banner_ ringtoneloud enough to be heard a block away.

America answered his phone. "Oh hi, yeah it's done, great."

England's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What's done?"  
America flashed him a grin. "Well like I said before, I came here to pick up the Queen."

"Yes, you came to see the Queen, I understand," said England irritably. "What else did you come here to do?"

"Er, England," said I. "I think you should have paid more attention to what America was saying, he said he was here to _pick up_ the Queen."  
England froze, then slowly turned his head to America. "What did you do?"

America, being totally oblivious to any sort of danger grinned and gave him a thumbs up. "I took the Queen!"

There was a moment of silence.

"I beg your pardon?" Asked England in a polite and civil tone, a gentle smile on his face. "I could have sworn I just heard you say tat you took the Queen, but surely that could not have been it, after all no one is stupid enough to mess with my royals. Not even you could be so possibly dense as to do anything beyond look and fawn over my royalty."

America, oblivious to the aura impending doom swirling around England despite his expression just grinned. "Oh don't be so uptight about it Iggy, I bought them fair and square!"

England continued smiling. "Oh my, did you now? Please elaborate."  
America stroked his chin in thought. "Well... for Australia I just promised to let him visit you every now and then, since when is he a little boy anyway? For Canada I promised to make importing maple syrup a priority of the government, and I did something similar for each of the commonwealth realm countries until I bought the all out, except for you of course."  
England wasn't fazed. "And just what, pray tell was the reason behind all these little bargains?"

America grinned again. "To by out their shares in the Queen of course."

There was a sudden silence.

"Please elaborate." Asked England, his gentlemanly voice seemingly capable freezing raindrops

"Well, each of commonwealth realms has the Queen as their head of state, she's their Queen as well as yours. So I went over to each of them and got them to sell me their share in the Monarchy, I figure that with the claims of the fifteen other commonwealth realms on my side my claim outweighs yours!"

England's just continued smiling. "May I inquire as to the purpose of all this?"  
America struck a pose. "Well right now I'm in a load of debt so I had to come up with some way of reducing it by making money, then it came to me! Why do tourists come to the rainy, miserable, decadent and downright depressing UK? Because they want to see the Queen of course!"

"Go on," said England, polite tone unchanging.

"So I came up with this idea, what if I were to use her to increase my tourism? I mean, it's the perfect way to boost my economy, so I bought out the other countries claims on the monarchy and walked over here to take her."

"I see, and pray tell why didn't you bother to try and by out me?" Asked England.

"Oh that's because you're already my fifty-first state so I already own everything you do!" America gave him a thumbs up.

England nodded, still smiling, "and just how do you intend to use my beloved monarchy, the monarchy who stood with me in my darkest hour and have been the pride of my nation for decades?"  
America pulled out a poster from inside his bomber jacket,unfurling it to reveal the image of some sort of fake Buckingham Palace, merged with several other fake British landmarks, like he hadn't known where one ended and the other began. "To be the central attraction to my new Limeyland theme park!"

"I beg your pardon?" Asked England in a chilly tone, the polite exterior finally beginning to crack.

"It's all the best parts of the UK without all the rest, we have everything from the white cliffs of Dover (made in China), Big Ben (made in China) and the Queen (made in the UK)!" America grinned, pointing out each of the attractions on the poster.

Suddenly a helicopter flew overhead, the sound of a very irritated Queen Elizabeth the second snapping at one of the people in the airborne vehicle floating down to us.

England looked America in the, "you. Took. The. Queen."

"Yep!" Said America.

"You took her to be the new attraction to a theme park."

"That's about right."

England stood perfectly still, there was a moment of silence.

Then England grabbed America's throat and threw him into the wall.

"HOW DARE YOU LAY YOUR GREASY FINGERS ON MY MONARCHY! Screeched England. "ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULD HAVE DONE BUT YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE **THE QUEEN**!"

England suddenly threw the bomber jacket-clad nation onto the ground and slammed his foot onto the superpowers throat. "Bring her back _now_."

America grinned. "Oh lighten up Iggy, she's just the Queen!"

England smiled back, before saying something in Latin. There was a flash of Green light, a crack of thunder and the smell rotten eggs and America was gone.

"Er, England, what did you just do?" Asked Prussia.

"I just sent him back to Washington," replied England. "Come on, let's get to Buckingham Palace, hopefully Charles will be there so we can call Parliament."

"What for?" Asked I.

England looked at me incredulously. "The United States of America have kidnapped the Queen, the head of State of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the answer's obvious isn't it?"

"No, not unless if the really bad answer I think it is." Replied I. "Because right now you're effectively at war with Russia, Japan and Australia already."

"Please tell you me are not thinking what I think you're thinking..." moaned Prussia.

England huffed. "Well there's no other choice is there, this kind of insult cannot be answered by anything less than bullets and bombs. From this point onwards the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is at war with the United States of America!"  
Well, on the bright side it's not like things can get much worse now is it?

**The Score: Near: 26 Fate: 49**

**9****th**** of March**

**Shaking my head in despair**

**The City of London**

**Nate Rivers **


	43. Rebellion Entry 11: Total War and TPD

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated Characters or fictional locations.

Picking up where we left off...

Look a lot of things happened, like England calling parliament into session to inform them of being at war with the United States, me getting bored, and a giant purple robot-alien hybrid thing squashing large parts of London, but as I wasn't actually around to experience any of that I can't be stuffed writing about it.

If you want to complain, be my guest, just post it to '666 F%$# You Lane'.

In case that was too subtle for your little brains I really don't care, the author might but as your suggestions and continued support of this are what allows this hell to continue I will by all means belittle, insult and degrade the readership in the hopes of ending this torment.  
Anyhow lets skip to the chase. The Eva surrendered without a fight and ejected the entry plug, revealing two teenagers in plug suits.

To those of you who happen to be fans of Neon Genesis Evangelion you should know who Asuka and Shinji are. To those who are not the best way to summarise them is:

Shinji, wears a blue plug suit (skintight body covering clothes which apparently _do_ have a purpose beyond fanservice). Whinges a lot and may or may not have a Odepious complex.

Asuka. Wears a red plugsuit. Is a first grade b^%$&.

Anyhow, once we managed to get to England's house we began the questioning process in one of England's guest rooms.

For some reason I ended up being the interrogator, presumably to save money because England's a tight b%$#*&. Probably has something to do with the EU sending him broke.

"So how did you get here anyway?" Asked I.

"I don't know, the angel just sucked me in and I came out here," said Shinji. "I-I don't know anything else I swear, p-please put the guns away I'm begging you! Oh please don't shoot me! Please! Ple-"

Shinji was interrupted by my hand covering his mouth. "Don't you _dare_ turn emo on me, I'm depressed enough as it is without you adding to my misery." I nodded to the guards in the corner of the room, who put away the guns.

"You know I could just use my power to make them talk," pointed out England.

"Which is more likely to turn them into frogs or something similar," responded I. I turned to Asuka. "So got sucked into some sort of Angel and it spat you out here right?"

"Yep," Asuka flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Could you get us some clothes, I know I'm beautiful but I hate being ogled by guys over thirty."

I resisted the urge to say something short and brutal. "Fine, but while you're here you are not accept food or drink from anyone who has red hair and two x genes alright?"

Asuka blinked. "Huh? Why not?"

"Because you are a moderately attractive female character and turning you into a sex-crazed friend would be exactly the sort of thing Fate does for kicks."

"Er, okay," Asuka backed away from me slightly. "Where are our Quarters anyway?"

"Just pick one of the rooms here, I'm sure you'll find some place empty." responded I dismissively.

"What!" Spat England from behind me. "I'm not putting up with more free loaders, my brothers are sending me bankrupt as it is!"  
"Don't worry he can cook, and clean, and do all sorts of domestic things, sort of like a live-in maid." Said Asuka. "He's a housebroken male."

"Hey!" Protested Shinji. "That's not very nice-"  
"Shut up Shinji."

"Yes Auska." mumbled Shinji.

"See?" Auska turned back to us.

"Oh thank god he's a cook, now I won't die of food poisoning." Cried I in joy.

I suddenly felt an evil aura behind me.

"N-not that I would of course." Hastily corrected I before England tried to prove just how good his cooking was by forcing muffin-shaped nuclear waste down my throat.

Anyhow, once Asuka had managed to find a room suitable to her liking and Shinji had been forced into one of the closets in said room so he could be her live-in man slave I and England were off to the world meeting, conveniently being held in London.

"Why did you bring me here anyway?" Asked I as we entered the meeting room.

"Because you're an annoying little brat and if I have to suffer through one of these meetings so do you," huffed England.

Japan, Australia and Russia sat together, a little plaque engraved with the words 'The Anti-Jam Empire' in front of them.

Australia grinned as he caught sight of England. "Big brother, I've been looking or you for so long, I can't wait to catch up!"

"Oh god I'd forgotten about him," moaned England.

"Don't worry big brother!" Said Australia brightly, "once we convert you it'll all make sense, but first we have to invade your vital regions, bulldoze a few national landmarks and rewrite your history, okay?"

England looked queasy.

"Er, why don't you just sit down," said I, not wanting England to faint, being alone in a room full of insane nations would be just begging Fate to screw with me.

England nodded as I guided him to his chair.

First up was America. "Hello everybody!" He greeted in his usual enthusiastic manner. "It is I, the Personification of all things great and glorious, The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!" Suddenly the 'Star Spangled Banner' started playing in the background.

"TURN THAT RACKET OFF!"

"Aw fine," muttered America as he pressed a star shaped button on an American flag-theme remote. "Just because your theme-song sucks."

England gritted his teeth. "It's called an Anthem you twit, and it does not suck."

America ignored England. "Onto the first topic of the day, ME! Now, I think that we, and by we I mean all the rest of you who are not America, should acknowledge me as the most awesome person on earth now that the only person capable of matching me in sheer ego how now been lameified by Russia and his creepy science project!"

Russia smiled, causing a kitten to die a horrible horrible death. "Glad to be of service, da? Now in thanks you will become one with Russia, da?"

"Screw you with a rusty razor," replied America, he turned back to the rest of the world. "Now that I've successfully managed to fill my 'p&^$ off one nuclear power per day' quota lets start the voting, all in favour raise your hand!"

America's hand was suddenly the highest in the room.

"All those who do not raise their hand will be bombed into oblivion."

America's hand looked a bit lonely.

"All those who don't raise their hand this **second **will become Mcdonald's new marketing target! **And** I'll send you all my celebrities for rehab!"

There was a sudden majority in America's favour.

"That's what I thought," said America with a grin, the light pinging off his teeth in a painful cliché to pass through the window and hit a bystander in the street.

"MY EYES!"

"Are not important," said America. "Now, since my economy is in the dumps right now the rest of you are probably on the verge of collapse as I'm the centre of the Universe, but not to worry, I have a plan to save us all!" He pulled down a screen from somewhere and a film reel started up.

What it showed proceeded to drive up blood pressure of England to new, unforeseen and possibly impossible heights.

"Welcome to Limeyland," said America as images of his theme park started playing on the screen. "Where you can get the genuine British experience (made in China) for half the price, and without catching pneumonia!"

"Alfred if you don't stop this right now-"  
"You'll be amazed at our wide range of activities!" Continued America, pointedly ignoring England. "Why not take part in our 'Iron Stomach' contest, the person manages to survive longest after eating England's food wins! Or maybe you would like to see the Queen, she's very nice!"  
"AMERICA GIVE ME BACK MY MONARCHY!" Screeched England, trying to reach over his desk to strangle America, myself holding him back out of concern for my health if he died.

"Shut up England no one cares about you," responded America, he turned back to the rest of the Nations. "Now, like I was saying, come one come all to my Limeyland theme park! It's like England, except you _want_ to go!"

"Ohhh, _want_ to go..." said the nation's as one.

"I hate all of you." Growled England.

"Hey England. We don't care!" Said America without looking in our direction.

"Y-You NRGHHH!" England suddenly fell to the floor, frothing at the mouth.

"Hgmm, you seem to have made Angelterre pop a vessel again," remarked France as he leered at England's twitching form.

"Yup!" Grinned America, ticking off something on a little notepad. "That's thirty-seven times this month, a new record!"

"You know, it's probably not a good idea to keep p&$^%#g off a fellow nuclear power." Pointed out I.

"Meh, what's he going to do? Threaten us with his cooking?" Laughed America.

"Oh no, worse than that!" Gasped France, "he won't invite us to his next tea party!" He snorted.

"Enough." Came a calm voice from the floor. "I have had enough." England rose from the floor and made his way to the door, I followed him as he went.

"Eh? England, where are you going England?" Asked Canada.

England looked back at the group with a disdainful expression. "Home, I can no longer bring myself to endure your blatant idiocy and lack of personal hygiene."

"Hey, I shower every day!" Protested Canada.

"I was talking about America."

"OH, well that's fine then."

"A$#^&*(," huffed America, folding his arms, causing France to keel over since he was within a two metre radius. "And what's with the sudden calm? Weren't you just on the verge of blowing up a moment ago?"

"Ah, well you see that was when I had no way of expressing myself," said England in his calm voice. I began inching away from the abnormally balanced England. "Now I do so there s no reason for me to get so worked up about things."

"Huh? Since when" Asked Canada, confusion etched across his features.

"Since I decided I was going to declare war on the lot of you." Said England. "Since war allows me vent my feelings through highly destructive weapons I have no reason to get upset."

There was a sudden silence.

Then there was a cricket chirping.

"All right, who skipped out on paying the janitor last week?" Asked Germany in an irritated tone.

England blinked. "... I'm sorry, did you just ignore my declaration of global war in favour of a bloody cricket!"

"Yes, now who was it, we're not having a lunch break until someone owns up to it!" Shouted Germany.

"It wasn't me- b^%$#." said Italy, sporting sunglasses and a Mafia suit.

"I was not me-aru," responded China.

"..."

Germany glowered. "America?".

"If I don't cut back somewhere I'll have to start selling my states!"

"I don't believe this," hissed England, turning on his heel and stalking out of the room as utensils started to get involved with the argument.

"Well that could have gone better," reflected I.

"You don't say." Snapped England as he stalked down the hallway. "Still, at least now I'm allowed to beat the snot out of France again, God it's been far too long since I got a chance to wrap my fingers around his perverted throat and squeeze..." a little bit of drool came out of the corner of his mouth as he mimed strangling someone with his hands.

"You know the fan girls could easily misinterpret that as you wanting to give him a-"

"Oh shut up."

I rolled my eyes. "Well now that we're officially on the kill list of everyone outside of the U.K. What do we do now? I mean, you did have a plan outside of 'tell everyone your going to try and kill them and hope they surrender in fear of my giant eyebrows' right?"

"Actually it was more of a spur of the moment thing." Said England.

I nodded in understanding, "I see, well if you'll excuse me I'm going to go to the nearest airport to book the nearest flight our of here so I hopefully won't be vaporised once the nukes start flying."

I suddenly found myself being lifted by the front of my pyjama shirt (made in China).

"Oh no you don't," growled England. "You're supposed to be a genius right? Well now you prove it by helping out."

"Eh? What do you mean?" Asked I.

England grinned, before dropping me to the floor and standing above me. "I, the representative of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, do hereby appoint Nate River, the third L, N and overall pain in my arse to the position of Arch General. Meaning of course that from now on you are responsible for defending her majesties Kingdom from all enemies of the crown and of my sanity!"

I blinked. "Could you repeat that?"

England grinned. "I said that you're now in charge of defending the U.K., that's me and my brothers (when they stop drinking long enough to actually appear that is), from all enemies of the crown."

I frowned. "Didn't you just declare war on the most powerful countries in the world?"

England nodded. "Yes, good to see that you're keeping up."

"So I have to organise the defence of the British isles against the largest and most technologically advanced armies in the world with the British army and whatever schemes I can come up with?" I asked in disbelief.

That's about the measure of it," replied England. "Don't worry, I have faith in you. After all, you may be a selfish little git without a conscience but since I'm the last bastion of sanity in the world your survival mentally and physically depends on mine, therefore you shall fight on the beaches, you fight in the skies and the hills, you shall fight on the runways, you shall never falter in the defence of my nation, for it shall be your own skin and sanity on the line."  
I stared at him. "... You just ripped off Churchill there, and do you really want someone like me to be in charge of your defence?"  
England nodded. "But of course, you see my dear little sheep-like friend, if there is one thing I know about you it is that no matter what the cost or the sacrifice you will always be unfaltering in your quest to preserve your life and sanity. Thus by putting you in charge of my defence I ensure that your interests are to defend mine, because if you don't you will suffer a fate worse than death, and with your talents at my disposal there is no way I can lose!" England stood triumphant.

".. You do realise that your sending me up against the armed forces of the United States of America, Russia, Japan and god-only-knows how many other countries with no battle experience and what qualifies as your army don't you?" Asked I.

England nodded.

"... Well it's not like I've never been in worse situations." Mused I. "And this way I get control of a army, why not?"

"Because if you don't I'll- wait, you're agreeing?' Asked England in a shocked tone.

"Well it's not like having command over one an army is going to be detrimental to my chances of survival now is it?"

"... Well you still have to do a s^%$load of paperwork."

"... F%$#."

**The Score: Near: 26 Fate: 50**

**Still the 9th of March**

**Going get my new shiny uniform**

**The city of London**

**Nate Rivers**

**Author's Note:**

**Mregent.2 (runs up to screen). Hello my hopefully patient readers, sorry about how long it's been since the last update, but things have been a bit hectic around here... here, have a humorous Doctor's note in compensation!**

**To: THE FANDOM**

**To whom it may concern Mregent.2 has been absent from his writing duties for the past few months due to the fact he has been suffering from: TERMINAL PROCRASTINMATION DISORDER. This is a very serious ailment whose symptoms include: sitting at a computer aimlessly for hours on end, handing in assignments late or never at all and putting off breathing.**

**Yours Sincerely: A Doctor**


	44. Rebellion Entry 12: The UK and GFP's

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated Characters or fictional locations.

Well today started as usual, I got up, Asuka's man-slave made breakfast for the entire household before being sent to do the rest of his chores on threat of a beating from a German b&^%$. After this the dishes were cleared away, England pulled out a British Union flag from somewhere and stuck it on the wall while I unfurled a map on the table.

"Good morning everyone, I am Near, the person who's trying to prevent you all from being bombed into next year so if you could all shut up it would be really nice." Said I.

"Eh?" Wales looked at me. "England, what did I tell about staying away from my sheep?"

"I'M NOT A F^%$ING SHEEP!"

"Oh. Never mind then."

I sighed, "England, could you do the roll please?"

"Certainly," England stood from his chair. "Wales?"

"Here."

"Scotland?"

"..."

"I think he went to Edinburgh last week." Said Wales.

"Oh, I'll mark him absent for the next month in advance then, right. Northern Ireland?"  
"Ready and waiting!"

"Excellent," England signed off the last mark on the roll. "Right, we're here today to discuss defensive strategies against all the people who want to bomb us into submission."

"That's everyone outside of the U.K. Right?" Asked Wales.

"Yep."

"Well we're fine then," Wales leaned back in his chair. "If everyone else is trying to kill us then they'll probably take it to the U.N. And that means that they'll be debating for a good few months at least, and the chances are that they'll get so sick of the whole thing that they'll sign a peace treaty to cut down on the paperwork."

I turned to England. "Is this true?"

England shrugged. "That's how most conflicts get resolved in the modern day."

"So I don't really need to do anything then?"

"Oh I wouldn't say that, I heard that France has been preparing WMR's for an invasion." England shuddered.

I raised an eyebrow. "WMR's?"  
England cleared his throat. "Weapons of Mass Rapage. France has been making them ever since those freaks, what do you call them again 'the Eloper's', took over."

I sighed. "Knowing Fate they're even worse than they sound. On that thought we should probably boost up defences in the channel-"

Suddenly the front door of England's house exploded inwards, revealing a tall man in a kilt.

"MORNIN' EVERYBODY!" Shouted the man in a drunken tone. "UNCLE SCOTTY IS 'ERE!"

"Oh god they let him out of the bar," groaned in England.

"WELL WHAT DO WE 'AVE 'ERE THEN?" Scotland marched over to Wales. "'AVING A PARTY WITHOUT OL' SCOTTY ARE WE?"

Wales grinned. "Oh you know it's not a party 'till we break out the beer!"  
"Oh god here we go again," groaned England, holding his head in his hands.

"... They _are_ aware that they're on the verge of being annihilated by the rest of the world right?"

"Oh it's always been like this.." moaned England

*****FLASHBACK*****

**Sometime in the middle ages...**

"Ah ha! Today is the day I finally squash you like the bug you are Scotland!" Said England triumphantly as he marched over a grassy hill. "Thought I really don't know why the F%$# my King wants you though, it's F^%$ing cold and your lands aren't really worth fighting over in the first place..."  
"Oh shut up England," moaned Wales as he struggled under a large backpack. "Or I'll go to the Union!"

"There won't be a Union to go to for centuries!" Snapped England. "You just can't find good help today..."

"Ye couldn't find good help if it kicked ye in the balls you little wanker!" Suddenly Scotland appeared from behind a large boulder and swung a claymore towards England.

"At least have a pair!"" Snapped England, dodging back in time to retain his head. "I bet yours have frozen off after wearing a _skirt_ in this place!"  
A trumpet being blown caught the group's attention. Looking towards the direction of the sound they caught sight of a scout wearing the English coat of arms. "England! His majesty requests your presence immediately, he says, and these are his words not mine : GET BACK HERE AND FINISH YOUR F^%$ING PAPERWORK YOU LAZY BUM!"

England's jaw dropped. "Excuse me? I always finish my work! He must be mistaken."

The messenger took out a scroll from beneath his tunic and read from it. "He says it is a about the Welsh, they're saying you haven't signed their payslips in years."

England glowered at Wales. "What part of _conquered territory_ do you not understand?"

Wales stuck up his nose.

England sighed. "Oh bugger it, take over Wales."

"I will not!" Huffed Wales. "Not until you pay me!"

"I conquered you decades ago, you don't get paid!" Screeched England.  
"That's the point, you don't pay me anything so I shouldn't have to work!" Snapped Wales.

A vein throbbed in England's temple. "Go and fight Scotland you lazy bum!" He pointed his sword at Scotland in emphasis.

"Oi, don't go about waving that thing around, you might hurt someone," snapped Scotland, pushing the sword away.

"Oh sorry." England put the sword down.

"It's fine, so are you two going to do anything or can I go? I'm meant to be at a pub brawl a few miles back and they can't start without me." Scotland jammed his thumb to the road behind him.

England sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "... Why not, I think we just fight out of habit at this point anyway-"

"Can I come too?" Asked Wales.

"Sure, why not?" Said Scotland cheerfully. "Hey, why don't you come along too England? You came here for a fight anyway right?"

"Sorry Scotland, but if I don't fill out my paperwork the King will cut off my rum," England sighed. "You two have fun anyway."

"Eh, alight, maybe next time." Shrugged Scotland.

"PAY MY F^%$ING WAGES YOU CHEEPSKATE!" Screeched Wales. "Oh, and I'll punch out sailor for you since you can't come."

At which point the long-feuding siblings parted ways amicably.

*****END OF FLASHBACK*****

"Urrgh," I groaned, clutching my head. "Okay, no more weird flashback magic England, it makes me feel _dirty_."

"Oh stop your whinging," snapped England, extinguishing a little light on his finger. "It's not that bad."

"Oh yes it is, and what was with that parting, I mean, you and Scotland were trying to kill each other. You went there_ specifically_ to kill him, and you just leave to do paperwork and tell them to have fun in their next bar brawl?" I shook my head. "Does your family have a hereditary Bi-polar disorder or something?"

England shifted uncomfortably, "... never you mind, anyhow about reinforcing the channel-"

Suddenly an air raid siren rang out through the shattered door, piercing our eardrums with their warning and inducing homicidal rage towards it's inventor in all the late risers of the city.

"Sir!" A messenger suddenly arrived through the door, snapping a quick salute. "It appears that France has launched a WMR directly at our location!"

"Oh bloody hell, we're buggered now." Groaned England.

The messenger appeared to be listening to his earpiece. "Sir! It seems that we can now make visual contact with the target, the Prime Minister wants to take a look at it and see if you can do anything with your magic!"

"Eh? Why don't we just bomb the bloody thing?"

"All of our bomb money went the the EU Sir!"

"Oh fine," England stalked over to the Soldier and took a look out the window. "Oh well now that's just typical of France."

"What is?" Asked I, looking out the window to catch sight of... "... it's a giant flying penis."

**Near: 26 Fate: 51**

And indeed upon the horizon there was what appeared to be a giant phallus floating in the mid-air, slowly making its way towards us.

"Correction, Sir." Said the messenger. "Our forces have already dubbed it the Giant Flying Penis of Doom™."

"What are you- oh hey it's the fourth Angel," said Asuka, who had been hanging around for no apparent reason. "I saw pictures back at NERV."

I blinked, "wait, did you say it was an Angel?"  
"Er, yes, what are you deaf?" Asked Asuka haughtily.

"No, but I do have an army of young men who have been stuck in Afghanistan away from the wives for the past few years who would love to meet you."

Asuka gave me a blood chilling death glare. I gave her a grin. Asuka fainted.

"Well now that that's settled, I think we should get Shinji out of the closet and put him in his giant robot," said I. "After all beating Angel's is his job."

England raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't that thing need a power cable?"

"Oh it'll just go berserk when the Angel gets close enough, don't worry about it."

"Doesn't the Eva have to get beaten into a bloody pulp before that happens, and Shinji have to feel it all?"  
"Yes but I really don't care so there."

"... Just how did France get hold of an Angel at any rate" Asked England in bemusement.

"My guess is Fate gave it to him, although why he would send it at us rather than just keep for himself is beyond me."

The answer to this question, came sooner than I though, as I about to send the messenger to fetch Shinji a squadron of aircraft suddenly appeared on the horizon.

"Sir! Our forces have just detected-"

"Those are France's aren't they?" Asked England in a jaded tone. "And we only just detected them because all of our sonar money went to the EU didn't it?"

"... You are very observant, Sir!" Suddenly the messenger froze and listened attentively to his earpiece. "Sir! Please observe the Angel, it appears to be-"

"Being tied up by the French," finished England in a mystified tone. And indeed, the French planes were now whipping around the apparently confused Angel with ropes trailing from somewhere on their middle sections.

"Oh I get it now," I snorted. "Fate sent the Angel, not France, but France saw the Angel and realised it's 'ahem' appeal and sent his planes to catch it and drag it to France for... whatever the hell they're going to do to it, is that right Fate?"

My only answer was a sudden groan of frustration that came from the heavens.

**Near: 26 Fate: 50 (One point removed from Fate for the sheer stupidity of thinking France wasn't enough of a perv to take advantage of the situation.)**

And thus ended one day of insanity. Well, until Scotland found England's rum.

**The Score: Near: 26 Fate: 50**

**15th of March**

**Hiding in my office until Scotland stops trying to re-enact Braveheart**

**The City of London (England's house)**

**Nate Rver**


	45. Rebellion Entry 13: Near vs Sachiel

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well today's dose of insanity began when a certain irritating redhead opened her mouth at the breakfast table.

"Well, it's not like I'm complaining or anything," said Asuka as she chewed through her scrambled eggs. "But if this 'Fate' person is sending the Angels after us then why did she send us the fourth before the third?"

I suddenly gagged of my food and was unable to comment as I started to choke to death.

"Asuka, you shouldn't talk while you're eating," admonished Shinji.

"Silence manslave!" Barked Asuka, showering Shinji with bits of egg.

"Yes Asuka," cowered Shinji.

"Anyhow, like I was saying, it makes no sense that she would send the fourth before the third, the third was more powerful after all... then again she failed to realise that the French would want the fourth so maybe she's just stu-"

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID B^%$*!" Screeched I as I finally dislodged the bit of toast in my throat. "YOU'LL GIVE HER IDEAS-"

I was cut off as an air raid siren rang across the city.

"Oh now, see what you've done," I groaned as I sank into my seat. "We've been more or less left alone for the past week, then you had to go and give her an idea didn't you?"

"Yeah Shinji, why did you have to go and spoil things," snapped Asuka.

"Wait, what!" Asked Shinji incredulously.

"Well it's obvious that is all your fault after all, I mean, you _are_ the third child after all." Sneered Asuka. "Fate must have seen you and realised that she hadn't sent down the Third Angel yet!"  
"B-but that makes no sense, I've been here for a week already, why would she-"

"It's because you always skulk around so meek and low, you should be more assertive!" Asuka stood up and glared down at Shinji. "You're always just cowering before everyone, no wonder no one ever notices you!"

"But wouldn't that mean that she would have sent the Angel faster-"

"What, you dare to question the Great Asuka Langley Soryu!" Asuka growled. "For that you are hereby demoted from Manslave to Boyslave!"

"Y-yes Asuka..." whimpered Shinji.

"Good boy," and with that Asuka turned on her heel and walked out the room.

"... And I thought Russia was Bi-polar," muttered Wales.

Anyhow, once Asuka had gone we decided it would be good idea to put Shinji in Unit 01, seeing as we didn't have really anything else to do throw at it. Shinji, being Shinji, promptly put up some resistance, then caved when we glared at him for a bit.

"Um..., where's the Angel?" Asked Shinji over the intercom.

"Just a few miles away, you should be able to see it if you move a few meters to your left."

"Oh yes now I- OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"

Shinji isn't the bravest person in the world, but I suppose seeing the Third Angel in a dominatrix outfit would merit that response from anyone.

**Near: 26 Fate: 51**

"Textbook mental scarring, now kill it before Anno sees it and has another breakdown," stated I in a deadpan tone.

"Y-yes Sir," and with that Shinji took off running towards the Angel.

Who promptly bitchslapped Unit 01 into the millennium wheel.

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't there yesterday," remarked Wales.

"Great, another symbol of national pride down the drain, we're doing the EU's job for them!" Moaned England.

"Oh look, Shinji's still alive," remarked one of the Soldiers, seeing Unit 01 get up again.

Shinji charged the Angel once more, screaming at the top of his lungs. This time the Angel apparently decided it wanted to make an impression, and did so by turning around and clutching at one the skyscrapers nearby.

Well I suppose the impression part really came into play when it started dancing.

A number of the soldiers in the control room of England's house retched.

"W-what is it-"

"It can't be-"

"YE GODS THAT'S JUST SICK!"

"Sachiel the Pole-dancing Dominatrix, didn't see that one coming," remarked I in a deadpan tone, having long since gone past the mental threshold by which this sort of thing really got to me any more.

Shinji slowed down, stopped and started inching back, "wha, wha, argghhhhHHH!"

"No, wait, Shinji you mustn't run away, it's the core of your character!" Shouted I into the microphone before me.

"I.. I mustn't run away," Shinji seemed to calm down, his backward job slowing before ceasing altogether. "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away I-"

Sachiel started stripping.

"-must run away, I must run away! I MUST RUN AWAYYY!" Sobbed Shinji at the top of his voice.

"Great Shinji's broken," snapped I irritably. I turned to Scotland. "Scotland, did you do what I said before?"

"Urrghh?" Came Scotland's gormless reply. Apparently even the highly alcoholic drinks the nation always drank weren't enough to block the horror of a stripping angel. "Wha?"

"That 'thing' I told you to do a few days ago when it was England's turn to make breakfast, did you do it?"

"Er, yea-"

"Great, that's all I needed to know," snapped I, turning to the soldier beside me I spoke in a brisk tone. "Quickly, initiate emergency plan 224 P."

The soldier gazed at me in horror. "Sir, surely you must be joking, not even that 'thing' deserves that-"

"This is war, we don't have a choice." Stated I grimly.

The soldier nodded,, lips pressed into a line he turned a key in the control panel beside him as I did the same.

Suddenly a highway split in the middle to reveal a large cannon somewhere between the size of the Third Angel and Seto Kaiba's ego.

"Ready," the soldier beside me order across the radio. "Aim. FIRE!" And with that the cannon fired a bright purple object towards the Angel.

"Ah, I see you've managed to build something to take care of that monstrosity," remarked England approvingly. "Thought I have to wonder where you got the money for- IS THAT TUESDAYS BREKFAST!"

**Near: 27 Fate: 51**

"It was destined for greater things than mere consumption," remarked I in a soothing tone.

"Aye, killin' Angel's is just the sorta thing it's good for," agreed Scotland.

England turned bright red and looked to say something that would turn the air blue when he was cut off by the soldier beside me. "Two seconds to impact!"

We all turned to see the purple glowing porridge slam into the AT field, resting there for a moment, before eating through it like acid to land on the Angel's face.

For a moment there was silence, all waiting for what would happen next. Then there was a keening wail, like a beached whale and the Angel exploded in a mass of blood.

"Heh, the Angel committed suicide to get away from your food," snorted Wales.

**Near: 28 Fate: 51**

"Get bent Sheep-shagger," snapped England.

"Artie, an Angel offed itself rather than eat that... stuff ye see fit to call food. It's time to face it, you're a sh*& cook." Scotland patted England's shoulder.

England glowered at Scotland, "just wait until next Tuesday,_ then_ I'll show you **bad cooking**."

Scotland turned pale, along with Wales and everyone else who had to eat England's food, except for I and Asuka, the latter because she was still out of the room and myself because I am already paper white and I knew I could intimidate Shiniji into eating it for me.

If we ever managed to stop him running for the highlands.

**The Score: ****Near: 28 Fate: 51**

**22nd of March**

**Trying to calm down Shinji across the radio**

**The City of London, England's house**

**Nate River**


	46. Rebellion Entry 14: The Rapp assault

Disclaimer: I do not own death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia, Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well here I am yet again, eternally inscribing the endless horror of my pitiful existence upon the pages of this notebook for the amusement of the masses. Well as there is no avoiding it, for the longer I escape my duties the more likely it is Fate will decide to attack twice on the same day, I shall begin my recount most horrific.

This day began as any other does in the Kirkland household, The UK siblings attacked each other with words and 'food' now that the Prime Minister forbade them from actively declaring war on one another. Asuka strutted like a peacock and verbally abused Shinji (rescued from Unit-01 once the power ran out) until he gave in and did all her chores for her.

As for Unit-01, she was currently hooked up to the main power grid, being paid for by England. Who will know about it as soon as he sees the bill.

Alas, our relative peace came to an end today, two weeks past the incident involving Sachiel and a dominatrix outfit. I was about to begin my daily chore of pressuring Shinji into consuming the 'breakfast' England had beaten into submission when the doorbell rang.

"I wonder who that could be?" Said England, getting up to see who it was. "Eh, there's no one there!"

"I'm Canada!" Protested a voice from the now open front door.

"Oh right," England facepalmed as he caught sight of Amer- Canada. "Hang on, you're my enemy now, what are you doing here!"

"I've come to make peace of course, the only reason we're at war is because you couldn't take America's teasing after all so there's no reason for us to fight."

"Oh," England relaxed, before standing aside and gesturing inside. "Well come in then, let me put some tea on and I'll be with you shortly."

Canada nodded and obediently went to sit next to me at the table. "So how are you Near?"  
"Alive," responded I. "Surprising that I live with England I know, but there's always someone I can foist my food onto."

"Oh bugger you!" Snapped England as he paced through the kitchen doorway with a bunch of papers stuffed under his arm "Now my boy where were we?"

"Er, arranging a peace treaty," replied Canada.

"Oh, well that's rather good, now I have someone to sell things to!" Cheered England, "thanks to this we can afford to eat next week!"

"Good to know, so long as you're not the one cooking," replied I.

England opened his mouth to retort, however he would never finish the attack as he was cut off by the sound of Alarms wailing.

"Oh drat it's an Angel," remarked I.

Minutes later we were all in the control room that was really England's basement with a few ninetees-era computers the army had been giving away.

The budget cuts were to the bone.

On the flickering screen of on the block-like monitors was what appeared to the be large blue diamond flying through the sky above London, but then again everything was blue on the screen because it was from back before they had proper colour monitors and everything had to be shades of either blue, green or orange.

"YO B&^%S! I'M A RAM-I-EL AND I'VE COME TO TOAST YO SKINNY WHITE ASSES, YO!" Came the angel's voice across the speaker system.

"Oh dear _god_," moaned England. "It's a rap artist!"

"No matter," remarked I, turning to one of the soldiers. "Is Unit-01 charged yet?"  
"Yes sir," nodded the soldier. "It is being transported to the surface now."

And lo and behold the giant purple and green eyesore rose from the streets. The concrete and tar parting to allow the behemoth to ascend, not because they were made to but because the maintenance budget was even worse than England's cooking.

"Not to worry, Asuka Langely Soryu is here to save the day!" Came Asuka's voice along the communication system.

I turned to see Unit-01 standing next to Westminster Palace, "Asuka, why are you in Unit-01?"

"Because there's a giant monster coming to kill us all!" Replied Asuka I her usual polite manner.

"I can see that," snapped I. "But shouldn't Shinji be in Unit-01?"  
"Maybe, but he managed to run off while the guards were playing poker, besides I'm the better Pilot anyway so you have nothing to worry abou-"  
Asuka was cut off as Ramiel fired a beam at Unit-01's head

"-OH GOD IT BURNS!"

"Perhaps allowing Shinji to run off was a bad idea, after all having had experience with Ramiel before he wouldn't have been caught off guard like that." Remarked Prussia from behind me.

"OH WHY GOD WHY!" Screamed Asuka.

"Eh, Prussia?" I turned around to face the now mild-mannered nation. 'Where did you come from? I mean, you've been missing for how many chapters now?"  
"OH THE PAAIIIINNN!"

"I've been here the whole time," remarked Prussia, folding his arms. "Apparently you just didn't notice me."

"WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING MEEE!"

"I must be because you're so nice and well mannered," remarked Canada. "Nobody notices you if you're a nice guy, I should know..."

"IS ANYBODY THERE!"

"Now now, I sure it's not that bad." Comforted Prussia, patting Canada's arm as the clouds of depression floated abouve him.

"I'M DYYYYIIIIINNNNNG!"

"Oh will someone just eject her plug already, she's giving me a headache," snapped I.

"Ejecting plug now," remarked one of the soldiers as she pressed a large green button.

Unit-01 suddenly fell backwards, slamming into the streets as Asuka's plug went sailing through the skies, later to be retrieved from the bottom of the Thames.

"Well at least she's stopped whining now," remarked I. "But how to deal with the Giant floating angel of mind numbingly bad music?"

"I HEARD THAT SUCKER AND I'M A GONNA CAP YO SKINNY WHITE A$#!" Replied the incredibly annoying Angel as it turned in our direction.

"Well whatever you come up with do it before it blows us into smithereens!" Shouted England.

I stared at the diamond for a moment before grinning. "Excuse England, don't you have a place called the east end..."

"Well yes," England blinked. "But what does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh its just an idea," I turned to one of the soldiers. "Excuse me, have the packages I ordered arrived yet?"  
"Yes sir, just this morning in fact." Replied the soldier.

"Good, and tell me, do you have an extra large television screen around here?"

"Well now that you mention it we do have a hundred meter by hundred meter flat screen from when America visited last time."

"Excellent," I grinned, causing the rooms occupants to flinch back. "Now listen closely..."

"Is everything in place?"Asked I.

"Yes sir," replied a soldier in a queasy tone. "The television has been positioned on a skyscraper in clear view of the Angel, and the... 'things' you requested have been placed in the DVD player."

"Right," I adjusted the microphone in front of me and began to speak to the rapping angel. "Angel, also known as Ramiel, this is your last warning. You have one hour to depart the United Kingdom, if you refuse we will be forced to use our ultimate weapon in mental warfare. You have been warned."

There was a moment of silence, then.

"F%^$ YOU B&^%$#&!" Replied Ramiel. "NOW IT'SA TIME FO YOU TO TASTE MY **LAZERFACE**!"

And with that I was left with no other options.

"I didn't want to have to do this," remarked I, pressing a large red button on the panel before me.

And thus the screen was illuminated with high quality Japanese pornography

Zero-point-five seconds later the sound of a million screaming teenagers with overly inflated egos and horrible manners filtered through the sound system. Zero-point-two seconds later Ramiel was flying in the opposite direction to us. Coincidentally, in the direction of a part of London known as the 'east end'.

Suddenly dozen of ropes flew up around Ramiel, thrown by dozens by young men and women with delighted expressions on the streets. All of whom apparently were both incredibly strong and incredibly good at throwing things.

Of course it was at this point that Ramiel became aware of it's rather idiotic mistake. Ramiel was a large jewel-like object, Ramiel had just floated straight above the east end of London. The east end of London is well known for many things, but most of all for the fact that unless you happen to have your wallet on an industrial strength chain it will be gone within the first five minutes of entering the east end.

As Ramiel was a giant diamond, this was effectively donning a pair of glasses and a kick me sign in a high school. Doubtlessly leading to pain, humiliation and a vast reduction of any monetary funds you may or may not have.

**Near: 29 Fate: 51**

"AWW S&********%!" Groaned Ramiel as it was pulled to the ground, moments later thousands of hoodie-wearing teenagers with bad hygiene habits swarmed over the fallen angel and started hacking away at it with pickaxes.

"What on earth?" Muttered Canada in disbelief.

"Ramiel's a giant flying diamond, any part of it's body is worth thousands," explained I." Which they can use to buy all sort of illegal and damaging things, like drug and Barney videos."

"Why the Barney videos?"  
"It's a sort of rite of manhood," explained England. "Anyone who can make it through one episode is sufficiently brain damaged enough to be considered a proper Chav, that's a sort of a wannabe American with an attitude problem. The drugs are so they can actually watch it."

"Oh," replied Canada in understanding.

Suddenly the crowd parted, scurrying away to wherever Chavs go when they're not being offensive, revealing a small, battered red orb.

"OHHH, WHAT THE HEEELLLL WAS THAAAAT!"  
"Blatant stereotyping." Replied I.

"DAMN YOU SOCIETY!" Moaned what was left of the angel. "I'M GONNA BE BACK! AND WHEN I AM I'MA GONNA POP YOUR- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING KID?"  
The 'kid' the angel was referring to was a toddler who had apparently been forgotten by his parents, the toddler, being quite curious waddled toward the shiny, shouty red thing and grabbed it.

"HEY- PUT ME DOWN YOU LITTLE BRAT OR I'MA GONNA SQUASH YOU LIKE A- ARGHHHHH!" It was at this point the toddler swallowed the core, apparently thinking it was candy.

And thus the angel of storms and bad music was defeated, by a combination of Japanese porn and a hungry three-year old.

There was a moment of shocked silence.

"Er.. well that's one more crisis averted in the nick of time," said Prussia. "Anyone up for a game of chess?"

I stared at him for a moment.

"What, chess is a perfectly gentlemanly game!"

I shook my head. "You know, once you lose your obnoxious nature and act sophisticated you suddenly become much creepier."

"He's right you know," said Wales.

"Bleet!" Said Wales's sheep.

"Exactly," replied Wales.

"Oh well, excuse me for being cultured!" Huffed Prussia, who promptly stalked off. I, having nothing better to do sat down and took out my journal while Wales played with his sheep and England hummed 'Rule Brittania' in celebration of killing another angel.

Ironic when you consider the whole 'angels sang' line.

Thus ends today's horrific entry into this journal, which was once upon a time supposed to be a guide to highschool, but like its predecessor quickly devolved into rampant insanity and rivers of crack fiction. Speaking of the predecessor, since you lot so love to read my suffering why don't you off and enjoy Hitsugia's, it can by found at Skyskater's page, and while you are doing so thus spare me form any suggestions you might make to spur on Fate in her torment of myself. In addition you will most likely cause Histugia a great deal of anguish retroactively through you readership and sadistic humour, just make through the first two dozen or so chapters and the crack begins, so go read it, now.

And spare me your reviews, the author gets ideas from them.

**The Score: ****Near: 29 Fate: 51**

**5th of April**

**Celebrating Ramiel's demise**

**The City of London, England's house**

**Nate River**

**Author's Note:  
**

**Blatant advertising? But of course, Skyskater advertised NGTHS in HGTHS so I thought it was time to finally pay her back. Compensation aside, it's been nearly three months since I last updated.**

**Sorry about that. But I should hopefully have the next chapter up within a week or so...**

**Or possibly half a year.**

**-Mregent.2**


	47. Near's Notice

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional location.

In the middle of England's living room a teenage boy who looked like he should still be in primary school sat with one knee drawn up to his chest, staring into space for no apparent reason.

"Is this really necessary? Couldn't he just put up an author's note-"

A sound of a shotgun being loaded came from behind an open door.

"Never mind," Near deadpanned. "Right, for those of you who are unaware it is against the rules of for an author to post up a chapter consisting purely of an author's note. However as the Author does not have a chapter ready but needs to get this message out I have been conscripted to give it to you."  
Near took out a piece of paper from inside his pyjamas and unfolded it, clearing his throat before beginning. "Due to an inability to maintain a proper update schedule, leading to the distinct possibility that this fanfic may eventually be abandoned altogether, MRegent.2 has officially decided to end Near's Guide to High School at chapter fifty."

Near unconsciously punched the air in celebration with the hand not holding the note.

"He also wishes to make clear that due to this any ideas or dares that the readership wishes to be done should be sent in within the next two weeks. After the fifteenth of May, two thousand and eleven, no further dares or ideas will be accepted."

"As this is a special occasion the final three chapters will each be at least three times longer than the average chapter, meaning each will be over six thousand words. Every dare and idea that is sent in that the author can do, exceptions being those that involve series that the author is not familiar with or otherwise deems inappropriate, will be done during one of the final three chapters. In the event that your idea or dare is not done the Author will send a message to the poster (when possible) explaining why."

"Finally he would like to thank all those who have read Near's guide to high School, he already has an idea what to do for the finale and hope you will be satisfied with it. Do have a nice day."

Near crumpled the note between his fingers and threw it at the wall, "was that good enough?"

"Oh yes," grinned Fate as she walked through the doorway, shotgun in hand. "That was very well done, the final days or your torment should be quite _interesting_ what with all the readers letting for one last bash!"

Near sighed in despair. "At least it will soon be over."


End file.
